Please Help Me Understand.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5
Please Help Me Understand..... Here is a bit of my story....
My husband is a drug addict. He seems to always substitute one addiction for another. Shortly after we met he was on coke which I thought he had under control (i know now that there is no such thing) Then he started smoking crack bad. This was about 4 years ago. I left him and went to live by my parents it only took a few days and he had stopped. he really did. Then he started taking prescription meds which I then again thought ok it isn't that bad. Well over the past year or more it slowly got worse and worse. since he was layed of 7 months ago (2 weeks b4 i had 6th baby) Things went down hill quick. He was starting to chew them, then sniff. And alot. he started stealing from me. Wasn't paying the bills. He had me thinking i had to give him them or let him or he was in pain, or he couldn't move, or he couldn't help with kids... da da da da. Always a excuse.
He gives me these threats but its not in a mean way.. I cant quite explain kinda like black mail maybe. His moods are so up and down there is no middle. He can get down right nasty at times. Saying im a bad mother. Saying I am dirty (which I have OCD I clean non stop) He has told me he does these things on purpose to hurt me. then he cry's to me how he is sorry..??
The worst started happening in the past month or so. I had heart failure twice since march. I have also been hospitalized alot for health problems other then that and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. So I was receiving scripts from my Dr. well I tried giving him some so he wouldn't keep using the bill money. But he was stealing tons more. I get perks and fetynal patches. He would go threw my script of pills in days and I wouldn't have anything for the rest on the month. Then I noticed when I would change my patch he would get it out the garbage and suck the stuff out. Then beyond Taking all my scripts he was still stealing my things and running up tabs and spending all bill $. He also had a Dr that he got scripts from.
I had enough two weeks ago when I finally realized how bad it was... I found out all that (how much he was taking). For two days I was trying to get him to go to the ER cuz he couldn't breath I thought he had pneumonia cuz he was really sick for about two weeks already. Well come to find out he went threw 90 pills from his Dr, two fetynal patches, some perks and some oc's he bought. oh and 4 bottles of cough medicine in TWO days. He was killing himself! Then i told him I was no longer giving him anything or any money that I loved him and he needed help. I was scared to death he was going to kill himself after finding out how much stuff he was taking. well he got mad and Stole something very very special to my oldest son. And that was it for me! I had the police here twice in two days (which i never did)
I was so extremely hurt and mad and disgusted I told him he couldn't come back till he was better. He crossed the line. well he stayed by his mom for a couple days but was still buying and blaming me for EVERYTHING. But then all of a sudden he changed, he admitted everything. He called everywhere and anywhere to get help. he seems to be doing the right things. He went to stay with my parents to stay clean. he hasn't taken anything but tremadol i guess in about 4 days and has appt with methadone clinic Tuesday. he went to all his dr and told them the truth.
He seems to be keeping me out of the recovery tho... He is so distant from me. when i see him to drop kids he cant even look up at me. He wont hug me or anything. we talk on the phone and he tells me he loves me so much but when he cant be around me or our house cuz he feels he wants to use and he is so scared that he will use anything. I knew there was a very big risk involved here but it hurts so bad to be getting pushed away but then not. u know what I mean?
He is such a great father and Husband, He is well educated. We live in a very nice home. He just got sucked into this drug crap and he just isn't himself anymore. I want him back?
Sorry I have so rambled on but I am so lost and confused.
:wtf2
My husband is a drug addict. He seems to always substitute one addiction for another. Shortly after we met he was on coke which I thought he had under control (i know now that there is no such thing) Then he started smoking crack bad. This was about 4 years ago. I left him and went to live by my parents it only took a few days and he had stopped. he really did. Then he started taking prescription meds which I then again thought ok it isn't that bad. Well over the past year or more it slowly got worse and worse. since he was layed of 7 months ago (2 weeks b4 i had 6th baby) Things went down hill quick. He was starting to chew them, then sniff. And alot. he started stealing from me. Wasn't paying the bills. He had me thinking i had to give him them or let him or he was in pain, or he couldn't move, or he couldn't help with kids... da da da da. Always a excuse.
