redsox526

Hi, have not posted much on here, but in my free time I find valuable information reading posts that many of you have left. I have been dating a Recovering Drug Addict for about 18 months now. I found out that he was a Recovering Addict on our 3rd date, which at the time I had already kinda fallen for him. When we met, he was 10 months into Recovery. Not sure if that was too early to start dating him!?!? But his sponsor did give it the go ahead. He celebrated 14months and wound up relapsing, he used 2/3 times within that period, until I encountered him while high. The next day he admitted to me, that he had used and was going to get back into his Recovery, which he has.. he will celebrating a year again this coming month. At the time of relapse, I was not sure if the whole not dating a year thing should start over.. should I had ended things at that point in time!? He seems to be coming along well with his Recovery and is very involved in his program. Honestly, I'm not sure what kind of information I'm looking for, maybe just support.. I have never been involved with drugs myself, so this is all new to me. Our relationship is good for the most part, I sometimes feel a little lonely.. Our time together is limited due to scheduling conflicts, and he seems to enjoy his me time, which I totally understand. I cannot really talk to friends or family about our relationship, because they really just don't get it. Some of them would probably ask me what I was doing in such a relationship.. But I see the good in my boyfriend, my family likes him, and I truly believe he is a wonderful human being. That does not stop me from worrying though, ever since his relapse and he lied straight to my face, I worry about if and when it ever happens again.. Are there many people out there that have recovered and have had healthy/working relationships!? I would truly like to see ours work!!


Thanks for listening.. Ill stop rambling now..

headinthesand

I'm new to this board, so probably shouldn't be giving advice, but in reading your post, I'm scared for you. I've been married for almost 15 years, of which probably most of the time, my husband was an alcoholic, but now he's graduated to painkillers....in recovery, but I cannot tell you the heart ache I have suffered as he's gotten on and off the wagon....not to mention our two young children. They don't deserve this. So, I guess my advice is be SURE before you marry and have children with this man. Then, it becomes a whole new ballgame. You deserve someone who won't put you through this. Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back guys, you'll find a lot of support here.

redsox526

Headinthesand,

Thank you for response, new or not, your response is valuable. I definitely have heard that from many people, and I know the best people to find information from are those that understand. I will definitely have to do some major soul searching before deciding to marry or start a family. I realize if I do, I'm putting myself into a situation that may consist of much heartache.. I'm afraid to face the reality of it, but I will have to when the time comes.. I don't feel that I should not pursue a relationship with him because of his previous addiction, but I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. No excuse, I know. I would never not had pursued a relationship with him knowing about his past addiction.. I love him with all my heart, but that won't do much for me if he does not continue with his recovery. Thank you for your advice, it is very much appreciated.

I also hope for you, that your husbands recovery goes well this time, and he works the program:-):-)

greeteachday

Have you considered trying Alanon or Naranon...maybe while he is working his program or enjoying his me time? I suggest that especially since you said you really can't talk about your relationship with others since they wouldn't get it. Folks in the anon programs definitely get it and the face to face support is great.

I understand your concerns and I particular understand how you feel about the lies...unfortunately there is no magic crystal ball to show who stays in recovery and who doesn't The fact that he jumped back into his program pretty quickly sure sounds positive. It certainly is easier not to have the fear of relapse in one's life but at the same time, it's been my experience that many of the addicts in recovery I've been privileged to know are some of the most caring, insightful folks going. They have been to hell and back and have found a better way to live.

