Addict's Girlfriend
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I posted this on another thread... figured it would be helpful here as well. My bad, Inciting... I was getting excited. 
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl.
There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like ********. If it feels like ******** - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this ****.
An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ ******** meter should be flashing steady by now!
Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the ******** meter once again.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off **** to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl.
There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like ********. If it feels like ******** - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this ****.
An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ ******** meter should be flashing steady by now!
Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the ******** meter once again.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off **** to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
My life before him.. well, let me see.. I had a one year old, who was living away with my mother as a result of my son's father kicking us out with less than 8 hours notice and I had to find somewhere to stay (my mother and I don't get along when living under the same roof). I found a place to stay and get my feet on the ground... and, I did.. with his help. I was in a bachelors, which eventually I moved to a 1 bedroom that my son could atleast come and play in.. then I met him .. and we moved into this 3 bedroom (with coaxing from him stating that we could manage it....). At this point in time I was still naive and thought he was prescribed to percocets and he helped me when I was working shift work at looking after my children. He was pretty smart, his dad who has the same name as him is actually perscribed to percocets so he would always have pill bottles with his name on them. We actually did break up, and I had in the month that we broke up, with lavishing myself in some wonderful things I NEVER would have done when we were together, had near 2,000 extra in the bank and was doing well for myself, but still felt that he was missing and, was not happy at all anyways.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld 
We actually did break up, and I had in the month that we broke up, with lavishing myself in some wonderful things I NEVER would have done when we were together, had near 2,000 extra in the bank and was doing well for myself, but still felt that he was missing and, was not happy at all anyways.
That's something we are all on here wanting you to take a hard look at.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Also, he always makes me feel like *I* made it worst... like all those times I could have just shut up and let him make his decisions I made it worst. I didn't want the family to work, I wouldn't give him time, I wouldn't show him enough affection, my son is out of control leading him to do more... things like that. Not to mention the "Who's going to want you, with an out of control 4 year old, a new baby...etc". I don't know where to stand on that, just tonight I asked him "How do you figure it is fair to me, for you to have everything you want and me to have nothing? Knowing the financial situation ( I applied for a second credit card specifically for my son's dental work which is going to cost 2-3 thousand which I am responsible to pay... his father will not pay anything on it) that I am in?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 5
OMG Alot of this sounds so familiar. except the huge fighting. I am going threw almost same thing with my husband I can totally relate to you and what you are saying In regards to the mood swings, lies, how they blame you, the threats. Money goes quick when your with someone on drugs. .
I wish I had advice to give you cuz I would give it to myself. I kicked my husband out finally a week ago. This is the first time. But it just wasnt healthy for anyone in the home. I have 6 kids, I am 30 years old and have so many health problems that have just come up in the past 7 months. He seems to be realizing it all now. But we still have such a long long way to go. Who knows if this realization he has had will continue even another day or week anything.
I really hope you figure things out. But Having him there is not good for any of you. I thought it would kill me to let my husband go and dont get me wrong I cry and it hurts but. Sometimes I can sit here and just feel like a weight has been lifted. I dont have to follow him around making sure he dosent steal. I dont have to cringe when he goes into the bathroom and u know what he is doing in there.
My husband is so wonderful the best dad the best husband as you said you bf is great. so I understand how this is so damn confusing.
I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you often.
I wish I had advice to give you cuz I would give it to myself. I kicked my husband out finally a week ago. This is the first time. But it just wasnt healthy for anyone in the home. I have 6 kids, I am 30 years old and have so many health problems that have just come up in the past 7 months. He seems to be realizing it all now. But we still have such a long long way to go. Who knows if this realization he has had will continue even another day or week anything.
I really hope you figure things out. But Having him there is not good for any of you. I thought it would kill me to let my husband go and dont get me wrong I cry and it hurts but. Sometimes I can sit here and just feel like a weight has been lifted. I dont have to follow him around making sure he dosent steal. I dont have to cringe when he goes into the bathroom and u know what he is doing in there.
My husband is so wonderful the best dad the best husband as you said you bf is great. so I understand how this is so damn confusing.
