Addict's Girlfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Addict's Girlfriend
Okay, so before anyone judges on how good of a mother I am to be leaving my children exposed to this, I must tell you that my children are at no risk of seeing what is going on with him. I am, and probably will be for a long time, a drug addict's girlfriend. We have 2 kids, one of which is his "step son" and the other is his real daughter. The kids constantly hear us fighting because I'm tired of living the life of a drug addict, without being a drug addict. When I first met him, he told me he was prescribed to percocets; come to find out he really wasn't he was a drug abuser but can you honestly hate someone for having a problem?
I've been with him for 2 years, and currently am in 1,700$ in the hole (he owes me) for his addiction. He is not supporting me, and has never. I haven't been able to go to the store to pick up clothes, or extra items for fear that before one of us gets paid, he'll end up sick and can't cope in return means he won't go to work, and in return means more money borrowed off me. I've tried to explain my frustration but he sees nothing wrong with this... he'll pay $400, borrow $300.. it's frustrating. I can't live without him, a) when we're apart we get along SO good and never ever fight.. b) my son is always so upset that his daddy left (he calls him daddy of his own choice). c) the money he owes me, he claims he doesn't owe me anything when we are seperated d) we have a daughter together but on the other hand I'm so tired of living the addict's life without being a substance abuser myself! i have to deal with the constant lies over little, meaningless things, the mood swings, the money loss, the blackmail...etc.
Before you get to judging, he REALLY is a nice guy when he has his pills, it's when he's running low he gets down and dirty and feels he's able to hold money, or my kids over my head. While he's got his pills, he claims I am the best mom, best woman, best everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for, when he's out... I'm a horrible mother, an even horribler girlfriend (for not being able to support his REALLY expensive habit) ...etc.
I'm not sure what to do, I don't believe that I want to push him away just for being an addict and I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the correct area of the forums, or even in the right forums since this is technically soberrecovery. We have seperated before, where he promised he'd go to rehab, had me so much as call them and set up a bed for him only for him to cancel and say he's not ready and fears being sick and doesn't want to quit them because "then what will he do?".
Years ago he used to be a marijuana dealer, mixed pills, but never touched the pills. He smoked a lot of marijuana, then eventually he got into percocets. He says he can't go to rehab now because then he will have no job to go back to because he just started his job...etc. I'm not sure what to do, I'm 20 years old, he is 27 and to me still acts like he's going on 20. I feel bad because I do come down hard on him when I really just try to point out the fact that we don't make enough money for him to go through 10 in one day (80$ down here!!) and we end up in a full blown fight, or with him telling me to shut up he doesn't need me *****ing at him "like I always do".
I try to understand it's a disease but never having been myself I don't understand how one could get themselves into an addiction yet can't get themselves out. Can I have someone's input, or advice or... anything? Please?
I've been with him for 2 years, and currently am in 1,700$ in the hole (he owes me) for his addiction. He is not supporting me, and has never. I haven't been able to go to the store to pick up clothes, or extra items for fear that before one of us gets paid, he'll end up sick and can't cope in return means he won't go to work, and in return means more money borrowed off me. I've tried to explain my frustration but he sees nothing wrong with this... he'll pay $400, borrow $300.. it's frustrating. I can't live without him, a) when we're apart we get along SO good and never ever fight.. b) my son is always so upset that his daddy left (he calls him daddy of his own choice). c) the money he owes me, he claims he doesn't owe me anything when we are seperated d) we have a daughter together but on the other hand I'm so tired of living the addict's life without being a substance abuser myself! i have to deal with the constant lies over little, meaningless things, the mood swings, the money loss, the blackmail...etc.
Before you get to judging, he REALLY is a nice guy when he has his pills, it's when he's running low he gets down and dirty and feels he's able to hold money, or my kids over my head. While he's got his pills, he claims I am the best mom, best woman, best everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for, when he's out... I'm a horrible mother, an even horribler girlfriend (for not being able to support his REALLY expensive habit) ...etc.
