My husband's an alcoholic and I need support

Old 10-01-2009, 01:21 PM
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My husband's an alcoholic and I need support

Hi. I'm a newcomer and need support. Have read some posts and find them comforting. My husband is spiraling down and I am and have been worried sick. He's drinking four 1.75 "handles" of straight vodka a week. The majority on weekends, but he pours a glass at 5:30 AM on the way to work and the minute he gets home. His hands shake like crazy until he's had a few. He failed a life insurance exam last year and his doctor warned him and he has just gotten worse. He does hold down a good job, but he could get laid off at anytime and he really would drink more (if that's even possible) cuz he'd wouldn't have to be accountable at work. I'm at my wits end. He's not mean or violent, but I can't stand to be around him. He's needy, insecure and so opinionated when drunk which is all the time. My girls are 12 and 14 and I don't know what to tell them. They know I'm worried all the time, but they think I'm just an unhappy depressed mom. For the most part that's true, but they don't know the depth of his alcoholism. I lost my dad one year ago to this and it made my hypersensitive to my hubs drinking habits. I wish he only had a few at night, but I am convinced he's killing himself and I know he's in denial. Ughh...I know someone out there can relate. Please help, Kirbe.
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:26 PM
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Welcome!!!

You might consider posting this in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum instead.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:34 PM
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Hi Kirbe!
Welcome to SR. Please read all the posts at the top of the forum about addiction. It willbe helpful for you. There will also be others that will come along with lots of support and insight to help you through this ordeal/chaos.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way at this time.

What is it that you are exactly asking for help with? Talking to your children? Leaving vs. staying with him?
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Old 10-01-2009, 04:55 PM
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Hi Kirbe.... Welcome.... no matter where you post on SR, know that you are cared for and we understand. My father in-law is a functioning alcoholic. I know what it is like to be around someone who you regard as strong, smart and functioning who also drinks/drugs and is next to impossible to be around. Take care of you. Come here, the other boards, to Al-anon or where ever you need, but keep reaching out and moving forward.
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Old 10-01-2009, 05:33 PM
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Hi Kirbe,

Where to start, your girls maybe. It is best to talk to them, for so many reasons. If you are worried about what to say then talk to your pediatrician, enlist help from an addiction counselor…
Children tend to know much more than we think they do…and they see the chaos and think it is somehow their fault, very normal but then not something they need to take personal. It will also help to have it all out in the open. I spoke to my kids and my 2 younger ones were that age. Actually my husband and I both sat with them and he spoke, he talked of what they knew, and what they didn’t. He kept it light, but wanted them to understand what was going to happen in terms of wd, because he as kicking opiates at home with his doctors blessing, and all that goes with that. As the years have went by it was the best thing we did and has opened the door up for some very other important conversations, one that shares with them that they are at risk to becoming addicts, and that they wouldn’t know it and to be real careful what they think might be fun, because fun can really quick turn into hell. They so impress me each day and how they view this is just awesome.
You can keep this really simple, daddy is sick, addiction is a brain disease, it will get worse or better and that will be by his choice. That he doesn’t drink because of them or you but that he needs help and there isn’t anything anyone can do to help him until he is ready to seek it out himself. They will have questions so as I wrote earlier seek out some guidance if you feel you need to…don’t ever be afraid to ask for help, ask questions….

For you try to remove the fear it doesn’t help and long as your husband is breathing there is hope. The fear traps almost everyone and then runs the shows and every reaction around. I am sure you understand that there is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking, and that there isn’t anything you can do to make him drink. Make sure you give him the ball and let him live within the consequences of his actions. No covering up, no hiding, no making excuses for, no blame, no shame, no guilt trips…

I am very sorry that you lost your dad to this disease, such sadness…
But this might also be very important to look at because I wonder have you healed from that, from the past…what were you exposed to and well you could do something so positive in all of this and that is break the cycle…

Take good care of yourself, and your girls, trust me when I say he is capable of taking care of him…

Inciting Silence
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Old 10-01-2009, 05:44 PM
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I can just imagine the pain your husband is towards of life.

He needs to be that his life is essentially unmanageble and he is going to die. He is wreckage to others and cause lots of damage.

You have to tell them that there is a program that offers peace of mind and hope. Hope to live life on life terms. To end the head trip in his head. That offers calmness among swelling sea of pressure. He just needs to quit drinking and you need to state that the golden road is ahead of. It takes a massive amount of work, but your life will be transformed. You will have people that will love unconditionally for the person that you are, You will find support like no other.

And his life can be become manageable again and he can be father to his family. He needs a strict sponsor and a life coach to work the golden road of life.

This program does work because I have seen too many examples. The odds are overwhelming but it can be done.

And if AA does not work, there is SMART Recovery (http:\\SMART Recovery®|Self Help for Alcoholism Drug & Other Addiction) and LifeRing (http:\\LifeRing Home Page

I hope you the Universe will bless you.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:56 PM
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welcome to sr. sorry about your father and about your husband. you have come to a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope. i lost my father and brother to alcoholism, but i've been sober for a few yrs so there is hope.

my husband is in active addiction and i had to finally separate myself from him and his addiction so as to regain some sanity. there is not much you can do to help your husband, he have to want to help himself but you can began to focus more on you and your kids. read all you can read, post as much as you need to. search your area for a few alanon and naranon f2f support groups for family and friends and began attending for yourself. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
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