Loss of a son
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Loss of a son
I know that this loss is so familiar to many of you. Losing someone you love. I did something terrible tonight. Something I fear I will regret. Something I did and said out of anger and frustration......but mostly for self preservation.
I told my son tonight that I never wanted to hear from him again. I told him that I no longer had a son. He is 28 years old and has been an alcohlic/addict for 12 years. I set him free. I set myself free.
When someone brings only pain, abuse, and sorrow.....are they really still a vital part of your life? When you feel that each contact with them literally sucks the life out of you......is it wise to continue to participate in any way?
We've done rehab (three times). I've seen the positive effects of recovery. I've watched the tragedy of relapse.
I've employed detachment and worked my own recovery (codependence).
It's difficult to suffer through any conversation with him....as he spews his negativity. He is so convinced that everyone on this earth is ignorant, evil and forcing him to a life of crime. I can't listen to the disease anymore. I can't change him. I can't make him "see the light".
I finally had to make it stop.
His girlfriend is an addict (oxycotin & meth). They live in a world that I don't understand. He claims that he stays with her because he's trying to "help her". I think it's just an excuse for him to use too.
I have blocked his number on my home phone and cell phone. I've finally given up the fight.
God...this hurts.
I told my son tonight that I never wanted to hear from him again. I told him that I no longer had a son. He is 28 years old and has been an alcohlic/addict for 12 years. I set him free. I set myself free.
When someone brings only pain, abuse, and sorrow.....are they really still a vital part of your life? When you feel that each contact with them literally sucks the life out of you......is it wise to continue to participate in any way?
We've done rehab (three times). I've seen the positive effects of recovery. I've watched the tragedy of relapse.
I've employed detachment and worked my own recovery (codependence).
It's difficult to suffer through any conversation with him....as he spews his negativity. He is so convinced that everyone on this earth is ignorant, evil and forcing him to a life of crime. I can't listen to the disease anymore. I can't change him. I can't make him "see the light".
I finally had to make it stop.
His girlfriend is an addict (oxycotin & meth). They live in a world that I don't understand. He claims that he stays with her because he's trying to "help her". I think it's just an excuse for him to use too.
I have blocked his number on my home phone and cell phone. I've finally given up the fight.
God...this hurts.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Kindeyes))
When I relapsed, my dad told me he hated me. He had every right to say that, although I knew it was not true. My relapse was short (less than 2 weeks) but I did a fair amount of damage during that time. More than 2-1/2 years later, I'm still trying to get back on my feet from not only the relapse, but the few years of using.
However, I've worked my recovery and my dad and I get along pretty good. I know, though, that should I relapse, he wants no part of it. I will not be allowed anywhere near this house unless I am through with the dope, anything that belongs to me will be thrown away, etc.
You have to do what you have to do to maintain your serenity. I think, quite honestly, many parents and addicts have said things they thought they would never say, fear they will regret, or don't deep, deep down truly mean but they feel like they do (if that makes sense).
If it makes you feel any better, if my dad had told me the same thing you told your son, while I was using, and I was in a negative place as you say he is, I would have either said "yep, she's right" and kept on using, if that was my intention in the first place; or I'd say "I'll show her" and get my stuff together, then come back to you with some solid recovery under my belt and start taking baby steps to regain a relationship with you.
Don't beat yourself up over this, sweetie. He needs to hit bottom...you don't need to go along for the ride.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I relapsed, my dad told me he hated me. He had every right to say that, although I knew it was not true. My relapse was short (less than 2 weeks) but I did a fair amount of damage during that time. More than 2-1/2 years later, I'm still trying to get back on my feet from not only the relapse, but the few years of using.
However, I've worked my recovery and my dad and I get along pretty good. I know, though, that should I relapse, he wants no part of it. I will not be allowed anywhere near this house unless I am through with the dope, anything that belongs to me will be thrown away, etc.
You have to do what you have to do to maintain your serenity. I think, quite honestly, many parents and addicts have said things they thought they would never say, fear they will regret, or don't deep, deep down truly mean but they feel like they do (if that makes sense).
