soconfusednow

Dear Lost, thank you for sharing your pain. I can identify with some of whats going on. God bless.

Also, Addiction, lies and relationships....Great essay and I swear, my husband is in there, in every line. And I know I was years ago, but it's all there, right in front of me. It's painful.
I'm pissed my best friend who has know he's had this disease for 30 years or so, wont fight. He knows he abuses this Sh**, and he promises never again, only to call his doctor and manipulate the whole darn scenario, month after month.

Thanks again everyone for sharing. I know I am not alone.

outtolunch

So you had your first child, at 16.

Your son's father subsequently kicked you and your son out.

Then you hooked up with your current guy, the drug addict, and had another baby, at 19.

Somehow, some way you have managed to accumulate some money.

What's the source of your income? Most 20 year olds can barely support themselves, let alone 2 children and have enough left over to support someone else's drug habit.

I am not being nosy, here. I do understand that women often rationalize relationships, when it is in their financial interests to do so. And yet, it seems that you are the one in the financial hole.

You stated early on that you are the GF of an addict and will remain so. I respect this. I trust you understand that addiction is progressive and the consequences to both the addict and family. Over time, he will need more and more every day to avoid being sick. Over time, odds favor he will likely find heroin cheaper and easier to acquire than his current DOC.

Just in case things do not turn out as you want, consider having an escape plan....where will you go and some serious cash stashed somewhere, where he cannot access it.

outtolunch

You, as most of us, were, one the Queens of Buts...a member of the Royal But Queen's Court ( said with a wink).

No one just wakes up one day weighing 400 pounds....it's all done in 5 pound increments until....whoa.

No one wakes up one day and injects heroin into his penis. It's a graual but steady descent into hell-o

The "it's not so bad" is delusional/ magical thinking.

LostInTheWorld

Hello,

As a working mother I make an average of 3000 a month - only 960 of this is contributed to bills + food. Every week we have a family day, and every week we go shopping at a store and the kids get 1 item they really wanted through out the week (the little one obviously can't chose) as long as they were good.

After careful consideration he has agreed to allow me to hold onto them and give them to him on a schedule keeping only three a day for now.

hello-kitty

Well keep us posted as to how that goes for you. In the meantime maybe you can attend some alanon or naranon meetings. Learn about boundaries and co-dependency and the like. You never know when you might want to stop trying to help him control his addiction and start focusing on making changes in your own life.

LostInTheWorld

In the past 2 years + I've seen him do better, and I've seen him do worst... it's an up and down world with him. One minute he's helping pay bills, the next he is borrowing more than he makes. I try to move forward with my life regardless of the situation I still am improving my life. The more I spend on bills, the less I have to give him...

Freedom1990

"No" is a complete sentence. It can apply to a child who wants a candy bar at the store, someone trying to sell something, or an addict asking for money.

I really do wish you well. It appears you are okay for the most part with the current situation.

LostInTheWorld

well, I try but always feel I need justification as to why.. even when those girls come around to sell chocolate (Which I have to kindly explain, oh I'm sorry.. I really can't eat chocolate).No doesn't come easily to me, which... is why my son is so out of control which in turns has my addict boyfriend doing more cause we've always got to try to set him in line which is not easy after 4 years of letting him run the roost.

incitingsilence

Of all you wrote Lost, it is the “who would want you anyway” that he told you that I can’t get out of my head…
Maybe because that is a classic line for an abuser. Hopefully you will never be the wall he punched, hopefully your children will not grow up emulating both of your actions…

One of the biggest reason we have to get well ourselves is because of our children. I don’t much care what adults want to live with they will in time learn, but many don’t seem to understand what they take and try to cope with is something most children can not….and if you think your head is a mess right now imagine what your children's are like….with children involved the whole dynamics is changed…You owe it to them to get well yourself and this is really about them, make it that way. They need their mother….

Go back and read all that you wrote, nothing else. Grab a pencil and some paper, she where you explained yourself, where you spoke of one thing and then totally contradicted yourself … One of the best most unused tools in this is reading our own words, something about it being out there concrete in a way…

Also you son is not, can not ever be a reason for why he uses, ever…You talked of that more than once, of your child’s behavior and how it makes him use more…now while he might need an excuse to make, it doesn’t have to be your son and yet you allow that, and trust me when I say this it will effect your child. He is old enough at 4 to be learning from what he is seeing and he is old enough to be effected….

