Some guidance please
Certifiable Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New England Town
Posts: 29
Some guidance please
Hi. I have been with addict hubby since 1991. I have been sober for 6 years.
Hubby is on suboxone and ritalin and ambian. When he was on the suboxone, he was doing just fine. Then he was tired, which was legit as it is an opiate.
His doctor prescribed him Ritalin..then the ambian. It's a mess. He has no coping skills and seems to be dealing with alot of childhood trauma issues.
Severe neglect and abandonment.
For the last six months or so, he has been abusing his ritalin..snorting it, of course denying it, while I clean his pockets and find handmade straws, powder residue on counter in bathroom. I mean, Im a recovering addict, Im not stupid.
Last month, he did so many pills, after he finished them, he slept on the couch for 4 days and missed work and we lost alot of money. He promised he would take me with him to his addiction doctor and he would tell the truth, well, guess what? He went without me, and he is on the ritalin again.
THere is so much involved here. Enabling, co-dependancy, all those issues. It's a mess...and when he comes down off that stuff, he is the man I fell in love with. We have a teenage daughter also, and she is being affected.
I plan on printing up separation papers, and handing them to him. He is of the type to say, Im not leaving, you can leave. Any advice here...we live in NH.
Im tired and angry and frustrated and trying to take care of my own recovery. There is no where i can go with my daughter til he gets his act together, if he ever does. Do I go to his doctor? He'll just find another one.
Im very confused and we have a bond. He is my best friend. We have been through so much together and when he is sober, we have fun. But his best friend now is ritalin, I fear.
Any advice and experiences to share? I know he's not going to stop, and the cycle will continue. I want him out of the house til he gets better and not sure how to go about this.
Thanks for being here for me. Im devastated and fear I will wake up one day to find my husband dead.
Hubby is on suboxone and ritalin and ambian. When he was on the suboxone, he was doing just fine. Then he was tired, which was legit as it is an opiate.
His doctor prescribed him Ritalin..then the ambian. It's a mess. He has no coping skills and seems to be dealing with alot of childhood trauma issues.
Severe neglect and abandonment.
For the last six months or so, he has been abusing his ritalin..snorting it, of course denying it, while I clean his pockets and find handmade straws, powder residue on counter in bathroom. I mean, Im a recovering addict, Im not stupid.
Last month, he did so many pills, after he finished them, he slept on the couch for 4 days and missed work and we lost alot of money. He promised he would take me with him to his addiction doctor and he would tell the truth, well, guess what? He went without me, and he is on the ritalin again.
THere is so much involved here. Enabling, co-dependancy, all those issues. It's a mess...and when he comes down off that stuff, he is the man I fell in love with. We have a teenage daughter also, and she is being affected.
I plan on printing up separation papers, and handing them to him. He is of the type to say, Im not leaving, you can leave. Any advice here...we live in NH.
Im tired and angry and frustrated and trying to take care of my own recovery. There is no where i can go with my daughter til he gets his act together, if he ever does. Do I go to his doctor? He'll just find another one.
Im very confused and we have a bond. He is my best friend. We have been through so much together and when he is sober, we have fun. But his best friend now is ritalin, I fear.
Any advice and experiences to share? I know he's not going to stop, and the cycle will continue. I want him out of the house til he gets better and not sure how to go about this.
Thanks for being here for me. Im devastated and fear I will wake up one day to find my husband dead.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi soconfusednow..
Welcome to SR.
Congratulations on your recovery. Its great to hear that you've been sober for 6 years. Thats a huge accomplishment...and you should be so proud !
As a recovering addict, I'm sure you must realize that your husband isn't going to quit just because you want him to. You're right when you say there is no point in you going with him to a doctor because an addict will find a way to use no matter what we do. You probably know this 'logically' but it sounds like your heart is on a different page.
Try, if you can, to take your focus off him and what he is doing. If you need serenity and peace in your life, your going to have to make some changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm glad your here. Lots of great support here...The addict in my life is my exhusband...I know how hard it is...and how scary it is...
Sometimes, its nice to know you aren't alone and that there are people out there who 'get it'. I hope your find the same support and strength I've been fortuante enough to find here.
Welcome again...
Welcome to SR.
Congratulations on your recovery. Its great to hear that you've been sober for 6 years. Thats a huge accomplishment...and you should be so proud !
As a recovering addict, I'm sure you must realize that your husband isn't going to quit just because you want him to. You're right when you say there is no point in you going with him to a doctor because an addict will find a way to use no matter what we do. You probably know this 'logically' but it sounds like your heart is on a different page.
Try, if you can, to take your focus off him and what he is doing. If you need serenity and peace in your life, your going to have to make some changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm glad your here. Lots of great support here...The addict in my life is my exhusband...I know how hard it is...and how scary it is...
Sometimes, its nice to know you aren't alone and that there are people out there who 'get it'. I hope your find the same support and strength I've been fortuante enough to find here.
Welcome again...
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Seeking support is an excellent first step! I'm sorry you are pulled back into the addiction dance. As you know from your own battle with addiction, your husband won't stop until he has had enough.
