WIworrier

Did I ever (or any of us) think I would be on a site like this? Never....
I have been lurking for a while and I KNOW what I need to do.... just need to make sure I have done everything I can do...
My addict is my youngest 19 yr old son... His DOC is H and of course he covers it with "just smoking pot" It's been going on for over 2 years...we turned a blind eye the first year...but this last year has been hell. Was caught out of state last July with pot. Hired a lawyer..lots of $$ and he ended up on probation for 6 mo. He did 1st rehab in Sept'08 ... did good for a month or more...GF broke up with him after xmas and things went downhill. Went to Texas to get clean for about a month...worked good until he came back and OD'ed 1st time in late March. 2nd time in early April. More court cases...more $$$. Another rehab stay....We threatened bribed pleaded of course to no avail...
Totaled his his car into a tree in late August. He was working for my husband at our shop...sadly we finally had to replace him.
So he has no car no job no GF no $$...
I want to kick him out...as I think this will be the best for everyone...my husband says he won't do it ..but I can..
Theres so much more to it...I feel I could write a book...
I know you've been there...Ideas???

Freedom1990

He's basically been cushioned from more serious consequences of his actions with you and hubby hiring lawyers, paying for rehab, giving him a job, and making sure he has a roof over his head and a nice warm bed to sleep in. He has no motivation to change. The current situation is working for him and his addiction.

I made the mistake of letting my 31 year old AD stay temporarily after a lengthy jail sentence on felony drug charges. She turned my household upside down in less than a month.

I booted her out and changed the locks.

It is possible to love a child to death. I watched it happen locally where I live. A fellow AA friend who is now passed on, and his wife had an addict daughter they financed through multiple rehabs (at least 12). They invested in several businesses for her, and the profits all went up her nose.

They always made sure she had a place to live, a car to drive, food, etc. Her attorney fees were always paid by them.

The last time I saw her was about 2 months before she died. She was 51, and she looked like she was 81. Her eyes were sunk back in her head, she weighed maybe 90 pounds soaking wet. She had no teeth. Mommy and daddy loved her to death.

greeteachday

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does seem as if each time he gets himself into a bind due to his use, someone else takes care of it with lawyers and rehab and a job and a place to live. Unfortunately since he has no investment in the clean up, why would he want to change? I understand...I spent far too much of my time protecting my oldest daughter from the consequences of her binge drinking. It took my youngest's heroin addiction to get me out of denial and into Naranon.

Have you and your husband thought about Naranon or Alanon? The face to face support when things are spiraling out of control is incredible.

I know you know what would be the wise thing for you to do next and I understand that it is very, very hard. You have seen the over doses and the reality that overdosing does NOT scare them straight. It helped me to understand just how caught in the disease my daughter was. She overdosed, went to rehab and still went back out. My "help" wasn't helping her.

Keep reading and posting and know that we care. I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

URMYEVERYTHING

How about you and your husband going to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting??
Also, ask your husband what does he expect to happen at this point. It sounds like you both have HELPED him through this and no success. Does he think HELPING him some more will have a different result?? Not likely. Actually, NO, it won't help him but to have a roof over his head so that he can continue to use comfortably in your home. He will bring illegal drugs into your home placing you and your husband at risk. You will then notice belongings missing (checks, money, valuables, etc.) in which he will pawn to get his drugs because you no longer give him money. Don't leave your car keys lying around, you might wake up to one of your vehicles being gone the next morning. And, when you give him no option to get around, the dealers will probably drop his supply off to the house to make it more convenient.

You see, the possibilities are endless. Your husband may feel that his son may not do these things to the family but as you see his addiction has already taken control of him. Your son will not recover from this illness until he feels the consequences of his addiction and yes, jail or death, is a consequence to addiction, however, neither you or your husband has any control over this.

Detach with love before loving him to death becomes a reality. I know it's the hardest thing to do, but it may be the best. Please educate you and your husband about addiction and get support for yourself immediately. It will be the best next move for the both of you.

((HUGS))):ghug3

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict (crack) as well as someone who has loved ones who are addicts. I can tell you that the main reason I have 2-1/2+ years clean is because my family loved me enough to let me fall on my face, deal with the consequences of my actions, and figure out how to pull myself back up.

We A's (addicts) are very resourceful. I lived on the streets, but could have easily spent each night in a motel room, I just preferred to spend that money on dope. I lived in a town I could have gotten a free rehab - didn't want it. Jail...did that, too.

I chose recovery when I got tired of all the consequences of my using and that will not come unless he has to face them. If someone was to have shielded my from my consequences, I most likely would still be using. Today, I make decisions and know that my future consequences will be good ones.

