old member, different name, long absence
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh, little Meggie STAR! So good to see you, so sad to hear how hurt you are right now.
I echo the above... get the depression taken care of. A little change in brain chemistry can work WONDERS.
Then read your opening post and substitute his drug of choice for "Him" and "he". Your path sounds so much like that of an addict. Imagine what you would tell your husband about getting back on the wagon, then have that little talk with yourself.
Posting here is a great first step.... now go take another... and another... and.
Love you, sweetie... please post again soon. And include pics of the new little twinkle star, please!
I echo the above... get the depression taken care of. A little change in brain chemistry can work WONDERS.
Then read your opening post and substitute his drug of choice for "Him" and "he". Your path sounds so much like that of an addict. Imagine what you would tell your husband about getting back on the wagon, then have that little talk with yourself.
Posting here is a great first step.... now go take another... and another... and.
Love you, sweetie... please post again soon. And include pics of the new little twinkle star, please!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello old friend....and welcome home. 
I'm so glad you are reaching out to others....keep doing that so we can all help to share a bit of the load you're bearing right now.
When I'm in crisis I try to remind myself that things will get better even though it doesn't look, feel or seem that way. Please take gentle care of yourself.
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. ********{Mama22Boys}}}}}
I'm so glad you are reaching out to others....keep doing that so we can all help to share a bit of the load you're bearing right now.
When I'm in crisis I try to remind myself that things will get better even though it doesn't look, feel or seem that way. Please take gentle care of yourself.
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. ********{Mama22Boys}}}}}
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
I remember you! Welcome back and welcome home Meggie, it's good to hear you share it all out here. I'm sending prayers of peace for you and your family, and hope that the hurt lessens soon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
mama,
that is a lot at one time, just breath.
Congrats on the new baby. Boy? or Girl? weighing in at _____lbs. ____oz.
I think just as our addicts have relapses, we too can relapse. You came back here, so you know what tools are there to help you, you know SR is here to help you. Just slow down, relax, remember "One day at a Time".
Your baby not nursing well could be the baby senses your stress and anxiety. I believe babies sense when their mama isn't feeling right. Glad you are reading about ppd. I believe I suffered from ppd after the birth of my son 25 years ago, only I had never heard of it and didn't know what was wrong with me. Like you, there was a great deal of stress going on in other areas of life at the time. I wish I would have had some of the knowledge and tools I have today, back then. Just to know ppd even existed would have been helpful, I really thought I was crazy!
You will get through all this.
Praying for you and baby.
that is a lot at one time, just breath.
Congrats on the new baby. Boy? or Girl? weighing in at _____lbs. ____oz.
I think just as our addicts have relapses, we too can relapse. You came back here, so you know what tools are there to help you, you know SR is here to help you. Just slow down, relax, remember "One day at a Time".
Your baby not nursing well could be the baby senses your stress and anxiety. I believe babies sense when their mama isn't feeling right. Glad you are reading about ppd. I believe I suffered from ppd after the birth of my son 25 years ago, only I had never heard of it and didn't know what was wrong with me. Like you, there was a great deal of stress going on in other areas of life at the time. I wish I would have had some of the knowledge and tools I have today, back then. Just to know ppd even existed would have been helpful, I really thought I was crazy!
You will get through all this.
Praying for you and baby.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Welcome back, Meg. No need to feel badly about what's happened. I'm grateful you've made your way back and pray you'll keep walking through the pain to the peace.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Meggie
I am so glad you are back here with us. You have had a FULL year!! Congratulations on your new baby and please....please take care of you.Give yourself lots of love. And keep posting when you can!
I am so glad you are back here with us. You have had a FULL year!! Congratulations on your new baby and please....please take care of you.Give yourself lots of love. And keep posting when you can!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
Meggie welcome back, youare none of those negative things you call yourself you are hurt & not well & coping with more than lots of people are able to handle, I hope you talk it through with your doctor I wish you love & peace & happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome Back, Meggie!
Adding my prayers for peace and joy for you and strength to talk to the dr. and get the help you need. I agree, focus on YOU first now...ask others to help when needed, and the addict issues can wait until you are stronger. YOU are worth it, don't give up. Congratulations on your new baby!
Adding my prayers for peace and joy for you and strength to talk to the dr. and get the help you need. I agree, focus on YOU first now...ask others to help when needed, and the addict issues can wait until you are stronger. YOU are worth it, don't give up. Congratulations on your new baby!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Welcome back sweetie,
It seems like I always run to my friends for support and understanding when I need it...our H.P. always leads us in the right direction.
Glad you're here.
Hugs and hugs, to you and the boys....
It seems like I always run to my friends for support and understanding when I need it...our H.P. always leads us in the right direction.
Glad you're here.
Hugs and hugs, to you and the boys....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 18
Thank you everyone. Sorry it's been a while since I logged back in.
I did see my doctor about ppd and he prescribed zoloft. Of course, I'm waffling on whether or not to take it because I am nursing my son. Part of what is so hard about depression for me is I have a really hard time making even the simplest decisions...like which water bottle to take out of the fridge to whether or not to take the zoloft or if I should "mention" my concerns to my AH...etc. I shoulder a lot of guilt over each decision and second guess myself constantly.