Have you considered Alanon or Naranon meetings? It might be helpful for your daughter too. Keep reading and posting - lots of great support here.
Have you considered Alanon or Naranon meetings? It might be helpful for your daughter too. Keep reading and posting - lots of great support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Hello So Confused and Welcome to SR!
My situation is a little different as I wasn't married to my then ABF. Kicking him out was the only option but that is because he was staying with me. This is my condo and I own it without his name on it. I think for your situation, if you are considering him to leave, that you seek legal counsel. You can always go the route of calling child protective services and they will remove him from the home but that may cause more drama than you are willing to bring into your life. However, if you feel your child is in danger with his drug use, leaving drugs around the house, etc. then do not hesitate to protect your daughter and yourself from his toxic behavior.
I hope this helps some. Keep coming back. There will plenty of other people to come by and lend you support during this difficult time. (((HUGS))):praying
Originally Posted by soconfusednow 
Hi. I have been with addict hubby since 1991. I have been sober for 6 years.
First, congrats on your 6 years clean!! This must be tough to be in a situation where your recovery is compromised every day. So, this just shows what strength you have even when you feel you have none.
Hubby is on suboxone and ritalin and ambian. When he was on the suboxone, he was doing just fine. Then he was tired, which was legit as it is an opiate.
His doctor prescribed him Ritalin..then the ambian. It's a mess. He has no coping skills and seems to be dealing with alot of childhood trauma issues.
Severe neglect and abandonment.
These are issues that can only be dealt with by a professional. Even when he has sobered up, he will need extensive counseling to deal with these issues. However, don't let his past hx of abandonment and neglect pull at you as being the one responsible to not leave him when everyone in his life has. I know this is the first go to and the reason probably why you stay. It's not your responsibility to fix this.
For the last six months or so, he has been abusing his ritalin..snorting it, of course denying it, while I clean his pockets and find handmade straws, powder residue on counter in bathroom. I mean, Im a recovering addict, Im not stupid.
Last month, he did so many pills, after he finished them, he slept on the couch for 4 days and missed work and we lost alot of money. He promised he would take me with him to his addiction doctor and he would tell the truth, well, guess what? He went without me, and he is on the ritalin again.
THere is so much involved here. Enabling, co-dependancy, all those issues. It's a mess...and when he comes down off that stuff, he is the man I fell in love with. We have a teenage daughter also, and she is being affected.
He is only sober and that man you fell in love with for a nano second and then he is back on the grind of using again. Your daughter is the most important in this equation at this time. Yes, your husband is important as well, however, he's self absorbed right now, your daughter is not.
I plan on printing up separation papers, and handing them to him. He is of the type to say, Im not leaving, you can leave. Any advice here...we live in NH.
Getting a lawyer is always the best way to go. They will give you your options and proper legal advice you will need to protect yourself and your finances in this situation.
Im tired and angry and frustrated and trying to take care of my own recovery. There is no where i can go with my daughter til he gets his act together, if he ever does. Do I go to his doctor? He'll just find another one.
As selfish as it may feel and as impatient as I may be, I have realized that with my RBF, his recovery is number one and I have no right to interfere with that. With that being said, your recovery is number one, over your husband and your daughter. Without your own recovery being solid, the very person you have worked to keep sober for 6 years will fall. There may not be anywhere for you to go now... but work on a plan in 3-4 months from now to go somewhere.... work on saving money... talk openly with your daughter on what is going on and figure out your own exit strategy if this is what you feel is needed. Protect yourself and your daughter first. Your husband will be okay. Do you go to his doctor?? Yeah, I agree with another poster.... he'll just find another one. That is energy going to a cause that will cause more heartache and disappointment.
Im very confused and we have a bond. He is my best friend. We have been through so much together and when he is sober, we have fun. But his best friend now is ritalin, I fear.
Your fear is confirmed... Ritalin is his BF. Your BF may still be in there but masked by addiction. Being sober, as you know, is a process and he sounds like he has a long way to go to be somewhat that person you fell in love with.
Any advice and experiences to share? I know he's not going to stop, and the cycle will continue. I want him out of the house til he gets better and not sure how to go about this.
Thanks for being here for me. Im devastated and fear I will wake up one day to find my husband dead.
First, congrats on your 6 years clean!! This must be tough to be in a situation where your recovery is compromised every day. So, this just shows what strength you have even when you feel you have none.
Hubby is on suboxone and ritalin and ambian. When he was on the suboxone, he was doing just fine. Then he was tired, which was legit as it is an opiate.
His doctor prescribed him Ritalin..then the ambian. It's a mess. He has no coping skills and seems to be dealing with alot of childhood trauma issues.
Severe neglect and abandonment.
These are issues that can only be dealt with by a professional. Even when he has sobered up, he will need extensive counseling to deal with these issues. However, don't let his past hx of abandonment and neglect pull at you as being the one responsible to not leave him when everyone in his life has. I know this is the first go to and the reason probably why you stay. It's not your responsibility to fix this.
