mrsck09

hello all, I have been using this website for over a year and FINALLY been able to sign up and now speaking out. everyone here has been so helpful with me as I am dealing with my addict husband. I give you my story. I married my highschool sweetheart and we have grown up together so we been through a lot. there was always pot in the picture but when my husband had knee surgery he started with vicoden and well now hes on Herion. I stopped smoking weed and cigs to start a family. It took 3 years and 3 miscarriages and finally we have 2 beautiful children My daughter just turned 3 sept and then my son will be 1 Oct . when my daughter was about 10mths old, we had huge financial problems and I ran across some powder crap in my husbands backpack. that was the first time I had ever felt betraided . I confronted him and he said it was not coke it was pills smashed up. I believe him he was in tears. well ended up coming clean at the dinner table that he was hooked on vicoden and needed help. so we did the first rehab thing basically found a dr to give him Subs. I had no idea he was acutally sniffing oxycotins! that is so true when they say an addict wont be honest with their drug abuse. So he supposed was clean unil January07 then relapsed. I got pregant then and well lost count on how many times he was on /off the pills. I am not sure when -but he upgraded to sniffin Herion . We had our son in oct and then had 3 dealth in the family- his step father, grandfather and uncle all within 30 days! He finally snapped out of it (so I thought) somehow got clean again on subs and we went on a trip out of the country so I know he was clean. Well a month after we got home in May he relapsed again. Then he realized he wanted to get better again and joined an outpatient rehab July 09. He was in it 4 weeks 3 or 4 hours a day. He told his job so he was on disability leave for it. He started AA meetings an I started alanon. stared marriage counsling too. I thought everything was on track but then on Sept 3 or 4th he didnt make it to the aa meeting and just disappeared - couldnt reach him or find him. finally at 9pm i got a text said I am ashamed and I cant come home. Well of course i knew what that meant. come to find out he got caught pickin up some h durning work and was in jail. I was as positive as possible and got him to come home. he supposely went through withdraws and Sept 6 (was our 6 year anniversay) and he was completly sick for ! Our daughter had to have surgery on the 8th and stay at the hospital for a week with her. he pulled himself together for it and was crying about losing his job. I ended up finding out he was using while we were up there! you just dont get clean off H in a few days and feel better again. So then we get home from the hospital on Sept 11 and he took off again. HASNT SEEN THE KIDS SINCE THEN! He missed his daugters 3rd b-day and it devistated me and the rest of the family. hes been shacked up with his cousing who is a dealer/user of h . I have ran into him once trying to follow my "be nice" assign for alnon and give him a gas card ! So I have been doing the single mother thing since . I got a few text here and there from him and they have been mean and then nice ! I assume its when hes high or needing a fix. In the meantime I started to become a private detective and my life is now a wreck . I had to take all the lttle bit of money we have left and moved it cause he wiped out half the account. I had to change the locks on the house cause he came in and took stuff to sell for drugs. its so out of control! My daughter is wondering where her father is and i am lost for words. I work full time so I haul the kids to and from daycare and just a day ago I found a syring in my car. My husband is scared of needles and NEVER thought he would come to that point! I sent him the meanest text in my life about that needle. How could he do that and leave that in my car for my daughter to come across! I am now livid and just want to file. I cannot trust him for **** and were is financial ruins. then I went looking for something in our other vehicle and came across his work truck stuff and found a box of his supplies for shooting and reciept dated 8/19 for syringes! so hes been shooting up for over a month now ! Now i am in a panic thinking hes been using dirty needles since he took off with no money, and catching diseases ! I cannot have that around me or the children now were in danger. I am so upset I have been suffering stomach achs and crying all the time. I am doing my best to keep myself together for the kids and have had a ton of family support. Not to mention my sponsor through alnon and the meetings I go to every week. I am on step 4 an started my personal inventory beteween the kids naps. My sponsor said this will help me get to my higher power but damn I am hurting and just want to wake up from this nightmere! My husband now has reached out to his mom saying he misses the kids (didnt even mention me) and now she is going to take him to methdone clinic tuesday and going to let him stay with her. she has 2 high school kids living there and no husband he passed away in December. I am not sure if this will help him or just enable him. He will not go to impatient . I just need let her deal with him now. I am stuck. Do I file Divorce to protect me and kids from him? I know this problem will always be there now that its here and the pattern of him not staying clean is becoming too much for me. Do I just cut my losses and try to start my life over? Is there anyone who has been able to stay with a recovered h addict and survived the statistics? well I feel a bit a relief typing this out!

outonalimb

Mrsck...
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you finally posted.

