New and need to tell my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2
New and need to tell my story
I found out just 14 days ago that my husband of 7 years (together 10) is a cocaine addict. Apparently all the money i thought we had is not there, my house is in foreclosure, he will have to declare bankruptcy (not me thank god) and I now have to tell my 2 year old son that he won't have his playground anymore and we'll have to live with grandma and grandpa and not with daddy. While he won't mind the spoiling I am at the bottom of the pit and while I have only had 3 major breakdowns in the last 2 weeks I feel myself sitting here sad, lonely, angry, desperate and confused.
He threatened suicide when I found out and we were able to get him to the hospital and then he willingly went to rehab. ACcording to his counselor there he is an "A+" student but that doesn't do anything for me. It's nice to know that he wants to get better but I am left piecing everything together. I have seen bankruptcy attorneys, divorce attorneys, real estate attorneys, realtors, dealt with the insurance, disability and his bosses, lied to my own boss b/c I can publically face that this is my life. My two year old keeps saying "where's daddy?" and all I can say is "he's at work" and then that little boy who looks just like his addict father responds with "mommy, no cry."
The puzzle has come back together and I now see all the signs I missed. I am not blaming myself but I think to myself of all the things I ignored or glossed over not thinking b/c I was too worried about bathtime or finishing up my marketing reports to notice.
I skipped denial, b/c I had no choice and still haven't dealt with anger or any other emotion. I can only have pity parties with a select few and so many people surround and support me and compliment how me on being so strong.
Yet, I want to sit there and tell my one and only best friend everything I feel...how hurt I am, how I am questioning everything, how every time I lie to my son my heart breaks, how i will miss our huge xmas tree and our son opening his gifts on christmas morning in our home. But I can't tell my best friend b/c he isn't my best friend anymore. He's 45 miles away, in rehab, struggling for his own life while I try to piece back together what he left behind.
He threatened suicide when I found out and we were able to get him to the hospital and then he willingly went to rehab. ACcording to his counselor there he is an "A+" student but that doesn't do anything for me. It's nice to know that he wants to get better but I am left piecing everything together. I have seen bankruptcy attorneys, divorce attorneys, real estate attorneys, realtors, dealt with the insurance, disability and his bosses, lied to my own boss b/c I can publically face that this is my life. My two year old keeps saying "where's daddy?" and all I can say is "he's at work" and then that little boy who looks just like his addict father responds with "mommy, no cry."
The puzzle has come back together and I now see all the signs I missed. I am not blaming myself but I think to myself of all the things I ignored or glossed over not thinking b/c I was too worried about bathtime or finishing up my marketing reports to notice.
I skipped denial, b/c I had no choice and still haven't dealt with anger or any other emotion. I can only have pity parties with a select few and so many people surround and support me and compliment how me on being so strong.
Yet, I want to sit there and tell my one and only best friend everything I feel...how hurt I am, how I am questioning everything, how every time I lie to my son my heart breaks, how i will miss our huge xmas tree and our son opening his gifts on christmas morning in our home. But I can't tell my best friend b/c he isn't my best friend anymore. He's 45 miles away, in rehab, struggling for his own life while I try to piece back together what he left behind.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Coral Springs, Fl
Posts: 4
I know your feelings ohh to well. My husband is my best friend too. I found this site as my support because both of our famiies are over 1200 miles away. I blame missing the signs on being nieve or plan just not wanting to admit there was a problem. You have to worry about you and your son. Stay strong..
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome to both of you! - so sorry for the reason you are here, but you have found agreat place with lots of support. There are many wives here who will share their journeys. I found just knowing there were others who understood was a huge comfort.
Please read all you can here including the "stickies" on the top of the page. I found learning all I could about addiction and codependency really aided me in getting to a better place. If you can find Naranon or Alanon meetings near you, the face to face support is so helpful.
