lost in a sea of doubt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 5
lost in a sea of doubt
Hello, I just came accross this forum friday while looking around for information, or just anything to ground me. Since feb I have been dating an addict, I walked into the relationship thinking he'd been clean for 2 years. Yet as time passed, and the lies have been piling up it's become obvious that he's still an active user. He keeps telling me the things I want to hear, that he want to get clean, that he'll do what it takes, go to meetings everyday...ect. But I honestly can not tell if he means it or if he's just saying it. He and I had been talking about getting married, and moving to canada (he's canadian). But I'm sitting here watching his behavior wondering how do I tell if he follows through.
I know I've chosen to remain in this relationship, instead of walking away because I love him. I know I have no control, and fight my natural co-dependecy tendencies every time I talk to him. There's so much confiliction ideas and hopes and expectations going through my head...Today he's just started a new job, which is a step in the right direction. However he's discovered that he'll be out of some basic food items and cigs untill his mom comes back from vacation next week. I can't give him any more money, and made this quite clear to him. Yet I can hear in his voice that hope that his girlfriend will rescue him from this....There's a loud voice in the back of my head saying walk away...and when I pray I can't tell if the response I'm getting is "wait" or "leave"....I hate having all this doubt.
I know I've chosen to remain in this relationship, instead of walking away because I love him. I know I have no control, and fight my natural co-dependecy tendencies every time I talk to him. There's so much confiliction ideas and hopes and expectations going through my head...Today he's just started a new job, which is a step in the right direction. However he's discovered that he'll be out of some basic food items and cigs untill his mom comes back from vacation next week. I can't give him any more money, and made this quite clear to him. Yet I can hear in his voice that hope that his girlfriend will rescue him from this....There's a loud voice in the back of my head saying walk away...and when I pray I can't tell if the response I'm getting is "wait" or "leave"....I hate having all this doubt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You are young, with your whole life in front of you. Please listen to the little voice that is saying "walk away." He needs to figure this out on his own, honey. There is NOTHING you can do to help an addict want to quit or actually quit. And he isn't really trying either. And addiction is a LIFETIME problem that he will deal with forever.
Take care of YOU right now. Heed that voice
Take care of YOU right now. Heed that voice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You sound like one smart woman, to me. Ignore the his words and pay attention to your inner voice and his behaviors.
He did not suddenly realize he is out of food and cigs. And when you tell him " that's a shame" and do not provide for him, he's likely to try and make you feel guilty about it.
Remember, NO is a complete sentence. No reason for you to justify or defend your position.
He did not suddenly realize he is out of food and cigs. And when you tell him " that's a shame" and do not provide for him, he's likely to try and make you feel guilty about it.
Remember, NO is a complete sentence. No reason for you to justify or defend your position.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome to this site. I'm glad that you are here. When it comes to addiction, it's not what an addict says he is going to do. It's what he's doing right now. My ex (the crack addict) had a saying, "Don't talk about it be about it" and it's so true.
if he wanted to quit using drugs he would be doing it already. Not just talking about it. as long as you continue to provide him with food and cigarettes, all his basic needs are covered and he will have no reason to quit using drugs.
there is a stickie somewhere on here that is called "If you love me let me fall." It was written by an addict in recovery, not one trying to pull a fast one on his girlfriend.
if he wanted to quit using drugs he would be doing it already. Not just talking about it. as long as you continue to provide him with food and cigarettes, all his basic needs are covered and he will have no reason to quit using drugs.
there is a stickie somewhere on here that is called "If you love me let me fall." It was written by an addict in recovery, not one trying to pull a fast one on his girlfriend.
IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar
to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so
I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so
that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of
me)
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me
walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the
pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see
it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me,
trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault,
enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and
consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not
yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need
to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist
the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square
one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am
free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look
for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In
the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but
don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I
make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to
do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever
supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to
get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do
is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and
from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let
me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.
Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your
safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not
only fly, but maybe even soar
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
and you may not like this one, but think about it because it's all true.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 5
It's so hard to hear some the advice that I should leave him...despite the fact that part of me all ready knows it. My initial reaction is defensive, "no I love him, I shouldn't abandon some one I love" but the more reasoning side of my brain understands that loving him doesn't make a bit of difference, and that I have to take care of myself first. Several people have told me to leave him, I've tried three times but couldn't stick to my decision. It's that hope, that what if, that keeps me wondering. I have to believe that he can change because that's a part of who I am, but I know I don't have to let him take advantage of me....
I'm sorry I know I probably sound obsessive but I've had this stuff rolling around in my brain for weeks. Indecision and guilt for not sticking to my decisions, and going to Al-anon has only helped a bit because I have an insane fear of speaking in a public setting.
And thanks Hello-Kitty, I'd read the second post...and have been trying to read the first one all the way through. I've been contemplating that second post all weekend.
I'm sorry I know I probably sound obsessive but I've had this stuff rolling around in my brain for weeks. Indecision and guilt for not sticking to my decisions, and going to Al-anon has only helped a bit because I have an insane fear of speaking in a public setting.
And thanks Hello-Kitty, I'd read the second post...and have been trying to read the first one all the way through. I've been contemplating that second post all weekend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
I just want to add this to the mix: Do you really want to be involved with a man who is not providing the basics for himself - his OWN food and cigarettes? If you just step back and look and think about that. He's relying on his Mom or his girlfriend for those things. He is not a little child or an invalid. Do you really think someone who is in that kind of shape is going to make for a good life partner? Just sayin'.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 5
Well I just called him and ended this relationship. He spent nearly 45 minutes trying to make me feel guilty for not checking in with him when I got home. I had things to and he said I was being snarky and uppity when I didn't cave to his guilt trip. So I told him I'd had enough, and that I was done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by FallingSpider 
It's that hope, that what if, that keeps me wondering. I have to believe that he can change because that's a part of who I am,
Hope you are doing okay. Sorry you are having to experience this world of addiction.
What you wrote above, really struck me. The hope, the what if's, is what has kept me sticking it out with my RAH for over 15+ years, believing he can change, because that's what I wanted. All my hoping and believing hasn't made my marriage be what I'd hoped it would be, what I wish it would be. All the what if's I've thought about, well, they haven't exactly panned out either.
I wish I'd have found the courage and strength long ago, to walk-away. It is much harder the longer and more intertwined your lives becomes.
Trust your decision, trust yourself, take care of you!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
As the mother of a 29 yr old man who has an addiction problem, I can wholeheartedly agree with your decision to end the relationship. YOU DESERVE the best life has to offer and a man who cannot provide his own basic needs is not "the best life has to offer."
Take a little time, learn more about yourself, boost your self esteem so that when the next relationship is offered to you, you'll know what you want AND what you deserve and will be able to determine early on if that person meets your expectations.
I know if I were in love, I would want to give my partner 60% of myself, my love, my caring, my joy . . . I would want my partner to give me 60% of themselves as well. Can you imagine a strong, committed relationship working on 120% (or more!!!) of love, caring and joy??? That'd be GREAT.
Take a little time, learn more about yourself, boost your self esteem so that when the next relationship is offered to you, you'll know what you want AND what you deserve and will be able to determine early on if that person meets your expectations.
I know if I were in love, I would want to give my partner 60% of myself, my love, my caring, my joy . . . I would want my partner to give me 60% of themselves as well. Can you imagine a strong, committed relationship working on 120% (or more!!!) of love, caring and joy??? That'd be GREAT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 5
Thanks guys, I really appricate the support. I'm trying to get him out of my head now, stop thinking about him. He keeps iming me on ***** and I'm having difficulty figuring out how to block him through the web based client...
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