The plot thickens.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
The plot thickens.
Hi everyone, for those who know me, this is the plot thickening.......... and I need your help for some suggestions, and words of wisdom. For those who don't know me, it might be a bit long-winded to grasp the whole picture.
So the abf hasn't gone anywhere, I haven't made any moves. I've been working towards a 'plan' of action, while detatching from his behavior. As you know -- there hasn't been any drama, I'm not in the mode of trying to 'change' or 'control' anything about him, or his addiction. He has been relativly fine......... (as you know he's quite hi-functioning), there aren't any fights, the money is still being given to me....... all is o.k. except we all know it is NOT ok with me that he has a problem, and that I don't want to live my life with an addict. PERIOD. SO, I'm in the mode, of makeing my plans accordingly. (unfortunatley he's been on his best behavior around here....helping with laundry, dinner, doing things like baseball games and stuff with me).
HERE WE GO. well, one thing I don't think I ever told anyone, Is that his divorce is not 'final'. We met 4 yrs ago, and we were both seperated. My divorce was final in 4 months after we started dateing. His is still not final.
I have heard (as im sure you can guess) every excuse in the book. He dosn't have contact with the ex... (if you call her that) he sees his kids a couple times a week.... they go places. They don't come here. (obviously you all know we live together) my home.
He has said it's the 'money' the 'insurance' bla bla bla. Last time he said he wanted to get off the pills, because the pills cause him to ignore and not handle his responsibilities, like contacting the attorney and setting a court date to finalize his mess.
I told him that I can't tolerate the excuses any longer, and to just get it handled. In addition, I get the line from him, "what's the difference, we are together, it will get handled."
SOOOOO, in addition to his addiction I have this underlying issue that causes me immense anger and discontent. A part of me focuses on his addiction when I'm angry, at other times I focus on the fact that legally he is STILL married to someone else.
Then I think to myself, "what do I care if he's divorced or not, I don't want to be with a drug addict anyhow".
I just don't know where to turn anymore. I have ceased having conversations with him about either issue, because I don't want to tell someone what to do..........he should just be doing what is right PERIOD!
Well the holidays are comming up, and I'm not doing it. Im not going to subject myself to all the whopla of the seasons, with anger surging through my veins, and yet I have to be silenced, because I can't control anything.
Sometimes he will get upset with me, for some of my faults.... (not many of corse
) and my immediate reaction is "hey your still frieken married to someone else, AND you are addicted to friggin pills!" Not productive.
Finally I worry, that if something dosen't change......... he will get sick or die from popping too many pills, and then what? I'll be shipping back him in a body bag to the woman who will 'legally' be burying him? I know aweful thought, but this is reality.
Im so lost.
Love,
Cess
So the abf hasn't gone anywhere, I haven't made any moves. I've been working towards a 'plan' of action, while detatching from his behavior. As you know -- there hasn't been any drama, I'm not in the mode of trying to 'change' or 'control' anything about him, or his addiction. He has been relativly fine......... (as you know he's quite hi-functioning), there aren't any fights, the money is still being given to me....... all is o.k. except we all know it is NOT ok with me that he has a problem, and that I don't want to live my life with an addict. PERIOD. SO, I'm in the mode, of makeing my plans accordingly. (unfortunatley he's been on his best behavior around here....helping with laundry, dinner, doing things like baseball games and stuff with me).
HERE WE GO. well, one thing I don't think I ever told anyone, Is that his divorce is not 'final'. We met 4 yrs ago, and we were both seperated. My divorce was final in 4 months after we started dateing. His is still not final.
I have heard (as im sure you can guess) every excuse in the book. He dosn't have contact with the ex... (if you call her that) he sees his kids a couple times a week.... they go places. They don't come here. (obviously you all know we live together) my home.
He has said it's the 'money' the 'insurance' bla bla bla. Last time he said he wanted to get off the pills, because the pills cause him to ignore and not handle his responsibilities, like contacting the attorney and setting a court date to finalize his mess.
I told him that I can't tolerate the excuses any longer, and to just get it handled. In addition, I get the line from him, "what's the difference, we are together, it will get handled."
SOOOOO, in addition to his addiction I have this underlying issue that causes me immense anger and discontent. A part of me focuses on his addiction when I'm angry, at other times I focus on the fact that legally he is STILL married to someone else.
Then I think to myself, "what do I care if he's divorced or not, I don't want to be with a drug addict anyhow".