Please read all you can here including the "stickies" on the top of the page. I found learning all I could about addiction and codependency really aided me in getting to a better place. If you can find Naranon or Alanon meetings near you, the face to face support is so helpful.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean but the addict in my life now is my husband(crack cocaine) or 23 yrs. it took me 21 of those yrs to realize i had to separate myself from him to keep from going totally insane. i do understand your pain and i'm so sorry. i'm glad you joined us.
i'm glad to hear that your husband is away getting help and i know what its like to be left to pick up the pieces. one day at a time and one thing to do at a time, it will get easier.
sounds like you are doing good, you are focusing on you and your child. it may help if you could tell your baby in a child like way that daddy is away getting better. you will be surprized at how much kids understand. maybe try doing something fun with him to help keep yours and his mind occupied.keep reading and posting and maybe try alanon or naranon f2f meetings for families. they are so very helpful in learning to cope with addiction.
i pray that your husband gets what he needs and that he follow through once he gets out. i'll keep all of you in my prayers
i'm glad to hear that your husband is away getting help and i know what its like to be left to pick up the pieces. one day at a time and one thing to do at a time, it will get easier.
sounds like you are doing good, you are focusing on you and your child. it may help if you could tell your baby in a child like way that daddy is away getting better. you will be surprized at how much kids understand. maybe try doing something fun with him to help keep yours and his mind occupied.keep reading and posting and maybe try alanon or naranon f2f meetings for families. they are so very helpful in learning to cope with addiction.
i pray that your husband gets what he needs and that he follow through once he gets out. i'll keep all of you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. I'm glad you found this site. I'm sorry for your situation. I have a little experience in this area as I am a mom of a 4 year old little boy, a recovering cocaine addict and the ex-partner of a cocaine addict not in recovery.
Hugs to you and your little boy. I encourage you to read as much as you can on this site. I also enourage you to attend some alanon (naranon) meetings. They are geared towards the family members of addicts. And there are great books about co-dependency that will help you be prepared for when your husband gets out.
I'm a firm believer in the old adage, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Cocaine addiction is insidious and it takes a lot time to recovery. It's not as easy as "go to rehab and return to normal when I get out." Most addicts relapse and relapse and relapse after rehab. This is why recovery is a life long process. It's important that you learn all you can about it. And it is important that you learn all you can about enabling and protecting yourself from addiction so you can be prepared for whatever the future brings.
Your husband is safer in rehab than he has been in the last 7 years. This is the time that you must focus on you and your baby.
By the way, there are lots of wonderful people on this website who have been thru what you are going thru. Take it one day at a time, don't future trip, and you will be ok.
Hugs to you and your little boy. I encourage you to read as much as you can on this site. I also enourage you to attend some alanon (naranon) meetings. They are geared towards the family members of addicts. And there are great books about co-dependency that will help you be prepared for when your husband gets out.
I'm a firm believer in the old adage, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Cocaine addiction is insidious and it takes a lot time to recovery. It's not as easy as "go to rehab and return to normal when I get out." Most addicts relapse and relapse and relapse after rehab. This is why recovery is a life long process. It's important that you learn all you can about it. And it is important that you learn all you can about enabling and protecting yourself from addiction so you can be prepared for whatever the future brings.
Your husband is safer in rehab than he has been in the last 7 years. This is the time that you must focus on you and your baby.
By the way, there are lots of wonderful people on this website who have been thru what you are going thru. Take it one day at a time, don't future trip, and you will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wecome to SR.
Substitute heroin for cocaine in your post and i could have written it almost 6 years ago.
My gosh, its hard to believe its been that long.
We lost our marital home...a home I love...the place I wanted to raise our son (who was 4 when the insanity started)...had to declare bankruptcy...and basicallly start all over. As you know, the financial stuff is nothing compared to the emotional pain of this situation. Losing my home meant losing the life I worked so hard to build with my exah. It was a big symbol for me of the destruction drugs heaped on my life. But the absolutely worse thing was looking at our son and worrying about the effect all of this would have on him. My gosh, so painful and scary.
It really felt like the world was coming to an end.
I hope your husband does well in rehab but you the biggest thing I can suggest is that you restructure your life so you and your son will be okay no matter what he does. I went thru a couple of failed rehab attempts with my ex and I clung to the hope that he would get it together and I ended up really hurting myself in the long run.
