jerald

I don't know what to say, so I'm just going to write what comes to mind. I'll write to her I guess. My gf is a drug addict and she's been living with me for 10 months. .........Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for you to come home. Waiting for you to call. Just waiting...and crying...and not understanding. Not understanding a lot of things. Mainly why my luck is so bad. Why I fall in love with people that make my simple life so....hard. That's all I want is a simple life. Yet I always go for women that I feel need some kind of help and at the end I am always the one who ends up needing the help. I've already got my head split open, no big deal, but now there is talk of killing me. And the funny thing is, I did nothing to cause either one, except maybe my head getting split because I was giving them hell trying to protect you. The joke was on me though, you were already in jail instead of waiting at home and giving me time to handle it, time to try and take care of you. The joke has been on me all along though, hasn't it? I know that somewhere in there you care for me somehow. But I know that you don't love me. Honestly, from what you've told me of your past I don't think you have ever loved anyone. Maybe loved in your own way but never truly loved. I guess it is impossible to love another when you hate yourself and have absolutly no respect for yourself or your body. I am a ******* fool!!! I am a ******* fool because I still love you with all my heart. I cannot believe that I thought that my love for you, or just myself in general, was worth more than your love for drugs and alchool. I can't believe I thought I was worth anything to you or anybody else. I had forgotten that for a while, thanks for the wake up call....yet again.

BohemiMamaof3

Hi and welcome Jerald. I think we can all relate to your story in one way or another. The addict in my life is my younger brother. I think you will find this place helpful if you stick around.

peaceteach

Hi Jerald. I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but sometimes pain is our best teacher. I recommend buying the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It really opened my eyes to why I let my simple life become so chaotic, why I tended to be attracted to people who were not good for me. Welcome to SR. Stick around, man.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

jerald

I got a pm that made me feel the need to explain things a little further. When I met her she was recovering from a heroin addiction, drank every day to the point where she was basically ********, and smoked crack whenever she could get it. I was strickly friends with her for about 4 months. The first time we met she asked for my help to get some crack. I offered her my help to get off crack, for reasons that I'm not strong enough to get into right now, and to my surprise she accepted and meant it. Within the first month I knew her, with the help of some other good people, she was completly off of alchohol and street drugs.A few months later I let her move in with me. That's when new problems arose. For some reason her doctor feels that she needs xanax. She did ok with them for a few months. But the last 4 months have been hell. I've taken her to the hospital 2 out of the 4 months because she takes them all (60) at one time. Then last month I talked her into giving them to me to give to her right and she found them and this time I called the cops and did an emergency order or something like that. But she was out in a week same as at the hospital. And when she got out she dissapeared for a few days, called me to come get her and she had track marks all up and down her arms. I contacted her doctor and told her what she had been doing for the third time. The doc said she wouldn't give her the xanax anymore. I was really relieved. So for those thee months or so, she would be real messed up for a week off of pills and then the rest of the month she was really trying and doing great. That is one thing that is making this so hard for me because I have been with someone who wasn't trying and this is not her. She messes up but most of the time she is really trying and she is doing worlds better than she was a year and a half ago. So when she got back from the doctor this time she was fine. Then 2 hours later she was a zombie again. The dr.gave her klonopin which was obviously about the same as the xanax. We were at a friends house when I noticed the pills starting to take effect. Got back to the house and she had her friends wallet in her purse. So I took the wallet back to him, he said there was money gone, his gf was going to kick her you know what, I ended up getting myself hurt trying to keep them out of my yard and my gf wasn't even there anymore. I later found out she had got picked up and was in jail. Its been 2 days since I seen her. She was released 2 days ago. Do you think she just gave up for good? Should I just turn my back on someone who has come so far when I know she doesn't want, or guess I should say didn't want to be this way, because I'm not sure anymore, just because she's slipped a few times?

hello-kitty

Of course she doesn't want to be that way. I don't know any drug addict who says he/she wants to be a drug addict. It's what they do that counts. Addiction recovery requires hard hard work. And no one can do it for them.

Take a look at her actions Jerald. What are they telling you? She's not ready to quit yet. She's not ready to work a program of recovery.

You didn't cause her addiction. You can't control her addiction. You can't cure her addiction. You are not powerful enough to save her from herself. There's only one person who can do that. And that is her.

And when she is ready, she'll get help for her addiction. She'll chase recovery as intensely as she chases drugs. But nothing you do can help her get to that point. She will do it on her own.

Freedom1990

Grab yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and dig into it.

See if there are any Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. There you will find others who have been affected by a loved one's addiction/alcoholism.

My man-picker was broken for far too many years. I was doomed to repeat that over and over until I got into recovery for myself from codependency.

I know today I deserve better in my life, and so do you!

:ghug2 :ghug2

MsPINKAcres

((jerald))

I hate so much to read of the pain in your post - I can relate to your situation - I too have been affected by another's addictions.

Thru Al-Anon Meetings, recovery literature, posting here, working the 12 steps, and a relationship with the God of my understanding - I have found a better life for me.

I am still in contact with some of the addicts/alcoholics in my life - some I am no longer able to have a relationship with.

It is about what is healthiest for me. I deserve that - everyone does. In doing what is healthiest for me - I then allow my loved ones to find what is healthiest for them. Giving all of us dignity and self-respect.

It is truly the most loving thing we can do.

It may not seem like it right now but stepping out of your girlfriends way - may be the most loving thing you can do for her.

Wishing you the best,
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

jerald

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts with my, I mean, her problem. She came home last night and I've decided to try it again. She wants to go to a inpatient rehab so right now I'm trying to find one in our area that accepts her type of insurance. Lots of fun, thanks again.

IPT

Hey jerald - I feel your pain, I think the circumstances were not quite as extreme for me as you but the pain under it all, the questions, the confusion, it was all there.

I wish my now ex would have anted up and went to rehab. Though, after reading much here I have come to realize that is whole other journey unto itself. Read, and read some more. The co-dependant book is a good one. She also has one with daily readings which is real nice too and keeps you on target even if you’re pressed for time.
I do not know if you see anyone professionally but I found that my therapist was helpful at times. The combination of books, people's experience and thoughts here, his insight, and my deep soul searching to "understand" why I did what I did all helped me “change”. Maybe not change me, but understand my action and change them and that will change my life.

Best of luck to you both. It is tough place to be my friend.

ElegantlyWasted

Welcome... Have you tried alanon? You can redefine what your
normal is. It's as simple as realizing we develop bad habits and that they can change. The more difficult part is establishing new habits. You will find alot
of great advice and support here.