Intervention?
newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 18
Intervention?
Last time I was here, my 26 yr old AD was going into detox and then into a rehab facility. She stayed about 3 weeks in rehab and seemed good when she got out. I know that she needs LONG TERM therapy and drug counseling, but without private funds, the state doesn't provide that much long-term inpatient care. We are in TX.
That was 2 yrs ago. Since then, she has married and is now going through a divorce. She is back to topless dancing and "swindling" old men out of money to survive! Her current bf is a nice enough guy and he has been confiding in me some of the things she is currently doing. He is not using. She is back to Xanax again and he told me today that he caught her smoking ice. At one point, she took a whole handful of xanax and told him she was going to take all of them and kill herself. Thankfully, he got them away from her.
My question to all of you is, does intervention work?? I can find places to take her and I am sure she would go, but if it isn't her idea in the first place, what are the odds that it will work? Long term? She is a master at telling people what they want to hear.
I am a control freak kind of mom and this is KILLING ME!! I guess that is why I want to take her to get treated.
Thoughts?
That was 2 yrs ago. Since then, she has married and is now going through a divorce. She is back to topless dancing and "swindling" old men out of money to survive! Her current bf is a nice enough guy and he has been confiding in me some of the things she is currently doing. He is not using. She is back to Xanax again and he told me today that he caught her smoking ice. At one point, she took a whole handful of xanax and told him she was going to take all of them and kill herself. Thankfully, he got them away from her.
My question to all of you is, does intervention work?? I can find places to take her and I am sure she would go, but if it isn't her idea in the first place, what are the odds that it will work? Long term? She is a master at telling people what they want to hear.
I am a control freak kind of mom and this is KILLING ME!! I guess that is why I want to take her to get treated.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
What are you doing for your own recovery from the effects of your daughter's addiction?
I spent years and years enmeshed in my 31 year old daughter's addictions. I begged, pleaded, tried to manipulate, lost sleep, screamed, cried, and prayed for all the wrong things.
What did that accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing except draining me physicially, emotionally, and spiritually.
I spent years and years enmeshed in my 31 year old daughter's addictions. I begged, pleaded, tried to manipulate, lost sleep, screamed, cried, and prayed for all the wrong things.
What did that accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing except draining me physicially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Interventions can and in some cases do work. Just like rehabs sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt.
The big X factor here is the addict themselves. If they are NOT ready to quit they wont. Just because an addict is OFF of the drugs doesnt mean they are in recovery. Recovery is about finding out the why's. Take away the drugs and you still have a damaged person.
So I hear you looking for answers and trying to figure it out. We all do at some point. But really in all cases with an addict they are NOT gonna change if they dont WANT to change.
Interventions can work but all of the people involved have to be strong and healthy enough to say to the addict enough is enough. Most codies are just not capable of this without time in their own recoveries.
I am sorry that you and your daughter are going through all of this. The best thing you can do is let her hit her bottom on her own. Give her the respect of living her own life whether you agree with it or not. I am not trying to sound harsh here but your job is to save your self and get yourself better.
The big X factor here is the addict themselves. If they are NOT ready to quit they wont. Just because an addict is OFF of the drugs doesnt mean they are in recovery. Recovery is about finding out the why's. Take away the drugs and you still have a damaged person.
So I hear you looking for answers and trying to figure it out. We all do at some point. But really in all cases with an addict they are NOT gonna change if they dont WANT to change.
Interventions can work but all of the people involved have to be strong and healthy enough to say to the addict enough is enough. Most codies are just not capable of this without time in their own recoveries.
I am sorry that you and your daughter are going through all of this. The best thing you can do is let her hit her bottom on her own. Give her the respect of living her own life whether you agree with it or not. I am not trying to sound harsh here but your job is to save your self and get yourself better.
newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 18
I took steps today to contact my employee assistance program through my employer and get a list of therapists. I KNOW that I need to help myself and I am sure this is the BIGGER lesson here for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
As it relates to this situation......I am not hearing that the daughter thinks she has a problem or wants recovery. I sense a mother who loves her daughter more than anything and will do whatever it takes to get her help.