I just don't know where to turn anymore. I have ceased having conversations with him about either issue, because I don't want to tell someone what to do..........he should just be doing what is right PERIOD!
Well the holidays are comming up, and I'm not doing it. Im not going to subject myself to all the whopla of the seasons, with anger surging through my veins, and yet I have to be silenced, because I can't control anything.
Sometimes he will get upset with me, for some of my faults.... (not many of corse
) and my immediate reaction is "hey your still frieken married to someone else, AND you are addicted to friggin pills!" Not productive.Finally I worry, that if something dosen't change......... he will get sick or die from popping too many pills, and then what? I'll be shipping back him in a body bag to the woman who will 'legally' be burying him? I know aweful thought, but this is reality.
Im so lost.
Love,
Cess
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
The man is married to another woman and you're with him why?
That alone ought to be enough. How many years? If he hasn't shed this other committment by now - he has no intention to. He's doing dishes waiting for you to get busy with life again then he'll be back to the pills.
Reading your post, I 'saw' something in my head, I don't want to come off harsh, so I'm trying to be as gentle as I can here, okay?
I am an alcoholic.
I have married two alcoholics
and two drug addicts.
Turst me when I say - wehn you get involved with alcoholics or addicts - your highest hope is the number two spot on their list of 'life needs.'
You'll never be number one.
Period.
Even in recovery -
the priority is still going to be you coming AFTER their program. Their sobriety.
The deciding it sounds to me like needs doing is ...
is number two (or less as it progresses) where you want to be?
This man is an addict
(there's number one)
and married to someone else
(there's two - whether it's *her* or fear of losing property -
it's still above YOU on the list)
if he gets help - you STILL are # three on that list
recovery replacing the drug, but the marriage remaining where it is.
I finally made the decision that I deserve to be farther up the list that that
if I am to commit my living ness to another human.
Food for thought.
That alone ought to be enough. How many years? If he hasn't shed this other committment by now - he has no intention to. He's doing dishes waiting for you to get busy with life again then he'll be back to the pills.
Reading your post, I 'saw' something in my head, I don't want to come off harsh, so I'm trying to be as gentle as I can here, okay?
I am an alcoholic.
I have married two alcoholics
and two drug addicts.
Turst me when I say - wehn you get involved with alcoholics or addicts - your highest hope is the number two spot on their list of 'life needs.'
You'll never be number one.
Period.
Even in recovery -
the priority is still going to be you coming AFTER their program. Their sobriety.
The deciding it sounds to me like needs doing is ...
is number two (or less as it progresses) where you want to be?
This man is an addict
(there's number one)
and married to someone else
(there's two - whether it's *her* or fear of losing property -
it's still above YOU on the list)
if he gets help - you STILL are # three on that list
recovery replacing the drug, but the marriage remaining where it is.
I finally made the decision that I deserve to be farther up the list that that
if I am to commit my living ness to another human.
Food for thought.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Cessy, what would you tell your best friend if she was living like you are?
I ask that because you ARE your best friend, and your life will be as good as the standards you set for it.
What helped me pull myself up a notch or two and begin living my life again as it was intended to be lived, happily and peacefully, was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life.
Regardless of what his choices are, you have choices too. The good ones are often the hardest to make, but in the long run they are the ones that will bring us to a better path and a happy life.
You deserve better, and you can have better, but whatever you choose, just know that we're walking with you.
Hugs
I ask that because you ARE your best friend, and your life will be as good as the standards you set for it.
What helped me pull myself up a notch or two and begin living my life again as it was intended to be lived, happily and peacefully, was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 little steps that literally saved my life.
Regardless of what his choices are, you have choices too. The good ones are often the hardest to make, but in the long run they are the ones that will bring us to a better path and a happy life.
You deserve better, and you can have better, but whatever you choose, just know that we're walking with you.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Ann 
Cessy, what would you tell your best friend if she was living like you are?
Hugs
Hugs
Ironically, when it's me, I don't do the same.........NOT because I don't think I deserve better, but because I really believed all the 'excuses' for a very long time. Now there is so much time invested...... and my family even accepts his 'situation', that I feel that I'M being unreasonable. (a little side note-- my mom is a die-hard Italian Catholic woman who has extremely high standards and principles), even SHE makes excuses for him, telling me sometimes "life is complicated"........ I don't get it. Whenever I didn't do the 'right thing' in life, she was running to church and lighting candles for me. Nothing other than perfection on MY part was acceptable to her.
