Am I doing the right thing?

Old 09-29-2009, 06:36 AM
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Am I doing the right thing?

I posted a thread this weekend regarding AS. He left Thursday for a one year rehab program only to return Sat. Drunk when I picked him up at the bus station. I should have left him there. I didnt because the pastor who got him in to the program called us to please go get him. There was some mix-up in his criminal charges that had to be dealt with this week. As I said AS had 500.00 on him and came up with a story, a christian man in a bar gave it to him the man said to him " son you need this money more then I do" Well AS went on and on about it in the car how maybe there is a HP and now he believes in miracles. He even cried LOL. Turns out it was the exact amount he needed to make restitution to the courts. What a miracle! We dropped him off at the christian families home he is staying with. When I started to tell them about his miracle he became very angry. Well yesterday I am on-line turns out AS forged a cheque from my account for 500.00 it cleared on the weekend. My bank reversed the charges and sent notice to his bank it was a fraudelent cheque. I guess he thought he would rip us off one last time before going in to program. The pastor and this family have helped him immensley, wonderful caring people. Yesterday the pastor took him for breakfast and they had a great day. My spouse and I did not pay for this program the church raised the money. If he has any more outstanding charges when he goes back he will be asked to leave the program and the church will not get a refund. He called me last nite and begged me not to tell them, I told him to tell them all what he has done or I would. I know he wont tell them, I feel very guilty knowing what he has done and if I dont speak to the pastor about this it will all come out in the wash later. I would look like a liar and an enabler. I told him yesterday I did not want to see him again , no more calls its over. I spent the whole last week getting him ready for this program because he needed help even bought him a suit. I put up with his crappy attitude and demands. What a fool I feel like. There is nothing that comes from his mouth that is the truth, he will con anyone. Oh and he told me if I told on him he would be kicked out on to the street. I said "oh well" I know I need to bring this to the pastors attention I do not want the church to be out this money. I just really need confirmation I am doing the right thing?
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Old 09-29-2009, 06:58 AM
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I know the feelings, struggles and frustrations all too well, having dealt with my own AS, far too many times.

I apologize for not being able to offer any experience or opinion, just reading your post hit too, too close to home. I do want to give you my support and to let you know you are not alone.

I'm sure others will be along quickly with strong wisdom. Once again, I "out here" praying for you in whatever happens.
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Old 09-29-2009, 07:44 AM
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hate so much you are going thru this with your AS -

it is very painful to have your loved ones steal, lie and manipulate you - I know it is part of the disease but that doesn't take away the pain we feel.

I do not know what is right or wrong for you to do in this situation - I would only suggest that you seek your God's direction as to what is best for YOU. Not your AS, not the church, not the pastor - but for YOU. What can be the healthiest decision for YOU. You do have the right to take care of YOU in this matter.

Praying for comfort, strength and wisdom for you as you walk the path of your own recovery in learning to take care of YOU!

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Old 09-29-2009, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by katie44 View Post

I spent the whole last week getting him ready for this program because he needed help even bought him a suit.
Sounds like you decided he needed help and this spurred you into action. ( Been there/done that too many times, too).

Not sure where the " anymore outstanding charges" thing is coming from. Did you file a Police report when you discovered that he stole and forged one of your checks? Do you intend to press charges?

It sounds like you, your pastor and this church have done everything possible to give him the gift of opportunity. It's a gift and there are no strings attached. The rest is up to him.
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:15 AM
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Why do you need confirmation that you are doing the right thing…

And yet I do understand that questions, I so did not want to **** my son up anymore than he was doing on his owe…made a good argument in my head to stay on my side of the street and work on me…and let his path go where it was to go….it certainly did not need me to jump on it, it wasn’t mine!

To let your child feel the consequences of his actions is a gift…
We don’t much learn with everyone around us doing all that “helping“…
Although I am not sure why you spent a week to get him ready, it might have been better to let him get ready to go on his own, he is capable, oh so very capable….and if he didn’t well then he didn’t and that is on him not you and shows one huge truth…doesn’t it?

There is one thing I find confusing, and really tragic in so many ways…

I told him yesterday I did not want to see him again , no more calls its over.
It is over, really???? Over, done, no more … that is it you had enough?

