Need to make a decision

Old 10-06-2009, 04:51 AM
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Need to make a decision

My daughter is taking music lessons and the teacher is in NA. I know because he had a NA book in his bathroom. There have been no problems until last night. My daughter was saying she was really tired during practice. She is 12 years old and just started her period. After she mentioned she was really tired, the teacher said, "Too bad. You get no mercy from me." which was directly followed up by an apology and he offered her some hot chocolate. I could tell he was remorseful, but I'm not sure if she should continue going for music lessons. I explained to her that he is very sick and people don't say things like that to others unless they are sick. I told her that her body is going through a lot of changes right now and that it is only normal that she is so tired and she is not to blame for feeling that way. If it happens again, music lessons from him will be severed. I'm wondering if I should sever them now?? I'm really struggling with this today. I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by allowing another chance.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:13 AM
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I'm not sure what the problem really is here?

He didn't coddle her. My daughter is on a swim team and if she shows up for practice and says she is tired she is likely to get the same response.

If she shows up at home and says she is tired I am likely to ask why and mention that going to bed earlier might help.

Maybe it was said in a way that was "more harsh" than necessary but when he realized he apologized immediately which is more than a lot of people would do.

I assume she didn't say to the teacher I just got my period and it is new for me so there are extenuating circumstances.

It seems to me that you might have an issue with the fact that the guy is in NA and are looking for an excuse to pull her from lessons.

If you don't want her around this person just end the lessons. You don't need to justify your actions to anybody.

I occasionally used babysitters that I never had back "just because" and that is a good enough reason for me as a mom. Don't look for reasons that aren't there.

JMHO
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:36 AM
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I think you will make a good decision, whatever you decide. You said there were never any problems in the past, and maybe this one was just a bad moment. Maybe ask your daughter how she feels about it.

I have learned in recovery and life that if something just doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't.

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Old 10-06-2009, 06:01 AM
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When someone makes remarks to another human being like that, it is not kind or loving, especially to a child. The reason I mentioned NA is because maybe someone understands the disease better and can shed some light on what the appropriate response would be or how to better deal if this should happen again.
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:12 AM
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My opinion (for what its worth! LOL) is that he was playing a 'coach' role and simply trying to motivate her to push thru her lethargy. Coaches do that all the time. I think you're making a big deal out of nothing...and maybe looking for an excuse to terminate the lessons. You don't need an excuse! Just terminate if you and your daughter feel it's not a good fit! No need to make him out to be some kind of villain just because he's in NA.
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
When someone makes remarks to another human being like that, it is not kind or loving, especially to a child. .
Worthy,

I promise I'm not trying to be difficult here, but if you feel the above way then you have already answered your own question.

You obviously don't like the way he spoke to your child. It is your right as her parent to pick who her music instructor should be. It doesn't matter if they are in NA, AA or in a local soccer league.

Maybe the real questions for yourself should be:
why are you having such trouble making this decision?
why are you looking for validation from the people on the board?

I'm sure you make good thoughtful decisions regarding your daughter all the time and this one is no different.

good luck
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:22 AM
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I'm not sure his response was because he's an addict. does sound like a coach role to me as well. I also would mention that my daughter just started as well and can be pretty whiny when she has her periods. All the women on here would probably agree that they are more emotional during that time of the month and at our daugthers ages it can be over-exagerrated since they are new to it. BUT the bottom line is if you want to choose another instructor then by all means do. just dont expect her to never have these types of conversations with someone else whether they are in recovery or not.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
When someone makes remarks to another human being like that, it is not kind or loving, especially to a child.
lol... No offense, but I'm laughing over here. A child? She is 12 and just got her period, thats not a 3 year old that isn't allowed nap time at daycare-- this is a young lady.

I don't think NA has anything at all to do with this-- other than pointing out your own co-dependancy issues... ie; wanting to overcompensate/protect/shelter/ your daughter from dealing with reality/life.

The world is not going to be cute and rosey when she grows up. Coaches/teachers etc. are stronger with kids, because they HAVE to make them tow the line. Now if all of us parents took that attitude, we might have a more responsible/respectful upcomming generation on our hands.

