Breaking Free? Maybe not....

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10-20-2009, 02:25 PM

# 21 (permalink)

mpilgrim

Member

Join Date: Oct 2009

Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan

Posts: 1

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsMagoo

Hi. My name is Janet and I'm an addict. Not to a subtance but to a person, a feeling, a lifestyle.

As a result of my addiction, I have lost all faith in who I am and what I stand for. I have reached bottom several times and tried to claw my way back up to the top. I am weak. I am compulsive. I am lost without my DOC. I don't like who I am or what I've become.

I still go by the places where my DOC hangs out. I don't want the drug. I just want to look at it. I want to torture myself by looking at it. If the law allowed, I would want to feel it, taste it and touch it. The law is the only thing keeping me from "trying just a little" so see if it still made me feel the same way as it used to. Not having it, being told no, only makes me want it more because I too have a self-destruct button.

My DOC has turned it's back on me and left me for dead yet I still crave it and want it. It's the only thing that makes me feel normal but normal is accetable. My normal and your normal are different. My normal is dangerous and scary and unhappy even if it is mine. I don't own it, it owns me and I'm scared I'll never get over it. I'm terrified that it's going to ruin me and all that I hold dear yet I flirt with disaster any time I don't have something healthy and productive to do.

I am an addict in love with an addict and they call me co-dependent. I call myself a pathetic junky just like they call my husband a pathetic junky. I can think of nothing more than my next fix and consequences be damned. Just a taste. It will be worth it right? Then I can quit.

Thank you for letting me share.

You are not a pathetic junky because you love an addict. My 32 year old daughter was a Heroin addict. I loved her through 15 years of her addiction, and she died this summer. I don't regret loving her, or helping her. I have written a memoir, "My Daughters Addiction - A Thief in the Family" available through Amazon Kindle, or booklocker.com I have a problem with the concept of "enabling" and the shame and guilt heaped on people who love addicts because they try to help them out. That's insane! You just love your husband. And that is neither wrong nor evil nor something to be ashamed of. Just because you long to be with him is not shameful. Please do not be so hard on yourself.

10-21-2009, 06:27 AM

# 22 (permalink)

Freedom1990

Member

Join Date: Feb 2008

Location: Kansas

Posts: 10,182

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsMagoo

I just forgot all about John and fell in love with PEDRO!!! He is awesome. I actually love farm smells! One day I will live on one I swear! Anyone that has livestock....I'm j.e.a.l.o.u.s!!! You made me smile Devon - mission accomplished.

I'm glad, and Pedro is glad too that you smiled!

10-22-2009, 04:49 AM

# 23 (permalink)

Callie

Member

Join Date: May 2008

Posts: 1,906

Aww Janet, it sounds like you're having trouble cutting the final strings. Releasing those reigns. Remember you've held them for a long time. It's hard to let go. Really let go. For the last few months you've been scrambling around trying to get things done legally, trying to get things in order. Restraining orders, cps, lawyers, police. Every day it was something. Now that you're in the calm after the storm you're left to pick up the pieces. AH has always played a part in how you would put those pieces back together. A major piece is no longer part of the puzzle and it's time to build a NEW puzzle without him. Youre doing the right thing. You know you are. Your AH is very lost in addiction right now. He's got a LONG way to crawl back into the real world. Release yourself from that journey. It's not your journey. You've been a part of it as I have for a long time. Go your own path for you and your kids.