Things are still on a bad path with my AH. I feel myself getting ready to really want a change...my fear is holding me back. I no longer have to rely on him for finances, I have a job that pays enough for me to eek out a life with my two kids. But I find my fear still has me in its grip. I am terrified of change, yet terrified of staying the same here.
My AH is in a bad way. He, like so many addicts, is so hurtful when he is trying to protect his sickness. I, like so many codependants, can't NOT take it personally. We are at an impasse again. He wants to be able to have "a few beers" and I refuse to have substances in my life. We've been married for 6.5 years, and this has been my stance since day one. I feel like, now, it comes down to having to finally compromise on that...and I do not want to.
I have compromised my character, my morals, and lots of other things (I'm sure he feels he has sacrificed too) and I feel like if I give up on the ONE thing I've held on to for 6 years (no substances)...then whyyyy would I have even gone through the last 6 years of hell????
So every day I wake up in fear, certain that if he's not using today it will be tomorrow or the next day. I check the stupid phone records so I "know" for sure. I don't go to meetings. I strike out in anger and fear and I hate my AH. Yet, I am absolutely horrified at the prospect of losing him, or seeing him with someone else, or the idea of having a stepmother for my kids at some point.
I really need the strength to let go of the money...if I asked him to leave he'll demand money....and well, I need to ask him to leave. It seems unfair that I would have to give him any money (I control all the money in the familY)when I have a mortgage and 2 kids to take care of...but as he says, it is just another way for me to control.
I need to find the strength to let him go. And I mean, like, forever, and to file for divorce again. When I filed for divorce last year, it was because HE moved out and left us and I had no choice in the matter.
I hate being so tied down by fear and self-loathing. If a friend was in a similar position, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her to leave even if it was a hardship. I treat myself worse than I would a stranger. I hate being so sick.
I know the minute is coming when I will be forced to make a decision, because we have been living in a very temporary state and it can't last forever. I just wish I was more resolute in being of sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Thanks for all the nice welcome backs and hellos. I still feel like a loser for crawling back here sniveling but I really appreciate that people haven't judged me for it.
I did see my doctor about ppd and he prescribed zoloft. Of course, I'm waffling on whether or not to take it because I am nursing my son. Part of what is so hard about depression for me is I have a really hard time making even the simplest decisions...like which water bottle to take out of the fridge to whether or not to take the zoloft or if I should "mention" my concerns to my AH...etc. I shoulder a lot of guilt over each decision and second guess myself constantly.
Things are still on a bad path with my AH. I feel myself getting ready to really want a change...my fear is holding me back. I no longer have to rely on him for finances, I have a job that pays enough for me to eek out a life with my two kids. But I find my fear still has me in its grip. I am terrified of change, yet terrified of staying the same here.
My AH is in a bad way. He, like so many addicts, is so hurtful when he is trying to protect his sickness. I, like so many codependants, can't NOT take it personally. We are at an impasse again. He wants to be able to have "a few beers" and I refuse to have substances in my life. We've been married for 6.5 years, and this has been my stance since day one. I feel like, now, it comes down to having to finally compromise on that...and I do not want to.
I have compromised my character, my morals, and lots of other things (I'm sure he feels he has sacrificed too) and I feel like if I give up on the ONE thing I've held on to for 6 years (no substances)...then whyyyy would I have even gone through the last 6 years of hell????
So every day I wake up in fear, certain that if he's not using today it will be tomorrow or the next day. I check the stupid phone records so I "know" for sure. I don't go to meetings. I strike out in anger and fear and I hate my AH. Yet, I am absolutely horrified at the prospect of losing him, or seeing him with someone else, or the idea of having a stepmother for my kids at some point.
I really need the strength to let go of the money...if I asked him to leave he'll demand money....and well, I need to ask him to leave. It seems unfair that I would have to give him any money (I control all the money in the familY)when I have a mortgage and 2 kids to take care of...but as he says, it is just another way for me to control.
I need to find the strength to let him go. And I mean, like, forever, and to file for divorce again. When I filed for divorce last year, it was because HE moved out and left us and I had no choice in the matter.
I hate being so tied down by fear and self-loathing. If a friend was in a similar position, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her to leave even if it was a hardship. I treat myself worse than I would a stranger. I hate being so sick.
I know the minute is coming when I will be forced to make a decision, because we have been living in a very temporary state and it can't last forever. I just wish I was more resolute in being of sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Thanks for all the nice welcome backs and hellos. I still feel like a loser for crawling back here sniveling but I really appreciate that people haven't judged me for it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg, you might want to check with a lawyer regarding your rights should you decide to separate or divorce down the road. It may never happen but knowing your rights will help you let go of the fear of what may not happen.
Sending big hugs because I know life is difficult for you right now. And extra hugs for your kids.
Sending big hugs because I know life is difficult for you right now. And extra hugs for your kids.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Meggie,
By all means, see a lawyer.