I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you often.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
Thank you ttsp and all others that have tried to help this evening.. ttsp - we have broken up for 2 months sometimes in the past and he's come back saying he changed, he knows, he loves, he understands... and its great, for a week.. then the money borrowing, the fighting, the not caring... all comes back again. I love him so much, I just want him to see how much it really does hurt me. He says "How does it hurt, you do eventually get your money, right?" Well.. eventually doesn't cover the bills that are due (mind you, I stash money for that that he knows nothing of)... It doesn't help that I feel like a personal ATM machine taking each hit of lost money for him, it doesn't help that I have to postpone things I want until god knows when... it doesn't help when all you want is to have a crumby little house for the kids to play in, and a car to get to and fro, because those bills never wait... wait too long and you lose them! I don't know, he manipulates and I let him.. apparently I manipulate but either way he doesn't let me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
The kids constantly hear us fighting because I'm tired of living the life of a drug addict, without being a drug addict
With all due respect, you responded to me by saying the kids are NOT being affected---- yet here is what you said in the initial post. Furthermore, all I said was an unhealthy mom, makes for unhealthy kids.
I think you are hypersensitive to the issue of your children, because YOU already KNOW that this IS affecting them.
Just a thought.
Until you see, you will continue to justify why you stay, just as he justifys why he abuses drugs.
By the way, I'm still learning to......... it does take some time, So please understand, I mean what I say here in a loving, dose of reality, kinda way. It's been one of the few things that have helped me.... (being told honestly to look at what I am unwilling to see).
Love,
Cess
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm a recovering addict married but separated from an active addict with 7kids together. kids understand more than we sometimes give them credit for.
i think it manipulation too or should i say blackmailing. "if you don't buy me drugs then im m not gonna pay you what i owe you" or "i'll go to my parents", well i think it might be a good idea to cut your losses and let him get it from his parents, at least you don't have to lose even more money.
my husband and brother use to say the same things to me but i loved them too much to help them kill themselves. i'm sorry and don't mean to be harsh but i care about the pain that you are in. you supplying him with drugs is helping him to his grave.
"manipulation"- imo, sounds like he is tricking you into believing that have to supply his drugs or else. now, do you think he's gonna stick around after he's drained you dry? he's an addict and he will probably tell you anything and everything he can think of to keep you supplying his drugs.
his addiction WILL get so much worse. please think about what you are doing here. you are so young and you deserve so much more. i would hate to see you and your kids suffer as much me and mine have in trying to live like a addict even though i don't use drugs. my kids are adults now and now after 23 yrs of this, i can see how they were affected and i thought i was doing all i could to protect them.
please don't be offended by what i'm trying to say, i care so much. i was a young woman loving and trying to stand by the man i loved only to find myself an old grey headed woman 23yrs later alone and nearly insane before i had to let go and learn how to focus on taking care of me.
you never know, you not supplying his habit may be just what it will take for him to hit a bottom and decide that he wants help for himself. i'm praying for you and your family.
i think it manipulation too or should i say blackmailing. "if you don't buy me drugs then im m not gonna pay you what i owe you" or "i'll go to my parents", well i think it might be a good idea to cut your losses and let him get it from his parents, at least you don't have to lose even more money.
my husband and brother use to say the same things to me but i loved them too much to help them kill themselves. i'm sorry and don't mean to be harsh but i care about the pain that you are in. you supplying him with drugs is helping him to his grave.
"manipulation"- imo, sounds like he is tricking you into believing that have to supply his drugs or else. now, do you think he's gonna stick around after he's drained you dry? he's an addict and he will probably tell you anything and everything he can think of to keep you supplying his drugs.
his addiction WILL get so much worse. please think about what you are doing here. you are so young and you deserve so much more. i would hate to see you and your kids suffer as much me and mine have in trying to live like a addict even though i don't use drugs. my kids are adults now and now after 23 yrs of this, i can see how they were affected and i thought i was doing all i could to protect them.
please don't be offended by what i'm trying to say, i care so much. i was a young woman loving and trying to stand by the man i loved only to find myself an old grey headed woman 23yrs later alone and nearly insane before i had to let go and learn how to focus on taking care of me.
you never know, you not supplying his habit may be just what it will take for him to hit a bottom and decide that he wants help for himself. i'm praying for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by LostInTheWorld
I ensure my children have everything they need...