Therefore, when she and others around me tell me to, 'let it be', 'things will change @ when they are supposed to change', etc.... I start to think that it's me trying to 'control' again...........
I'm not a stupid woman, but this whole situation, and the way it unfolded, leaves me feeling like a dang moron.
Thankyou for the replies.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
One thing we never get back is the time we spent waiting for someone to change. I often wonder what I would have done with the many years of my life I spent dating unavailable men. That was self-abuse.
THAT is something I have to own. That was years of my precious life wasted. And it was my choice. Part of my recovery is to let those wasted years go and forgive myself. That is not always easy.
THAT is something I have to own. That was years of my precious life wasted. And it was my choice. Part of my recovery is to let those wasted years go and forgive myself. That is not always easy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Cess I am glad that you are finally getting it ALL out...This is progress for you.
You commented on one of my last posts about not wanting to even be on the other side of addiction (recovery) and I believe that this is the reason why. If he were to ever get sober you still have this issue hanging over your relationship. I can understand listening to and accepting the excuses. Been there done that.
I don't really know what to tell you. I wish that I had some fancy advice for you but I just dont. The turmoil that you are going through right now is the confliction that you have within yourself about doing and accepting something that is contrary to what you believe.
I think the best thing to do is to really look at why you are staying. I know that you have commented many times that it is the money situation for the most part but I think there is something else within yourself that is causing you to stay and accept things.
When I first knew that I was going to leave my abusive marriage money was a small factor. I had just purchased a new car and had a pretty good size car payment. I was already concerned about that payment and thought that the little bit of money that the ex was giving me was gonna make or break my ability to pay this car payment. But it just got to the point where I didnt care if I had to live without a phone, or cable, or work extra hours to help out or ask my family for help. Money became a non issue when I realized that I could no longer accept this treatment.
And you know what I made it. I just dove off and did it. I didnt think about how I was gonna make I just knew that no matter what I would find a way.
So lets say he gets totally sober today and works a strong program. Would it still be acceptable for him to be married to someone else? Would the blanket excuse that he was addicted to drugs and avoided problems be acceptable to you? Are you fantasizing that he is gonna get clean and suddenly make all the changes that you want him to make?
These are questions you should be asking yourself.
One thing that I have been learning about control issues is that you have to accept someone for who or what they are TODAY otherwise everything after today is based on control.
What I am trying to say is that from day 1 with your bf you have accepted that he was married to another woman. You accepted it when he moved in with you. You accepted maybe not with your mind or your values but in action you accepted that that was the case. This is where couples find themselves in the trap of one person trying to change another and the other person saying "well it didnt seem to bother you when we first got together!"
You kinda let your "in love" feelings allow for you to accept the excuses and kept hoping that he would change. This is where we fall into the trap of trying to control. We dont like what a person is doing so we start putting limits on them, or we give ultimatums.
I am just trying to point out to you how you are accepting this situation. You may not like it or it may not match up with your values but the sad fact is that from the first day its been ok because you didnt have boundaries. Your boundary there could have been that you wouldnt live with him until he was divorced. Hindsight is always twenty twenty.
I guess my whole point in all of this is that you really need to do some deep honest soul searching. I am no expert but I think self esteem is at the core of this. Most of us codies have this problem. That is at the heart of why we stay in bad relationships, why we keep picking bad relationships, why we allow people to continue to hurt us but act like its not that big of a deal. And frankly until you find a way to resolve this issue you will either stay in this relationship or get into another with someone who although may not have a drug problem but could very well have other issues like controlling, emotionally abusive, lack of stable career path etc. So that is why its so important that you look at yourself. Not why he wont do something but why you are at where you are at in this relationship.
Sweets I care very deeply for you. I wish you the best. I hope that you can really turn yourself around.
take care,
Love Cassandra
You commented on one of my last posts about not wanting to even be on the other side of addiction (recovery) and I believe that this is the reason why. If he were to ever get sober you still have this issue hanging over your relationship. I can understand listening to and accepting the excuses. Been there done that.
I don't really know what to tell you. I wish that I had some fancy advice for you but I just dont. The turmoil that you are going through right now is the confliction that you have within yourself about doing and accepting something that is contrary to what you believe.
I think the best thing to do is to really look at why you are staying. I know that you have commented many times that it is the money situation for the most part but I think there is something else within yourself that is causing you to stay and accept things.
