I need some advice....
 

I have a problem dealing with my MIL. She makes comments like" Slip Ups (relapses) are part of recovery" " He will stop drinking when he gets tired of it" and "He has to deal with one Monkey on his back at a time". She explains that way she would handle his slip ups would be to say to him" I know you slipped up, I hope you keep trying" She has never been one to hold any of her kids accountable for anything. Not to metion she has been married four times, and her first and second husbands are/ were alcoholics. He second husband died due to his addiction. Addiction is Addiction weither it's one or two or three things you are addicted too. i DON'T want to lose my husband to this like she did.

She tells me I am suspicious of him all the time, and need to back off of him, and quit accusing him of relapsing. I know that I CAN'T accuse him all of the time, but most of the time I am right when I do, and he has slipped up or drank too much.

The biggest think that they (MIL and RAH) tell is that I need to loosen up, and have some fun. I'm not a person that likes loud music or drinking at all.
I feel they are pressuring me to be in situations I don't feel comfortable in, and make me feel guilty when I leave. I get very angry at my husband when he won't leave too. I feel like he is so selfish and doesn't care about me or my feelings. I undestand that he needs to be his own person, but being in recovery why would you put youself into siutations that will set you up to fail.

Am I wrong?:c020:
How should I handle this?:a108:

Kinda sounds to me like basic compatibility issues instead of recovery issues. Sometimes, as we work through these problems with our A's, we discover there are underlying issues/problems that really having nothing to do with addiction. Its hard to face and admit, but its necessary if you ever want to resolve your pain. Staying in denial prevents the resolution of pain.

Also, the fact he puts himself in the position tells me he doesn't want recovery bad enough yet. Which means you are spinning your wheels on this person, waiting for him to get serious about recovery, and allowing yourself to stay sick at the same time. Actions are everything in my opinion. I've come to the point where I see recovery (for both A's and codies) in pretty much black and white. Anything less than "getting it done" is not wanting recovery bad enough. Anything less is an excuse to stay sick. Period. Anyone who REALLY WANTS IT will not let anything get in the way of their progress. Period. JMHO.

No one will know how you feel until you verbally set up boundaries with both of them and ask they respect them. If they choose not to, then apply a behavior/consequence that you will follow through on that will let them know to not cross you. Eventually, after practicing this over and over, they will learn to back off. You have no control over your husband's and/or MIL's behavior/actions. They cannot make you feel guilty for leaving. This is something you put yourself through. If you want to leave because you do not want to be involved in a stressful situation and/or uncomfortable situation that is your right.

As long as you remain bottled up with your feelings and verbalizing how others should treat you, they will never get the picture.

imo, slip ups/relapses are not a requirement for recovery but they are very common. i also think maybe its time for you to focus more on you. nothing you can do or say will make him want to stop or his mom to stop enabling, he has to want stop for himself.

i lost my little brother to addiction so i do understand that you don't want to lose your husband to this but there really is nothing you can do other than began to focus more on you. maybe it is time that you take a step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions and this goes for the mom too. you can't change people but you can change how you allow others effect you and your life.

it took for my family to take a step back and allow me to fall before i became desperate enough to seek help for myself. you and your family are in my prayers.