I'm not sure what to do, I don't believe that I want to push him away just for being an addict and I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the correct area of the forums, or even in the right forums since this is technically soberrecovery. We have seperated before, where he promised he'd go to rehab, had me so much as call them and set up a bed for him only for him to cancel and say he's not ready and fears being sick and doesn't want to quit them because "then what will he do?".
Years ago he used to be a marijuana dealer, mixed pills, but never touched the pills. He smoked a lot of marijuana, then eventually he got into percocets. He says he can't go to rehab now because then he will have no job to go back to because he just started his job...etc. I'm not sure what to do, I'm 20 years old, he is 27 and to me still acts like he's going on 20. I feel bad because I do come down hard on him when I really just try to point out the fact that we don't make enough money for him to go through 10 in one day (80$ down here!!) and we end up in a full blown fight, or with him telling me to shut up he doesn't need me *****ing at him "like I always do".
I try to understand it's a disease but never having been myself I don't understand how one could get themselves into an addiction yet can't get themselves out. Can I have someone's input, or advice or... anything? Please?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld 
Before you get to judging, he REALLY is a nice guy when he has his pills, it's when he's running low he gets down and dirty and feels he's able to hold money, or my kids over my head. While he's got his pills, he claims I am the best mom, best woman, best everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for, when he's out... I'm a horrible mother, an even horribler girlfriend (for not being able to support his REALLY expensive habit) ...etc.
?
?
OMG. Ok. I'm not going to 'go there' about judgeing you in regard to your children, but I am going to 'say something' about the quote above....
He is a really nice guy when he has his pills??? Yea, the world would always be better when you are on a 'high', that's why they 'stay addicted'. How about dealing with reality? Is he a nice guy then?
You say, when he's out he's 'nasty'.... great, so you are willing to subject yourself to abuse because he needs HIS FIX?
For the love of god, I would implore you to get your self-esteem/ self-worth in check, and ask yourself if HOW YOU ARE TREATED SHOULD BE DEPENDENT ON IF HE IS HIGH OR NOT!!!!!!!!!
You are allowing yourself to live with a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.....
I worry about you, (and won't bring up the kids) because with a unhealthy mom, there is ONLY going to be unhealthy kids!!
Why do you want to wait for his affirmations (when he is high)? Don't you deserve more than that?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Hello Lost! Welcome to SR! First, let me start by saying that my RBF is also an opiate addict and I can say that I, too , was that GF to an opiate addict. However, I knew where to draw the line and let him go before his addiction destroyed me which in turn would have destroyed my son. So, what I say is by my experience and from what I have learned in dealing with an active addict who is now in recovery. What I say is with all good intentions and no one here will judge you for your choice.
I do not have an addiction either but I can say this, not even the addict themselves understands or knows why they continue to put a drug into their body that changes them into a completely different person. So, if they don't understand, I don't stay around trying to figure out why they do what they do. I have learned that I would rather get the hell out. It's just easier that way. Trying to figure out why another person does what they do is just to exhausting.
Keep coming and posting. You'll see there is lots of support here. Try to get yourself involved in an Alanon or NaAnon meeting immediately and start working on support for yourself.
(((HUGS)))
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
Okay, so before anyone judges on how good of a mother I am to be leaving my children exposed to this, I must tell you that my children are at no risk of seeing what is going on with him. I am, and probably will be for a long time, a drug addict's girlfriend. We have 2 kids, one of which is his "step son" and the other is his real daughter. The kids constantly hear us fighting because I'm tired of living the life of a drug addict, without being a drug addict. When I first met him, he told me he was prescribed to percocets; come to find out he really wasn't he was a drug abuser but can you honestly hate someone for having a problem?
I've been with him for 2 years, and currently am in 1,700$ in the hole (he owes me) for his addiction. He is not supporting me, and has never. I haven't been able to go to the store to pick up clothes, or extra items for fear that before one of us gets paid, he'll end up sick and can't cope in return means he won't go to work, and in return means more money borrowed off me. I've tried to explain my frustration but he sees nothing wrong with this... he'll pay $400, borrow $300.. it's frustrating. You have become a part of his addiction. You have put aside your needs to meet his... his addiction.
