stupid!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
stupid!
Since the whole mess with my AH is going to be on the news.
I figured it would be smart to finally let some close (well sorta close) people know what was going on, so they didn't freak out or think I dont know what.
I've kept this a secret for sooooooooo long.
NOW I FEEL SO STUPID......WHAT DID I DO?!!!! MAYBE THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT! I even 3 people my ah uses h.
It was like I was drunk and blabbed my life secrets!
(it was 3 in the afternoon! not fueled by alcohol!!!!)
What the hell did I do that for.
I let my son's teacher know that there was to be some bad press about my husband. I also let the principle know.
WHY DID I DO THIS?
I wish I hadn't!!!!!!!!
WHy DID I DO THIS!!!!!AGGGGGGGGGH!
now I'm terrified to go to my son's school tomorrow.
One of the more closer mom's at my son's school called me to talk (no one other then you here and my mom have ever discussed my situation)...wow it was good to get someone else's view.
She has also known MANY women in my situation. She said however it must be a BIG Secret. I live in a snooty kinda part of the city. She said dont tell anyone anything. Pretend like all is well.
..........I DID FOR ALMOST A YEAR....!
Now I feel so stupid.........did I ruin my my future here....
(I'm new to this area and have no 'deep' real friends here, just other moms at school.)............and yes I'm working on trying to make friends.....it's just a little hard right now..
Someone please tell me what the hell did I do that for!
Maybe no one would even see the news.
(well I know some would, but maybe it would just not be talked about...i dont know.!)
I cant sleep !!!! I'm so embarassed, I just want to move again.
....I'VE MOVED 6 TIME IN THE LAST 2 YEARS!...........
(now I know why!...my ah needed to hide from dealers etc...)
I thought he was just going after better work...ha stupid me again!
What do I do now!!!
please, please some advice
I figured it would be smart to finally let some close (well sorta close) people know what was going on, so they didn't freak out or think I dont know what.
I've kept this a secret for sooooooooo long.
NOW I FEEL SO STUPID......WHAT DID I DO?!!!! MAYBE THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT! I even 3 people my ah uses h.
It was like I was drunk and blabbed my life secrets!
(it was 3 in the afternoon! not fueled by alcohol!!!!)
What the hell did I do that for.
I let my son's teacher know that there was to be some bad press about my husband. I also let the principle know.
WHY DID I DO THIS?
I wish I hadn't!!!!!!!!
WHy DID I DO THIS!!!!!AGGGGGGGGGH!
now I'm terrified to go to my son's school tomorrow.
One of the more closer mom's at my son's school called me to talk (no one other then you here and my mom have ever discussed my situation)...wow it was good to get someone else's view.
She has also known MANY women in my situation. She said however it must be a BIG Secret. I live in a snooty kinda part of the city. She said dont tell anyone anything. Pretend like all is well.
..........I DID FOR ALMOST A YEAR....!
Now I feel so stupid.........did I ruin my my future here....
(I'm new to this area and have no 'deep' real friends here, just other moms at school.)............and yes I'm working on trying to make friends.....it's just a little hard right now..
Someone please tell me what the hell did I do that for!
Maybe no one would even see the news.
(well I know some would, but maybe it would just not be talked about...i dont know.!)
I cant sleep !!!! I'm so embarassed, I just want to move again.
....I'VE MOVED 6 TIME IN THE LAST 2 YEARS!...........
(now I know why!...my ah needed to hide from dealers etc...)
I thought he was just going after better work...ha stupid me again!
What do I do now!!!
please, please some advice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Don't be too hard on yourself, when I had some very unpleasant things dumped in my lap, I found myself telling complete strangers. And people I did know.
Just how some of us react.
Learn your lesson here-I have, I think.
Share your story with discretion-Toby Rice Drews
Just how some of us react.
Learn your lesson here-I have, I think.
Share your story with discretion-Toby Rice Drews
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
BUT i wasn't discreet!
what do I do now?
I just want to curl up and hide.
I was SOOoo carefull for so long! why did I have to blow it!
I hate the stress and pain this is doing to my mind! I can't think straight anymore.
I sleep only about 4 hours every night.
I'm going insane!
what do I do now?
I just want to curl up and hide.
I was SOOoo carefull for so long! why did I have to blow it!
I hate the stress and pain this is doing to my mind! I can't think straight anymore.
I sleep only about 4 hours every night.
I'm going insane!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Actually telling your son's teacher and the principal was a very GOOD thing.
They will be aware should there be any 'adverse' reaction to your son, from other children who hear 'things' out of their parents mouths. Yes, that does go on in all neighborhoods and especially upper middle class.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
What you have to do, is get some counseling, and/or hit some Al-Anon meetings to figure out what your next moves are for you and your child. Obviously, the current stress and problems are not good for either of you.