Ya know, the house, the playground, everything you face losing due to this is just 'stuff'. It seemed like so much more to me at the time but looking back, losing the 'things' was really the easiest part of the journey.
I lost my house but I now own my own home...I'm raising my son in a healthy, happy environement and he's doing great. And the only way I accomplished this was to put my needs and the needs of our son first and I left my ex to do whatever he wanted to do. I made it so that his decisions wouldn't effect us on a practical level... And with alot of time, alot of work, alot of courage, things got better for us and today I can honestly say I am happy and my son is too. And, miracle of all miracles, my exah is clean. It took him a few years after I left to figure it out for himself but he's healthy now and a part of our son's life...something I would have never imagined possible back in the day.
Anyway, I just want you to know that there are lots of us here who understand your situation. I know the shame you mentioned but you really have nothing to be ashamed of. You might be surprised how much support and love you will receive from the very people you are hiding this mess from. When I finally came clean to my family and my boss about what had been happening, I was overwhelmed by their concern and support. Don't sell the people in your life short. I think you'll be surprised at how many of them have dealt with a similar situation with someone in their life.
Welcome again to SR. I look forward to getting to know you better and sharing this journey with you. Things will get better...
Substitute heroin for cocaine in your post and i could have written it almost 6 years ago.
My gosh, its hard to believe its been that long.
We lost our marital home...a home I love...the place I wanted to raise our son (who was 4 when the insanity started)...had to declare bankruptcy...and basicallly start all over. As you know, the financial stuff is nothing compared to the emotional pain of this situation. Losing my home meant losing the life I worked so hard to build with my exah. It was a big symbol for me of the destruction drugs heaped on my life. But the absolutely worse thing was looking at our son and worrying about the effect all of this would have on him. My gosh, so painful and scary.
It really felt like the world was coming to an end.
I hope your husband does well in rehab but you the biggest thing I can suggest is that you restructure your life so you and your son will be okay no matter what he does. I went thru a couple of failed rehab attempts with my ex and I clung to the hope that he would get it together and I ended up really hurting myself in the long run.
Ya know, the house, the playground, everything you face losing due to this is just 'stuff'. It seemed like so much more to me at the time but looking back, losing the 'things' was really the easiest part of the journey.
I lost my house but I now own my own home...I'm raising my son in a healthy, happy environement and he's doing great. And the only way I accomplished this was to put my needs and the needs of our son first and I left my ex to do whatever he wanted to do. I made it so that his decisions wouldn't effect us on a practical level... And with alot of time, alot of work, alot of courage, things got better for us and today I can honestly say I am happy and my son is too. And, miracle of all miracles, my exah is clean. It took him a few years after I left to figure it out for himself but he's healthy now and a part of our son's life...something I would have never imagined possible back in the day.
Anyway, I just want you to know that there are lots of us here who understand your situation. I know the shame you mentioned but you really have nothing to be ashamed of. You might be surprised how much support and love you will receive from the very people you are hiding this mess from. When I finally came clean to my family and my boss about what had been happening, I was overwhelmed by their concern and support. Don't sell the people in your life short. I think you'll be surprised at how many of them have dealt with a similar situation with someone in their life.
Welcome again to SR. I look forward to getting to know you better and sharing this journey with you. Things will get better...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the love and support. I am lucky to have a wonderful supporting family and friends. things are so upside down right now, living between two houses (our house is giong on the market so we are decluttering, etc but I am living at my mom's), working F/T, not sleeping , running to attorneys....etc. I am actually excited for the point where things settle out and I can get to a few meetings. My normally 110% brain is functioning at 50% so my support network has been so good at keeping me sane.
I look back each day and think how did we get here? i am trying to laugh at how I was "supposed to marry a golf playing attorney/Dr." and walked down the aisle with a "semi-pro bowling banker" - I am told I am doing a good job at laughing but then i get sucked into stupid movies that put me in the pit of despair (anyone see the yayas? you know what I am talking about.)