I can't live without him, a) when we're apart we get along SO good and never ever fight.. If you get along so well apart, then where is this struggle coming from that you need to stay?
b) my son is always so upset that his daddy left (he calls him daddy of his own choice).
I learned that my son was getting upset and confused because BF was in and out. I finally had to keep him out. My son wasn't understanding his disappearing acts and his moods. I made the decision to keep my son away from this by keeping my active BF away.
c) the money he owes me, he claims he doesn't owe me anything when we are seperated
This is emotional manipulation. This is how he reels you in. He's an active addict. Even if the money fell in his lap by inheritance or some other means, he would still claim he doesn't owe you. He will manipulate the situation to get his needs met.
d) we have a daughter together but on the other hand I'm so tired of living the addict's life without being a substance abuser myself! i have to deal with the constant lies over little, meaningless things, the mood swings, the money loss, the blackmail...etc. (Unfortunately, this is what addicts do. It doesn't matter how nice they are on the pills, that is all part of the manipulation to keep his supply line open. His current supply line is you.
Before you get to judging, he REALLY is a nice guy when he has his pills, it's when he's running low he gets down and dirty and feels he's able to hold money, or my kids over my head. While he's got his pills, he claims I am the best mom, best woman, best everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for, when he's out... I'm a horrible mother, an even horribler girlfriend (for not being able to support his REALLY expensive habit) ...etc.
Not judging here... but all addicts can be quite the charmer when they want something. Then again, what does it say about him that he can't be nice when he isn't using? He uses to mask what is really underneath and you have seen a glimpse of this person. Doesn't seem like it's a pretty sight.
I'm not sure what to do, I don't believe that I want to push him away just for being an addict and I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the correct area of the forums, or even in the right forums since this is technically soberrecovery.
You are in the right place. Making a decision to leave someone does not happen overnight and no one will encourage you to leave. However, there will be people who will come along and say that living with an active addict is complete insanity. I agree. Does leaving mean that you are abandoning them? No, leaving isn't about them, it's about you and your children.
We have seperated before, where he promised he'd go to rehab, had me so much as call them and set up a bed for him only for him to cancel and say he's not ready and fears being sick and doesn't want to quit them because "then what will he do?".
In the field I work in, Mental health and substance abuse, this is simply he's not ready to stop using. Whatever excuse he brings to you, translate it to, he's not ready to stop getting high. Plain and simple.
Years ago he used to be a marijuana dealer, mixed pills, but never touched the pills. He smoked a lot of marijuana, then eventually he got into percocets. He says he can't go to rehab now because then he will have no job to go back to because he just started his job...etc.
Without me going into too much detail, this is another excuse to keep using. He's not ready.
I'm not sure what to do, I'm 20 years old, he is 27 and to me still acts like he's going on 20. I feel bad because I do come down hard on him when I really just try to point out the fact that we don't make enough money for him to go through 10 in one day (80$ down here!!) and we end up in a full blown fight, or with him telling me to shut up he doesn't need me *****ing at him "like I always do".
I just want to reach through this computer and give you a big :ghug3. You are so young and have so much ahead in your life to look forward to. Please educate yourself about addiction and do it quickly. The more you educate yourself on what it is you are dealing with the more willing you will be to accept what others on here may have to say to you.
I try to understand it's a disease but never having been myself I don't understand how one could get themselves into an addiction yet can't get themselves out. Can I have someone's input, or advice or... anything? Please?
I've been with him for 2 years, and currently am in 1,700$ in the hole (he owes me) for his addiction. He is not supporting me, and has never. I haven't been able to go to the store to pick up clothes, or extra items for fear that before one of us gets paid, he'll end up sick and can't cope in return means he won't go to work, and in return means more money borrowed off me. I've tried to explain my frustration but he sees nothing wrong with this... he'll pay $400, borrow $300.. it's frustrating. You have become a part of his addiction. You have put aside your needs to meet his... his addiction.
I can't live without him, a) when we're apart we get along SO good and never ever fight.. If you get along so well apart, then where is this struggle coming from that you need to stay?
b) my son is always so upset that his daddy left (he calls him daddy of his own choice).