So, no offense, but I truely think you are overeacting and judgeing this person, because of your own issues.

Let your daughter suck it up-- and step aside so she can grow as a young lady.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:57 AM
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Worthy,

Reading over your responses I think you're being quick to judge him on his past - obviously he is trying to better his life and going to NA meetings. I'm not trying to be mean on this but please read what I have to write. I used to be in gymnastics for years and years, not once did I hear "oh, you're tired? It's ok.. we'll skip out on this one". It was "I don't care if you're tired, this is how you do it and that's how you are going to do it". Whether we had sprained ankles, wrists...etc, we still had to do what we were there for.

She's not a baby anymore mom, whether you want to believe it or not she is begining the transition into woman-hood and small tastes of reality like the teacher had done to your daughter is exactly what she needs. Ie: if she showed up for school and said she was too tired to do her homework, do you imagine that teacher would say oh thats fine ? No.. she would be penalized for it.
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
My daughter is taking music lessons and the teacher is in NA. I know because he had a NA book in his bathroom.

I explained to her that he is very sick and people don't say things like that to others unless they are sick.

I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by allowing another chance.
Sorry you are feeling upset by this. It can be difficult when someone else treats our child in a way we believe is wrong, but i think it is important to remember, that our children must live in the "real world", and they are not always going to be handled with kid gloves.

You said you "know" he is in NA because he has an NA book in his bathroom. I don't know that this confirms anything, you are really just assuming this to be true. Perhaps he just likes to read the book, or maybe he has a family member dealing with addiction, and he is educating himself. I can judge no one for what they choose to do or read.

telling your daughter that he is a very sick person because a only a sick person would never say that is IMO, kinda of telling her that when someone says something you don't like, or you think is mean, well that just means they are sick. Now you daughter will look at her music teacher and think he's just a sick person, and may not have the same respect for him as she did. I am not sure that his one statement is enough to justify calling him "sick". I know I have told my daughter that I don't feel sorry for her if she's tired, she needs to go to bed on time. I understand about your daughters period, but she will have to deal with that for many years to come, and needs to know that it is not an excuse to not participate.

As for allowing him another chance, I'm not sure you've given him a first chance because IMO, you are assuming something that may not even be a truth based on seeing a "book" in a bathroom.

but then who am i to judge . . . . . . .
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Old 10-06-2009, 09:21 AM
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I agree with what others have said. You don't know that he is in NA just because of a book you found in his bathroom. And assuming he is in recovery, I'm not sure what that has to do with his teaching style. How does your daughter feel about him as a teacher? I think he was just practicing "tough love". If you don't agree, then stop going but I don't think this has anything to do with NA.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:48 PM
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IMO, the response had nothing to do with the teacher "being in NA"...

My daughter is 13 and has been dancing for 8 hours a week for over 5 years... Her teacher has said the same thing to her and the other students in the class... Were you there when the teacher made the remark? I know being a parent of a pre-teen/teen that girls tend to over-react to how things are said to them... I wouldn't make a decision to pull my child based on one remark, even if the teacher was practicing the steps of NA...

I am not being insensitive to the situation, just reacting to MY instincts as a parent of a teen myself.....
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:56 AM
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I don't remove my child from situations just because they are difficult. My child is going to have to learn to deal with difficult people in this life. I cannot protect him from it. My child is only 4. His soccer coach is pretty hard on him. He either follows the rules or he doesn't get to play. That doesn't mean I pull him out of soccer. In preschool, his teachers can be tough about enforcing the rules, by my request, if he chooses not to participate in an activity, like music, he doesn't get to drop out of it and go play whatever he wants.

Maybe I'm missing something in your post. I think your daughter has an opportunity to learn one of life's most important lessons at a young age - Welcome to the real world baby. People aren't always nice here. And having your period doesn't mean you will get special treatment.

