Chenowth

Our daughter is out of control right now, she is heavily using heroin, lying, stealing...etc. All the normal stuff that goes with her using.

I have been working very hard to stop all of my old enabling behaviors and I'm doing an okay job. I am very comfortable with our (my husband, son and I) decision not to have any contact with her while she is using and will not provide her with a anything, not a place to sleep, food, money or anything while she is using. Our love, best wishes and prayers she will always have.

A few people have helped her out, a place to sleep, a shower, meals, clean clothes...etc. When they tell me this they amost always add..."But I didn't give her any money." Last night, I got a call from our daughter's biological mom, my cousin, an meth addict who is not in recovery, and she was telling me she met up with her on the streets and let her stay in her hotel room, fed her, let her shower and then let her use IN FRONT OF HER! "But I didn't give her any money and I won't let her do it again. It made me sick" Needless to say, I flipped out! and then completely unloaded on her.

What can I do or say to get them to understand that just because you didn’t give her any money, that they are still helping her use? How have any of you dealt with this issue?

painter

Dear Chenowth, No, I have not been in this situtation. But one thing I have learned is that I cannot change anyone. It is their life to live. Their choices to make. Step back and hold tight. Your daughter and others have their own paths to lead. Prayer is the only action you can do. One mother to another, hugs.

URMYEVERYTHING

There isn't anything you can do to get anyone to do anything.... unfortunately... You will feel like .

However, you can set up boundaires on what you allow them to say to you about her and how they enable her such as, "I have gone no contact for a reason and I no longer enable her... so... I would not like to discuss how it is that you enable her."

That's it. Let them ponder on that one. If they don't.. they continue to enable for a reason and they will need to learn how to detach as you and your husband did. On the other hand, you have set a boundary to no longer hear about anxiety provoking situations related to her. It clears you from the stress.

(((HUGS)))

Freedom1990

How did I deal with it? First I had to come to accept that I was just as powerless over those 'helpful' folks and what they did as I was over the addict.

Secondly, I told them I wasn't interested in hearing anything regarding my AD and what they did for her.

When they didn't get that message, I either hung up on them or walked away.

Ann

I know that I had to make my own choices as to what I did for myself and what I did not allow others to do to me. Discussing my son's addiction was off topic unless there was an important reason to do so. I saved those discussions for safe places and people, like my sponsor and my meetings and SR.

I also learned to let go of trying to control what others did, because doing so meant I was still trying to control my son and his addiction.

It's hard to let go, I know it took me a long time to stand firm in my own recovery and values, but any thoughts of control is just an illusion and will make us crazy if we keep trying.

Hugs

winnie12

You cant control other people anymore than you can control your daughter. my AS would go through the string of people that he was able to convince to help him. What i found is usually it was short lived. as parents we will go through a lot more than other people will and they tend to loose their interest in helping the addict much faster than we do. as for the biological mom - i would guess that when it starts affecting her own stash she'll kick her out as well. addicts dont tend to want to party with someone who doesnt bring anything to the table. In the long run i just looked at all of this as another stage to go through. they screw it up at home and then start looking for someone else -sooner or later they run out of people to help them and that's when they have the opportunity to hit rock bottom.

LostInTheWorld

Chenowth

It's easy to look at another person's situation and realize what to do, and it's easy to look at my own situation (which I haven't fully grasped onto, nor have the strength to do right now) but seems you have a grasp or hold on what you are doing and are doing great; with the exception that you are allowing people to talk to you about her when there's no need. All you really need from them is to hear "I seen her, she's ok" and, that's it. They are enabling her, and that is their choice... eventually she will burn her own bridges with them as well and they'll have wished they never had let her.

Just kindly tell them "Yes, I love my daughter but I do not need everyone telling me what they did or did not do for her; that is your decision and my decision has been not to have any contact with her until she gets cleaned therefore there is no way that I am enabling her".

cece1960

Kudos to you for standing strong.

I know that others think they are doing something to help, and often its their kindness that gets in the way. What I've had to do is remind myself that my boundaries are not an attempt to stop my AS from using, but instead a protection for me.

I can't bring up my AS's bottom, and I can't stop others from helping him. If I had to be honest, deep down I am sometimes grateful.

But as hard as it is to accept, there's little I can do to manipulate the path his addiction will follow.

Hang in there
(((Hugs)))

Chenowth

Light bulb moment! I hadn't even considered this view point! WoW!
This is what I was doing. I gotta keep working on my control issues.

Thanks for all the great insight...and I think a polite "I'm sorry I don't want hear about or discuss this" is going to be my new response.