I learned that my son was getting upset and confused because BF was in and out. I finally had to keep him out. My son wasn't understanding his disappearing acts and his moods. I made the decision to keep my son away from this by keeping my active BF away.
c) the money he owes me, he claims he doesn't owe me anything when we are seperated
This is emotional manipulation. This is how he reels you in. He's an active addict. Even if the money fell in his lap by inheritance or some other means, he would still claim he doesn't owe you. He will manipulate the situation to get his needs met.
d) we have a daughter together but on the other hand I'm so tired of living the addict's life without being a substance abuser myself! i have to deal with the constant lies over little, meaningless things, the mood swings, the money loss, the blackmail...etc. (Unfortunately, this is what addicts do. It doesn't matter how nice they are on the pills, that is all part of the manipulation to keep his supply line open. His current supply line is you.
Before you get to judging, he REALLY is a nice guy when he has his pills, it's when he's running low he gets down and dirty and feels he's able to hold money, or my kids over my head. While he's got his pills, he claims I am the best mom, best woman, best everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for, when he's out... I'm a horrible mother, an even horribler girlfriend (for not being able to support his REALLY expensive habit) ...etc.
Not judging here... but all addicts can be quite the charmer when they want something. Then again, what does it say about him that he can't be nice when he isn't using? He uses to mask what is really underneath and you have seen a glimpse of this person. Doesn't seem like it's a pretty sight.
I'm not sure what to do, I don't believe that I want to push him away just for being an addict and I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the correct area of the forums, or even in the right forums since this is technically soberrecovery.
You are in the right place. Making a decision to leave someone does not happen overnight and no one will encourage you to leave. However, there will be people who will come along and say that living with an active addict is complete insanity. I agree. Does leaving mean that you are abandoning them? No, leaving isn't about them, it's about you and your children.
We have seperated before, where he promised he'd go to rehab, had me so much as call them and set up a bed for him only for him to cancel and say he's not ready and fears being sick and doesn't want to quit them because "then what will he do?".
In the field I work in, Mental health and substance abuse, this is simply he's not ready to stop using. Whatever excuse he brings to you, translate it to, he's not ready to stop getting high. Plain and simple.
Years ago he used to be a marijuana dealer, mixed pills, but never touched the pills. He smoked a lot of marijuana, then eventually he got into percocets. He says he can't go to rehab now because then he will have no job to go back to because he just started his job...etc.
Without me going into too much detail, this is another excuse to keep using. He's not ready.
I'm not sure what to do, I'm 20 years old, he is 27 and to me still acts like he's going on 20. I feel bad because I do come down hard on him when I really just try to point out the fact that we don't make enough money for him to go through 10 in one day (80$ down here!!) and we end up in a full blown fight, or with him telling me to shut up he doesn't need me *****ing at him "like I always do".
I just want to reach through this computer and give you a big :ghug3. You are so young and have so much ahead in your life to look forward to. Please educate yourself about addiction and do it quickly. The more you educate yourself on what it is you are dealing with the more willing you will be to accept what others on here may have to say to you.
I try to understand it's a disease but never having been myself I don't understand how one could get themselves into an addiction yet can't get themselves out. Can I have someone's input, or advice or... anything? Please?
Keep coming and posting. You'll see there is lots of support here. Try to get yourself involved in an Alanon or NaAnon meeting immediately and start working on support for yourself.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Welcome!!!
Yes, you are in the right section. No, I can't offer any explanation as to why your bf became an addict, hopefully at some time in the future he can figure that out himself.
I can offer my experience as an alcoholic/addict and codependent. Addicts and alcoholics and codependents don't seek recovery until the payoff of their actions are outweighed by the cost. How much of a cost is determined by the individual. In most cases-maybe I shouldn't use the word most-the cost has to be a lot greater than the payoff. So using you for an example, he owes you $1700. Would you stay if you went into debt to pay for the cost of his addiction, to lets say, $5000? $10000?
For him, the cost benefit analysis has little meaning, you are covering the cost for him. As long as you are covering his cost, he will stay, he will keep using drugs, unless he incurs some other serious hardship due to his use that you can't fix. Doesn't matter how much you complain, manipulate, plead or whatever. There's a lot of information on the subject of codependency in the stickies at the top of this forum.
