mvegas11

Hi Everyone,
I went to throw something out today in the trash and my eye caught a paper towel that had some green streaks on it. i picked up the paper towel and there are about 5 - 6 green streaks as well as a small cellophane wrapper from a pack of cigarettes. My GF who is the addict told me 7 months ago when she got clean that she would buy oxycontin on the street that was packaged in cellophane wrappers and that the pills were green. She then went onto explain that she would wipe off the coating of the pills for a better effect. I think I already know the answer but is she using again? I will be approaching her tonight on the topic and have no idea what I'm in for. She has been clean for 7 months now (at least I think). I just can not believe she has gone back to using.
Thanks!

sailorjohn

I think you already know the answer also. The real question, what's your plan?

How are you going to take care of you?

mvegas11

I don't really have a plan. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I now if I approach her there could be a couple of different reactions from her. I don't know how to handle this situation. What if I am wrong and I accuse her. But what if I am right and say nothing. It's just going to get worse. I am completely lost and have no idea what to do.

mvegas11

her relapse does upset my world...emotionally and financially. we have lived together for the last year. it is my house but once she got clean she started giving me money towards bills. that has actually not been consistent for the last couple of months and now i am hurting financially. i had a friend of mine who is a recovering addict tell me today that i need to let her go because she is basically destroying me. I sometimes feel as though it is my fault because i've made things so easy for her financially. I take care of everything if need be.

mvegas11

Thank you anvilhead! There is much truth in everything you have said. Thank you again for your responses! I need to get to a place where I can hear my own thoughts and feelings to know what is best for ME!

mvegas11

She will be home in about 15 minutes and i'm scared to death. I know what i need to do for myself but i'm panicking at what is going to happen when i present the evidence.

hello-kitty

Yes. Why not take a walk instead. This could be your first step in taking charge of your life and your emotions. Figure out what you are doing before you do it.

Remember that you didn't cause her addiction. You can't control her addiction, and most importantly, you can't cure her addiction.

That is her life. Her choices.

You need to focus on your life. Your choices. You have many available to you.

imallright

And if you are questioning and wondering and worrying.... is this how you want to live.... know what you want or at least don't want, watch behaviors, ask questions and then decide... truth be told or not. IMO, don't expect an honest answer when you ask the question. Take care of you.

URMYEVERYTHING

Here's my philosophy... If it looks like a duck, moves like a duck and quacks like a duck... then more than likely... it's a duck!

You have your evidence.... present to her you know.... and set up boundaries in place.

What are your boundaries after you tell her you know about her using again? If you don't have any, then you are entering this conversation with nothing but more heartache and deception.

Here is what my boundary would look like.... I have found that you are using and you have brought the drugs into the home. Now, that this has been discovered, you will need to go as I will not condone illegal activity in my home.

Where she goes from there.... who knows... you can only wait and see.

ashleek

I'd really like to know what happened here. I know how much I put my husband through and feel horrible. Take it easy on her, you don't know how she may feel. She might be crying on the inside for help!!

hello-kitty

She might be. But then again she might not. She might just be getting high and trying to hide her addiction. It's not really up for us to decide. The fact is she's not the one here asking for help. The OP is.

Besides, we certainly know that if she's using drugs, she NEEDS help. She needs PROFESSIONAL help. There are rehabs, AA, NA, counselors, detox programs available to help her. She does not need a boyfriend searching in the trash, crying his eyes out, having his heart torn out by her addiction. This does not help an addict get better. This enables the addiction. This is codependency. Codependency kills addicts. At the very least, it keeps addicts sick.

We are here to help the OP gain control of his life because he is asking for it. If the girlfriend wants help and wants to get better, she is going to do it no matter what the BF does. He can't stop her from using just like he can't cause her to use. This is not about her. It is about the BF.

I fail to see how helping a person learn how to draw strong personal boundaries about the kind of behavior they are willing to accept in their lifes has anything to do with the "taking it easy" on an addict. Unless of course it means that they stop enabling because of it and the addict decides to seek help on their own because they have lost everything...

I mean seriously, does taking it easy on a pill head make them want to get better? None that I know ever did. They didn't choose to get better until using caused them more pain than not using. Taking it easy on them did not help.

mvegas11

thank you all for your posts and your advice! It has been hard feeling along and lost in my world and having support from others who have walked in the same paths has helped.

I wanted to come back and give you an update on what has happened since my last post. We did talk when she got home. To understand me, I did not attack her. I try very hard to be a calm person and handle things rationally. I know that anything does not get resolved by arguing or yelling!

I apologize now because this post is probably going to be long!