Do they have STABILITY?
Do they have SECURITY?
Do they have CONSISTENCY?
Do they have parents with GOOD MENTAL HEALTH?
Your choices could provide them with all these things. But currently the choices you are making do not.
They do not have everything they need. They have very few of the things they need: Food and shelter and clothing.
There is so much more to raising a child than food and shelter and clothing.
And "Love" doesn't look like this environment where one parent sucks the attention and money out of the household and causes chaos, conflict, and financial ruin, and the other parent allows the children to grow up in this environment.
CLMI
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Can I interject for a moment? I know that all of the comments on this thread have been well-intentioned, however...
This poor girl is 20 years old, has two very young children, and an husband with an addiction problem, and is probably feeling stressed, overwhelmed, sad, scared, and has come here to feel a little less alone, and I feel like this thread has turned into an attack on her, rather than support and empathy. I think that EVERYONE on this board has made their share of bad choices in life, and I think maybe it would benefit everyone to remember that before being too judgemental. Yes, from a distance it is easy to say "This is all a result of your own bad choices" but up close things are not always so easy, as most of know well, and "tough love" is not always the answer.
This poor girl is 20 years old, has two very young children, and an husband with an addiction problem, and is probably feeling stressed, overwhelmed, sad, scared, and has come here to feel a little less alone, and I feel like this thread has turned into an attack on her, rather than support and empathy. I think that EVERYONE on this board has made their share of bad choices in life, and I think maybe it would benefit everyone to remember that before being too judgemental. Yes, from a distance it is easy to say "This is all a result of your own bad choices" but up close things are not always so easy, as most of know well, and "tough love" is not always the answer.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
So sorry that you are here and that you are going through this.
What I "hear" in your posts is alot of ".....but its not THAT bad....he really is a nice guy....potential to be...."
I am sure that it is that bad. When I first came here people told me that it will get worse, he will steal from you, he will lie, he will do anything he has to for his DOC, and he just isnt ready to stop.
ALL OF THAT WAS TRUE. I kept saying but but but but.....Alot like what you are saying. And the sad fact is that everything that people said here happened. He did steal from me he lied about his drug use and sad but true it was all for his drugs. This was all AFTER I asked him to leave.
As a mother and as the only sane person in the scenerio I had to make the choice to walk away from someone that I loved deeply to save us. Today it was the best thing I could have done for me and my kids.
The only thing that I can tell you to do is to read, read, read, educate yourself and when you are strong enough and wise enough you will make the right decision to do what is best.
Living with active addiction will eventually drag you down to the pits of total despair.
What I "hear" in your posts is alot of ".....but its not THAT bad....he really is a nice guy....potential to be...."
I am sure that it is that bad. When I first came here people told me that it will get worse, he will steal from you, he will lie, he will do anything he has to for his DOC, and he just isnt ready to stop.
ALL OF THAT WAS TRUE. I kept saying but but but but.....Alot like what you are saying. And the sad fact is that everything that people said here happened. He did steal from me he lied about his drug use and sad but true it was all for his drugs. This was all AFTER I asked him to leave.
As a mother and as the only sane person in the scenerio I had to make the choice to walk away from someone that I loved deeply to save us. Today it was the best thing I could have done for me and my kids.
The only thing that I can tell you to do is to read, read, read, educate yourself and when you are strong enough and wise enough you will make the right decision to do what is best.
Living with active addiction will eventually drag you down to the pits of total despair.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Someone here posted this article (below) and I thought it was one of the best I've ever read. You may want to take a look at your boyfriend's behavior and compare it to what is here.
Also, HBO did a series on addiction that is amazing in its content -- all the latest information on the illness and effectiveness of treatment. Please spend some time perusing the articles here: HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction
EDUCATION ABOUT THE NATURE OF ADDICTION IS IMPERATIVE if you are involved with an addict/alcoholic, otherwise it just looks like insanity.