Anyways, getting long winded.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Yes, you are in the right section. No, I can't offer any explanation as to why your bf became an addict, hopefully at some time in the future he can figure that out himself.
I can offer my experience as an alcoholic/addict and codependent. Addicts and alcoholics and codependents don't seek recovery until the payoff of their actions are outweighed by the cost. How much of a cost is determined by the individual. In most cases-maybe I shouldn't use the word most-the cost has to be a lot greater than the payoff. So using you for an example, he owes you $1700. Would you stay if you went into debt to pay for the cost of his addiction, to lets say, $5000? $10000?
For him, the cost benefit analysis has little meaning, you are covering the cost for him. As long as you are covering his cost, he will stay, he will keep using drugs, unless he incurs some other serious hardship due to his use that you can't fix. Doesn't matter how much you complain, manipulate, plead or whatever. There's a lot of information on the subject of codependency in the stickies at the top of this forum.
Anyways, getting long winded.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Lost)))
I am the mother of an addict, and I think I understand.
My son, is (or at least what I've come to know as my son as an adult) a very good person when he is satisfied. When he is not in withdrawal, he is the person I raised. See...its come to the point that he uses drugs to sustain, not to get high, and without them he can be a monster.
But what has happened is I have come to want to see "my son", and I have ignored the fact that without the drugs he can not be what I "want" him to be. We have done the dance way too long, and I have accepted the illusion way too often. It always turns out bad. The addict eventually comes to the surface, and the addict will stop at NOTHING... insults, lying, belittling, stealing to get its way.
You deserve better...start thinking about what you want out of life.
(((Hugs)))
I am the mother of an addict, and I think I understand.
My son, is (or at least what I've come to know as my son as an adult) a very good person when he is satisfied. When he is not in withdrawal, he is the person I raised. See...its come to the point that he uses drugs to sustain, not to get high, and without them he can be a monster.
But what has happened is I have come to want to see "my son", and I have ignored the fact that without the drugs he can not be what I "want" him to be. We have done the dance way too long, and I have accepted the illusion way too often. It always turns out bad. The addict eventually comes to the surface, and the addict will stop at NOTHING... insults, lying, belittling, stealing to get its way.
You deserve better...start thinking about what you want out of life.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Cessy,
I do understand your concern, but my children have no clue what goes on outside the perfect family and the spews that mom and 'dad' get into over the cleaning tooth brush being mixed in with my toothbrush. I love my family, including him. Honestly, I know how crappy it is to have how I am treated depend on if he has his pills or not; i live it day in and day out. I have had my cranky days, that nothing is going right and been hateful towards him... It's not when he's not high, it's when he's coming down and feeling ill.
I don't know how to feel towards him, I know I love him but I feel like an ATM machine a lot... and it gets REALLY really frustrating. Oh yea... I forgot to mention - he does actually have pain... he has this HUGE HUGE bump in the middle/lower area of his back which his doctor claims is due to a cracked tail bone but... not to worry humans lost the feeling of the tailbone long ago.
I do understand your concern, but my children have no clue what goes on outside the perfect family and the spews that mom and 'dad' get into over the cleaning tooth brush being mixed in with my toothbrush. I love my family, including him. Honestly, I know how crappy it is to have how I am treated depend on if he has his pills or not; i live it day in and day out. I have had my cranky days, that nothing is going right and been hateful towards him... It's not when he's not high, it's when he's coming down and feeling ill.
I don't know how to feel towards him, I know I love him but I feel like an ATM machine a lot... and it gets REALLY really frustrating. Oh yea... I forgot to mention - he does actually have pain... he has this HUGE HUGE bump in the middle/lower area of his back which his doctor claims is due to a cracked tail bone but... not to worry humans lost the feeling of the tailbone long ago.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Your children are being effected…in time maybe months from now, years from now you will know how when they share all about it and yes they will.