When I first knew that I was going to leave my abusive marriage money was a small factor. I had just purchased a new car and had a pretty good size car payment. I was already concerned about that payment and thought that the little bit of money that the ex was giving me was gonna make or break my ability to pay this car payment. But it just got to the point where I didnt care if I had to live without a phone, or cable, or work extra hours to help out or ask my family for help. Money became a non issue when I realized that I could no longer accept this treatment.
And you know what I made it. I just dove off and did it. I didnt think about how I was gonna make I just knew that no matter what I would find a way.
So lets say he gets totally sober today and works a strong program. Would it still be acceptable for him to be married to someone else? Would the blanket excuse that he was addicted to drugs and avoided problems be acceptable to you? Are you fantasizing that he is gonna get clean and suddenly make all the changes that you want him to make?
These are questions you should be asking yourself.
One thing that I have been learning about control issues is that you have to accept someone for who or what they are TODAY otherwise everything after today is based on control.
What I am trying to say is that from day 1 with your bf you have accepted that he was married to another woman. You accepted it when he moved in with you. You accepted maybe not with your mind or your values but in action you accepted that that was the case. This is where couples find themselves in the trap of one person trying to change another and the other person saying "well it didnt seem to bother you when we first got together!"
You kinda let your "in love" feelings allow for you to accept the excuses and kept hoping that he would change. This is where we fall into the trap of trying to control. We dont like what a person is doing so we start putting limits on them, or we give ultimatums.
I am just trying to point out to you how you are accepting this situation. You may not like it or it may not match up with your values but the sad fact is that from the first day its been ok because you didnt have boundaries. Your boundary there could have been that you wouldnt live with him until he was divorced. Hindsight is always twenty twenty.
I guess my whole point in all of this is that you really need to do some deep honest soul searching. I am no expert but I think self esteem is at the core of this. Most of us codies have this problem. That is at the heart of why we stay in bad relationships, why we keep picking bad relationships, why we allow people to continue to hurt us but act like its not that big of a deal. And frankly until you find a way to resolve this issue you will either stay in this relationship or get into another with someone who although may not have a drug problem but could very well have other issues like controlling, emotionally abusive, lack of stable career path etc. So that is why its so important that you look at yourself. Not why he wont do something but why you are at where you are at in this relationship.
Sweets I care very deeply for you. I wish you the best. I hope that you can really turn yourself around.
take care,
Love Cassandra
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Then I think to myself, "what do I care if he's divorced or not, I don't want to be with a drug addict anyhow".
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Cess...
Lots of great thoughts before me.
I just want to comment on the things your die-hard Catholic mom is saying.
My mom is a codependent. My dad was an alcoholic and she stuck by him and somehow managed to raise 9 children practically on her own.
I admired her for it. I still admire her and respect her and love her more than I can say.
When addiction entered my marriage, I tried to follow her example. I stayed. I prayed. I tried to be a good, supportive wife. I hurt myself a great deal in the process.
Your mom hasn't walked in your shoes. She may have an idea about how these things have impacted you but she can't know the whole story. I know you love your mom (just as I love and respect mine) but at some point, other people's opinions can't matter. This is YOUR life. Its YOUR path. What do you want for your life? Where do you want to be in 1, 3, 5 years down the road? Nothing changes if nothing changes. And the ONLY person who can make needed change is YOU. We can search for deep meanings and hidden clues...we can rationalize, excuse, and accept things we know to be unacceptable...but at some point, we have to love and trust ourselves enough to do what we KNOW is right.
Hugs
Lots of great thoughts before me.
I just want to comment on the things your die-hard Catholic mom is saying.
My mom is a codependent. My dad was an alcoholic and she stuck by him and somehow managed to raise 9 children practically on her own.
I admired her for it. I still admire her and respect her and love her more than I can say.
When addiction entered my marriage, I tried to follow her example. I stayed. I prayed. I tried to be a good, supportive wife. I hurt myself a great deal in the process.
Your mom hasn't walked in your shoes. She may have an idea about how these things have impacted you but she can't know the whole story. I know you love your mom (just as I love and respect mine) but at some point, other people's opinions can't matter. This is YOUR life. Its YOUR path. What do you want for your life? Where do you want to be in 1, 3, 5 years down the road? Nothing changes if nothing changes. And the ONLY person who can make needed change is YOU. We can search for deep meanings and hidden clues...we can rationalize, excuse, and accept things we know to be unacceptable...but at some point, we have to love and trust ourselves enough to do what we KNOW is right.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outonalimb
I just want to comment on the things your die-hard Catholic mom is saying.