I did show her what I had found and asked what was going on. To be honest, I can not remember the look on her face. She said she was confused at what I was showing her. I told her that when she was using she had told me that she would wet the OC and then wipe it off on a papertowel,napkin or tissue. that I looked up OC and the 80mg are the same green color that is on the papertowel and that she would put the pills in a cig cellophane wrapper when she would buy them when she was using. I said that when I opened the trash the papertowel caught my eye and when I picked it up the cellophane fell out. She had a couple of responses but basically she used the papertowel to wipe her hands that morning (the towel had no sign of wetness) and that her friend had owed her suboxone and her friend gave them back to her on Friday and she had nothing to put them in so she put them in the cellophane. My first reaction is I did not believe any of it. She always has her suboxone bottle in her purse at all times with her....So why wouldn't she just put them in the bottle. She said she did not have her bottle on her. I said you always have it in your purse. She said not always...LIE?
After a back and forth conversation...and I'm sure other lies. Her biggest arguement was....She stated that even if she did slip and take any opiates she would not feel anything because of being on the Suboxone for the last 8 months. She stated it would be a waste of money to buy the opiates and to continue to go to the sub doc and spend that money on the appt. She also stated that if she had slipped at anytime during her recovery she would tell me...I DO NOT believe this and I told her that. Basically in the end she said that I am going to believe what I am going to believe. That no matter what she says it will not make a difference. Something I did not post here (which I am not proud of) is I know her checking account password and had checked it the other day. Last Friday she withdrew 500, 300 of that went to me and I'm not sure where the other money went because she stated she had no other money on her. On Monday she then took out 160 and then another 40. On Wednesday she then took out another 80. But on Thursday her wallet only had 21. I have also checked her suboxone pill count. Yesterday she had 29 1/2 pills, today she has 24 1/2 pills. She is on a 1 1/2 pill dosage a day and just had her prescription filled on the 23rd of this month. Today this info made me think that maybe she is trading suboxone for opiates. I have even gone has far as checking her phone. Text messages and calls. She has started deleting her text messages before she even gets home. I have no idea if it is because she suspects I am checking them or if she is hiding something. None of this makes any sense or adds up.

I am not proud of becoming a snoop or of my actions with all of this. I feel like I am a crazy person going through her things and checking everything. Who lives like this. I have never been this way in my entire life until 10 months ago when I started questioning if she was using. At that time I could physically see the signs. Right now I can not see the signs in her physically but I look at the money and the papertowel/cellophane and can not imagine believing her. I do believe that she has no issue lying to my face especially if she is using. She has done it before.
I know that being on the suboxone maintenance she goes to the doctor once a month but I do not know if he has continued to urine test her. Even if he did, I was told by a professional that the opiates will only stay in your system for a couple of days.

What I do know is I have no trust in her! I know that I can not continue to live this way. And I do not understand why I can not walk away from her or at least tell her we need to take a break and that maybe she needs to move out for awhile. I feel like I have become this incredibly weak person instead of the strong person i used to be. Anvilhead asked me in a post above "what is my plan" I decided yesterday that the first step in developing "my" plan is I am going to start sessions with a pyschologist. I believe this is the first step in at least getting my mind clear to make healthy decisions for myself. I believe if I can do that I can gain my strength back and make the right decisions for myself and stop trying to make decisions to not lose my gf even if I'm ignoring the signs of her possibly using again. I don't know if she is that good at manipulating/lying to me or if I am just walking around with blinders on.
I have been anxious for the last week, can't eat and feel like I am going crazy. I can't do this anymore.

faithfully

I so relate to what you are feeling, it seems like you love her a lot. Assume she is using, in my opinion, (which take with a grain of salt because I am a pretty sick codependent,) all you can do is say you love her, you're worried about her but that you aren't prepared to be close to her if she's using. You can say it's just too hard on you, which it is. Is she working a recovery program currently? Maybe say you are willing to go to meetings with her, that you are available at any time, for any counselling she may want to do. You willing to support her in recovery but not while she is using. That you understand slips but not full out using with no recovery program. Ultimately she must get honest with herself, not you. And drawing the line for you is very difficult. We want things to work out for those and with those we love. No one likes to snoop, if you feel she is using she likely is. Walking on eggshells and wondering if someone is using or not, trying to get proof, is pretty crappy. If she were working a program, its possible that she would be the first to admit a slip, to herself, to you maybe, and hopefully to her recovery support group. If she is using and doesn't admit it, I guess she is in full blown active using. It doesn't have to be the end of your world if she is using. Because she is an addict, i think it's wise to prepare for the fact that using is a huge part of her life, and so must be recovery. NOt using is also a huge part of her life. and so is recovery. It always will be, from what I've seen, that is the nature of addiction. These will always be issues in her life, and It doesn't go away, it has to be accepted and worked on continuously.

Learn2Live

Hello-Kitty said:

I agree with Ashleek on this one. Whenever I have "lost it" or been mean to "the addicted person" I have only come away from it feeling worse than I did BEFORE I spoke with him. You're right, Kitty, NEITHER "taking it easy" on them NOR being hard on them will make them do anything. But confronting the "addict" and even not going "easy" on him was me trying to control him and "fix" the situation. Having peace with myself and not even HAVING to confront him feels healthier (and better) for me.