And you do know that you don’t have to lend him money at all…
And maybe even more important you seem to know exactly where the money is going … so maybe the question should be do you really want him to stop using, cause you seem to but then contradict that with giving him the cash to go out and buy drugs.
I always loved the contradiction, so angry that they use and yet actually giving them the money to do just that…
And I might be curious if I were you as to what type of guy he might be clean….him being really nice on pills well there is something so wrong in that.
I love that can’t go to rehab because of no job after …
Well lets see go to rehab and get help, or keep using and in time he won’t have a job anyway…the progression will always swing to worse, and worst and even after one can’t imagine it getting any worse, they will be proven wrong….oh and for you this will be the same…
The easiest way to understand what he is going through is to look at what you are…Cause I would bet, fear, obsession, chaos are running in your head and driving you…maybe just as the drug is driving him.
The best thing you can do is work on you, get some help for you as it isn’t about him…and that means looking at your actions not his, your excuses not his, the lies you are telling even if only to yourself cause they are the most important ones anyway…and if you really do the work, well then you will have all the answers you need and life will get better…
And you do know that you don’t have to lend him money at all…
And maybe even more important you seem to know exactly where the money is going … so maybe the question should be do you really want him to stop using, cause you seem to but then contradict that with giving him the cash to go out and buy drugs.
I always loved the contradiction, so angry that they use and yet actually giving them the money to do just that…
And I might be curious if I were you as to what type of guy he might be clean….him being really nice on pills well there is something so wrong in that.
I love that can’t go to rehab because of no job after …
Well lets see go to rehab and get help, or keep using and in time he won’t have a job anyway…the progression will always swing to worse, and worst and even after one can’t imagine it getting any worse, they will be proven wrong….oh and for you this will be the same…
The easiest way to understand what he is going through is to look at what you are…Cause I would bet, fear, obsession, chaos are running in your head and driving you…maybe just as the drug is driving him.
The best thing you can do is work on you, get some help for you as it isn’t about him…and that means looking at your actions not his, your excuses not his, the lies you are telling even if only to yourself cause they are the most important ones anyway…and if you really do the work, well then you will have all the answers you need and life will get better…
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Lost,
I have a recommendation for a book for you to read and how addiction affects the whole family..it's called... Reclaim Your Family from Addiction by Craig Nakken.
It is an eye opener on how this active addict (you husband) is affecting every human living being around him... even his children.
I have a recommendation for a book for you to read and how addiction affects the whole family..it's called... Reclaim Your Family from Addiction by Craig Nakken.
It is an eye opener on how this active addict (you husband) is affecting every human living being around him... even his children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
I've done it alone, and I know I personally do do a LOT better alone.. but, on the other hand I love him, a lot and would do everything for him. I know what I do is enabling and I know in the long run it's ruining his life but if I don't, his parents are anyways so either way.. he gets what he wants. I feel like I never get what I want, because of his addiction. I have to live the life of an addict, without being an addict. I don't personally think he does it to get high anymore, he does it to feel less sick, less pain but once the pain comes out, he cares very little about anything else but getting rid of the pain. Social Services have been involved because I stepped in when he was going to get full custody of his other daughter and have told me that it is fine... as long as I am there 100% of the time when my son and daughter are present. It has been a lot worst in the past, he just kind of plays it off like "well, if you don't give me what I want, I won't give you what you need (repayment of a portion of the money borrowed)" and, widdles me into the web he weaved.
This is the first time I have ever, ever been in a relationship with an addict; I'm not the bad boy type but when I first met him and still now he has his great moments. And yes... he is Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde.. I'll be the first to admit it, and I've told him the same thing, but I know the potential he does have to be such a loving and caring boyfriend. I'm lost, honestly I am... I know what should be done which is walk away and take my $1700 debt, but it's hard to walk away from him... like his exes say... he has a way with words and a way to trick you every single time that he changed.
This is the first time I have ever, ever been in a relationship with an addict; I'm not the bad boy type but when I first met him and still now he has his great moments. And yes... he is Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde.. I'll be the first to admit it, and I've told him the same thing, but I know the potential he does have to be such a loving and caring boyfriend. I'm lost, honestly I am... I know what should be done which is walk away and take my $1700 debt, but it's hard to walk away from him... like his exes say... he has a way with words and a way to trick you every single time that he changed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
I do understand your concern, but my children have no clue what goes on outside the perfect family and the spews that mom and 'dad' get into over the cleaning tooth brush being mixed in with my toothbrush. I love my family, including him.
