nytepassion

You can't make me clean; I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.

I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes.

I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me.

This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one, Me, the person, is locked away deep down inside my being.

What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction.

Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.

The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free ......
....free to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean?

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery.

BY MYSELF.

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get there if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

MrsMagoo

Thank you Sher. Thank you for all your posts, all your encouragement and for sharing your pain and ultimate wisdom with me over and over again. I'm sorry I'm so bull-headed.

I can say, however, that this is the worst and most final that it's ever been between me and AH. Although you sent this to me almost two years ago, re-reading it now, at this time and in this circumstance, I can almost understand it. The whole idea of letting someone fall was uncomfortable when this began. It still is to a certain extent I have to admit. It's truly a leap of faith to keep my hands off AH and live my life, letting him make his own decisions and live with his own consequences.

I know that one day, this (my journey) is going to make a great SR story!

My struggle to control my own addiction (him) is humbling because I've never been able to "wrap my mind around" choosing a drug over life and loved ones. I find myself in the precarious position of being tempted to choose my drug (him) over family, friends and career. Knowing that he's bad for me. Knowing that he will cost me more than I can earn. Knowing that he keeps me sick. I have to choose life and loved ones. I have to.

lostparent

Thanks have seen this before but needed to see this again right now. God maybe is listening.

Serenity Bound

Sher, As always your posts are a very timely reminder to me, that I have to step back, far back from my AD's fall.

Thank you!
Chris

Mama22Boys

Thank you...I definitely need to read this every day, if not every hour!