But for the life of me I can't figure out what NA has to do with any of this? That's a great learning opportunity too. And really none of your business or your daughters. Again, maybe I missed something.
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:45 AM
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My daughter was being honest about how she was feeling and letting him know the reason she was not as quick as she has been previously. His reaction is telling her that it is not okay to be honest or you will be subjecting yourself to a putdown. I was glad she was able to recognize and express that she was tired. Invalidating someone's feelings is inappropriate and abusive. I asked about NA because I thought that was the behavior that was done to him while he was growing up.
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
I asked about NA because I thought that was the behavior that was done to him while he was growing up.
You're making an AWFUL lot of assumptions about this person, and I think that the only lesson your daughter is learning from this is that it's ok to pre-judge people whom you know little about. There are plenty if people out there who had perfectly happy "normal" childhoods who have developed addictions, and pleanty of people who suffered through a terrible childhood and did not develop addictions...strange thread, imho...
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:39 AM
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The title of this thread is "need to make a decision"

I'm going to suggest stepping outside the box for a moment and agree with you, but can you be open to the idea that what you need to make a decision about isn't whether the Piano teacher is appropriate or not, but whether you would like to start changing your thinking and take steps to recover from your own judgmentalism and codependency issues.

In which Case I would suggest Step Three, Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God

Of course after you work step two, which is came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity, of course you would have to want to be restored to sanity for that to work.

Or you could just keep doing what you are doing, that's OK too, but keep in mind if nothing changes, nothing changes
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
My daughter was being honest about how she was feeling and letting him know the reason she was not as quick as she has been previously. His reaction is telling her that it is not okay to be honest or you will be subjecting yourself to a putdown. I was glad she was able to recognize and express that she was tired. Invalidating someone's feelings is inappropriate and abusive. I asked about NA because I thought that was the behavior that was done to him while he was growing up.
I actually disagree.

Your first post stated that teacher said she will "get no mercy" because she is tired.

It wasn't a "put down" or an "invalidation".
A put down would have been:
you are a bad person because you are tired
An invalidation would have been:
you aren't tired

What he said as far as I can tell was that in his opinion it wasn't relevant to the lesson that she was tired.

You don't need to be "yes-ed" to be validated, there is a difference.

Would it have been more "pc" if he had said "I hear that you are tired but I'd really like you to push yourself today" ... probably

very few people in life respond in the manner directly above ...

I was definitely "invalidated" as a child, harshly, by my mother. I am careful with my children but it is sort of a general practice. I do not analyze every interaction they have with every teacher/instructor/etc ...

There is a balance between building healthy individuals and "coddling" them because you are worried about how they will respond to invalidation.

Also, it is not such a bad lesson for your daughter to learn that with some people she might really have to be forceful to be heard.
That she might have to repeat : "teacher I am really truly exhausted and need your understanding today"

It is all a part of learning how to navigate through life.

I also don't believe his being in NA (if he is) has anything to do with it.

Most people who I know that are really working a program are much more "sensitive" to these issues than the "average" person anyway.
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove View Post
My daughter was being honest about how she was feeling and letting him know the reason she was not as quick as she has been previously. His reaction is telling her that it is not okay to be honest or you will be subjecting yourself to a putdown. I was glad she was able to recognize and express that she was tired. Invalidating someone's feelings is inappropriate and abusive. I asked about NA because I thought that was the behavior that was done to him while he was growing up.
Did you not state he apologized to her for saying what he did, and even offered her some hot chocolate?
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Old 10-07-2009, 12:01 PM
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Hi Worthy, :ghug3

Here's my advice to "help" you make this decision:

Since your daughter is still a minor child, I feel you have both the right and responsibility to make sure the teacher is acting appropriately. If it were me I would simply talk to him. Just calmly present him with your daughter's feelings and express your discomfort with the situation (without accusing him, blaming him, or otherwise being negative). Your daughter's feelings are her own; you cannot control them for her. But, if when you approach this man, adult as you are, you have difficulty or discomfort because of his behavior, judge for yourself how uncomfortable a 12-year old would be.

I personally have experience in The Arts and know that most artists and musicians are VERY SERIOUS about their work and expect others to take it very seriously, especially their students. In many of my classes we were ALL told, "You must show up for class. If you are dead, you must still show up." Sounds like a similar situation to me.

Trust your instincts, I always say. You're doing the right thing. :ghug2
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