Do you want these children to grow up and have the same types of relationship you're having now?
Try as hard as we do to tell our children how to live, what they do is follow out example. They become us. How healthy that is is up to you, keep in mind, they don't have any choices, you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
I do want him to quit, but either way I can let him run to his parents where he has to pay extra back, or go to his sick grandmother (she is on heart meds that cost her more than she even makes, yet.. he's her babyboy... so whatever he needs he gets). If I say no, he says well.. I guess I won't be able to pay you the $400 I promised you because then I'll have to give my parents extra money and its just easier for me to lend him money because either way he'll get it. I've exploded at him before about the way he treats me when I can't give him money, like.. Christmas is coming up and I'm doing christmas shopping, which.. he always convinces me to put it on the credit card or find other means.
His addiction is percocets, my addiction is the addict.
His addiction is percocets, my addiction is the addict.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The money, the money, how you manipulate him as well...
Can you rationalize and justify giving him money, knowing where it is going, knowing it isn't going to your children and their needs....
So what someone else will come in and enable that doesn't mean you have to...
And think if he dies on your dime, well damn how loving is that?
Can you rationalize and justify giving him money, knowing where it is going, knowing it isn't going to your children and their needs....
So what someone else will come in and enable that doesn't mean you have to...
And think if he dies on your dime, well damn how loving is that?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
I ensure my children have everything they need, and he has everything he needs..where's the me? I am very, very frustrated with that.. and I'd LOVE to know who he is when he's not addicted, honestly.. I would, because that would show me.. well, either he's worth waiting for him to either come to his senses, or... wow, you're a jerk c-ya later...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
I've done it alone, and I know I personally do do a LOT better alone.. but, on the other hand I love him, a lot and would do everything for him.
Does supplying him the drug and loving him to death apply here? Sweetie, we all love our addicts but to what extent will you love him too? Death? Or, detaching and letting him go so that he can feel the consequences of his addiction? I loved my RBF enough to let him go. He is now in rehab.
I know what I do is enabling and I know in the long run it's ruining his life but if I don't, his parents are anyways so either way.. he gets what he wants.
Then that's on is parents. It sounds like, if you aren't in control, then why should anyone else be?
I feel like I never get what I want, because of his addiction.
And, the reality is you never will until you make a change to no longer tolerate this behavior.
I have to live the life of an addict, without being an addict.
No you don't. You have choices. You have the choice to remove yourself from this situation.
I don't personally think he does it to get high anymore, he does it to feel less sick, less pain but once the pain comes out, he cares very little about anything else but getting rid of the pain.
Does it really matter why he does it? He does it and it's draining you and you are allowing it to.
Social Services have been involved because I stepped in when he was going to get full custody of his other daughter and have told me that it is fine... as long as I am there 100% of the time when my son and daughter are present.
No need for me to go any further here. If social services has gotten involved, remind me how your children aren't affected by his addiction again?
It has been a lot worst in the past, he just kind of plays it off like "well, if you don't give me what I want, I won't give you what you need (repayment of a portion of the money borrowed)" and, widdles me into the web he weaved.
I would laugh in his face. Do you think he will ever pay you back the money? He may have weaved the web, but where is your bug spray girlfriend??
This is the first time I have ever, ever been in a relationship with an addict; I'm not the bad boy type but when I first met him and still now he has his great moments. And yes... he is Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde.. I'll be the first to admit it, and I've told him the same thing, but I know the potential he does have to be such a loving and caring boyfriend.
You know he has the potential... how will he reach this potential if you continue to enable him... he will stay stuck. Also, why are you waiting on potential to come through? Are you in this relationship based off of potentials??
I'm lost, honestly I am... I know what should be done which is walk away and take my $1700 debt, but it's hard to walk away from him... like his exes say... he has a way with words and a way to trick you every single time that he changed.