If it makes you feel any better, if my dad had told me the same thing you told your son, while I was using, and I was in a negative place as you say he is, I would have either said "yep, she's right" and kept on using, if that was my intention in the first place; or I'd say "I'll show her" and get my stuff together, then come back to you with some solid recovery under my belt and start taking baby steps to regain a relationship with you.
Don't beat yourself up over this, sweetie. He needs to hit bottom...you don't need to go along for the ride.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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I know the pain of finally letting go before we get drawn deeper into their darkness. Going down with them does not bring them back and sometimes we just have to save ourselves.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers.
Hugs
Keeping you and your son in my prayers.
Hugs
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
You can cut off all the contact you want, that's fine, but don't lose hope in him either because whether he knows you still have hope for him or not it can always be helpful to you. Totally giving up on any thought of him turning everything around will put you deeper in despair, in my own opinion. There is a catch though, don't set any expectations, just hope things will turn around. Hope in moderation 
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
He is 28 years old and has been an alcohlic/addict for 12 years. I set him free. I set myself free.
......
It's difficult to suffer through any conversation with him....as he spews his negativity. He is so convinced that everyone on this earth is ignorant, evil and forcing him to a life of crime. I can't listen to the disease anymore. I can't change him. I can't make him "see the light".
.......
His girlfriend is an addict (oxycotin & meth). They live in a world that I don't understand. He claims that he stays with her because he's trying to "help her". I think it's just an excuse for him to use too.
God...this hurts.
......
It's difficult to suffer through any conversation with him....as he spews his negativity. He is so convinced that everyone on this earth is ignorant, evil and forcing him to a life of crime. I can't listen to the disease anymore. I can't change him. I can't make him "see the light".
.......
His girlfriend is an addict (oxycotin & meth). They live in a world that I don't understand. He claims that he stays with her because he's trying to "help her". I think it's just an excuse for him to use too.
God...this hurts.
I know that it hurts, but you have done the right thing. I will pray that someday your son does hit his own bottom with his addiction and turns his life around. I will also pray for peaceful and serene days ahead for you.
Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello kindeyes:
Welcome to this part of the journey. Please don't fret over the actual way you did it. Believe me, and i'm sure others can attest to this, he has not gone away. He will test your resolve on this, and those times will be opportunities for you to respond in the more loving, kind way that you wish you could have this first time. Your son will give you the opportunity to practice this until you get it right!!
But please do be prepared for him to contact you and act like you two never had this interchange - it's part of addict logic. Just be prepared to be the broken record.
Have you read "The Lost Years?" It's a book written by both daughter (addict) and mom (co-dependent). Mom got to the point of saying to daughter when she called, "Are you calling because you are ready to complete treatment?" The daughter would get livid and hang up. But that was the only conversation that mom had with her daughter for years. That's great mentoring for me.
Hang in there, we're all praying for you and your son.
Welcome to this part of the journey. Please don't fret over the actual way you did it. Believe me, and i'm sure others can attest to this, he has not gone away. He will test your resolve on this, and those times will be opportunities for you to respond in the more loving, kind way that you wish you could have this first time. Your son will give you the opportunity to practice this until you get it right!!
But please do be prepared for him to contact you and act like you two never had this interchange - it's part of addict logic. Just be prepared to be the broken record.
Have you read "The Lost Years?" It's a book written by both daughter (addict) and mom (co-dependent). Mom got to the point of saying to daughter when she called, "Are you calling because you are ready to complete treatment?" The daughter would get livid and hang up. But that was the only conversation that mom had with her daughter for years. That's great mentoring for me.
Hang in there, we're all praying for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Kindeyes,
I too know the pain, heartache, anger and regret you are feeling with what you felt you had to say and do.
My son just turned 29, he is a pain-pill addict. He is currently living in a sober house (3 months) and feels he is working a recovery program. I am trying to work on my own recovery by attending NarAnon and AlAnon, but missed both meetings last week and am suffering hopelessness because of it!
A big hug to you and to let you know you are not alone on this path. There have been so many times when I've said "final" good-byes to my son and felt elation for myself, freedom from being drawn down into his destruction, but unfortunately have gotten sucked back in again. Maybe it's longer away each time and less damage to me as I work my own recovery for codependency.
I too know the pain, heartache, anger and regret you are feeling with what you felt you had to say and do.
