Could use some help w what to say...

Old 10-10-2009, 10:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
....or at least hoping I am.
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Could use some help w what to say...

Ok, so I haven't been around for awhile but knew that here is always where I can come to for help. 'Recovering' AH and I are now separated after 19 years of marriage. Happened because in March he went on a 3 day crack binge came home and then continued drinking on and off through June. He is also bipolar/compulsive (being neat) and can be very mean spirited. Long story short - we have been on this roller coaster for the past 19 years with his longest sobriety being 17 months. I am now tired of riding the coaster and have moved myself and 16 yo d into a condo. So - it has now been 3 months apart and he is now just coming to the realization of what he has caused and is now ready to get his life back in order and he wants his family back. DD has forgiven him for the things he has done in the past but is not ready to go down that road again and so does not want to spend time with him at this time. He can't understand this and can't understand how this can be healthy for her and doesn't understand how she can see the changes that he is making if she doesn't see him. He doesn't understand why he can't move back in with him because he is really trying he is never going to do it again...etc etc. the same old story we get every time (which I told him) but of course he swears that this is it. I truly WANT this to be the last time and do have the hope that it is the last time but am not ready myself to open up and be close and intimate yet. do get this all across to a recovering addict? This is the first time that we have been separated and the first time that I am really sticking to my boundaries but need help in the department of helping him understanding those boundaries and why and that I do feel that this is the right thing for me right now. I'm not trying to push him away or keep him out. Just trying to get some space for healing.

Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
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Old 10-10-2009, 10:32 PM
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Welcome back. Sorry your current situation has required you to return but glad you are here.

I'm not trying to push him away or keep him out. Just trying to get some space for healing.
You have your answer. Repeat as often as necessary like a broken record. IF you feel you much explain.

You see ................................ NO is a complete sentence. NO is an answer. No reasons need to be given. Just NO.

BTW you are correct, for now you and your daughter do need space, lots of space, until he can 'prove' by his ongoing ACTIONS that this time is different and since the longest he has gone is 17 months, I would say 24 months is a good place to start. That should give you the space and time you need, and bring your daughter to the age of adulthood.


Love and hugs,
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Old 10-11-2009, 12:57 AM
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As a recovering crack addict, who left my boyfriend because he is still using crack, I understand some of what you are going through. I'm grateful we don't have kids.

We A's, and RA's are impatient. Even when we really, really "get it" we forget that it takes time....and a lot of it, for the people we have hurt to forgive and trust us again and that some may NEVER trust us.

For me, I just had to hear the same thing told to me, over and over again..."I can't tell you when I will trust you (or whatever he's asking you to do) but it's not now. Nineteen years is a long, long time and his 3 months is just a drop in the bucket.

I also totally agree with Laurie - "no" is a complete sentence. There is no need to explain or justify anything. IMHO, if he were truly working on recovery, he would realize that he is dealing with the consequences of his actions for all those years and as frustrating as it is, there is nothing he can do about it.

I hope you and dd are able to maintain the space and get your point across. Repetition works pretty good with us A's...eventually.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 10-11-2009, 05:56 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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What can I add to what has already been said!?!?

"No" is a fine answer.

"17 months of sobriety do not counteract 19 years of addiction harm. It will take time to heal. When you have 24 months of active recovery & sobriety under your belt, that might be a good starting point."

Repeat as often as necessary.

((hugs for you))
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Old 10-11-2009, 12:42 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
....or at least hoping I am.
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I knew I could count on you guys! Sometimes when you feel guilty and others around you don't understand and your recovery group isn't for a couple of can be hard...but I knew I would get the help I needed here!

Thank you!! I never thought about the 24 month active recovery...that's good.

I think the hardest part is being a broken record....over and over and over and over....

Maybe I should record it for him and give it to him so he can just play it on his own
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