Before I got really serious about divorcing my exah, I got into alot of 'discussions' with him about how things would work as far as sorting out bills and obligations...who gets what...
And my exah's demands were insane...and I was scared to death. I'm a lawyer for cripes sake and I couldn't think rationally. I future tripped about how things might work out...got my stomach all in knots just thinking about how he didn't deserve a nickle in light of everything that happened...
Crazy ideas and emotions swirled around in my head...
And then I hired an attorney and let him deal with it. You're much too emotional...and the stakes are much too high...to try and reason out a sensible compromise...at least thats how it was for me.
Once I let it go...and let someone else worry about the details, the fear subsided and I could just focus on my future...one tiny step at a time.
I'm sure its overwhelming...
Remember...one baby step after another...thats all you gotta focus on.
Sending mega hugs and strength...
By all means, see a lawyer.
Before I got really serious about divorcing my exah, I got into alot of 'discussions' with him about how things would work as far as sorting out bills and obligations...who gets what...
And my exah's demands were insane...and I was scared to death. I'm a lawyer for cripes sake and I couldn't think rationally. I future tripped about how things might work out...got my stomach all in knots just thinking about how he didn't deserve a nickle in light of everything that happened...
Crazy ideas and emotions swirled around in my head...
And then I hired an attorney and let him deal with it. You're much too emotional...and the stakes are much too high...to try and reason out a sensible compromise...at least thats how it was for me.
Once I let it go...and let someone else worry about the details, the fear subsided and I could just focus on my future...one tiny step at a time.
I'm sure its overwhelming...
Remember...one baby step after another...thats all you gotta focus on.
Sending mega hugs and strength...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 18
I consulted my lawyer in August. We had a divorce decree last year, complete with financial stuff and child support. AH was required to pay quite a bit towards bills and child support, because I was only working part time then.
Of course now I am making a bit more money, but he probably makes 25% more than I do. I would hope we could come to an agreement of what we would each pay for, but what is the hardest for me NOW would be giving him cash when he demands it, which happens if I ask him to leave. He has no access to any money, the account is in my name, but well...it's a long story. I have a hard time I think, because it seems like he will want $400 to leave for one night and then then I figure, he'll be back in a few days and then we are still out $400 and nothing will have changed anyway. And of course, I don't really WANT him to leave....but that is still me being controlling.
I'm pretty worn down today, and tired of the battle as it were. AH has pretty much been acting like he is not ready to stop, and has been attempting to score or actually doing it yesterday and today, so I am dreading tomorrow when it all starts all over again.
My hope now, I suppose, is that HP or something (me) gives me the strength to be fed up enough very soon and that that will allow me to take better care of myself in regards to my marriage. I know this is no way to live and I hope every bad day brings me closer to a good one.
Thanks for letting me share!
Of course now I am making a bit more money, but he probably makes 25% more than I do. I would hope we could come to an agreement of what we would each pay for, but what is the hardest for me NOW would be giving him cash when he demands it, which happens if I ask him to leave. He has no access to any money, the account is in my name, but well...it's a long story. I have a hard time I think, because it seems like he will want $400 to leave for one night and then then I figure, he'll be back in a few days and then we are still out $400 and nothing will have changed anyway. And of course, I don't really WANT him to leave....but that is still me being controlling.
I'm pretty worn down today, and tired of the battle as it were. AH has pretty much been acting like he is not ready to stop, and has been attempting to score or actually doing it yesterday and today, so I am dreading tomorrow when it all starts all over again.
My hope now, I suppose, is that HP or something (me) gives me the strength to be fed up enough very soon and that that will allow me to take better care of myself in regards to my marriage. I know this is no way to live and I hope every bad day brings me closer to a good one.
Thanks for letting me share!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Sometimes there is just no good day to make the decision to leave. Just like when I quit smoking, there wasn't actually a day where I "WANTED" to quit. I just knew it was time, I was getting older, and I shouldn't be smoking anymore. So I just did it one day. It was REALLY hard, sticking with it, but I gave it a shot, a REAL shot, because I just knew if I gave in, I'd have to try again another day. I didn't enjoy it, I wanted to go back, but I stuck it out. It got easier as time went on, but I would never have known that if I hadn't just "went for it" that one day I decided no more.
Kind of like giving up an "addiction" to your addict. You know there is never going to be a good day, but why wait until it's rock bottom for you? Kind of like me not waiting until I had cancer... I really enjoy life now, without my addiction. I'll bet you would too if you just decided to give up yours, knowing that it is the right decision for you, for your own mental, physical, and spiritual health. There's nothing wrong with doing WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
Today's as good a day as any.
Kind of like giving up an "addiction" to your addict. You know there is never going to be a good day, but why wait until it's rock bottom for you? Kind of like me not waiting until I had cancer... I really enjoy life now, without my addiction. I'll bet you would too if you just decided to give up yours, knowing that it is the right decision for you, for your own mental, physical, and spiritual health. There's nothing wrong with doing WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
Today's as good a day as any.
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