Does supplying him the drug and loving him to death apply here? Sweetie, we all love our addicts but to what extent will you love him too? Death? Or, detaching and letting him go so that he can feel the consequences of his addiction? I loved my RBF enough to let him go. He is now in rehab.
I know what I do is enabling and I know in the long run it's ruining his life but if I don't, his parents are anyways so either way.. he gets what he wants.
Then that's on is parents. It sounds like, if you aren't in control, then why should anyone else be?
I feel like I never get what I want, because of his addiction.
And, the reality is you never will until you make a change to no longer tolerate this behavior.
I have to live the life of an addict, without being an addict.
No you don't. You have choices. You have the choice to remove yourself from this situation.
I don't personally think he does it to get high anymore, he does it to feel less sick, less pain but once the pain comes out, he cares very little about anything else but getting rid of the pain.
Does it really matter why he does it? He does it and it's draining you and you are allowing it to.
Social Services have been involved because I stepped in when he was going to get full custody of his other daughter and have told me that it is fine... as long as I am there 100% of the time when my son and daughter are present.
No need for me to go any further here. If social services has gotten involved, remind me how your children aren't affected by his addiction again?
It has been a lot worst in the past, he just kind of plays it off like "well, if you don't give me what I want, I won't give you what you need (repayment of a portion of the money borrowed)" and, widdles me into the web he weaved.
I would laugh in his face. Do you think he will ever pay you back the money? He may have weaved the web, but where is your bug spray girlfriend??
This is the first time I have ever, ever been in a relationship with an addict; I'm not the bad boy type but when I first met him and still now he has his great moments. And yes... he is Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde.. I'll be the first to admit it, and I've told him the same thing, but I know the potential he does have to be such a loving and caring boyfriend.
You know he has the potential... how will he reach this potential if you continue to enable him... he will stay stuck. Also, why are you waiting on potential to come through? Are you in this relationship based off of potentials??
I'm lost, honestly I am... I know what should be done which is walk away and take my $1700 debt, but it's hard to walk away from him... like his exes say... he has a way with words and a way to trick you every single time that he changed.
Listen, I want the best for you and trust me when I say this... there is no potential, no hope, no changes, no promises, no money back guarantees, no sex, no intimacy, no consistency with an active addict. It just doesn't happen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
how so do you figure I manipulate? I'm not understanding.. yes, I will admit, I do enable him... to keep the peace because I remember one time I had to call the police in to our apartment to escort him on a mad rave that he wanted money and I wasn't giving it to him. We are technically common-law, he's entitled to half of everything. On despiration to find his percocets, he has punched a rather large hole in my door, this was over a year ago and since have not told him "no" and stuck to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I've exploded at him before about the way he treats me when I can't give him money, like.. Christmas is coming up and I'm doing christmas shopping, which.. he always convinces me to put it on the credit card or find other means.
I do want him to quit, but either way I can let him run to his parents where he has to pay extra back, or go to his sick grandmother (she is on heart meds that cost her more than she even makes, yet.. he's her babyboy... so whatever he needs he gets).
I know what I do is enabling and I know in the long run it's ruining his life but if I don't, his parents are anyways so either way.. he gets what he wants. I feel like I never get what I want, because of his addiction.
Above are just a few statements pulled from your posts that show how you manipulate in return. I'm just responding to a question you asked.
I do want him to quit, but either way I can let him run to his parents where he has to pay extra back, or go to his sick grandmother (she is on heart meds that cost her more than she even makes, yet.. he's her babyboy... so whatever he needs he gets).
I know what I do is enabling and I know in the long run it's ruining his life but if I don't, his parents are anyways so either way.. he gets what he wants. I feel like I never get what I want, because of his addiction.
Above are just a few statements pulled from your posts that show how you manipulate in return. I'm just responding to a question you asked.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
I remember one time I had to call the police in to our apartment to escort him on a mad rave that he wanted money and I wasn't giving it to him. We are technically common-law, he's entitled to half of everything. On despiration to find his percocets, he has punched a rather large hole in my door, this was over a year ago and since have not told him "no" and stuck to it.
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