I read of a mother and boyfriend who have made this young woman's poor choices their priority and are battling the beast.
Back when, I was consumed with curing my daughter of her addiction. I thought if I threw enough of my time, money, energy and oh yeah, willpower into it, I could beat it. It was a full out assault on the demon who had never messed with a mama, like me. This was far more about me and my belief, at the time, that I called the shots and controlled the outcomes.
What I learned was I have absolutely no control over my daughter, or anyone else for that matter. It's a full time job for me to control what I can, my choices and reactions. I was and remain humbled by this lesson.
I read of a mother and boyfriend who have made this young woman's poor choices their priority and are battling the beast.
Back when, I was consumed with curing my daughter of her addiction. I thought if I threw enough of my time, money, energy and oh yeah, willpower into it, I could beat it. It was a full out assault on the demon who had never messed with a mama, like me. This was far more about me and my belief, at the time, that I called the shots and controlled the outcomes.
What I learned was I have absolutely no control over my daughter, or anyone else for that matter. It's a full time job for me to control what I can, my choices and reactions. I was and remain humbled by this lesson.
newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 18
The boyfriend is trying to get moved out. He can't take the abuse any longer. She could be facing some severe legal troubles soon and could go to prison. She has told her boyfriend that she can go to Vegas and make a porn movie and make at least $10,000 and that would take care of her legal woes. People always say that she just needs to hit bottom, but, my God, if making a porno for money isn't bottom, I wonder what is?
And you are right Outtolunch....she hasn't come to me asking for help. I am just a mom that wants to get her daughter help. I have decided to wait until her boyfriend moves out and then myself, her father, and my mother are going to go to her place and let her know that we are fully aware of the things she is doing. She lies to us and never acknowledges ANY drug or alcohol use. We just want to let her know that we are here if and when she needs us.
And you are right Outtolunch....she hasn't come to me asking for help. I am just a mom that wants to get her daughter help. I have decided to wait until her boyfriend moves out and then myself, her father, and my mother are going to go to her place and let her know that we are fully aware of the things she is doing. She lies to us and never acknowledges ANY drug or alcohol use. We just want to let her know that we are here if and when she needs us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I wanted recovery for my sons more than they did. They were quite "happy" with their drug life - I wasn't.
Alanon/Naranon saved my life. It gave me tools to use to change me. And it helped me see that what I was doing wasn't helping them, but harming them.
Keep reading here - there is lots of experience, strength and hope. We've all been where you are.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Alanon/Naranon saved my life. It gave me tools to use to change me. And it helped me see that what I was doing wasn't helping them, but harming them.
Keep reading here - there is lots of experience, strength and hope. We've all been where you are.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Hi Spoiledogz and a big Hug to you for what you are going through.
There is a great deal of great advice on these Boards, so pick and choose what you feel is best for you and your family. Be kind to yourself and seek counselling, read the Boards and attend Meetings if that works.
Regarding an Intervention - We had one for my daughter. What was told to me is that the addict may not have hit their bottom, but the family certainly has and will not go on enabling their behavior. An intervention was put in place to try to prevent/stall a bottom of ________ (things we all have nightmares about).
Did it work -- does anything work -- yet somethings give the person tools to use when they are ready, willing to stop. With regard to my daughter, she went away to rehab for three months, came out, went back to the same lifestyle. Most people in the family did not bother with her, except one. After 7 months of a terrible lifestyle she called the same rehab to get their free one month relapse in-house stay.
Since then, she has been fine and in school - doing quite well. Will it last -- who knows!
Did the Intervention work -- who knows -- but the path led to where we are today.
Best Wishes in whatever you decide..