My son just turned 29, he is a pain-pill addict. He is currently living in a sober house (3 months) and feels he is working a recovery program. I am trying to work on my own recovery by attending NarAnon and AlAnon, but missed both meetings last week and am suffering hopelessness because of it!
A big hug to you and to let you know you are not alone on this path. There have been so many times when I've said "final" good-byes to my son and felt elation for myself, freedom from being drawn down into his destruction, but unfortunately have gotten sucked back in again. Maybe it's longer away each time and less damage to me as I work my own recovery for codependency.
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Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses. Your words brought me much comfort this morning.
In my heart I know that I have done everything I can. When he was in rehab, they told us that he was being taught and given all of the tools for recovery. He would know HOW to do it but it was up to him to use those tools.
I can't even bear to look at him. My beautiful son. His face is hollow. His eyes are hollow. His heart is hollow. His spirit is not there.....I don't know this person.
Thank you again. Your words felt like gentle hugs to me this morning and I truly appreciate each of you.
In my heart I know that I have done everything I can. When he was in rehab, they told us that he was being taught and given all of the tools for recovery. He would know HOW to do it but it was up to him to use those tools.
I can't even bear to look at him. My beautiful son. His face is hollow. His eyes are hollow. His heart is hollow. His spirit is not there.....I don't know this person.
Thank you again. Your words felt like gentle hugs to me this morning and I truly appreciate each of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Kind eyes))),
So good to hear from you, so sad it's for this reason. I know that haunted, gaunt look, that shell of a son look. That "who is this person?" he's not the son I raised person who let's drugs and other druggies rule his life. My 25 year old son lived that life for about 7 years, giving sobriety and the drug-free life a shot within the past 6 months.
Please know you've come back to the right place, Kindeyes. Don't let this pull you under anymore. You know the 3 C's, and you know that curling up all alone only keeps you down in despair. Stay here for a while and share, babe. We care, you know we do. Peace and love and prayers for you.
So good to hear from you, so sad it's for this reason. I know that haunted, gaunt look, that shell of a son look. That "who is this person?" he's not the son I raised person who let's drugs and other druggies rule his life. My 25 year old son lived that life for about 7 years, giving sobriety and the drug-free life a shot within the past 6 months.
Please know you've come back to the right place, Kindeyes. Don't let this pull you under anymore. You know the 3 C's, and you know that curling up all alone only keeps you down in despair. Stay here for a while and share, babe. We care, you know we do. Peace and love and prayers for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
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Kindeyes,
I am sorry for your pain. You finally hit your bottom. You did what you had to do because you are right you can't stop him and as painful as it is we can not keep allowing our addicts to ruin our lives too. If you talk to him again tell him you love him but until he ic clean you will have nothing to do with him. That's all you can do. Take care.
I am sorry for your pain. You finally hit your bottom. You did what you had to do because you are right you can't stop him and as painful as it is we can not keep allowing our addicts to ruin our lives too. If you talk to him again tell him you love him but until he ic clean you will have nothing to do with him. That's all you can do. Take care.
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(((((Kindeyes)))))
Sometimes it is necessary to detach in anger before being able to detach with love. I've felt that point of total despair and not knowing who that person is that once was my child. I had to get away from having the drama and the pain in front of me all the time in order to work on my own healing. With the healing came an ability to find compassion - it doesn't mean that I had to let go of boundaries -but I didn't feel all the venom and the poison that just seemed to fill my system when I was at my bottom.
He has the tools and can choose a different path. I do agree with those who said there is always hope...Loving him from a distance and hoping that he will find his way is the healthiest course for both of you.
I have always loved the thought "I love you so much I will let you find your own way and I believe that you can."
Many hugs...I understand your pain.
Sometimes it is necessary to detach in anger before being able to detach with love. I've felt that point of total despair and not knowing who that person is that once was my child. I had to get away from having the drama and the pain in front of me all the time in order to work on my own healing. With the healing came an ability to find compassion - it doesn't mean that I had to let go of boundaries -but I didn't feel all the venom and the poison that just seemed to fill my system when I was at my bottom.
He has the tools and can choose a different path. I do agree with those who said there is always hope...Loving him from a distance and hoping that he will find his way is the healthiest course for both of you.
