katie53

its been along time, but I need to vent! ad out of jail almost 1 year, claimed to be clean, working, paying her rent etc. etc. Past weekend landed in jail. called her 15 yr old daughter and told her it was because she was drinking and the driver was pulled over. Due to her being on probation she was put in jail. "don,t tell gramma as I want to tell her myself" I have legal guardianship of gd for the last 4 years. WHY! wouldn,t she call ME and tell ME? why put this burden on a child who has already gone through so much? Now I found out it was not about a few beers, there was coke in the car! She acts as if she is a best friend to her daughter rather than her mom. It upsets me that she tells her to keep things from her gramma. I feel undermined by my own daughter when she knows I have taken ALL responsibility for both of her girls. One for 4 yrs and the other for 21/2 yrs.

Learn2Live

Quote:

Originally Posted by katie53

its been along time, but I need to vent! ad out of jail almost 1 year, claimed to be clean, working, paying her rent etc. etc. Past weekend landed in jail. called her 15 yr old daughter and told her it was because she was drinking and the driver was pulled over. Due to her being on probation she was put in jail. "don,t tell gramma as I want to tell her myself" I have legal guardianship of gd for the last 4 years. WHY! wouldn,t she call ME and tell ME? why put this burden on a child who has already gone through so much? Now I found out it was not about a few beers, there was coke in the car! She acts as if she is a best friend to her daughter rather than her mom. It upsets me that she tells her to keep things from her gramma. I feel undermined by my own daughter when she knows I have taken ALL responsibility for both of her girls. One for 4 yrs and the other for 21/2 yrs.

Many of the moms who have addiction issues are just the same in their relationships with their children as your daughter is. They act as friends and can't act as parents. She does not think the way non-addicted people think and she can't.

I know you just wanted to vent so I hope you feel a little better by having done so. If you have full custody and legal guardianship of your granddaughter, perhaps it would be helpful and healthful for all involved for you to set some legal boundaries concerning your daughter's interaction with the children. Your daugther obviously cannot be left to her own discretion as to what it is appropriate to reveal to and discuss with her children.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I hope you feel better soon.

sojourner

katie53:

You'll settle down in time on this one. Please consider this: If your daughter is using then her contact with her children should be eliminated unless you can supervise it for the very reason that you have given above. Your daughter in active, untreated addiction is not able to think of the best thing for your grand-daughter, and you have seen a touch of it in this instance. I think it is a common thing for addicts to be looking forward to the time when their children are old enough so that they can get high and "party" with them. Again, they make their relationship with their children more like a peer relationship, and that is why I am asking you to consider how you can protect your grandchildren from that kind of abuse....

Hang in there. I'm sure others will be coming along with some ESH for you too.

outtolunch

It's rather common for parents to be friends, instead of parents.

I do not think addicts own this one.

Learn2Live

Quote:

Originally Posted by outtolunch

It's rather common for parents to be friends, instead of parents.

I do not think addicts own this one.

I have to agree with the OP on this one. Just because it is common for parents to be friends with their children does not mean it is healthy. I have personally witnessed VERY unhealthy "friendships" that addicts form with their children.

They buy their teens alcohol and drugs; host drug parties for their teens and their friends; have sex with their children's friends; purchase their 12-year old daughters underwear sets fit for Playboy, show their children their genitals and lord knows what else, and many other unheealthy "parenting" techniques. The child becomes the parent. These "friendship" behaviors are typical of families with alcoholism and addiction. I have known several children who had to call 9-1-1 because their parent was drunk and driving.

For anyone interested in reading a biographical account that is the epitome of parent-child "friendships" and its effects on children, please read the story of Vivienne Loomis and her mother: VIVIENNE The Life and Suicide of an Adolescent Girl. By John E. Mack and Holly Hickler. 237 ppp. Boston: Little, Brown & Co.

katie53

i'm going to the library right after work. I definitely want to read that book. Thank you. And to the others who helped me get calmed down over this. I just talked to the officer and the person she was clogs the justice system as he put it!

outtolunch

Being a friend to your child sidesteps the conflict, responsibility and pain of parenting. Many parents have a need to be liked. They identify more with the child than their role as parent. They strive to be "the cool parent". They rationalize what they do, or rather, don't do, with their
"special" bond.

Some of these parents are addicts/alcoholics and some of them are not.

sojourner

yes, i agree that some parents who are not addicts themselves, and never have been, struggle with the idea of being a friend to their child. But what muddies the water with addiction is the immorality involved. The deeper the addiction, the more the immorality. I think many sober spouses are in denial about that. In deep addiction, the child is just another "source" for whatever it is the addicted mind desires.

Ann

I'm not sure whether you got this information through your granddaughter or someone else, but perhaps it might be a good time to have a talk with your granddaughter and let her know it's okay to pass on information like this, even when her mother asked her not to.