He gives me these threats but its not in a mean way.. I cant quite explain kinda like black mail maybe. His moods are so up and down there is no middle. He can get down right nasty at times. Saying im a bad mother. Saying I am dirty (which I have OCD I clean non stop) He has told me he does these things on purpose to hurt me. then he cry's to me how he is sorry..??
The worst started happening in the past month or so. I had heart failure twice since march. I have also been hospitalized alot for health problems other then that and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. So I was receiving scripts from my Dr. well I tried giving him some so he wouldn't keep using the bill money. But he was stealing tons more. I get perks and fetynal patches. He would go threw my script of pills in days and I wouldn't have anything for the rest on the month. Then I noticed when I would change my patch he would get it out the garbage and suck the stuff out. Then beyond Taking all my scripts he was still stealing my things and running up tabs and spending all bill $. He also had a Dr that he got scripts from.
I had enough two weeks ago when I finally realized how bad it was... I found out all that (how much he was taking). For two days I was trying to get him to go to the ER cuz he couldn't breath I thought he had pneumonia cuz he was really sick for about two weeks already. Well come to find out he went threw 90 pills from his Dr, two fetynal patches, some perks and some oc's he bought. oh and 4 bottles of cough medicine in TWO days. He was killing himself! Then i told him I was no longer giving him anything or any money that I loved him and he needed help. I was scared to death he was going to kill himself after finding out how much stuff he was taking. well he got mad and Stole something very very special to my oldest son. And that was it for me! I had the police here twice in two days (which i never did)
I was so extremely hurt and mad and disgusted I told him he couldn't come back till he was better. He crossed the line. well he stayed by his mom for a couple days but was still buying and blaming me for EVERYTHING. But then all of a sudden he changed, he admitted everything. He called everywhere and anywhere to get help. he seems to be doing the right things. He went to stay with my parents to stay clean. he hasn't taken anything but tremadol i guess in about 4 days and has appt with methadone clinic Tuesday. he went to all his dr and told them the truth.
He seems to be keeping me out of the recovery tho... He is so distant from me. when i see him to drop kids he cant even look up at me. He wont hug me or anything. we talk on the phone and he tells me he loves me so much but when he cant be around me or our house cuz he feels he wants to use and he is so scared that he will use anything. I knew there was a very big risk involved here but it hurts so bad to be getting pushed away but then not. u know what I mean?
He is such a great father and Husband, He is well educated. We live in a very nice home. He just got sucked into this drug crap and he just isn't himself anymore. I want him back?
Sorry I have so rambled on but I am so lost and confused.
:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 49
First of all, Welcome! You are not alone!
This is a perfect place to ramble, we all do and we don't mind if you do, so keep doing it! Sometimes you need to ramble to find the focus you need.
We have diffent roads to travel to find our solution but we can help make our seperate road easier with our knowlege that the while the path is different the goal is the same.
The pendulum moods you describe are usual with an addict, I described it with my daughter as living with Jekyl and Hyde. Addicts blame everyong but themselves.
You need to seek help now! Read the stickies on the first page, they helped me immensely! I'm sure someone here can direct you to a good support group in your area.
Remember you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
Am come back often.
This is a perfect place to ramble, we all do and we don't mind if you do, so keep doing it! Sometimes you need to ramble to find the focus you need.
We have diffent roads to travel to find our solution but we can help make our seperate road easier with our knowlege that the while the path is different the goal is the same.
The pendulum moods you describe are usual with an addict, I described it with my daughter as living with Jekyl and Hyde. Addicts blame everyong but themselves.
You need to seek help now! Read the stickies on the first page, they helped me immensely! I'm sure someone here can direct you to a good support group in your area.
Remember you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
Am come back often.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((ttsp)) welcome to SR, though I am sorry for what brings you here.
I'm a recovering addict (crack) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts. I've been on both sides of addiction, and I honestly think the codie side just might be tougher.
I know when I first got clean, I couldn't look my family in the eye, either. I had a tremendous amount of guilt and shame to deal with (and I hadn't stolen anything - I had just hurt them by disappearing and walking away from the life I had that they were proud of). It took a while before I didn't feel like the scum of the earth.
The biggest thing I can recommend is that you may want to check out nar-anon or al-anon meetings. Nar-anon is for loved ones of addicts, but they aren't around as much as al-anon and most loved ones get just what they need from al-anon. It's very important that you find support for yourself.
