Really needing to vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Really needing to vent
Hello everyone,
I just really need to vent as it's been a long hard day for me and he won't listen to a word I have to say. It hurts beyond belief to know that you are supposed to be the most important thing in their lives, and... they over and over prove to you that you mean little compared to some dumb stupid pill. Each time I think about the life we could live together, and try to discuss that with him he tells me not to do it with him.
Sadly, we could have everything we ever wanted with the amount of money we bring in monthly... I could at last have clothes that fit, I could have a home I was proud of, a car to drive where ever I want to but instead... he has his pills. I'm hurt beyond belief that they mean so much more to him than me (which I knew was true but... he has really showed me today). My bank account that was just filled with my check, is nearly drained after paying bills, buying the things we needed in the home and last but most importantly to him...buying him pills.
I'm tired of placing myself 4th in this world, and I'm tired of being stuck at the same place for the last 2 years. I'm tired of going no where in life, and if this continues this way that's exactly where I am going to be 50 years from now. I'm sick of believing that there is a life with an addiction, struggling SO hard to try to comprehend the disease. I'm tired of being called a "drama queen" because it really hurts inside. I'm tired of fighting, and hearing the same excuses and the same promises. I'm tired of defending him to myself, and trying to find the pros and cons. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired.. in general with everything that has to do with his addiction.
I don't know where to turn, because I've done it before... I have left him, I have promised myself there would be no more, but somehow he's managed to gain my trust over and over again and I ended up in the same situation. I'm sick of him leaving me in debt, promises to pay, promises to help next time, promises to move on. He left for 2 months, and we did really good. He would come visit his daughter, and support himself... then, once he thought he had a shot he would borrow small amounts, pay it.. then it got bigger, and bigger, and bigger only to leave me holding the empty bag... and him with his pills.
It must be nice to live their lives... to not care in the least about anyone around them. It must be nice to manipulate people into putty, to make them trust you and have them trust you no matter what you do. It must be nice to have everything they want in life, a place to stay, food in their stomachs, pills up their nose(which is all they care about anyways), and a girlfriend to say "I can walk all over her, borrow money repeatively, and she will still love me".
I'm sick of feeling this way, and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I find myself (who doesn't even know where to stand on the whole God thing) praying for him to please get well... and see the way to a happy life.
I should be enjoying the luxuries of having a boyfriend, being taken out, bought christmas gifts, having our happy family moments but instead I am looking after a very expensive and very big baby who can't do without.. ARG
I just really need to vent as it's been a long hard day for me and he won't listen to a word I have to say. It hurts beyond belief to know that you are supposed to be the most important thing in their lives, and... they over and over prove to you that you mean little compared to some dumb stupid pill. Each time I think about the life we could live together, and try to discuss that with him he tells me not to do it with him.
Sadly, we could have everything we ever wanted with the amount of money we bring in monthly... I could at last have clothes that fit, I could have a home I was proud of, a car to drive where ever I want to but instead... he has his pills. I'm hurt beyond belief that they mean so much more to him than me (which I knew was true but... he has really showed me today). My bank account that was just filled with my check, is nearly drained after paying bills, buying the things we needed in the home and last but most importantly to him...buying him pills.
I'm tired of placing myself 4th in this world, and I'm tired of being stuck at the same place for the last 2 years. I'm tired of going no where in life, and if this continues this way that's exactly where I am going to be 50 years from now. I'm sick of believing that there is a life with an addiction, struggling SO hard to try to comprehend the disease. I'm tired of being called a "drama queen" because it really hurts inside. I'm tired of fighting, and hearing the same excuses and the same promises. I'm tired of defending him to myself, and trying to find the pros and cons. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired.. in general with everything that has to do with his addiction.
