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need advice from mothers

Old 10-04-2009, 06:28 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks UR. I will try to put that in to perspective. Talked to him tonite. He's sad and remoresful. Said he's going to put himself into Dacco, long term treatment. I told him to take control of his own life. He feels it's hopeless. I told him he can do this, but he has to do it alone,make his own choice to get better, otherwise he'll be dead by 35. Life goes by so fast. One year, or six months in treatment is a blink of an eye in life. I'm getting stronger. Tomorrow will be another day.
Thank you
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Old 10-04-2009, 07:23 PM
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My goodness little mother- you have gotten to the core of it. From one mother to another, allow me to give an excerpt from Addict in the Family by Beverly Conyers:

"Families suffer a great deal of fear when a loved one succumbs to addiction.... If the addict is a parent, they fear for the well-being of the addict's children. And almost universally, they fear for the addict's life."

"One father put it succinctly: 'We're afraid our daughter is going to die.'"

"Another parent said, "We were convinced they were going to find her body in a Dumpster someday.'"

"A mother said of her son, 'My biggest fear is that he'll end up living on the streets, that he'll become one of those bums you see lying in a doorway somewhere, that people will just step over him like he's a piece of trash.'"

"A sister of an alcoholic told me, 'I'm afraid he's going to kill somebody when he's out there driving around out of his mind. I don't think my parents could handle that.'"



How do you get over it? That's your journey. But i can say that for me the fear is less than it was and does not compel me to move me into actions that make it easier for my son to use. I kept coming back - coming back to Alanon meetings, coming back to this site, reading helpful books for me, praying the Serenity Prayer, saying the slogans of Alanon. Slowly, surely that fear started to take a back seat in my life. It does not mean that i do not love my addict son or that i would not miss him terribly were he to die.

So keep coming back because there's enough of that priceless serenity for you, too.
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Old 10-04-2009, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Maggiemac View Post
I I loved him with all my heart he was my only child
Praying for you...and hoping for myself.
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:33 AM
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For me the sadness came when i accepted the truth of our situation. I had been in denial for so long that i could fix my AS. once i realized i couldnt i went through a period of grief. What i knew during that time was that it would pass - i just kept reminding myself that it would and kept putting it in HP's hands. I still have times of sadness - sadness for the lost hopes and dreams that i had for my son but now i try to remember that its not about my hopes and dreams its about his. so i try to focus on the good. instead of trying to get him clean i try to support him when he does something good (yes it can be few and far between). its had some very positive affects on him and me. I dont know if it will last when my son comes home but it has been helpful in his recovery. i've found that my AS's guilt over the things he's done was one of the biggest things that was triggering his usage, so i decided that the last thing he needed was more guilt from me lecturing him. Now i'm free to just be his mom and to just love him because he's my son and not base my love on what he does.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:20 AM
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Hugs to you Kellster - this is not the group we thought we would be joining while we were raising our children - but, since we are here at this point in time in our lives, you will find great experience, strength and hope on these boards. My daughter, 25 has been using some type of substance for the last 10 years. Right now, she is 4 months C&S -- I try not to think about the negative and try to stay present and Take One Day At a Time.. I also try to put my needs and happiness in the forefront and not let her life be my focus. Even now, I still find her behavior problematic - but she is still maturing out of her previous lifestyle, which I suppose is unchartered territory...
George Carlin said --
Just because the monkey is off your back, it doesn't mean the circus has left town!
Stay strong..
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:43 PM
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Winnie, that's so true about the guilt. I know how horrible he feels when he gets clean and thinks about the damage he's done. It's a vicious cycle. My heart breaks for him.Thanks for the kind words.
Peacetrain, no, we never thought play groups would turn into support groups! I'm happy your daughter is clean and pray she stays that way. I appreciate your advice .
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Old 10-07-2009, 11:56 AM
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Kellster,
I just wish i could hug you right now.
I too, know exactly how you feel. We struggled for over 1 1/2 years with my 20 year old to overcome his addiction. Some of you that have posted probably remember my panic and fear. My son went from a 230 lb linebacker, become a 140 lb mean, skrawny, addict. He was virtually dying in front of us, and there was NOTHING we could do. Every time he went out the door, i just knew i would never see him again. The anguish and fear i felt, was paralyizing.
As parents, we naturally nuture our children, no one gives us any skills at dealing with addiction.
As a Mom, I needed to understand this demon of addiction. It is such a dark and frightening world.
Many things could be said, but i am here to give you hope.
My son has been clean for over 6 mos now. No miracle Tx, no substitutes, just enough to say he was "done".
What brings this "done" status to an addict, is beyond my comprehension. I just know it has to be the only way.
I can only advise you to love him, unconditionally, set your limits, watch for the manipulation tactics, and be honest with him. Most of all, Just LISTEN to him.
Their dark world is filled with Self-loathing, Don't add to it. My most surprising thing i learned about this demon of addiction, is how much the addict hates themselves.
As a mom, I only could see the beauty and love of my son. You need to find that again.
I am proud to say, yes, extreemly proud of my son right now. Has a fantastic job, actually 2, and works out almost every day. I would never have believed it possible, 10 mos ago.
I don't want you to think any of this has been easy. It has been a journey. We have no guarantees that he will not relapse, no addict ever does, but please don't give up hope, because i know at this point, your son has. Love him and touch him, let him know you understand his pain.
I wish you luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you
Susan
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