so conflicted!!!....how do balance support vs. anger?
 

I have posted a couple of times about my A sister. She was released from the hospital last week and is now living with my parents. I know she is attending NA and AA meetings. I have only had a few conversations with her. The first was brief when she was in the hospital and she was clearly a mess - detoxing and ashamed- and I was supportive. It felt right to just be as supportive as I could in that first conversation. I told her that she was doing the right thing , that she could do this, and that I loved her.

What I am now conflicted about is how to provide support for her but also be honest about how angry I am. And frankly I just dont know what to believe. She lied ALOT to my parents, and me, our sister, and friends over the last 8 months since she broke up with her boyfriend and moved in with my parents. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me about her meetings and that she has sponsor and then she went on and on about the urine testing and how they detected cocaine and ecstasy, which of course "she NEVER took!" (supposedly she has just had an Rx pill addiction).....But her boyfriend did crush pills up for her to snort so as (according to her) the doctors said, "well , who knows what your boyfriend gave you. he might have said that they were pills but there could have been other things in there".........And I'm thinking to myself "you haven't seen your boyfriend in 8 months...can they STILL detect ecstasy in your system after 8 months???" Now, I have NO idea what these tests are capable of detecting...but, I dont know, my interanl bull***t radar was going off for some reason. I guess in part because she was going on and on about it.

How have you handled this sort of inner conflict? I feel that although she has a history of SERIOUS manipulation and lying that I should assume that that was all b/c of the drugs, and always give her the benefit of the doubt because she at this critical, fragile turning point.....but that requires that I really bite my tongue.

any advice? thank you so much....

Trust is earned, not a given. It took years and years for my parents to trust me, and rightfully so.

What are you doing to help yourself heal from the effects of your sister's addiction? Have you checked into any Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area? It's hard for me to be supportive of anyone if I'm not taking care of myself first. :)

hi i agree with above posters, watch her actions but take care of you.your anger maybe something that you will have to work on for you, even without her help. you and your family are in my prayers

Sometimes the best way to support someone is to take a giant step back and let them find their own way...or not.

And be careful of the anger, it will eat you alive if you let it. They say that holding resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Anger, resentments, and fear are demons we each have to deal with for ourselves. Nobody else can "fix" them for us. I'm told that the antidote to resentments is forgiveness, which is not about condoning what was done, but more so about letting go of the pain we attach to them.

Hugs

I found (after a few times of trusting blindly and wearing blinders) that my best bet was to be supportive by showing love and letting my daughter know that I knew this wasn't easy and I had admiration for the strength it took to keep trying. I let her actions show me what was going on. As she got stronger in her recovery, her actions helped me let go of the anger because I could see that she was working on herself and making the positive changes she needed to make. At the same time, i worked on me through Naranon and coming here and the negative emotions just faded away. Just my experience.