painter

I have given it alot of thought, with no answers. I have seen it here over and over. Why are our daughters hooked up with such losers? These are not young women who are dumb, they are educated, come from from good homes, were raised with love. But for reasons that are beyond me they get so involved with guys that put them on a path that is nothing more than a down hill spiral. It is everywhere, not just girls who get involved with drugs. I just can't understand why young girls have little or no self respect. My AD has been with ADBF for 7 years now and it has been nothing but trouble. So far they have been clean for almost a year, but still their lifestlye is terrible. He does seasonal work, which makes me worry cause if there is no work there is no money and then it is high risk that drugs will reappear. I live in a constant state of worry. He did not graduate from HS. Has not goals, etc. My AD was a straight A student was accepted to college, but refused cause she wanted to be with him. Now 7 years later, 4 kids she is still with him. No future, will struggle the rest of her life just to scrape by, but she loves him. He has put her in danger, her children in danger, she has taken the rap for him several times and still she loves him. I just keep thinking that if that is love I want no parts of it. SO why are these girls hanging on. Where is the self respect? Any insight girls????

Ann

I think sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. That's often why addicts attract each other and attract codependents too. How many healthy relationships would share their drug use and ability to acquire substances?

She may feel hopeless, with 4 kids she may see no option of working to support herself, she may be afraid of losing the children or their home..fear keeps us frozen sometimes. Or she may think she can save him, or that he will get worse if she leaves. We see that often here on the FF forums.

My prayers go out for her and her family, that they may find a better path soon.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I think maybe it's the old "I can fix him" thing that gets it started. If a young woman is able to get the "bad boy" to change, it impacts her own self esteem. SEE how good she is? SEE how she changed him? SEE how she saved him from a life of desparation?

Of course, we know that the change seldom comes and before the young woman knows it, she is trapped in the relationship with children or other obligations.

I'm watching something similar with my daughter. She's a bright one though. I believe that she will see the light before she gets in too deep. Or maybe that is just my "hope" shining through.

gentle hugs

sunshine1980

I think it has a lot to do with not just seeing the bad things, but also seeing something else in that person (most people aren't born 'bad') and wanting to help them. I think many people get satisfaction out of being able to help someone or make them well.

That goes both ways, I've seen it happen with 'normal' guys wanting to help troubled girls too.

Serenity Bound

painter, GOOD question. Each time my AD gets to a point in her recovery where she is starting to feel good about herself, she runs right back to her "controlling" H and the whole cycle starts over again.

PeaceTrain

Hi Painter - my daughter falls into the same category to some degree. There is a great book that deals with that very issue - Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
It has been around for quite some time, yet the stories are timeless and relevant. She does go into the various forms of toxic love and their roots and alludes to the fact that once you understand your pattern of behavior, you can change over time.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Painter.... sorry you are going through this with your daughter, however, I have to put a different spin on this.

Your daughter, an adult, is also allowing this behavior to continue... the placing herself and her children in danger, taking the rap for him, etc.. We can only point the finger at the bad guy for so long until we realize that the responsibility lies with her as well. Unfortunately, she needs help as well in order to detach from this type of situation but when SHE is ready to do so.

I hope that she has the strength to use that straight A behavior and start reading some self help books.... that's what helped me realize what it was I can and cannot control and get my life back together.

(((HUGS)))

lightseeker

Speaking as one of the "daughters" these are interesting points to ponder. I was raised by a nice family but there were bumps along the way that affected me way more than I realized. My parents divorced when I was 5 and although my father remained a part of my life and my mother provided stability there were some relationship "issues" encoded in me from the get go.

I never was drawn to try and fix things in a man as much as I was drawn to men that were unavailable in some way....addiction being a primary way that people are unavailable. I think that an awful lot in our way of responding and living in the world is patterned early on and also affected by our temperments that we are born with.

I have long said that water seeks it's own level. The very fact that I have been involved with substance abusers tells me that there is an equal level of brokeness within me. Heck, they are actually "healthier" than I am because they at least chose a high functioning person.

I have had difficulty with boundaries because it's been important to me all my life to please. That became my own self imposed exile. I have felt that I should give other people the benefit of the doubt, love, regard, etc. that I want people to give to me. Unfortunately, due to some component in me I don't have a very good radar. There is something in my brain that wants to believe the good in people and that is extremely trusting. I have always tended to give people another chance because I want people to give me another chance.

A lot of my journey has been to learn what being available to myself really means. The 12 steps have been the best way for me but I know that there are lots of ways to get to the same place. It's hard work repatterning old patterns and ways of thinking. It is insidious. I agree that the book Women That Love Too Much is an amazing classic. Also, Women, Sex, and Addiction is another book that helps to understand better this whole phenomenon. My addiction has been to thinking that one true love will make it all better. That is deluded and addictive thinking - thus my being drawn to other people with faulty patterns. And then, down the rabbit hole you go.

I think that programs like Girls On the Run and ANYTHING that enhances our girl's self-esteem/self-images are vital to their emotional health and well-being in adulthood. Our culture (video, music, magazines) creates images that are subliminal in the minds of our girls...... we are implying subtle cultural values at an incredibly early age. It's sad. So, even when we parent well unfortunately our culture can supercede what a girl gets at home.

Interesting topic.....I believe that the solution will be found within all of us and also in educating our boys on the equal value of a girl and not just as a pretty face. I know it must be hard to watch as your daughter makes her choices. I know how difficult it must be for my mother. However, part of what gives me the strength to grow and change is her support and belief in me.

painter

Please don't misunderstand, I am not pointing the finger at any of the "men" I agree these girls are making the decision to be with them. My wondering is why? I know so many young women who are in such horrible relationships and they stay cause they say I love him. I am wondering why these young women are chooseing to live the life they are living. Most, not all were raised in good homes, had a good example set before them as to what life is, or suppose to be and yet they choose to live such horrible lives. Where is their self respect? Do they not have any self love. No pride? Don't they want more out of life than the little they have? Don't they get tired of all the drama, the fear of what is going to happen next? I know quite a few women that live that kind of life but I also know that that is what they grew up to know and followed the same path. They do not feel that they are living unless there is drama. But if you have seen a life that doesn't revolve around drama and fear then I would think that you would get tired of it day after day. Life is such a struggle anyway, why would anyone make it harder than it has to be? Guess my question is what is lacking in these young women that makes them make the decision they are making.

Chino

Not if they like drama and fear and they don't have to be lacking anything to have that preference. Why do some people love horror movies though it gives them nightmares?

truthhurts

Some people just don't want to be alone.

They don't want to do the extensive work and self-examination it takes to get to the root(s) of their issues.

Most people (male and female) who have stayed in toxic, codependent or otherwise unhealthy relationships are just afraid to be by themselves. Anyone is better than no one.