But what is over, and why it is over
And maybe most important who/what put you where you were right in the moment you wrote that…

When we are all ready to cut those out of our lives our children especially I wonder don’t we owe it to ourselves to look in our mirror and find out why…

Does just the simple fact that your child is an addict make him not worth your love, your time, and I am not speaking in the sense of doing anything for as I don’t find that love means one does anything but just love…Love is time, patience and acceptance, in my head anyway….

To see that cut off not only blows my mind because I know there is another way, but also makes me sad for the both child and parent…what power we give away to addiction, power it doesn’t deserve and that takes from us and just feeds into the whole package of insanity.

The insanity isn’t over well until it is over and damn wouldn’t you know it…
It has nothing at all…
No nothing at all to do with whether the ones we love are using or not….
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Old 09-29-2009, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
I told him to tell them all what he has done or I would. I know he wont tell them, I feel very guilty knowing what he has done and if I dont speak to the pastor about this it will all come out in the wash later. I would look like a liar and an enable
i think maybe for now, you've done enough. you've warned him, the program has warned him, you've talked to the pastor in the past and he knows the risk of housing and helping an addict. i know its your son but like you said, it will come out in the wash later and at that time you'll probably have an opportunity to stress to whoever that you can't control what he does, his action is not a reflection on you. i think if the church wants to do so much helping, maybe you could step aside and let them, when they've had enough, then they will allow him to figure out his own way. this may or may not be what it will take for him to want to get serious about recovery. now this is just my opinion. you''ve reported it and got your money back,now focus on you. you all are in my prayers. i pray that your son finds his way soon.

btw, i think you are loving your son enough to be done with his addictive behavior.
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Old 09-29-2009, 11:37 AM
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What do you hope to acheive by telling the pastor?

Are you trying to control the pastor?
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:02 PM
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I have not pressed charges, the bank reversed the charge back to his bank wich means he owes his bank $500.00. Today I receive a call from a manager of a bar it turns out my company credit card was found behind a toilet in one of his seedy hang outs. I checked the card another 500.00 wracked up on it. I realize this is my fault I have allowed him over and over back in to our lives each time hoping that it had changed. When I told him it was over what I meant was " I would no longer allow his chaos in our lives"" "Do not come to our home" " Stop calling me 10 times a day" I love my son dearly, but I also realize by helping him with the things he can do for himself is only keeping him from rock bottom, and truly helping himself. Maybe I did jump into action and help him get ready for this program because it is something I wanted not him. Only he truly knows. All I know is I am tired of this chaos, the lies , the manipulation. I have hit rock bottom.
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:02 PM
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Katie, my heart and prayers go out for you. I know how hard this all is, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Do what feels right in your heart. Pray on it and then I think the answer will come.

For me the answer was to tell the truth when my own integrity was on the line. My son once "sold" 8 different people computers at $100 each, telling them that his mom was getting new computers at her office and was happy to sell them for so little to get rid of the old ones...100% lie.

The phone calls to ME, followed, wondering when they could pick up their computer. I just told them the truth, that my son was an addict (most already knew that) and that there were no computers and that I had only just found out what he had done. I suggested they press charges and insisted they didn't call me again as I had nothing to do with this.

I let my son's business (good or bad) remain his business, unless it directly affected me or my integrity. That's where I drew the line and refused to cover for him or lie.

You'll be okay, Katie, you're moving forward in your recovery even if you cannot see it right now. And I promise you that if you keep moving forward, you will most definitely be okay.

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Old 09-29-2009, 12:25 PM
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I hope to achieve nothing by telling the pastor. What I was concerned about was this pastor raised the funds through the mission to send AS to the rehab program. When my son, my spouse, the pastor and I met he asked AS to be honest regarding all criminal charges. If there were any lies on the application AS would be removed from the program, and not aloud to return. The mission would not be aloud a refund of any kind. There are many addicts waiting to go to this program, that want the program. I do not want to stand in my sons way of obtaining any help, however this is a one year program. After what he has done this week his bank will be filing charges against him. If he does return to the program again there will be a warrant out for his arrest. It is about all these people have come to his aid in the past couple of weeks, the pastor even met with the crown attorney and ask if his previous charges could be held over until he is done the program. A letter was submitted to the program from the courts that AS was free and clear for one year to attend this program. So lets say he does go back to the program next week and in 2 months again there is a warrant out for his arrest. The crown calls the pastor and tells him of this newest charge, I will have to look him in the face and say I already knew about it. AS is removed from the program and I look like the ever so enabling mother. AS is actually going tomorrow to live with the pastor and his family for the week as the family he is with now is going on vacation. I do not want to get in the way of his recovery in any way, I do however feel very guilty knowing what he has done and saying nothing. And NO I am not trying to control the pastor!
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:36 PM
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All I know is I am tired of this chaos, the lies , the manipulation. I have hit rock bottom.
This is what you tell the Pastor, along with the facts about the latest forged $500 check and the $500 on your company credit card which is also fraud.

