hello-kitty

Are you crazy? No, you probably wouldn't fit the medical definition of crazy or insane. I believe you have the power to change your situation. Truly crazy people don't.

But are you mentally healthy right now? Are you feeling fulfilled in your relationship? Are you comfortable with your life choices? Only you can answer those questions.

I know that when I was living in a crazy situation, I felt crazy. I know that when I was living with an addict, I did some pretty crazy things to maintain my relationship with him.

Freedom1990

Sincere apologies for misinterpreting your post/situation.

outtolunch

My daughter, as a child and teen used to say " I don't like it" in response a laundry list of things, she preferred not to do.

I spent decades overseeing a business and not a day would go by that someone did not say " I don't like it".

My response was always the same, "You do not have to like it. You just need to do it or incur the consequences."

outtolunch

Allow me to reframe this, for your consideration:

You choose to not take door #3 and rationalize that your choice is because of him and his manipulation.

Do you see a difference?

It makes no difference to me which door you choose. If and when you can make peace with the situation as is, not as you want it to be, more power to you. Are you at peace, Cessy?

cessy68

Yes I see the difference. Thank you. No I am not at peace. Time to do more than 'something' about it.

With warmest regards,
love,
cess

Impurrfect

((Cess)))

I'm sorry you're still gowing through all this. I went through it for 20+ years, and in the end, we drifted apart because he found someone who was very HAPPY to be the codie he wanted....I'd gotten tired of it, but still wasn't ready to let go. I'm very grateful to him that he let me go. I have no doubt he still has the "main" girlfriend, with 2 or 3 on the side, may be a functioning alcholic, but in hindsight...the man I thought I loved with all my heart, thought I couldn't LIVE without him...he's just a distance memory of what I DON'T want in a relationship.

I hope you don't spend another 20 years, as I did, wondering when things are going to get better. That's pinning all your hopes for a great future on someone who is totally focused on what he wants.

Maybe if you could BOTH stop telling each other what each other needs to do (like his "if you'd just lay back and relax) it might help.

He's not going to do what you want him to because he's an addict who isn't ready to give up. You're not going to do what he wants to do because his addiction and behavior are really, really getting to you. The whole conversation is just a waste of time, IMO.

I truly hope you hit your bottom soon. I wouldn't wish what I went through in my worst codie relationship on anyone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrsMagoo

Believe it or not Cessy - it will "click" eventually. I was on here for close to two years going back and forth and not implementing what I heard. Suddenly it just "clicked" and I was able to put one foot in front of the other and say and do the things I needed to say and do.

I'm sure somewhere on SR there was a party. I was afraid to post about it because I was afraid that I would change my mind and have to eat crow again.

Some days it hurts like hell and I wonder if I did the right thing.

As time goes by and I see that AH is not changing, just getting deeper and deeper, and I realize that I AM changing and have located my smile again, I know full heartedly that I DID do the right thing even though it was scary. The thing was....I was tired. There is more to life than this roller coaster we choose to stay on. Jump on off. It might hurt a little when you land but it can't hurt more than what you are experiencing now right?

outtolunch

When I look back the "hurt like hell" was far more about my own inability to control my daughter and her addiction, than anything else.

cessy68

he more than helps with the expenses.

absolutly no abuse.

always paarticipates..... (ball games/lawn mowing/family get-togethers)

never steals from us.

NO affairs....

never disappears...

never borrows money.

So, what does that leave from the above list................

he lies about how often/many pills he can't stop.
We would have more money..... (and his business) would have more money... if he wern't spending it on pills. (and I know he is, because he admitts this IS a problem for him).

The other componant is that HE admitts that his avoidance of the things he needs to handle, (like finalizing the divorce paperwork with attorney) etc. is always put on the back burner..... because he is on the pills. HE states to me that he works, comes home, does everything he needs to do......(and takes his pills) and bigger things, like his taxes, his attorney, having serious dicussions with his kids about us/our life, and their lack of involvement with us are put on the back burner (easily) because of the pills.

I worry for his well-being. BUT does it really directly affect me? No. Does he have it in my home? no. BUT, when he TRIES to get off the pills its horrible mood swings and stuff that I just cant take..........

I'm rambeling, I hope I answered some of your question.

Love,
cess

(i hope this gives you some insight/and others here so that I can get some perspective from you guys.)