I don't know where to turn, because I've done it before... I have left him, I have promised myself there would be no more, but somehow he's managed to gain my trust over and over again and I ended up in the same situation. I'm sick of him leaving me in debt, promises to pay, promises to help next time, promises to move on. He left for 2 months, and we did really good. He would come visit his daughter, and support himself... then, once he thought he had a shot he would borrow small amounts, pay it.. then it got bigger, and bigger, and bigger only to leave me holding the empty bag... and him with his pills.
It must be nice to live their lives... to not care in the least about anyone around them. It must be nice to manipulate people into putty, to make them trust you and have them trust you no matter what you do. It must be nice to have everything they want in life, a place to stay, food in their stomachs, pills up their nose(which is all they care about anyways), and a girlfriend to say "I can walk all over her, borrow money repeatively, and she will still love me".
I'm sick of feeling this way, and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I find myself (who doesn't even know where to stand on the whole God thing) praying for him to please get well... and see the way to a happy life.
I should be enjoying the luxuries of having a boyfriend, being taken out, bought christmas gifts, having our happy family moments but instead I am looking after a very expensive and very big baby who can't do without.. ARG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lost, I hear your pain and am sorry for your situation.
What helped me when I couldn't help myself was meetings and learning to work a 12-step program that saved my life and made it worth living again. If there are any Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA meetings near you, maybe give them a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
None of us woke up and just decided we knew what to do and could do it. I think we each had to reach our "enough" point and have some support close by. We're here to support you whether you decide to stay or leave...only you can make that decision and our job here is to walk with you, not drag you on to the path WE think you should take. You'll find your own path when you're ready, just as each one of us did.
It might be helpful for posters here to remember that.
Hugs
What helped me when I couldn't help myself was meetings and learning to work a 12-step program that saved my life and made it worth living again. If there are any Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA meetings near you, maybe give them a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
None of us woke up and just decided we knew what to do and could do it. I think we each had to reach our "enough" point and have some support close by. We're here to support you whether you decide to stay or leave...only you can make that decision and our job here is to walk with you, not drag you on to the path WE think you should take. You'll find your own path when you're ready, just as each one of us did.
It might be helpful for posters here to remember that.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Thank you everyone.
I know it looks so simple to everyone else just to pick up and go.. but it honestly for me, is not that simple I wish it was. Having 2 kids at the age of 20, is not easy.. having 2 kids, no friends, no family, and no supports other than his family, is not easy either.
I know it looks so simple to everyone else just to pick up and go.. but it honestly for me, is not that simple I wish it was. Having 2 kids at the age of 20, is not easy.. having 2 kids, no friends, no family, and no supports other than his family, is not easy either.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This is where live meetings may help you. You will have live support right there where you live. I was frozen in fear until I found support at my meeting and here at SR.
Just know that help is out there, and here too.
Hugs
Just know that help is out there, and here too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I wasn't meaning that leaving is your only choice and sorry if my post confused you or anyone else.
Leaving certainly isn't easy. As a person who has left, I can certainly attest to that. However it can be done. And you will survive. Sometimes I think the fear of leaving is worse than the actually leaving. Once you make your mind up, it's pretty dang easy to go. At least it was for me. I was done putting up with the crap. The pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.
But that's besides the point. You can choose to leave. Or choose to stay. My point was he is not going to change into the man you want him to be. As long as you have expectations for his behavior, you will be continually disappointed.
Since at this point, you are choosing to stay because leaving is so hard, it may be helpful to focus on what you can control - your behavior, your actions, your attitude.
When I was still entwined with my ex, and not ready to "leave him" it was helpful for me to focus on the things I could do to make my life better, instead of on his behavior. I made plans to take care of myself. To stop expecting him to be there. I came up with ways to protect my child from his fathers instability. That moved me towards setting boundaries... and so on and so forth.
By the way, what did you do when you left before - with no family, no friends and no support?
Leaving certainly isn't easy. As a person who has left, I can certainly attest to that. However it can be done. And you will survive. Sometimes I think the fear of leaving is worse than the actually leaving. Once you make your mind up, it's pretty dang easy to go. At least it was for me. I was done putting up with the crap. The pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.
