A leak in the no contact dam
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
A leak in the no contact dam
Argh. I don't know how people do it - listen to the pathetic voice messages from the addict in their lives - and then wonder why they can't detach. I don't know how you could be detached when you have contact.
My ex is completely irresponsible and SICK. Just plain sick. You have to be mentally ill to disappear from your sons life but then reappear 2 months later and expect it to be ok.
The sperm donor left a message saying he wants to talk and see his son. i screwed up and listened to it. He says "I have group meeting now so call me back after 2:00. I really want to talk to you and see my son. I haven't been doing anything bad."
Like I said, I should have hit delete but I screwed up and listened. And now I am torn. His son would want to see him.
At what point are my attempts to control the "future" damage being caused to my son bythis intermittent relationship with his father going to far?!
Do I call him back. ARGH!
My ex is completely irresponsible and SICK. Just plain sick. You have to be mentally ill to disappear from your sons life but then reappear 2 months later and expect it to be ok.
The sperm donor left a message saying he wants to talk and see his son. i screwed up and listened to it. He says "I have group meeting now so call me back after 2:00. I really want to talk to you and see my son. I haven't been doing anything bad."
Like I said, I should have hit delete but I screwed up and listened. And now I am torn. His son would want to see him.
At what point are my attempts to control the "future" damage being caused to my son bythis intermittent relationship with his father going to far?!
Do I call him back. ARGH!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
This is my opinion only (as all of my posts are, just my opinion).
I think you ALREADY have more "power" over this situation than you are aware of. But first: I know you think of him as only a "sperm donor" probably because he ACTS like only a sperm donor, but in truth, he is the child's father and has a legal (and moral, according to probably most parents) right to see his child.
You are his MOTHER. You birthed that boy, have been his sole and primary caretaker for all these years, and you are the legal custodial parent. Therefore, the way I see it according to my understanding of many years of legal AND moral precedent, you have EVERY RIGHT to set the boundaries of such visits.
I don't think it's a matter of what is going too far and what is not. I think it's more a matter of what is healthy versus what is unhealthy, for all involved. You really can't control anything and attempts to control him and this situation may get you more grief in the long run than if you just stay in the present moment and take this one day at a time. For example, if you try to control him and the situation, he may see this as a threat, and if he is unsuccessful, he may then try to get the courts involved. Good lord, what a mess. So, just think about today. If he were to visit today, what would you require of the ex so as to relieve you of the worry that it will cause your son damage?
I think it would help to set appropriate boundaries. I recommend identifying where you need to set individual and independent boundaries for BOTH of you, that is boundaries for yourself, and boundaries for your son. Then, communicate them to the ex in a calm and easily-understood-by-him manner. Because he is an absentee parent, I would go one step further and write it all out in an agreement and have him sign it. Additionally, I would not allow him unsupervised visits.
If you do decide to call him back, I would make sure I have my ducks in a row about visitation before I did. Do exactly what a judge or other reasonable person would do.
And remember, the healthier YOU feel and act about this, the healthier your beautiful little boy will feel and act as a result.
Stop being angry. You can do this no problem.
I think you ALREADY have more "power" over this situation than you are aware of. But first: I know you think of him as only a "sperm donor" probably because he ACTS like only a sperm donor, but in truth, he is the child's father and has a legal (and moral, according to probably most parents) right to see his child.
You are his MOTHER. You birthed that boy, have been his sole and primary caretaker for all these years, and you are the legal custodial parent. Therefore, the way I see it according to my understanding of many years of legal AND moral precedent, you have EVERY RIGHT to set the boundaries of such visits.
At what point are my attempts to control the "future" damage being caused to my son by this intermittent relationship with his father going to far?!
I think it would help to set appropriate boundaries. I recommend identifying where you need to set individual and independent boundaries for BOTH of you, that is boundaries for yourself, and boundaries for your son. Then, communicate them to the ex in a calm and easily-understood-by-him manner. Because he is an absentee parent, I would go one step further and write it all out in an agreement and have him sign it. Additionally, I would not allow him unsupervised visits.
If you do decide to call him back, I would make sure I have my ducks in a row about visitation before I did. Do exactly what a judge or other reasonable person would do.