LostInTheWorld

Starting to learn these ones on my own...(with your guys' words as well) he's a boyfriend that I've taken on pretty much like a 3rd kid. I think once I get the strength and will to do it.. he will be gone (right now i don't think I can do it, and if I do it and I'm not ready it won't stick). I've set up his jobs, I've gotten my licence to drive him around, I own a 3 bedroom place so that we can all have our own rooms, before I even needed it for my daughter because he has his son that I was also responsible for... I took on all his responsibility and I think once I get the strength to, it's going to be a choice of either he can seek help this time (for real....) or, get out of our lives. He's already been deemed that he has to be supervised visits with my daughter by social services, therefore hopefully if he choses to leave he'll think "well darn, I lost her, my daughter, my other kids... and now I have no one to bum money off". He's starting to burn his bridges with his mother by telling her he'll pay her back and then, not paying her back so, maybe she'll be smart enough to realize it's dumb to keep lending him money.

URMYEVERYTHING

You seem to have insight into mom "realizing it's dumb" to keep lending him money, however, you are lacking this insight for yourself. How come? What's the difference?

I'm just asking these questions to get you thinking... I'm not meaning to offend you.

tjp613

I doubt he will ever "choose to leave" -- why would he? If YOU choose to have him leave he might just hit bottom a little faster and face his demons without you there to blame or cushion his fall. That's the beauty of detachment and going 'no contact'. It accelerates the process for the addict (sooner is better than later) AND it gives you peace of mind and space to work on recovering yourself.

You're doing a great job of processing all this new info.... I know it's a lot to consider. You are so young but so smart and resourceful. Kudos to you m'dear.

LostInTheWorld

Urmyeverything, i already spoke to social services; the reason they were involved was MY choice. His other child's mother (who is a coke addict and is now pregnant for another child) was going to sign full custody of her daughter as she was losing her for not caring for her where he would be responsible to clothe, feed, bathe...etc his daughter 100% of the time when I intervened and said "No, he's my daughter's father, he is never left alone with my child because he is unfit to care for children". They agreed that it was fine for him to be involved, as long as he was not left with my daughter (which he never is, even when I go out for 5 minutes I pack up my daughter and she comes with me).

LostInTheWorld

urmyeverything, I lend him money because he does EVENTUALLY pay it back where as with his mother he had no intent to pay it back at all. He was down that he didn't owe me anything until his paycheck stopped between jobs (he left for a better job) and then it climbed back up to 2,000$. I think the main reason I'm so cheesed off right now is that in 2 days, he devoured 38 pills which just DOES not make sense to me (obviously because I'm not an addict, and never have been). I accepted the fact that 2-3 a day is really not horrible as long as he can support himself, and help support me but it hasn't been that way for quite some time. Like I said, I know he's in pain... and that the doctors will not do anything for him, 2-3 a day is what the doctors would prescribe to him if they were to give him an Rx. They claim that humans lost the feeling in the tailbone millions of years ago, but yet how is there a HUGE lump that really looks painful all throughout his back?? (cracked tailbone is what they say.) On one hand, I know he's addicted and I know he has no will power what so ever, on the other hand I know he's in pain.

hello-kitty

This is something you can work on about yourself. Are you up for the challenge?

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: Say No Without Feeling Guilty, Bad, or Embarrassed | Suite101.com

How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty, Bad or Embarassed
(Otherwise known as how to stop being a people pleaser)
Have you ever wondered how to stop being a people pleaser - or even what a people pleaser is? Look no further!

People pleasers tend to take responsibilities that aren't theirs, such as doing the dishes at home or preparing additional reports at work. People pleasers can't say no without feeling guilty. They don't know how to stop being people pleasers.

To Stop Being a People Pleaser, Know How it Begins
Sometimes people pleasers are expected to fulfill a need or a request that hasn’t even been made. Or, people pleasers step in and take responsibilities that aren’t theirs to begin with. Instead of jumping to fill a need, it would be healthier for people pleasers to say no without feeling guilty. To stop being people pleasers, they need to figure out where healthy boundaries begin and end. To stop being people pleasers, they need to say no without feeling guilty.