But that's besides the point. You can choose to leave. Or choose to stay. My point was he is not going to change into the man you want him to be. As long as you have expectations for his behavior, you will be continually disappointed.
Since at this point, you are choosing to stay because leaving is so hard, it may be helpful to focus on what you can control - your behavior, your actions, your attitude.
When I was still entwined with my ex, and not ready to "leave him" it was helpful for me to focus on the things I could do to make my life better, instead of on his behavior. I made plans to take care of myself. To stop expecting him to be there. I came up with ways to protect my child from his fathers instability. That moved me towards setting boundaries... and so on and so forth.
By the way, what did you do when you left before - with no family, no friends and no support?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Kitty,
It was hard.. I couldn't do groceries without doing 30$ at a time, as I had to carry it home in a stroller ( I don't drive), had to spend $15 a load of laundry (my coin operated washing machine/dryer sucks!) I walked 30 minutes to and from doctor's appointments, I managed on my own.. yes, very hard, but.. I did do financially much better but, meanwhile was still not healthy as I started seeing things, scary things as my mind was playing tricks on me.. eventually paid it's toll on my son because I would have him sleeping in my bed as a security thing... my kids were my security blankets.
I managed quite well on my own, I was able to do what I wanted to do, party, have fun, live life...etc, but still wanted him there.
It was hard.. I couldn't do groceries without doing 30$ at a time, as I had to carry it home in a stroller ( I don't drive), had to spend $15 a load of laundry (my coin operated washing machine/dryer sucks!) I walked 30 minutes to and from doctor's appointments, I managed on my own.. yes, very hard, but.. I did do financially much better but, meanwhile was still not healthy as I started seeing things, scary things as my mind was playing tricks on me.. eventually paid it's toll on my son because I would have him sleeping in my bed as a security thing... my kids were my security blankets.
I managed quite well on my own, I was able to do what I wanted to do, party, have fun, live life...etc, but still wanted him there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld 
Thank you everyone.
I know it looks so simple to everyone else just to pick up and go.. but it honestly for me, is not that simple I wish it was. Having 2 kids at the age of 20, is not easy.. having 2 kids, no friends, no family, and no supports other than his family, is not easy either.
I know it looks so simple to everyone else just to pick up and go.. but it honestly for me, is not that simple I wish it was. Having 2 kids at the age of 20, is not easy.. having 2 kids, no friends, no family, and no supports other than his family, is not easy either.
I started life all over after rehab in a little town 2 hours away from where I was living. I left the abusive EXAH behind, and was a single mom to an 8 year old (I had her at 19). I was terrified.
I actually didn't have a vehicle for some time as my folks had gotten my car back before the EXAH could ruin it, and they refused to give it to me till I had somewhat of a track record for steady employment, and staying clean/sober. It was a long walk to work every day.
I've been through a lot over the past couple of decades, and without my support groups to help me get healthy physically/emotionally/spiritually, I have no doubt I wouldn't have made it.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lost))
Please know that this is said with care, compassion and understanding from someone who has been in a similiar situation -
If you want something different, you have to be willing to do something different.
Maybe not this instant - maybe not within the next hour, day or week.
BUT if you don't open your heart, mind and spirit to the possibility of looking at what you can change in your situation - sweetie - it may never change.
AND if it never changes - we lose HOPE.
and without HOPE -
why are we here?
It was very hard for me to open my mind up to walking away
It took a long time to finally make that move
It didn't happen right away
But I open my mind up to a program of recovery for ME
to the words of gentle suggestions of my recovery friends
to the guidance of my HP
to the HOPE of a better way of life for me.
In doing this some find that they can stay exactly where they are and be
HAPPY, JOYOUS and FREE
For me - I had to walk away
You may find that you can stay exactly where you are and be content
All recovery ask of you is to be Honest, Open and Willing to look at life on life's terms with the possibility of trying something different - after all what we have done so far doesn't seem to be working so well for us - right?