And remember, the healthier YOU feel and act about this, the healthier your beautiful little boy will feel and act as a result.
Stop being angry. You can do this no problem.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'm not sure what your particular situation is, but if it involves an addict fresh off a relapse, I wouldn't let him in your childs' life, as your son surely doesn't need any disappointment (or danger, for that matter) of being involved with the using or newly clean addict. If your ex wants to see him, let him go to the trouble of going to court and getting supervised visitation. Maybe then he'll take it more seriously. I wouldn't call him back, as you'll either argue, or you'll have yourself up for a codie relapse. You don't need either one. No-one does.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
You can also start off with baby steps. If he is clean you don't have to give him your son for the entire day. You can meet up at a McDonald's, sit down and eat and then depart ways while taking your son back home with you.
He is your child's father... he should be able to see him when he is doing well. If not, well, we all know how that goes. Your son, as he grows older, will form his own opinion about his father.
As long as you are the stable figure in his life.. he will be okay. As long as you remain open with him.. he will be okay.
Good luck... keep us posted on what you decide to do and the outcome.
He is your child's father... he should be able to see him when he is doing well. If not, well, we all know how that goes. Your son, as he grows older, will form his own opinion about his father.
As long as you are the stable figure in his life.. he will be okay. As long as you remain open with him.. he will be okay.
Good luck... keep us posted on what you decide to do and the outcome.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I hate to share this, but 15 years ago I had a nightmare of a situation with my children's father when we split at first. He went to her private school and told them he was picking up my daughter for what was supposed to be a "doctor appointment." He left town, and I didn't know where they were. I was frantic!
It took me three days to track them down, and I was told I couldn't take her back forceably and that he hadn't broken any laws because at that point, we hadn't been to court/filed any motions or orders. I quickly got a lawyer and a court date.
I had to wait two weeks, so I called his parents and told them to pass along that I had some money from our annual tax return. I said I would give him $200 if he brought back my child. He did,
and of course then I kept her under constant watch until I got the custody order. That $200 "ransom" was the best money I ever spent.
I'm not saying that your ex would do something like this, but just to be careful, especially if there is no custody order or court ruling in place for you now.
Love,
KJ
It took me three days to track them down, and I was told I couldn't take her back forceably and that he hadn't broken any laws because at that point, we hadn't been to court/filed any motions or orders. I quickly got a lawyer and a court date.
I had to wait two weeks, so I called his parents and told them to pass along that I had some money from our annual tax return. I said I would give him $200 if he brought back my child. He did,
and of course then I kept her under constant watch until I got the custody order. That $200 "ransom" was the best money I ever spent. I'm not saying that your ex would do something like this, but just to be careful, especially if there is no custody order or court ruling in place for you now.
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
whooooboy that's a tough one. I went through these same issues 25+ years ago with my eaduh (ex alcoholic drug using husband) and no matter what you do, you will look back on it and wonder if you made the right decision. Why? Because there is no absolutely right decision. You do the best that you are able at the time.
I'm now dealing with the same issue with a little different twist. I have the wonderful opportunity to spend every Saturday with my sweet 4 year old grandson (my A son's child--my son and the child's mother are not together but she is WONDERFUL and allows me to continue to be a part of my grandchild's life). My son has the opportunity to see his son every Saturday with me. It allows my daughter-ex-law (they were never married but I still consider her my family member!) to have minimal contact with my A son. But still allows him to spend time with HIS son. Unfortunately, he usually doesn't show up until a hour or two before the child needs to go back to his mother OR he sleeps the whole time he is there). And then he complains that we (his ex-girlfriend and I) treat him like a criminal and won't let him see his son. When the truth is, he doesn't take advantage of the opportunities that are there. And when he does, he really doesn't pay much attention to the child anyway. Sad but true.
Here's my thoughts....the relationship my son has with HIS son is not my responsibility. Any relationship my son has with anyone is not my responsibility. I tried for years to be accountable for my A son's relationships.......that got me nothing but hostility from him (and rightly so).
Right now I am in a no contact situation with my A son. Therefore, whether he likes it or not....he won't be seeing his son at my house. Now some may think that I am using the child as a pawn. Heck no. Couldn't be further from the truth. If my A son is unable to treat me with respect, I have the right to not be around him. If that means that he doesn't get to spend time with his son on Saturday's, that's his problem. That is the result or ramification of his behavior.