P.s. ...... thank you amy, and Ms. Magoo.... and everyone else for your understanding and kindness. Maybe face to face meetings would be helpful to me. You all give me hope.

Love,
Cess

hello-kitty

Sounds like he's meeting the minimum requirements for life.

Maybe you should take the focus off him and his character deficiencies and put it on you and yours. Instead of trying to change him, because it's obviously not working, try and change yourself Cessy. Try to accept the relationship exactly as it is. Because you might as well be happy with the way things are in your life.

Maybe you are already doing that? But maybe a big thing is that you really need to just let him be, let him do what he wants to do and let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

cassandra2

I would like to chime in and say that this has been MY experience and maybe just maybe you could apply it to yourself and your situation and maybe start to feel a little bit more unstuck.

Now that my eyes are open to how my behavior contributed to the problems of my relationship with a pill popper my focus is now on myself and what I can do to change myself.

If your ABF does have character defects only he can change that. Your ABF is abusing pills only he can change that. Divorce, only he can change that. And ya it does kinda sound like you are adding all of these things under the addiction umbrella. BUT.....

With all of that being said there still isnt a DAMN thing you can do about it.

So I think it would be best if you stopped looking at everything as being black/white. Stop telling yourself that you cant take this much longer and how you just cant deal with the drug abuse. Because in all reality this gets you no where. We both have been posting here for the last year and what has changed?

I am trying to say this as gently as possible so please dont take this the wrong way.

Its a struggle for me everyday to understand that the only thing I have control over and can change is myself. But I do it. Why? Because I am a codie and if I let myself I will fall right back into the same patterns of controlling and being utterly unhappy with my situation. I am trying to find ways to be present in each and every moment instead of being in my head analyzing what so and so meant by the comment they just made.

I am opening my eyes to the defects that I have NOT anyone else. This is hard work Cess...I resisted this work because first of all I didnt want to believe that I was a codie. I didnt want to believe that there could be something wrong with me. And I was afraid to change. Changing bad or unhealthy behavior is very hard. Its very unsettling to admit that there are things that we do that are unhealthy for us. And not only that but being a codie is all that I knew. I didnt know how to do things any other way.

But when I really got honest with myself and really started to examine my thoughts, my roles, my ideas, my feelings I began to see that alot of it was and is unhealthy. Those things were keeping me stuck in life period.

It would have been EASY for me to chalk it up to "well we had trouble in our relationship, or I wasnt happy because he was doing pills." In fact that is what I wanted to believe. I didnt want to believe that it was me. I wanted to believe that ADDICTION was the problem.

So maybe you should start to take a hard look at your behaviors and the way your thoughts are consumed with resentment and anger and start trying to figure out how to fix those things. Rest assured once you start to really take care of yourself and really be true to yourself some of this stress and anxiety you carry will melt away.

Change is hard I know but its possible. And right now that is the ONLY thing that you can do to help your situation.

Stop worrying about the relationship and his drug use and worry about CESSY!!

cessy68

Well, some points you make are valid, I agree, he dosen't like to deal/handle things that are grown up responsibilities...... and that goes hand in hand with addiction.

According to him, for YEARS (his whole life) he has had these issues. He says he always chalked them up to being a party-guy. He would work hard/play hard. It was coke and booze (that he minimized for many years.... by saying to himself and others, "I work hard 6/7 days/nights a week, who cares if I go out for a few drinks, do a line or two..... I'm not bothering anybody.")

NOW, he admitts this to me. I never knew about the coke when we were first dateing. The booze? Well I drink socially, and to go out for drinks w/him was 'normal' to me.

Since he has started the pills, addiction has started running his life. And although it dosen't really impact me, I'd be in denial to not KNOW what is truely happening here. I KNOW, if he weren't so successful in his business/field, that he would have hit bottom by now. The reason we still have money, is because he makes a lot of it. BUT believe me, we struggle, he pays me the minimum that he feels he should.... I KNOW he'd give us/our home more weekly -- if he had more. BUT after paying the ex/his employess/ and his pills..... I get about 400 per wk from him. In reality, I should get 6-700 per week. (between the mortgage, groceries, utilities, and all of our other expenses). HE has admitted he's cheating himself, and us, and his business because of the expense of his habit. I think it's disgusting.... but I settle, because right now for ME, 400 income per wk is better than zero.