You sound like you are thinking with your head as well as your heart and that's a good thing. Keep reaching out.

redsox526

Thanks Greeteachday,

I definitely should consider checking out a al-anon or nar-anon meeting. I think it would be beneficial, I've just been putting it off. Not sure why!? And you are totally right, I could not see myself ending our relationship based on the fear of relapse. My boyfriend, definitely hit his rock bottom and the fact he got back into recovery so quickly was a good sign. Had he not, I doubt that I would had stayed. I think that if he sticks with Recovery as he is now, he can probably be one of the most compassionate people I know and he definitely appreciates life.. because of the fact that he has been to hell and back. Thank you so much for your response. It is greatly appreciated.

bluebelle

Welcome! My boyfriend is also an addict. He seems to be in recovery as well. He used for about 7 years, and had about 10 months clean, and now he's on about 10 months. It is good that you are reaching out and educating yourself. One problem I've had is with isolating myself with others. For a long time, I hid his addiction, and didn't share my concerns with anybody. It has taken awhile, but I do have a couple of friends who I feel comfortable talking to. I wish that I hadn't let myself get so isolated.

I am most frustrated when my boyfriend lies. It goes along with addiction--the lying is a big part of it. If you haven't done so yet, I suggest you read the stickies at the top of the page. They are very helpful to me.

teke

hi, just want to welcome you to sr. good advice above, keep posting. i pray that your bf continues to do well.

hello-kitty

Why not just go to the alanon meeting and see what it's all about. It could be very helpful for you. Think of it as your part (the family/friends part) of his recovery.

I notice that a lot of spouses/sig others expect the recovering addicts in their lives to go to meetings, but they are never really willing to step outside their comfort zone and go to one themselves.

Don't expect others to do what you are not willing to do yourself.

It is a good sign that he got back into recovery quickly. However, I just want to caution you that you can never say when someone has hit their rock bottom. It's very subjective. Some people don't hit it until they are 6 feet under. One of the best sayings I've heard in recovery is, "The only way to hit rock bottom is to quit digging and look up." Rock bottom isn't concrete. Things will always get worse if an addict uses again.

covington

Welcome! When you shared that it's hard to talk with your

I've felt the same way. In time I've realized that my closest friends and my sister are really in my corner and don't want me to get hurt. I think it was my intuition knowing I might get hurt and they might not like it that made me think they might not understand.


re: Al Anon (or maybe Nar Anon) I'm totally a newcomer but I've felt welcome there and there's a lot of wisdom and decades of others' experience to be shared in those meetings. That way if your BF does relapse it isn't about HIM--in your mind your life is still about YOU, how your life exists first and foremost for you, and is run by you. If he relapses, he either will or will not jump right back at recovery but either way you may be more likely to have reflected on what strategies work for you to preserve your peace, sanity, and long term happiness.

I'm glad your BF is in recovery, and hope you keep coming back. :-)

redsox526

I am extremely grateful for all of your responses to my post. They are all very helpful and I feel good that there are so many people out there that can somewhat relate to my relationship. I will definitely have to give al-anon or nar-anon a shot. My boyfriend kind of keeps his recovery to himself, which is fine. I know he shares it with others that he feels can relate to him. So, I am unsure that he would be totally open to me going to al-anon/nar-anon meetings. I feel that he thinks they are for those that were around the addict when using!? Not sure, but I should definitely get to it, for my own sanity.

Bluebelle - I definitely agree with you. My friends and family do not want me to get hurt as well, which makes me think they will tell me to leave the relationship if I share my fears with them. Ill definitely check out the stickies. Hope your bf is doing well with his recovery as well this time around:-)

anvilhead - you are also very right, what is the rush to make any commitments at this moment in time. i would have to do alot of thinking, before taking the next step in our relationship. as much as I would want to, there are many things that I would have to consider and be willing to accept if need be.

Covington - I can totally relate to the fact that you worried your family & friends would not want to see you hurt. That is a major concern of mine as well. I don't want them to judge my bf on his addiction, because right now, while in recovery he is one of the best human beings that I have ever met.

hello kitty - you are totally correct as well, i do need to step outside of my boundaries and help myself while he is helping himself. It would probably be beneficial for me and our relationship. There is still a lot that I would like to learn from other people.

Thanks Again Everyone for your Responses. It's unimaginable how grateful I am.