Now take some slow deep breaths. Hold each one in to the count of 10. This will slow down your system, your stress and your brain. Do it 10 times, then repeat.
I don't know where you live, but I can tell you that in my state CPS is always checking the news and when they see adverse things that could affect a child in the home they do a home check .......................... so be prepared. Have a plan ready and in place ie if he is being released on bail you will be getting a restraining order (might be a good idea to get one any way to keep him out of the home) etc.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
They will be aware should there be any 'adverse' reaction to your son, from other children who hear 'things' out of their parents mouths. Yes, that does go on in all neighborhoods and especially upper middle class.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
What you have to do, is get some counseling, and/or hit some Al-Anon meetings to figure out what your next moves are for you and your child. Obviously, the current stress and problems are not good for either of you.
Now take some slow deep breaths. Hold each one in to the count of 10. This will slow down your system, your stress and your brain. Do it 10 times, then repeat.
I don't know where you live, but I can tell you that in my state CPS is always checking the news and when they see adverse things that could affect a child in the home they do a home check .......................... so be prepared. Have a plan ready and in place ie if he is being released on bail you will be getting a restraining order (might be a good idea to get one any way to keep him out of the home) etc.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
You tell whomever you need or want to tell. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is NOT ON YOU.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Absolutely. For years, I told NOBODY the truth about my life. When I finally was ready, it came out of my mouth. Believe me, I panicked. I worried about what people were going to think of me. I was scared. BUT... I was also proud of myself for finally letting it in to the light. I was proud for telling those that I believed would need to know for my kids sake. I wasn't always discrete or picky about who or what I told... I spoke when it felt right and told my truth. If others judge you... shame on them, not on you.
It will be ok. Keep coming here, get to some meetings if you can and seek all the help you need and can find. You don't have to hide any more... well, actually you... we neved had to hide... but we did... you broke free... it will get better.
It will be ok. Keep coming here, get to some meetings if you can and seek all the help you need and can find. You don't have to hide any more... well, actually you... we neved had to hide... but we did... you broke free... it will get better.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something I'd like to add here is that when people would ask me questions about things like this, or things I did not want to discuss, I had a couple of pat replies that usually ended the questioning very quickly...
I'm sorry, this is very personal and something I cannot discuss right now.
or
This is not about me and you should direct all questions to _____ .
or
Thank you for caring but this is not something I can talk about without getting very upset.
Repeat if necessary.
Repeat again, if necessary
Walk away/hang up/disconnect if necessary.
My point is, WE get to decide what we will discuss and with whom. What they "think" is their problem, not mine.
Hugs and prayers going out for you, sometimes it stinks to be us.
I'm sorry, this is very personal and something I cannot discuss right now.
or
This is not about me and you should direct all questions to _____ .
or
Thank you for caring but this is not something I can talk about without getting very upset.
Repeat if necessary.
Repeat again, if necessary
Walk away/hang up/disconnect if necessary.
My point is, WE get to decide what we will discuss and with whom. What they "think" is their problem, not mine.
Hugs and prayers going out for you, sometimes it stinks to be us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
The way I see it, addiction feeds on lies, cover ups, dark alleys, fear, ignorance, and SHAME.
When we stop feeding the beast, it starts to starve its way out of our lives. It took a decade for me to tell my family and close friends what was really going on behind the curtain in my relationship. They were surprised, but not entirely because they all sensed something was going on they just couldn't see what it was. It took them time to absorb and comprehend what I had told them so I had to give them time to process the news as well.
Don't take negative reactions from folks personally as they may just be finding this out and need to get over the initial surprise of it.
Don't be surprised that others think you should cover it up or hide from the news, because it's a scary thing, and we all hide from scary things, right?
I'm not saying you have to strut around and be proud of the news. I'm just saying to let the shame go. What's been said is right, IT'S HIM, IT'S NOT YOU!!!
Stand up for you and your children. The only defense he deserves at the moment is what he is entitled to by law in court. No defence by you is warranted.
Hang in there!!
Alice
When we stop feeding the beast, it starts to starve its way out of our lives. It took a decade for me to tell my family and close friends what was really going on behind the curtain in my relationship. They were surprised, but not entirely because they all sensed something was going on they just couldn't see what it was. It took them time to absorb and comprehend what I had told them so I had to give them time to process the news as well.
Don't take negative reactions from folks personally as they may just be finding this out and need to get over the initial surprise of it.
Don't be surprised that others think you should cover it up or hide from the news, because it's a scary thing, and we all hide from scary things, right?
I'm not saying you have to strut around and be proud of the news. I'm just saying to let the shame go. What's been said is right, IT'S HIM, IT'S NOT YOU!!!
Stand up for you and your children. The only defense he deserves at the moment is what he is entitled to by law in court. No defence by you is warranted.