I will forever be grateful to my family for loving me enough to essentially say "we love you, but will not love you to death".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cherrie1

Sorry you are here. I think the hardest thing as parents is stepping back. I know I am still learning how but getting stronger all the time. You will know when you have had enough just as hopefully you son will know when he needs to change. We have paid for several rehabs and also paid for a lawyer when my son was arrested. I am not sorry we did any of that. By hiring a lawyer we were trying to keep him from ruining his entire future since he was 24 at the time charged with 2 felonies. He did not belong in state prison, jail yes but not prison. When he was picked up the second time I told him we love him and will emotionally support him but no longer would we help financially. He bailed himself out and continued to use so we had the judge put him back in jail and he stayed there until just recently when he was sent to a year long court ordered program. Hopefully this time he will get it or it is back to jail. I understand your husband's feelings because that is how I felt, we can't just let him loose on the streets. I still don't know if I could do that if he were here. He lives across the country, he went out there for rehab and stayed. I have learned from talking to a lot of addicts in recovery that in order for him to stop he needs to suffer the consequences of this actions. There will be plenty of people on here telling you the same thing and they would know so that is where I am getting my strength from. That is why I could sleep at night with him in jail because in the end I am hoping it is teaching him. Best of luck .

laurie6781

WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). I am happy you found us, but very sorry for why you had to.

My name is Laurie. I have been sober and clean for over 28 years now and a member of Al-Anon for my codependency for over 25.

Let me tell you that my parents did for me what you have been doing for your son, only they did it until I was 33 1/2 years old. It was only when they said NO MORE. If you call we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be closed in your face and if you steal from us we will call the cops, and THEY MEANT EVERY WORD.

It still took another 2 1/2 years for me to find recovery and the last 1 and 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollywood.

I have said over the years that the only regret I have is that my parents didn't do that years sooner than they did.

Once I was in recovery for a few years and we were redeveloping our relationship, my mom was able to share with me that it was so bad when they finally said ENOUGH that had they not done that, they would have had to be locked up in an asylum in a room with padded walls.

Please print out these posts and show them to your Hubby.

I would suggest that both you and Hubby find the nearest Al-Anon or Naranon meeting and start attending them. I suggest Al-Anon because in many areas of the country there are many more meetings of Al-Anon than there are of Naranon.

What y'all have been doing is preventing your son from EXPERIENCING the CONSEQUENCES of his actions. The sooner he starts to experience those the quicker he will reach his bottom.

Has no place to stay? Well gee, guess he'll have to go to a shelter, or the Salvation Army. Oh and BTW the Salvation Army has a GREAT rehab program for those who WANT it and IT IS FREE.

So, Al-Anon is for you. Al-Anon is to help you to set boundaries and to stick with them. Al-Anon will reinforce, as we will here the 3 C's.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

teke

hi, welcome to sr, i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean. it took for my family to totally cut me off, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own bad choices before i could see that my life was being destroyed by my addiction. them allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions brought me to the place where i became desperate to seek help and to follow through on the road to recovery.

i know its hard but in my opinion, the best thing you can do for your son is to take care of you, take a step back and allow him to learn to do the same. you are providing his living expenses making it so much easier for him to continue his drug use. he has no reason to want to stop as long as you keep bailing him out of every situation that he finds himself in.

i pray that your son find his way soon and that you find peace in allowing him the opportunity to find his own way.

maybe you could invite your husband to alanon/naranon meetings.

Spiritual Seeker

My son has never been allowed to live at home and use or drink since he was 18.
We kicked him out at 18 and a few mos later he went to rehab.
Afterwards we had to do it again...because he stole from us which meant he was using again.

3 yrs. later he lost yet another job and his girlfriend of a couple of yrs. kicked him out. He was clinically depressed so we let him come home with the same rules.
He ran out of options except the street...which in his addiction even looked good to him for a awhile so he chose that. Finally he became willing to really work at sobriety. Luckily we could afford to send him to an 18 mo program which he completed Sept 1.

We gave him a couple of chances over the last 6 yrs. to live at home, and they were always short-lived because we could never let him stay with us and bring the chaos and insanity of addiction into our home.
Be careful not to avert the very bottom that might lead to recovery.

We should not live hostage to their addiction. It is not healthy for any of us.

My son has his own apt. now and must make it on his own. He has the tools to stay sober...and it is up to him to apply them . Right now he is working diligently to that end.

Do what is Best for you until your son is willing to do what his best for him.