It must be hard for that child to feel "in the middle" of something she is asked not to speak of.

My prayers go out for all of you, and bless you for caring for that child.

Hugs

cece1960

I know the horrors that can occur with addiction, but I think this paints all addicts with the same very broad brush. And that, IMO, is not fair.

katie53

Just finished the day and came in to read some more. Thanks to all. Outtolunch, you painted the exact picture of her! AD has even told me her and gd have a special bond And yes i agree she does not have to do any of the parenting. She get to be the "fun one" and I have to be the "other one" I don't get to be that fun gramma The kind I had as a child. If I had to do it over, my choice would be the same. I would go for guardianship again. Thanks again to all for your time and kind words.

sojourner

cece: true, and i realize that not all situations are going to be dire.

But all situations do need to be watched closely especially that addiction is a disease that fragments.

katie53

I just talked to gd and and told her i felt it was wrong of mom to have her keep it from me. i also found out that gd knew since Sat. I had asked gd on Mon.if she heard from mom as I was not able to get ahold of her. She answered no. Then I find the truth from gd today when I told her I heard mom was in jail, she then admited she knew as she talked to mom from jail and know all wkd. But she had promised mom she would not say anything as mom wanted to tell me herself. I feel mom was wrong.

sojourner

Katie!!

Her biological mother is not just wrong!! She is teaching your grand-daughter to lie to you, her real mother! That's immoral. What acquaintence (sp?) of your grand-daughter would you allow to hang around knowing they were teaching her to lie to you or hold back information?

IMO, this is your opportunity to take a stand and call a spade a spade for your grand-daughter's sake and for your daughter's sake. You have been given the responsibility of guardian over your grand-daughter to protect her from people (even blood relatives) who would lead her astray, cause her confusion, cause her to be in unhealthy bonds with others (again, even blood relatives) that can set the stage for a lifetime of co-dependency.

Just my opinion, albeit strong.

Learn2Live

With all due respsect, IMO, this child should not be in the middle of this. In any way shape or form.

I don't understand why we are backtracking on this issue.

What happened to NO CONTACT? Why do we go no contact from our BFs and Husbands in the first place? It is a boundary we set to protect ourselves from the sickness that surrounds addicted and alcoholic persons. The mother snorts or smokes or shoots cocaine in some form or another. Why is it stressed on SR so much to leave your HUSBAND, go no contact, to protect YOUR feelings but when it comes to a 12-year old child, you advocate to granma here that this is unfair to the cokehead and to allow the addict open access to her?

This is a complete contradiction.

I'm no parent but I have very strong maternal instincts so I apologize if I am coming across a little strong here. NUMBER ONE: Protect The Child. Already her mother has her LYING to her guardian who has been given the legal responsibility to protect this child from ALL threat of harm, real or imagined by any reasonable person.

sojourner

Learn2Live: I completely agree with you. Let's protect this little girl from active, untreated addiction. Yes, it's why we go no contact - to protect ourselves, those around us, and even the addict.

cece1960

I see nothing that advocates this. And I see no backtracking.
Please remember that we come here for support, not to get yelled at, or lectured.

Serenity Bound

Katie, Continue to be the wonderful role model you are for your granddaughters. You can't change their mother, but you can and do instill love, support and stability for those girls.

And when you need to vent.....go right ahead.....sometimes just getting our feelings out in the open takes the sting out of them.

Hugs from one gramma to another.
Chris

Learn2Live

Sorry my post looks like I was yelling. I didn't intend it to look like I was yelling. The SR text on my daytime computer is teeny-tiny so I have to make the text big to even read it on my screen. Didn't mean to lecture either so sorry I came across that way; I just don't understand why peeps are saying it's unfair to the addict in a situation involving a child, but not when you are in a romantic relationship with the addict. Thank you for the direction CeCe.

greeteachday

Personally, I don't advocate any rule that applies in all situations. Actually, I don't think there are rules in recovery - just expereinces that have worked for others and may work for me. I do not believe in all situations having a partner who is addicted means no contact; I do not believe that in all situations the "solution" for living with addiction is to walk away. It has been my experience that there is no hard and fast rule to recovery and that the way I found what was best for me was to hear others share their experiences and to pick a recovery program that focused on me and how I could change me rather than fix everyone else.

I am forever grateful to all those who shared their stories...the sad and the joyful. I never was one who wanted advice on what to do...and sometimes unsolictied advice has caused me to do the opposite even when I didn't feel that was the right way, lol. But hearing about others experiences is what helped me walk through thedarkness of loving addicts and find the other side without having to apply any formulas...just do what works for me at the moment and take it one day at a time.

Katie, I'm sorry you are going throguh this and I know that your grand daughter will understand why you were concerned that she held this secret and that you will know what the next wise thing for you to do is. Hugs