Hang in there!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: 49th State
Posts: 41
I just faced this same situation this weekend. My AAH's mother called and wanted to know just what he was on. I only told her alcohol and pills, not the whole truth, which is also h, because I knew there was no way she could handle THAT. She denied him drinking and using pills, actually told me "I don't believe it!" So I was totally kicking myself for even telling her what I did! But after a while, once I calmed down, I was glad that I did at least tell her those things. He has told her that he doesn't even drink anymore, when in actuality, he hasn't had a sober/clean day in 2 years!
It was good you told the teacher and the principal. Really, because they can put a stop to any teasing or things that kids just do to each other. It also gives them a heads up when maybe your child is having an "off" day. It will be okay, really.
You did the right thing.
It was good you told the teacher and the principal. Really, because they can put a stop to any teasing or things that kids just do to each other. It also gives them a heads up when maybe your child is having an "off" day. It will be okay, really.
You did the right thing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
You know, this is when I found it really helpful to have friends in recovery. My earthling friends were shocked and appalled by some of the things going on in my world. My recovery friends? Nothing surprises them anymore. And they knew the right things to do and say, the right questions to ask me... so I could keep my focus on me and not on the A who was all over the news.
I don't remember if you go to Al Anon or not, but if not, now is a really good time to go. Trust me on this one.
Hugs
Cats
I don't remember if you go to Al Anon or not, but if not, now is a really good time to go. Trust me on this one.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I do believe the truth does set us free.
Do you want people in your life who only "like" the "fake /non-real" you?
This is a decent litmus test for who will actually become real friends and who would judge you for all sorts of things you do not need to be judged for.
As my life has been played out on Tv/front page I have occasionally "come out" to people I know casually on a first name basis. In general people have been overwhelmingly supportive.
If I feel that some one has a salacious interest in the story/me I am careful around that person and what I reveal.
Really though, I only want people in my life who know my story and accept me and my truth (that I made a big mistake in who I chose to marry)
I ALWAYS TELL MY KIDS TEACHERS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON. IT HAS MEANT REVEALING VERY VERY PERSONAL INFORMATION.
It is definitely the right thing to do.
The children always come before my personal pride.
Do you want people in your life who only "like" the "fake /non-real" you?
This is a decent litmus test for who will actually become real friends and who would judge you for all sorts of things you do not need to be judged for.
As my life has been played out on Tv/front page I have occasionally "come out" to people I know casually on a first name basis. In general people have been overwhelmingly supportive.
If I feel that some one has a salacious interest in the story/me I am careful around that person and what I reveal.
Really though, I only want people in my life who know my story and accept me and my truth (that I made a big mistake in who I chose to marry)
I ALWAYS TELL MY KIDS TEACHERS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON. IT HAS MEANT REVEALING VERY VERY PERSONAL INFORMATION.
It is definitely the right thing to do.
The children always come before my personal pride.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I think you did the right thing by coming clean to someone. And if people treat you badly because of something that your husband did then that is their shortcoming, not yours.
Hold your head high, just as you said. You don't have to hold your breath anymore. People know and this is a good thing.
You may be the example someone out there who is suffering in silence may need to come out into daylight and get the help they need for themselves and their families.
Hold your head high, just as you said. You don't have to hold your breath anymore. People know and this is a good thing.
You may be the example someone out there who is suffering in silence may need to come out into daylight and get the help they need for themselves and their families.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
hey no name calling -
that's one of the first things we learn in recovery - you wouldn't talk to your best friend like that - you wouldn't call her "stupid" so honey, please please don't call yourself that.
NO ONE deserves to be called an unkind name.
We are all doing the best we can with what we have - making the best choices with what info we have at the present moment -
YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!!!
You are a person dealing with a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
Take a deep breathe, hold that head up and face each day with the knowledge that you are doing better today because you and your HP made it thru yesterday - You know more today than you did yesterday, you are stronger, wiser, and more courageous each day!!
Please take good care of YOU!!!
HUGS,
Rita
that's one of the first things we learn in recovery - you wouldn't talk to your best friend like that - you wouldn't call her "stupid" so honey, please please don't call yourself that.
NO ONE deserves to be called an unkind name.
We are all doing the best we can with what we have - making the best choices with what info we have at the present moment -
YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!!!
You are a person dealing with a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
Take a deep breathe, hold that head up and face each day with the knowledge that you are doing better today because you and your HP made it thru yesterday - You know more today than you did yesterday, you are stronger, wiser, and more courageous each day!!
Please take good care of YOU!!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Seriously now, it sounds like you are at risk of loosing your own idenity to whatever it is, that your husband does. You are not responsible.
People will treat you as you treat yourself. Stop behaving like you are responsible for this and remember:
It could be worse. You could be Mrs. Madoff.
People will treat you as you treat yourself. Stop behaving like you are responsible for this and remember:
It could be worse. You could be Mrs. Madoff.
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