He will need to find his own support system and it needs to be from other recovering addicts. This is something you just can't do, nor anyone else in your family, unless they are recovering. My family loves me dearly, but there are times that I absolutely have to talk to someone who has done drugs....someone who hasn't just doesn't understand.
Above all, please take care of YOUR health. Your children need one parent who is as healthy as can be. You have some hurdles with your own health..you don't need to make them worse by letting him take your meds.
I hope you keep reading and posting. There is some excellent info in the stickies, which are the posts at the top of the forum.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict (crack) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts. I've been on both sides of addiction, and I honestly think the codie side just might be tougher.
I know when I first got clean, I couldn't look my family in the eye, either. I had a tremendous amount of guilt and shame to deal with (and I hadn't stolen anything - I had just hurt them by disappearing and walking away from the life I had that they were proud of). It took a while before I didn't feel like the scum of the earth.
The biggest thing I can recommend is that you may want to check out nar-anon or al-anon meetings. Nar-anon is for loved ones of addicts, but they aren't around as much as al-anon and most loved ones get just what they need from al-anon. It's very important that you find support for yourself.
He will need to find his own support system and it needs to be from other recovering addicts. This is something you just can't do, nor anyone else in your family, unless they are recovering. My family loves me dearly, but there are times that I absolutely have to talk to someone who has done drugs....someone who hasn't just doesn't understand.
Above all, please take care of YOUR health. Your children need one parent who is as healthy as can be. You have some hurdles with your own health..you don't need to make them worse by letting him take your meds.
I hope you keep reading and posting. There is some excellent info in the stickies, which are the posts at the top of the forum.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Ohhhhhh.......now I get it....
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 46
Dear ttsp, I so feel your pain. When my AH was trying to get clean he was sooo distant to me. Why wasn't he turning to me for help??? Why was he turning to his AA meetings and his NA meetings???? I was the one who had helped him all this time!!!! Why won't he let me be a part of it????? Then I went to a few Alanon meetings and I am about to start going to CODA meetings (that's meetings for codependents)!!! I learned that I needed to worry about myself and MY recovery!!! Funny thing is that I have found out that some symtoms of codependents are OCD, health problems etc, etc....EXACTLY ME!!!!! I am not where I need to be with myself yet but I am trying EVERY day and I pray that you can find the strength to keep yourself together for you and your kids. It's HARD!!!! It's not an easy journey. I have been dealing with this for 9 months now, we have been married for 17 years but he only decided to get help 9 months ago. He has relapsed and had a few mental health admissions and he still struggles...as do I. The one thing I CAN say is that you HAVE TO have support!!!!! If I hadn't had this site in the last few days I don't know where I would be mentally and emotionally. I thought for years that I couldn't make it on my own. But YOU CAN!!! Try some Alanon meetings!!!! Try at least 6 meetings and then see how you feel. Be careful of telling your husband about Alanon though, mine is VERY threatened by it. Also, start a journal. That helps me alot and sometimes helps me identify my AH's patterns. He was so distant at the beginning because of the guilt that he had. Addicts and alcoholics DO NOT want to be the way they are, they were just handed a cra*** deck of cards!!!!! But I am learning that their actions and recovery is THEIR responsibility....NOT OURS!!!!!
Let him do what he needs to do to get better and you work on yourself!!!! You can do this!!!! Just from experience with my husband.....Tramadol is also a very addictive drug. The withdrawls that my husband went through were horrendous!!!
Keep coming back! You will find lots of support here!!!!
Let him do what he needs to do to get better and you work on yourself!!!! You can do this!!!! Just from experience with my husband.....Tramadol is also a very addictive drug. The withdrawls that my husband went through were horrendous!!!
Keep coming back! You will find lots of support here!!!!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm a recovering addict married but separated from my active addicted husband of 23yrs, i know its hard but allowing him to be responsible for his own recovery may be what it will take for him to finally reach his bottom. focus on you, your health and your kids. unless he continues with a plan of recovery, his addiction will get so much worse. its up to you whether you allow his addiction to drag you and the kids along for the ride. you and your family are in my prayers.
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