For the last six months or so, he has been abusing his ritalin..snorting it, of course denying it, while I clean his pockets and find handmade straws, powder residue on counter in bathroom. I mean, Im a recovering addict, Im not stupid.
Last month, he did so many pills, after he finished them, he slept on the couch for 4 days and missed work and we lost alot of money. He promised he would take me with him to his addiction doctor and he would tell the truth, well, guess what? He went without me, and he is on the ritalin again.
THere is so much involved here. Enabling, co-dependancy, all those issues. It's a mess...and when he comes down off that stuff, he is the man I fell in love with. We have a teenage daughter also, and she is being affected.
He is only sober and that man you fell in love with for a nano second and then he is back on the grind of using again. Your daughter is the most important in this equation at this time. Yes, your husband is important as well, however, he's self absorbed right now, your daughter is not.
I plan on printing up separation papers, and handing them to him. He is of the type to say, Im not leaving, you can leave. Any advice here...we live in NH.
Getting a lawyer is always the best way to go. They will give you your options and proper legal advice you will need to protect yourself and your finances in this situation.
Im tired and angry and frustrated and trying to take care of my own recovery. There is no where i can go with my daughter til he gets his act together, if he ever does. Do I go to his doctor? He'll just find another one.
As selfish as it may feel and as impatient as I may be, I have realized that with my RBF, his recovery is number one and I have no right to interfere with that. With that being said, your recovery is number one, over your husband and your daughter. Without your own recovery being solid, the very person you have worked to keep sober for 6 years will fall. There may not be anywhere for you to go now... but work on a plan in 3-4 months from now to go somewhere.... work on saving money... talk openly with your daughter on what is going on and figure out your own exit strategy if this is what you feel is needed. Protect yourself and your daughter first. Your husband will be okay. Do you go to his doctor?? Yeah, I agree with another poster.... he'll just find another one. That is energy going to a cause that will cause more heartache and disappointment.
Im very confused and we have a bond. He is my best friend. We have been through so much together and when he is sober, we have fun. But his best friend now is ritalin, I fear.
Your fear is confirmed... Ritalin is his BF. Your BF may still be in there but masked by addiction. Being sober, as you know, is a process and he sounds like he has a long way to go to be somewhat that person you fell in love with.
Any advice and experiences to share? I know he's not going to stop, and the cycle will continue. I want him out of the house til he gets better and not sure how to go about this.
Thanks for being here for me. Im devastated and fear I will wake up one day to find my husband dead.
I hope this helps some. Keep coming back. There will plenty of other people to come by and lend you support during this difficult time. (((HUGS))):praying
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, sorry you are going through this and congrats on your sobriety. i too am a recovering addict married but separated to an active addict. i don't have an advice on how to get your husband to leave, but i do understand you wanting to protect yourself and your daughter.
i had to separate from my husband, trying to live with his addiction was literally driving me insane and it made my own struggle with addiction that much harder. they say its easier for him to pull you down than for you to pull him up. the choice is yuor but you and your daughter can have a more stable life even if he's not quite ready to stop yet.you and your family are in my prayers.
i had to separate from my husband, trying to live with his addiction was literally driving me insane and it made my own struggle with addiction that much harder. they say its easier for him to pull you down than for you to pull him up. the choice is yuor but you and your daughter can have a more stable life even if he's not quite ready to stop yet.you and your family are in my prayers.
Certifiable Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New England Town
Posts: 29
Thank you so much for everyone's suggestions and kind words, I really appreciate it.
I am so tired of doing this dance. I know I have issues myself, but I dont use, no matter what. I feel myself hating him, despising him and I know it's the disease that Im angry with. But hubby just doesnt care. He lies and manipulates. His defense is, it's his body, he works, cleans cooks, does this and that...so, if he wants to abuse his drugs he can.....
In about a week or so, he will come down, lay on the couch and come down from his two week high. He'll be remorseful, make promises and all that. Im sick of it. His body can only take so much, and my heart is dying.
It's still early and I need to gather my thoughts, but Ill write more later. I know I'm fighting a losing battle, and where there is love, there is hope. But, he's not stepping up to the plate, and I need to back away.
Have a great day everyone. Thanks for being there for me. Such insight on this board, such clarity. Perhaps it's the experience's of others who have walked before me.
I am so tired of doing this dance. I know I have issues myself, but I dont use, no matter what. I feel myself hating him, despising him and I know it's the disease that Im angry with. But hubby just doesnt care. He lies and manipulates. His defense is, it's his body, he works, cleans cooks, does this and that...so, if he wants to abuse his drugs he can.....
In about a week or so, he will come down, lay on the couch and come down from his two week high. He'll be remorseful, make promises and all that. Im sick of it. His body can only take so much, and my heart is dying.
It's still early and I need to gather my thoughts, but Ill write more later. I know I'm fighting a losing battle, and where there is love, there is hope. But, he's not stepping up to the plate, and I need to back away.
Have a great day everyone. Thanks for being there for me. Such insight on this board, such clarity. Perhaps it's the experience's of others who have walked before me.
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