My exah was also a heroin addict. He started using heroin when our son was 3 years old.

Reading your post takes me back to the 'dark days'. I too was a wreck...working full time...taking care of our son by my self...I cried all the time...I just couldn't believe what was happening.

I divorced my husband because I knew he would destroy my life and the life of our son if I didn't. Only you know what the right choice is for your situation.

I guess the biggest thing I can tell you is that you are definitely not alone. Lots of people here have gone thru something very similar. You'll find alot of great support here.
Also, you aren't trapped even though you may feel like it at times. You aren't tied to your husband's choices and decisions. You have the ability to create a calm, peaceful life for yourself. Some of us found that we needed to divorce to find that life... some of us stayed but found recovery and peace for ourselves anyway.

Welcome again.
I'm glad you're here.

Ann

Welcome to SR, I'm glad you finally came out of the shadows and posted.

I'm sorry for your situation, the most important thing is to keep you and your children safe.

What you choose to do to accomplish this is entirely up to you, but maybe start by making a list of what you can and cannot live with in your life and go from there.

Something that has helped many of us here has been to go to meetings and surround ourselves with live support also. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that can help you more than you can imagine. Maybe give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Keeping you and your children in my prayers.

Hugs

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

teke

hi, sorry that you are having to deal with all of this but i'm so glad you decided to join us.i agree with the others, its up to you to decide whether to divorce or not. i tried to stay with my ah so as not to be a statistic while steady losing my sanity. it took me 21yrs of this before i realized that my sanity and protecting the kids were more important than worrying about statistics.

if i had to make a suggestion, it would be for you to follow your gut feelings and do what you think is best for you and your kids. if his mom wants to help or enable, i agree with you, LET HER. there is nothing you can do about her either, i've tried that too. i know its hard right now, but one day at a time, you will get through all of this, i think you are well on your way down that road to recovery. you and your family are in my prayers.

rayofsunshine

Welcome Mrsck09. Glad you're posting, but sorry for the difficult time you are going
through. I never thought my AH would miss birthdays either... but his addiction got
worse and he did. He missed the kids ballgames too. Just recently, missed his oldest
daughters high school graduation. I could never imagine missing such important events
in my children's lives. Chances are those addicted once couldn't imagine it either,
but when the addiction is in control, nothing matters but getting the next fix.

Glad you're in ala-non, that will help you alot. So you already know not to take his using personally. You can't change him, only he can change himself. Maybe use this time he's away to let him figure things out on his own. Make sure you and the kids are doing something "fun" on the weekends to get your mind off things.

Sometimes we just need to give it time, keep reading and posting, and getting stronger, you'll know what is best for you and the kids.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hello and welcome to SR!
Read around and you will find lots of support here.

I agree with all the other posters above me.

Do protect yourself as cynical has suggested.

As far as the above questions... you don't have to have the answers to them at this moment. Take your time, get your ducks in a row and detach, away from him to where you can be of sound mind to make major decisions like these (divorce, etc.). Right now you are fueled with anger and resentment and that isn't a good place to make decisions in.

Get yourself detached first, then heal, then make your decisions.

((HUGS)))

hello-kitty

First things first. I think so often we jump ahead of ourselves and start shouting "divorce divorce" before we are ready to do so.

The first step should be to take a deep breath, calm down, and then start protecting yourself - financially and physically. Take care of your basic needs like food, shelter & safety. Keep your thoughts in the present. It may not feel like it but the future will work itself out.

You can tell your daughter (the next time she asks) "Daddy had to go away but I am here to take care of you and I will never leave you. I love you very much." When she asks where or why, you can tell her that he's got "adult problems to take care of and when they are fixed he will come back." Don't make a big deal about it.

As far as the addict goes, do not worry about him. He is a big boy and he is taking care of his own needs right now. Your number one priority is the safety and security of your children.

You didn't cause his problem. You can't control his problem. You can't cure his problem.

Keep reading and posting here! You'll find lots of great support. Knowledge is power.

PS. If you are going to file for anything, I'd file for a separation so that at least you won't incur anymore of his debts. And if you feel threatened you may want to file for a restraining order.