There is a great deal of great advice on these Boards, so pick and choose what you feel is best for you and your family. Be kind to yourself and seek counselling, read the Boards and attend Meetings if that works.
Regarding an Intervention - We had one for my daughter. What was told to me is that the addict may not have hit their bottom, but the family certainly has and will not go on enabling their behavior. An intervention was put in place to try to prevent/stall a bottom of ________ (things we all have nightmares about).
Did it work -- does anything work -- yet somethings give the person tools to use when they are ready, willing to stop. With regard to my daughter, she went away to rehab for three months, came out, went back to the same lifestyle. Most people in the family did not bother with her, except one. After 7 months of a terrible lifestyle she called the same rehab to get their free one month relapse in-house stay.
Since then, she has been fine and in school - doing quite well. Will it last -- who knows!
Did the Intervention work -- who knows -- but the path led to where we are today.
Best Wishes in whatever you decide..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
What are you doing for your own recovery from the effects of your daughter's addiction?
I spent years and years enmeshed in my 31 year old daughter's addictions. I begged, pleaded, tried to manipulate, lost sleep, screamed, cried, and prayed for all the wrong things.
What did that accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing except draining me physicially, emotionally, and spiritually.
I spent years and years enmeshed in my 31 year old daughter's addictions. I begged, pleaded, tried to manipulate, lost sleep, screamed, cried, and prayed for all the wrong things.
What did that accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing except draining me physicially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I am the mom of an addict son.
I guess I always fantazied about doing an intervention, but the real issue for me was "I had to be strong enough to set my boundaries (no contact, no money, no food from me, no bus fare from me, etc.) and stick to them." The truth - I wasn't that strong. So although an intervention sounded great it wouldn't have worked.
So, I attend NarAnon and AlAnon, read alot here and post when it strikes me and am trying to get strong and recover myself from my codependency. I love my son more than I can express but I don't do him any favors by being his enabler.
Good luck and my prayers go out to you and your daughter.
I guess I always fantazied about doing an intervention, but the real issue for me was "I had to be strong enough to set my boundaries (no contact, no money, no food from me, no bus fare from me, etc.) and stick to them." The truth - I wasn't that strong. So although an intervention sounded great it wouldn't have worked.
So, I attend NarAnon and AlAnon, read alot here and post when it strikes me and am trying to get strong and recover myself from my codependency. I love my son more than I can express but I don't do him any favors by being his enabler.
Good luck and my prayers go out to you and your daughter.
newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 18
Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement here.....
I went to her apartment tonight and told her that we know EVERYTHING she has been doing and that I love her and want her to get help. She looked me straight in the eye and lied to my face. She said she wasn't doing meth and only doing some things "recreationally"! It wasn't a long visit and ultimately she asked me to leave. She couldn't believe that I would believe everyone else over her!
I also contacted a crisis helpline and they will be calling her and going to see her to access her mental health and help her any way they can. They also can point me in the right direction for help and support too. I told them that she would tell them that she didn't have a problem.
This is so hard.
I went to her apartment tonight and told her that we know EVERYTHING she has been doing and that I love her and want her to get help. She looked me straight in the eye and lied to my face. She said she wasn't doing meth and only doing some things "recreationally"! It wasn't a long visit and ultimately she asked me to leave. She couldn't believe that I would believe everyone else over her!
I also contacted a crisis helpline and they will be calling her and going to see her to access her mental health and help her any way they can. They also can point me in the right direction for help and support too. I told them that she would tell them that she didn't have a problem.
This is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 18
((Spoiled))
Sorry you are going through this. The addict in my life is my AH. I know what you mean about lying to your face. Remember that addiction will do ANYTHING and I mean anything, to protect itself, including lying even when presented with COLD HARD EVIDENCE To the contrary.
Others have had good advice. I have, and still am, draining myself to try to "save" my AH. I'm finally in counseling again to try and get some self-worth in all this.