This young man is an ADULT and you are not doing him any favors by not allowing him to EXERIENCE the CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS.

My mother and I had many long talks once I was sober and clean for a while. I put her her through this same type of H*LL until when I was 33 1/2 she said NO MORE and shut the door in my face, would hang up when I called and did call the cops.

I hope you wise up sooner than she did.

I have always said, once I got sober and clean that the only thing I regretted about her and my dad's action was that they waited so long.


Love and hugs,
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:27 PM
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Katie, I know this is so hard as a mom and I can feel the pain in your post...I'm sorry you are going through this, but also grateful that you have hit the point where you will no longer protect him from consequences.

I do however feel very guilty knowing what he has done and saying nothing
To me, what you wrote here tells me what is best for you. There is no right or wrong answer, IMO - just what is best for Katie.

Hugs and prayers...No matter what you decide, you are not intefering with his recovery in any way. He holds that key and if he wants it, he will get it.
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:53 PM
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I'm sorry for what you are going through but I wanted to second what ((Greet)) said. It really doesn't matter what you decide to do....if your son wants recovery, he will get it. If he doesn't want it, you could put him in a 10 year program and he could con the heck out of them and still find a way to use.

Do what feels right for you, sweetie. Think of YOUR feelings - HE certainly isn't.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 09-30-2009, 02:46 AM
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Sending love, hugs, and prayers your way. Trust your gut, Katie. Do what is right for YOU. Do not try to control things for your son anymore, just for YOU.

I think sometimes doing NOTHING is an action also, if that helps.
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:33 AM
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I agree with the last couple of posters. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, if your son wants recovery, he'll get it. If he wants to use, he'll use. So put yourself first, and if that means telling the pastor (you don't deserve guilt over this!) then go ahead. Addiction wants us to keep secrets. Shine the light on your son. Anyone else he stole 1000 dollars from would certainly do so! Once you tell him that, since you're going No Contact, then the ball is totally in the pastor's court, including any funds he raises through the church.
What a complicated and painful situation. I'm so sorry but keep pushing through! Hugs and love from NC.
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:47 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand because I have been going through it with my AS. He just was placed in a year long program by the courts last week. I totally understand you helping him get ready to go because you were happy he was getting help. They are still our sons even though they are addicts. I have told my son several times I love him but I hate his addict. Sometimes it is hard to separate the two because we know what they were like before the addiction took over and we would do anything to help get them back. It is true though he does have to suffer his own consequences so he will learn and this is the hardest thing for a parent to let happen. Never in a million years would I have thought I could sleep at night with my son being in jail and in the end it was a comfort to me because I knew he was finally safe. In this situation I am not sure what the right thing to do is. My guess is the right thing would be to tell the pastor but honestly, I don't know if I could. You could tell the Pastor about the check and let him decide what to do. Either way it will catch up with you son sooner or later. It is true no amount of treatment will work until the addict is tired of living that way. We have been through it several times and each time my son said he wanted it. It breaks my heart to think they will have to fight this for the rest of their lives.

Does the bank press criminal charges or do they just go to collections? My son had faked deposits through the ATM and a collection agency kept calling for the money but no charges we pressed.

Do the best thing for you. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
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Old 09-30-2009, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
And NO I am not trying to control the pastor!
I was trying to imply that hopefully you, by sharing information with the pastor, weren't trying to get him to handle the situation a certain way. As in, I want the pastor to do this, so I'll tell him this.

And I didn't necessarily think that was your motive - just throwing it out there as a possibility - food for thought as they say.
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