My mom is a codependent. My dad was an alcoholic and she stuck by him and somehow managed to raise 9 children practically on her own.
I admired her for it. I still admire her and respect her and love her more than I can say.
When addiction entered my marriage, I tried to follow her example. I stayed. I prayed. I tried to be a good, supportive wife. I hurt myself a great deal in the process.Hugs
My mom is a codependent. My dad was an alcoholic and she stuck by him and somehow managed to raise 9 children practically on her own.
I admired her for it. I still admire her and respect her and love her more than I can say.
When addiction entered my marriage, I tried to follow her example. I stayed. I prayed. I tried to be a good, supportive wife. I hurt myself a great deal in the process.Hugs
She tells me "cess, can't you see, that YOU are doing the wrong thins? You keep walking from relationships--- NONE of them will ever be perfect. Perhaps *joe* (name changed) is not perfect either.... but you love him. Maybe for a change you should not leave this relationship.... cause who knows what you will get next time. No relationship is perfect."
I start to think she is right, and I'm just pushy, righteous, and demanding on everyone......... I then look at him and say, "ok, I actually DO love this man, perhaps if I just laid back things would work out in their own time".....
It's crazy -- I know. Even when my parents came for dinner last night and one of my kids joked saying -- "maybe mom will be single again"... my mother responded by saying, "oh lord, please no..... we don't want to go through another relationship again".............
All about them/her. (her and my dad).
I guess what baffels me the most, was when I went through BOTH of my divorces, she made me feel like I would burn in hell..... so why would she condone my relationship with him, KNOWING his divorce isn't final? How does she remain in her own denial saying "things in life are complicated" when it comes to OTHERS -- but not me?
I'm so confused... but perhaps you are on to something about the mom theory.
thank you for the imput.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Your mother also doesnt know the whole story.....
I see that happen alot when people rationalize something that they know and believe to be wrong. That sounds like what your mom is trying to do. She is rationalizing your current relationship because she doesnt want to see you go through another trial and error type of thing.
I see a codie here too. Your mom wants status quo. Something that is almost required to be a codie. Because with status quo nothing especially the codie has to change. And we rationalize "its not that bad" "atleast its not a needle in his arm" to justify to ourselves that everything is ok.
Just some thoughts
I see that happen alot when people rationalize something that they know and believe to be wrong. That sounds like what your mom is trying to do. She is rationalizing your current relationship because she doesnt want to see you go through another trial and error type of thing.
I see a codie here too. Your mom wants status quo. Something that is almost required to be a codie. Because with status quo nothing especially the codie has to change. And we rationalize "its not that bad" "atleast its not a needle in his arm" to justify to ourselves that everything is ok.
Just some thoughts
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
It's amazing what you can't see when you're in a situation. I laugh at myself sometimes when I talk out loud about things I've been through with abf and think, DID I REALLY ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN??? It always amazes me when I think how much in denial my abf is... but then I think, WOW I am in just as much denial as he is. I've closed my eyes to so many things that I should never have allowed. But I did so because he was so good at washing those things away. He'd put a band aide on the booboo he made and made it all better. Then later on he'd rip that sucker right back off. Like you said in my thread, it's a total roller-coaster. You know that your situation isn't good. You know you want more and know you deserve more. But that carrot is out there still. We're like a couple of horses following that dang carrot. Your mom is right in one thing, no relationship is perfect. HOWEVER, no relationship should make you feel crazy either. Or eat at you every single day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Door #1 -Accept the situation as it is, not as you want it to be, or
Door #2-Continue to wish, hope, pray, blame, shame, worry, fret and get your undies in a bunch, when he does not do, as you expect him to, or
Door #3- Decide where your own boundaries are and if that does or not include living with someone in active addiction who happens to be married to someone else, so be it.
Door #2-Continue to wish, hope, pray, blame, shame, worry, fret and get your undies in a bunch, when he does not do, as you expect him to, or
Door #3- Decide where your own boundaries are and if that does or not include living with someone in active addiction who happens to be married to someone else, so be it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Door #1 -Accept the situation as it is, not as you want it to be, or
Door #2-Continue to wish, hope, pray, blame, shame, worry, fret and get your undies in a bunch, when he does not do, as you expect him to, or
Door #3- Decide where your own boundaries are and if that does or not include living with someone in active addiction who happens to be married to someone else, so be it.