As I've said before, because of addiciton, I'm concerned for his health. I've watched a 46yr old man, weighing about 190 @ 6ft tall, go down to `170 because of his muscle wasting from what oxy does to your body. I watched the video you sent out.... and if *joe* (name changed) didn't have money like that kid in the video..... he'd be just like him eventually. Being that he has money, and can still maintain (control) over his life financially, he can still justify drugs as not being a problem.

Finally FOR ME, there are alot of things that drugs DO do..... that allow me to pretend all is fine. (unless you know a pill addict) you can't understand this.... BUT when he is on the pills, I have the best guy in the world in front of me. He gets the job done. He's happy/engaged/involved. He cleans/cooks, fixes things, wants to go places. He laughs, is funny (always a trait I loved even before pills) but is that fun-lovin' guy I used to know. If I asked him for money... it's like taking candy from a baby. He is loving, attentive, and understanding. This is when he is 'normal' again.

When he is out of the pills, THATS when you see the affects of addiction. The tiredness, the lazyness, the depression, the sweats at night, the lack of communication, the "Im broke, I'll give you the money tomorrow"...... well of course he's broke at those times, (otherwise he'd have pills and be high).

THIS is what diminishes MY SELF ESTEEM, because it leaves ME feeling like my relationship is NOT AUTHENTIC. THIS is what causes me concern and discontent.

*joe* told me last night that "maybe he needs to go to treatment"..... he also said that "he knows he's made many promises, and that nothing has changed, but that this week I will start to see some progress".

I almost had him leave last night........ the suitcase was packed, we sat in our room in tears. His tears because of his problem, and his inability to handle things.... he didn't want to leave, wanted one more chance to make things right with us.

My tears were because I want to have a real life, with someone who can give themselves fully -- without all this drama/baggage. I was ready to just let it go..... and the tears because I wanted deep down, to give it one more try. Tears because I USED to make so much money, that I didn't need his-- and that fear of not being able to pay my bills wouldn't be a factor in HOW I AM ALLOWING MYSELF TO LIVE!!!

It has become so complicated, that it is even hard to describe on paper here.

So, for now he is still here. I think that I must put a deadline on things, but that just instills MORE fear and anxiety in me. BUT there must be an end in sight for me, one way or the other. Limbo land is just ripping me apart.

Did I make this ANY clearer for anyone??

Love,
Cess

Chino

I understand and accept that any time my daughter has been active in her addiction, our relationship is not authentic. Regardless, I am still authentic.

cessy68

Perfect response.......... and I agree totally. However, dosen't that change the way you interact/react/ etc. with your daughter? When you are in an intimate relationship, it's impacts your sex-life, your intimacy level, (trust, shareing, compassion, loveingness, etc.) because you experience the lack of authenticity on THEIR part. Any suggestions?

Thank you for 'getting' what I was saying.
Love,
cess

bluebelle

Cess, I really understand what you are saying. Very well. My RABF was on pills for 7 years before he went through his first recovery. While on the pills, he had managed to work at a successful career, take care of his parents, and take care of his kids. He kept up that pace for a long time. However, it got to the point to where the pills were too much. He needed more and more to just maintain a high. He had to trade pills with other people, order them on the Internet, and doctor shop. The lying got worse. He started slurring his speech in public, and weaving while driving. I didn't realize how bad it was until he stole pain pills from my grandmother. The thing about drug addiction is that it gets worse. They either have to go through recovery, or they will keep going until they are dead or in jail. Recovery isn't magic, either. It's not like they just stop, and then everything is wonderful. When ABF was using, I just thought that if he stopped, our lives would be perfect. Of course, it is more complicated than that. He has a lot of work to do, and there is a very high risk that he could relapse.

I'm telling you this so that you can get an idea of my experience of living with a pain pill addict.

Chino

I don't know when it happened, it just did -- I started treating my daughter the same way no matter what was going on with her. Then it extended to everyone. I'm consistent with everyone for the first time in my life, and it's because I finally know and accept myself. I'm authentic with me. I don't adjust for others any more, I adjust for me. I think it's a lot like needing to love yourself before you can really love others.

I think the best suggestion I can give is to know yourself and then be true to yourself.