My best friends in the world were already scheduled to come in this weekend. They are here and have helped me clean out some closets/under beds and took me clothes shopping last night (dressing up "fat girl barbie" was actually pretty fun). We have laughed and cried, stared at each other confused, wondered what the future would bring and then had to call some friends who work for the DEA/law enforcement for some advice b/c his dealer is calling for money. This is my life.......
i look forward to joining you on this journey and want to thank you in advance for the support.
Random question: my friend has been surfing the net and has tried to find someone who has a similar existance to me who made it out on the other side, first time in rehab, and is still with their spouse with no relapses? I am not hopeful that this will happen but our curiousity has us searching....certainly not hope.
I look back each day and think how did we get here? i am trying to laugh at how I was "supposed to marry a golf playing attorney/Dr." and walked down the aisle with a "semi-pro bowling banker" - I am told I am doing a good job at laughing but then i get sucked into stupid movies that put me in the pit of despair (anyone see the yayas? you know what I am talking about.)
My best friends in the world were already scheduled to come in this weekend. They are here and have helped me clean out some closets/under beds and took me clothes shopping last night (dressing up "fat girl barbie" was actually pretty fun). We have laughed and cried, stared at each other confused, wondered what the future would bring and then had to call some friends who work for the DEA/law enforcement for some advice b/c his dealer is calling for money. This is my life.......
i look forward to joining you on this journey and want to thank you in advance for the support.
Random question: my friend has been surfing the net and has tried to find someone who has a similar existance to me who made it out on the other side, first time in rehab, and is still with their spouse with no relapses? I am not hopeful that this will happen but our curiousity has us searching....certainly not hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Sounds like you are taking the right steps to take care of you. Let your friends and family hold you up emotionally right now. I've been through similar situation... only my kids are older and my soon to be ex-ah didn't go to rehab, or meetings or recovery... cuz "he doesn't have a problem, don't ya know???" So anyways, he didn't but I did... living with someone who uses.
Am sure there are people who have gone to re-hab, worked recovery and redeveloped relationships with spouse and lived happily ever after... but I also know that once and addict, always an addict and it can be a rough road. Best thing is to remember to focus on you and you mental and physical health. The rest will follow.
Am sure there are people who have gone to re-hab, worked recovery and redeveloped relationships with spouse and lived happily ever after... but I also know that once and addict, always an addict and it can be a rough road. Best thing is to remember to focus on you and you mental and physical health. The rest will follow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by tjspidur 
Random question: my friend has been surfing the net and has tried to find someone who has a similar existance to me who made it out on the other side, first time in rehab, and is still with their spouse with no relapses? I am not hopeful that this will happen but our curiousity has us searching....certainly not hope.
I met my RBF when he was clean. He had 5 years before his relapse. I have been with him through several relapses and several attempts at detox/rehab. He relapsed in Nov. 2008, went to detox, relapsed shortly after, went back into detox, then to rehab, left there with no reason but to use again, then to jail for 6 months from a VOP, then to my house (big mistake), relapsed after 3 weeks, and is now in rehab since Aug. 19th and still there.
I have learned through this process that even though I love him and he is my best friend, I have to let my BF go for now for him to seek recovery AND I have to learn to not worry about him while he is there. My main concern is me and my five year old son, who needs me to be together (physically and emotionally). I have enough on my plate to worry about what RBF is doing and IF he'll do the right thing. I have learned to accept the situation the way it is and protect myself at all cost. No matter how much he first quacked that he needs somewhere to stay, he doesn't like the place, it's not the best place to be.... I realize that is a part of his disease and each day he gets stronger and his words turn into him having to do this on his own and not relying on others for help. He is making happen so far but I have a different relationship with him then from what I initially had when I met him clean and sober.
It has been a journey. But to really answer your question is a tough one to do. You should get educated about addiction and watch his actions. Set up your boundaries on what you will be willing to tolerate and also get acquainted with AlAnon or NarAnon to seek support for yourself.
As he recovers you will find that being lonely and without BF will be the running theme until he is able to get back on his feet. It's a part of the process and one that the staying GF, wife, etc. has to be patient with.
((HUGS)))
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