My take on interventions is this: they only work if the addict is willing and ready to get help. You know, addicts do KNOW they have options other than using. They know it even though they profess over and over that they don't. My AH's family did an intervention, and it did NOT work. They were not willing to turn him out and cut him off, and remember that even if you ARE willing to do that, it is no guarantee that it will "force" the addict to get help anyway.
On the flip side, my AH went to rehab last year for 1 week and stayed clean for 1 whole year, because he wanted recovery at that time. He had been in long term (6 months) rehabs several times before and relapsed soon after getting out of those. So the length of time in rehab doesn't always matter...it is always up to the addict. Last year was actually the shortest stay in rehab my AH ever had (he's gone probably once a year for six years) and he stayed clean the longest after.
I think getting help for yourself is the best thing you could possibly do for your daughter. We codies need to change how we deal with life (not just the addict) too. I hope you find some peace and serenity and your daughter finds her path too,soon!
Hugs!
Sorry you are going through this. The addict in my life is my AH. I know what you mean about lying to your face. Remember that addiction will do ANYTHING and I mean anything, to protect itself, including lying even when presented with COLD HARD EVIDENCE To the contrary.
Others have had good advice. I have, and still am, draining myself to try to "save" my AH. I'm finally in counseling again to try and get some self-worth in all this.
My take on interventions is this: they only work if the addict is willing and ready to get help. You know, addicts do KNOW they have options other than using. They know it even though they profess over and over that they don't. My AH's family did an intervention, and it did NOT work. They were not willing to turn him out and cut him off, and remember that even if you ARE willing to do that, it is no guarantee that it will "force" the addict to get help anyway.
On the flip side, my AH went to rehab last year for 1 week and stayed clean for 1 whole year, because he wanted recovery at that time. He had been in long term (6 months) rehabs several times before and relapsed soon after getting out of those. So the length of time in rehab doesn't always matter...it is always up to the addict. Last year was actually the shortest stay in rehab my AH ever had (he's gone probably once a year for six years) and he stayed clean the longest after.
I think getting help for yourself is the best thing you could possibly do for your daughter. We codies need to change how we deal with life (not just the addict) too. I hope you find some peace and serenity and your daughter finds her path too,soon!
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 26
I agree with what has been said above me. I believe interventions can be useful but at the end of the day, the addict has to want to change and surrender.
Everyone else can stand there kicking and screaming and giving all their energy but it sadly won't amount to much.
Prayers for your family.
Everyone else can stand there kicking and screaming and giving all their energy but it sadly won't amount to much.
Prayers for your family.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Today I have the fantastic relationship with my son that I always yearned for.
sometimes we must "let go" for now and focus on our own issues.
When she gets to another bottom may be a better time to intervene.
I intervened three times on my son and three times he went.
Ea. time he was in pretty bad shape.
He's sober 20 mos. now.
In between I got busy with therapy, alanon and detachment.
Today I have the fantastic relationship with my son that I always yearned for.
This would not be possible If I had not changed in monumental ways myself.
I've overcome my control + codependent issues.
I've spent 6 yrs, actively involved in alanon: Sponsor, sponsees, speaking positions, service work, etc. I work it and it works
My own recovery, turns out, is equally as important as my son's.
It took a long time, but I wanted serenity and now I have it.
When she gets to another bottom may be a better time to intervene.
I intervened three times on my son and three times he went.
Ea. time he was in pretty bad shape.
He's sober 20 mos. now.
In between I got busy with therapy, alanon and detachment.
Today I have the fantastic relationship with my son that I always yearned for.
This would not be possible If I had not changed in monumental ways myself.
I've overcome my control + codependent issues.
I've spent 6 yrs, actively involved in alanon: Sponsor, sponsees, speaking positions, service work, etc. I work it and it works
My own recovery, turns out, is equally as important as my son's.
It took a long time, but I wanted serenity and now I have it.
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