================================================
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry à and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial à but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.
First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.
Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.
In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "IÇll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"
The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. YouÇll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again à and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addictÇs sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addictÇs behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process.
As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships.
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Also, HBO did a series on addiction that is amazing in its content -- all the latest information on the illness and effectiveness of treatment. Please spend some time perusing the articles here: HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction
EDUCATION ABOUT THE NATURE OF ADDICTION IS IMPERATIVE if you are involved with an addict/alcoholic, otherwise it just looks like insanity.
================================================
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry à and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.
Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial à but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.
The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest.
First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.
Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.
The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:
Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.
Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one.
In treatment and rehabilitation centers this personal exceptionalism is commonly called "terminal uniqueness." The individual in the grip of this delusion is able to convince himself though not always others that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior, rules and norms that he himself concurs with when it comes to other people, do not fairly or fully fit himself at the present time and hence must be bent or stretched just sufficiently to make room for his special needs. In most cases this plea for accommodation is acknowledged to be a temporary one and accompanied by a pledge or plan to return to the conventional "rules of engagement" as soon as circumstances permit. This is the basic mindset of "IÇll quit tomorrow" and "If you had the problems I do youÇd drink and drug, too!"
The personal exceptionalism of the addict, along with his willingness to lie both by commission and omission in the protection and furtherance of his addiction, place a severe strain upon his relationships with others. It does not usually take those who are often around the addict long to conclude that he simply cannot be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction. He may swear that he is clean and sober and intends to stay that way when in fact he is under the influence or planning to become so at the first opportunity; he may minimize or conceal the amount of substance consumed; and he may make up all manner of excuses and alibis whose usually transparent purpose is to provide his addiction the room it requires to continue operating.
One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. YouÇll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again à and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "IÇm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addictÇs sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addictÇs behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process.
As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships.
In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.
At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else. Someone who is deluded in the belief that he is the target of a worldwide conspiracy by some organization will always be able to answer any rational objection to his theory in a fashion that preserves the integrity of his belief system. Even when he is presented with hard and fast data that unequivocally disproves some of his allegations, he will easily find a way to sidestep the contradiction and persist in his false beliefs. (He can for example easily claim that the contradictory data is itself part of the conspiracy and is expressly fabricated for the purpose of making him look crazy! Anyone who has ever tried -uselessly- to reason with delusional patients knows the remarkable creativity and ingenuity that can be displayed in maintaining the viability, at least to the patient, of the most bizarre and obviously erroneous beliefs.)
The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Oh believe me, I understand having a child in that sort of dysfunction.
My oldest daughter lived the first 8 years of her life with the insanity of addiction.
She's 31 now, and an active addict/alcoholic herself. She picks the same kind of men that I used to.
Both of her children have now lived with the insanity of addiction.
It's a legacy that gets passed on from generation to generation if the cycle isn't stopped.
Ultimately we all have to live with our own decisions, and look at ourselves in the mirror at the end of the day, no?
My oldest daughter lived the first 8 years of her life with the insanity of addiction.
She's 31 now, and an active addict/alcoholic herself. She picks the same kind of men that I used to.
Both of her children have now lived with the insanity of addiction.
It's a legacy that gets passed on from generation to generation if the cycle isn't stopped.
Ultimately we all have to live with our own decisions, and look at ourselves in the mirror at the end of the day, no?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by cessy68
With all due respect, you responded to me by saying the kids are NOT being affected---- yet here is what you said in the initial post. Furthermore, all I said was an unhealthy mom, makes for unhealthy kids.
I think you are hypersensitive to the issue of your children, because YOU already KNOW that this IS affecting them.
Just a thought.
Until you see, you will continue to justify why you stay, just as he justifys why he abuses drugs.
I think you are hypersensitive to the issue of your children, because YOU already KNOW that this IS affecting them.
Just a thought.
Until you see, you will continue to justify why you stay, just as he justifys why he abuses drugs.
Brilliant Cess....So well put....
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