I have always loved the thought "I love you so much I will let you find your own way and I believe that you can."
Many hugs...I understand your pain.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 18
((Kindeyes)) I'm going through something similar with my husband right now. It is very hard, but you will NEVER regret taking care of yourself. Even if you never talked to him again, you might be sad about that or for him, but regret keeping your sanity? No way!
I miss my husband like crazy, but he is not a person I know right now. I'll always have love for him no matter what, but it is up to me to not allow myself to be dragged down because of an emotion like love.
I hope your days get brighter. ((Hugs))
I miss my husband like crazy, but he is not a person I know right now. I'll always have love for him no matter what, but it is up to me to not allow myself to be dragged down because of an emotion like love.
I hope your days get brighter. ((Hugs))
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Peaceteach ((((gentle hugs to you my friend))) Thank you for the welcome back. I moved from the friends of alcoholics to the friends of substance abusers since it is evident that he has progressed to oxycotin & meth washed down with a shot or two of alcohol.
I need to spend more time here among the sane (and those who are trying to get there or stay there;-)
He sent me a text message today. I took the opportunity to tell him that I love him.
AS - Did you really mean what you said
Me - I love you. I will always love you. But I cannot and will not tolerate the way you treat me. If that means no contact....so be it.
AS - OK bye then.
That's it. That was the whole exchange. My first feeling was panic. He's going to try to kill himself (or threaten to do it again). I thought about calling the police to do a "well check" but thought. NO.....stop. You just need to let go and let GOD!
Yes yes.....one day at a time.
Hugs to you all. May we all travel this road in peace.
I need to spend more time here among the sane (and those who are trying to get there or stay there;-)
He sent me a text message today. I took the opportunity to tell him that I love him.
AS - Did you really mean what you said
Me - I love you. I will always love you. But I cannot and will not tolerate the way you treat me. If that means no contact....so be it.
AS - OK bye then.
That's it. That was the whole exchange. My first feeling was panic. He's going to try to kill himself (or threaten to do it again). I thought about calling the police to do a "well check" but thought. NO.....stop. You just need to let go and let GOD!
Yes yes.....one day at a time.
Hugs to you all. May we all travel this road in peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Kindeyes))) - I know this is hard, but I really think you are doing the right thing. We A's are resourceful, manipulative and stubborn as hell - we will usually do what we think we need to, to get what we want.
Most of us seek recovery when we get tired of facing the consequences of our actions over and over and over. That doesn't usually happen until those who love us step back and essentially say "I love you, but I'm not going down with you".
Having been on both sides of addiction, I honestly think this stepping back is the hardest, but it is soooooo important.
Sending you extra big hugs, lots of prayers!!
Amy
Most of us seek recovery when we get tired of facing the consequences of our actions over and over and over. That doesn't usually happen until those who love us step back and essentially say "I love you, but I'm not going down with you".
Having been on both sides of addiction, I honestly think this stepping back is the hardest, but it is soooooo important.
Sending you extra big hugs, lots of prayers!!
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Sojourner is so right in her advice! They'll call up two days later after a huge fight and act like nothing has happeaned.
I give you a lot of credit in saying what you did and the actions you've taken. I've told my son not to call me unless he had good news and then 2 days later, he'll call me to say he has no food.
At least know I reply "what about the soup kitchens you've eaten in before" rather than send him money.
It's so painful. But only they can decide when to change.
Prayers and wishes for you and your family.
I give you a lot of credit in saying what you did and the actions you've taken. I've told my son not to call me unless he had good news and then 2 days later, he'll call me to say he has no food.
At least know I reply "what about the soup kitchens you've eaten in before" rather than send him money.
It's so painful. But only they can decide when to change.
Prayers and wishes for you and your family.
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Kindeyes,
I'm so sorry to hear about your son...and your struggle...but I'm so glad you posted to share your story.
Your son knows you love him. And deep down, he knows your doing this out of love...for yourself and for him.
I admire your strength and I'm glad you're here with us for some support, encouragement and hugs when you need them.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son...and your struggle...but I'm so glad you posted to share your story.
Your son knows you love him. And deep down, he knows your doing this out of love...for yourself and for him.
I admire your strength and I'm glad you're here with us for some support, encouragement and hugs when you need them.
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