My grandson loves his Daddy. But the relationship between the two of them isn't my responsibility.....that's when triangulation occurs. If my son wants to see his son badly enough.......he'll behave like an adult and treat the people who have custody of his son with the respect they deserve.
Whew.....those are my thoughts on the matter. Your situation is different than mine as you are the mother dealing with the father. My heart goes out to you because you are between a rock and a hard place. You know your situation better than anyone else does.....follow your best instinct.
gentle hugs
I'm now dealing with the same issue with a little different twist. I have the wonderful opportunity to spend every Saturday with my sweet 4 year old grandson (my A son's child--my son and the child's mother are not together but she is WONDERFUL and allows me to continue to be a part of my grandchild's life). My son has the opportunity to see his son every Saturday with me. It allows my daughter-ex-law (they were never married but I still consider her my family member!) to have minimal contact with my A son. But still allows him to spend time with HIS son. Unfortunately, he usually doesn't show up until a hour or two before the child needs to go back to his mother OR he sleeps the whole time he is there). And then he complains that we (his ex-girlfriend and I) treat him like a criminal and won't let him see his son. When the truth is, he doesn't take advantage of the opportunities that are there. And when he does, he really doesn't pay much attention to the child anyway. Sad but true.
Here's my thoughts....the relationship my son has with HIS son is not my responsibility. Any relationship my son has with anyone is not my responsibility. I tried for years to be accountable for my A son's relationships.......that got me nothing but hostility from him (and rightly so).
Right now I am in a no contact situation with my A son. Therefore, whether he likes it or not....he won't be seeing his son at my house. Now some may think that I am using the child as a pawn. Heck no. Couldn't be further from the truth. If my A son is unable to treat me with respect, I have the right to not be around him. If that means that he doesn't get to spend time with his son on Saturday's, that's his problem. That is the result or ramification of his behavior.
My grandson loves his Daddy. But the relationship between the two of them isn't my responsibility.....that's when triangulation occurs. If my son wants to see his son badly enough.......he'll behave like an adult and treat the people who have custody of his son with the respect they deserve.
Whew.....those are my thoughts on the matter. Your situation is different than mine as you are the mother dealing with the father. My heart goes out to you because you are between a rock and a hard place. You know your situation better than anyone else does.....follow your best instinct.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I appreciate all the stories. It is helpful to know how others have handled similar situations and what the outcomes were. If anyone has more to share, please do.
I sent a text to my ex this morning saying that I want proof of his home address, a letter from the 'group' he attends (not because I care, but because I will not put up with him lying about it if he is not in a "group") and I want to discuss financial support so he can fulfil his parental obligations. In turn, I would be happy to set up some regularly scheduled time for him to come over and visit with Andrew.
I sent a text to my ex this morning saying that I want proof of his home address, a letter from the 'group' he attends (not because I care, but because I will not put up with him lying about it if he is not in a "group") and I want to discuss financial support so he can fulfil his parental obligations. In turn, I would be happy to set up some regularly scheduled time for him to come over and visit with Andrew.
Last edited by hello-kitty; 10-16-2009 at 10:47 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
But still allows him to spend time with HIS son. Unfortunately, he usually doesn't show up until a hour or two before the child needs to go back to his mother OR he sleeps the whole time he is there). And then he complains that we (his ex-girlfriend and I) treat him like a criminal and won't let him see his son. When the truth is, he doesn't take advantage of the opportunities that are there. And when he does, he really doesn't pay much attention to the child anyway. Sad but true.
After all this, she had the balls to complain to my mom (who supervises the visits) that my brother made it difficult to see her daughter. I went off on her. I told her she needed to get her act together and get in a recovery program and then she could see her daughter on a regular basis.
Well her jaw about hit the floor. I guess no one had ever called her on her behavior before. And then she just got in the car and drove away.
Disgusting.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
HK - I'm sorry you're dealing with this @#it. I've known you long enough to know that you have a level head about you. If YOU think it's a good thing then so be it. If not, then follow your gut. You've a tough chick who has been through alot. Don't let him worm his way back into your lives if he's not worthy.
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