Door #2-Continue to wish, hope, pray, blame, shame, worry, fret and get your undies in a bunch, when he does not do, as you expect him to, or
Door #3- Decide where your own boundaries are and if that does or not include living with someone in active addiction who happens to be married to someone else, so be it.
I always like your short and sweet blunt answers.........
I wish I liked any of these doors....
I don't.
HURGH. However, it gives me something to think about. I personally have been choosing number's one and two. when I try to take number three.....something, (namely him and his manipulation) causes me to go back to one and two. I've got some serious work to do here.
:praying I'm needing these...
Love,
cess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by justtired
It's amazing what you can't see when you're in a situation. I've closed my eyes to so many things that I should never have allowed. But I did so because he was so good at washing those things away. He'd put a band aide on the booboo he made and made it all better. Then later on he'd rip that sucker right back off..
How do you think those responses affected me?
I'm slowly loosing my mind.
thank you for talking to me.
Love,
cess
the journey continues
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Atlantic Canada
Posts: 34
Hi Cessy,
I began lurking in this forum right around the time you joined and have been following your story all along. Our stories have their differences but I really relate to the turmoil you are going through.
They can't see that we CAN'T just "live life a littel bit" and "be the girl he used to know" while we're wrapped up in a life with addiction - compromising our own true selves, staying on that roller coaster waiting for it to get better. Playing a waiting game isn't living life (neither is hiding behind drugs, btw). It would just be pretending if you were to be the girl he used to know after living a life you don't want for so long and still being stuck in the middle of it. If you're not happy, you're simply not happy.
And this. I have heard this WAY too many times and it's ALWAYS worse than what they admit to. The last time I heard was after an episode of breaking into my house, spying on me in an hallucinatory fog and committing vandalistic acts. Just had to insert that as an example of how bad it CAN get.
I could go on but it's not what you need. What you need to do is take steps to find happiness for Cessy, not worrying about what everyone else needs/wants. You can't live a life of compromise and be happy. Period.
Unfortunately, the options presented by outtolunch are the only ones I can see too. #1 & #2 . . . "how's that workin' for ya?" Maybe it's time to look at #3??
Said in love,
BTM
I began lurking in this forum right around the time you joined and have been following your story all along. Our stories have their differences but I really relate to the turmoil you are going through.
They can't see that we CAN'T just "live life a littel bit" and "be the girl he used to know" while we're wrapped up in a life with addiction - compromising our own true selves, staying on that roller coaster waiting for it to get better. Playing a waiting game isn't living life (neither is hiding behind drugs, btw). It would just be pretending if you were to be the girl he used to know after living a life you don't want for so long and still being stuck in the middle of it. If you're not happy, you're simply not happy.
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.... I only took one pill yesterday..........
I could go on but it's not what you need. What you need to do is take steps to find happiness for Cessy, not worrying about what everyone else needs/wants. You can't live a life of compromise and be happy. Period.
Unfortunately, the options presented by outtolunch are the only ones I can see too. #1 & #2 . . . "how's that workin' for ya?" Maybe it's time to look at #3??
Said in love,
BTM
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
I just got done with another useless 'discussion' with the abf, because he senses 'something' is up with me. He approached me, we talked........... All I got out of him was the "no one knows what we have......... they aren't in our shoes............ all relationships have problems.......you aren't perfect either.......... I'm trying to change......... if you just laid back a bit, and be the girl I used to know, makeing changes for me would be easier........ why don't you just enjoy life a little........ I only took one pill yesterday.......... you always think the worst of me and our situation........ why can't you look on the bright side of things?............. do you really want to throw away everything we have after all this time...... I can't concentrate on work, or any of our problems when you are upset all the time.......... bla bla bla.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cessy68
I wish I liked any of these doors....
I don't.
I don't.
Personally I see you getting more and more mired in the muck.
You're the only one who can get yourself out, Cessy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by cessy68
However, it gives me something to think about. I personally have been choosing number's one and two. when I try to take number three.....something, (namely him and his manipulation) causes me to go back to one and two. I've got some serious work to do here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Personally I see you getting more and more mired in the muck.
You're the only one who can get yourself out, Cessy.
You're the only one who can get yourself out, Cessy.
I'm simply trying to learn, and reach out for help, from people who have walked down a road similar to mine. I'm looking for guidence and some sort of clarity. Perhaps on some level, I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm NOT crazy, after being told how unreasonable I am on a flippin' daily basis.
Just looking for a hand to hold.
Love,
cess
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