Knowing how to say no without guilt is a common problem for women, who are frequent people pleasers. Here's how to know if you're letting people trample your boundaries - and how to stop being a people pleaser.

Find Your Motivation
What's holding you back from saying no without feeling guilty? To learn how to stop being a people pleaser, it may help to look at your life objectively. For instance, I get up every morning at 5:30 am to make my husband’s oatmeal and set his lunch out so he can catch the 6:30 ferry to work in Vancouver. He’s never asked me to do this; it’s a choice I’ve made since the beginning of our marriage. I actually like doing it because it helps him, and after he leaves I write for a couple hours before I get ready for work – so it’s one of those win-win’s. I do it because I want to, which makes me feel I'm in control. I don't struggle with saying no without guilt in this area.

However, the thought of washing his oatmeal container when he comes home, or making his lunch, or ironing his clothes – all of those “wifely” tasks make me want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish (an Anne Lamott pearl of wisdom!). If I let myself be responsible for those chores I’ll feel angry, frustrated, and suffocated, not to mention bitter and resentful. Learning how to stop being a people pleaser involves insight into your own emotions.

3 Ways People Pleasers Can Set Healthy Boundaries
Learning how to say no without feeling guilty is a huge way to stop being a people pleaser.

1. To stop being a people pleaser, make deliberate choices. The trick is what you “let yourself” be responsible for – and you do have control. You can and should exercise your power of choice. If you choose to meet someone’s needs out of love or compassion (eg, I could give up running on vacation to ease my fellow traveler’s mind), then your boundaries aren’t invaded – and feelings of anger, frustration or resentment shouldn’t come into play. If they do, then you need to check your motivation. Instead of getting mad, practice saying no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need lots of practice!

2. To stop being a people pleaser, gain self-knowledge. Get and stay in touch with your “I’m not comfortable” feelings. If you feel bitter and resentful when you agree to take on extra work at home or work, then you need to be honest with the people involved. It's not their responsibility to protect your healthy boundaries; it's yours. Find another way to accomplish the task, and/or give the responsibility back to its rightful owner. I knew complying with my friend’s request – not exercising on vacation – would make me angry and resentful, so I didn’t quit running on the street. It wasn't easy but I said no without feeling guilty. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to know yourself.

3. To stop being a people pleaser, have courage. Saying no without feeling guilty can be difficult, especially when it involves people you love, work with, or have to travel with for another two weeks. But if saying yes makes you resentful or bitter, you need to learn how to say no without guilt – and you don’t have to explain why or offer excuses. A simple “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that,” will do. Ignore your guilt! I told my fellow traveler that I understand her concerns, but I really need to keep running for my physical, mental, and emotional health. People pleasers need to stand up for themselves. To stop being a people pleaser, you need to be strong.

To stop being a people pleaser, you must make conscious choices, dip into your self-knowledge, and have the courage say no without feeling guilty. Knowing how to stop being a people pleaser can be difficult, but it's better than feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy! Your relationships will be better in the long run -- and so will your mental health -- if you learn how to stop being a people pleaser.

Godsgirl

Hey Lost....from what I am reading...as far as your whole perception of the relationship with your addict....I was you 5 years ago.....with 2 kids...I have gone throught hell and high water. If it were not for my God and this site...the people who unconditionally give support and tough love advice...I really think I would be a lot worse off by now...its real people like Anvilhead, Cessy, SailorJohn and others who have given me the tough love (even when I was angry at the time after reading some of their replies)....that had gotten me to where I am now....nearly completely detached from my addict, the love of my life, I place all of my energy into me and my 2 children now. I rarely hear from or reply to any advances my addict makes to contact me....and I honestly feel that this is progress far from where I USED TO BE ..BUT NO MORE (letting him sleep at my house, loaning him money of anykind until his pay day, tolerating verbal abuse when he needed a fix that I refused to finance, and all the other stressful mental and physical health-altering crap that I have gone through)......so...I encourage you to keep coming here...get to support groups whereever you can.....take one day at a time...take care of and put you and your kids first all the time...you can do it...you can break the cycle.

Love, peace and a big hug.,
GG