I only share this with you because someone shared this with me when I thought there was no way out - every suggestion given to me - I had a negative response, a no way that will work for me when I first started my journey.
Ah - But here I am - 6 plus yrs in a program of recovery for me - not recovery from drugs/alcohol but recovery from a life driven by FEAR, GLOOM and DESPAIR.
I truly am Happy, Joyous and Free.
Life is still life - there are constant bumps in the road - but I know today that no matter what me and My God are going to be ok - even better than OK - IN fact - we are OK!
Just give it a try - after all - what have you got to lose?
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita
Please know that this is said with care, compassion and understanding from someone who has been in a similiar situation -
If you want something different, you have to be willing to do something different.
Maybe not this instant - maybe not within the next hour, day or week.
BUT if you don't open your heart, mind and spirit to the possibility of looking at what you can change in your situation - sweetie - it may never change.
AND if it never changes - we lose HOPE.
and without HOPE -
why are we here?
It was very hard for me to open my mind up to walking away
It took a long time to finally make that move
It didn't happen right away
But I open my mind up to a program of recovery for ME
to the words of gentle suggestions of my recovery friends
to the guidance of my HP
to the HOPE of a better way of life for me.
In doing this some find that they can stay exactly where they are and be
HAPPY, JOYOUS and FREE
For me - I had to walk away
You may find that you can stay exactly where you are and be content
All recovery ask of you is to be Honest, Open and Willing to look at life on life's terms with the possibility of trying something different - after all what we have done so far doesn't seem to be working so well for us - right?
I only share this with you because someone shared this with me when I thought there was no way out - every suggestion given to me - I had a negative response, a no way that will work for me when I first started my journey.
Ah - But here I am - 6 plus yrs in a program of recovery for me - not recovery from drugs/alcohol but recovery from a life driven by FEAR, GLOOM and DESPAIR.
I truly am Happy, Joyous and Free.
Life is still life - there are constant bumps in the road - but I know today that no matter what me and My God are going to be ok - even better than OK - IN fact - we are OK!
Just give it a try - after all - what have you got to lose?
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
As I look around I see sucess stories, failure stories, horror stories...etc, and I look at it and think he is a complete lost cause. He has been an addict for 6 years, since before I met him and somehow he finds a way to blame me for it. It makes no sense for him to blame me for this, how is it my fault that before I met him he was an addict??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
As I look around I see sucess stories, failure stories, horror stories...etc, and I look at it and think he is a complete lost cause. He has been an addict for 6 years, since before I met him and somehow he finds a way to blame me for it. It makes no sense for him to blame me for this, how is it my fault that before I met him he was an addict??
Of course he blames you. That's typical addict behavior! That certainly doesn't mean you have to take that personally. He's doing what addicts do.
Whether he's a lost cause or not, none of us can say.
What we can do is support you along your journey in life, whatever path you choose.
:ghug2 :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Prepare now for a better tomorrow. Make goals and stick to them. If you need to start small like get a drivers license and get a used car and learn to drive. Take some classes many are now online.
Seperate your checking account from his. You don't have to stay like this. Pain eventually will change things. It changes addict behavior and it changes the family that lives with the addict. At some point so much pain is too much pain. You can do this
Seperate your checking account from his. You don't have to stay like this. Pain eventually will change things. It changes addict behavior and it changes the family that lives with the addict. At some point so much pain is too much pain. You can do this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
I already made one step towards that, which is obtaining my learner's permit which will make leaving much more convinient, I did this June 1 2009 so, I will get my official liscence by July 1 2010 if I can learn how to drive... I can't teach myself so I have to settle for the odd driving around with my mother which really sucks because she is really nervous and yells at me if I go over the yellow line while turning a turn with no cars.... :s gah.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