Ciao.

Learn2Live

Pretty much everybody who involves themself with addicted and alcoholic people feel exactly like you do and lives like you do.

I totally relate to what you are going thru. Does your stomach hurt all the time? After two years of feeling like you do, I also had enough. I'm glad you have gotten to the point where you realize just how unhealthy it is for you to continue to be involved with this woman. It is VERY difficult for addix and alcoholix to be consistent about anything. I wouldn't expect any miraculous changes any time soon.

URMYEVERYTHING

I pulled out what was the most profound in your post.... you see... you have already lost your GF to addiction. See how crazy this gets?? You are trying to control something that you can't control and something that is already gone. Thus, the reason you are stressed and feeling trapped in a situation that is going nowhere.

Once I realized my RBF was using, I detached. I, too , didn't eat for days afterwards, but I was in shock and grieving and when I told him to leave after the first relapse, it was abrupt. It had to be. If I let his behaviors continue and let myself continue to fall with him, it wasn't healthy for either one of us. The second relapse, I was better at dealing with. It got easier to detach. I didn't snoop or follow his actions. I let him hang himself when he stole one of my checks and I saw it cleared in my banking account. I pulled the image up on the screen, called him over to look at it and at that point no words were exchanged except him saying, "I'll get my things and go." This was a boundary I set up with him before he returned to my house and he knew I meant it.

I can say that I felt a lot better after he left. It was a relief and I feel just fine now that he is gone. There is no chaos... no need to hide and protect my belongings... no need to babysit... no need to worry. He is in rehab now and that's where he'll stay until he is able to work his way up to his own apt.

It's a good start by seeing a psychologist. It will help clear your mind but one important thing to remember here that has already been figured out is that your GF is lost and she won't be able to find her way back with your help. Take a step away from her and let her go to find recovery. If it's meant to be for you two to be together, it will be meant to be. Otherwise, you are priority number one.

(((HUGS)))

cherrie1

So sorry you are going through all this. I know how it feels, my son is my addict. First of all I will tell you what I was told when he was in rehab. If that little voice inside you is telling you something is wrong it is almost always right. One of the first signs I noticed when my son relapsed was how fast he was going through his money with nothing to show for it. Protect yourself. I am sure you love her but, I would tell her that you can not and will not live with an addict. Believe me, it is no life always suspecting, looking for signs and questioning yourself. Her addiction will consume you if you let it. The problem with addicts is no matter how much she loves you in return she loves her drugs more. I know my son loves us but it is so hard to understand when I think back on all the lying and stealing and sneaking around. I have found out the hard way that there is nothing we can do to stop the addict. Suggest getting help before things get worse but other than that take care of yourself.

bluebelle

I understand how you're feeling, because I've done the same thing. I know what it feels like to see something that looks suspicious, and then start panicking. It makes you feel all those terrified feelings all over again that they are using, and things are out of control, etc. It makes you feel crazy, because the lies are so confusing and you don't know what to believe. You then confront them, so that you can find out the "truth." Wow, I've been there a million times.

ashleek

Thank you! I wasn't saying enable her or go buy the pills for her and hold the tooter! I was saying from my experience my husband pushed me to go get help and I wasn't ready until I was ready. He sometimes pushed me so hard that I wanted to kill myself. So one day I had a complete breakdown, I cried and cried because I didn't want to live anymore because of my addiction. I let myself down because I knew I couldn't stop on my own. THE ADDICT ISN'T READY UNTIL THEY ARE READY! I believe this whole heartedly. So that was what I was trying to say, becareful because you don't know if secretly that person is ready to kill themselves or inside somewhere deep down they wish someone would come and save them. I know that is how I felt. Once you get to that deep dark nasty place I was in, it wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge to where I would have snorted enough to kill myself.

ashleek

One more thing, everyone on here is all about giving up on her. If it hadn't have been for my husband, going through this with me the entire way (and yep he enabled me) I don't think I would be clean today. WTH do we have to live for or get sober for if our spouse leaves us? That really makes me angry that everyone is just like give up. My husband never gave up on me, he was there the whole way, all the crappy stuff I put him through, he was still there. So, DON'T GIVE UP YET! I'm not saying live like this the rest of your life but educate yourself on addiction. Try and understand us, she isn't trying to hurt you. She is probably ashamed, she has let herself down again. I know if I was to relapse I wouldn't want to tell my husband and put him through that hell again. Think about her feelings and yes they are very selfish feelings. As an addict we are very selfish people but you have to see past that. We have this wall that you have to climb to reach our heart. Maybe you need to tell her that you aren't ashamed or disappointed in her because you know relapse does happen but you need her to be well for her and when she is ready then you are ready to help her. I can't believe most of everyone's answers were to just give up and get the hell out. That is one of the worse things you could do to her, reguardless of what she is doing to you.