Update on ah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: northville ny
Posts: 20
Update on ah
Hi everyone I am in need of some more of your advice and strength .I posted a couple of weeks ago about my husband confessing to me that he took a check from a homeowner that he was doing some work for and everybody advised to me to do what my gutt and head and morals told me to do hich was call homeowner and police . The homeowner did find out husband did take two checks and cashed them ,he gave him the opportunity to give him back the money but did not want him on his property to finish his job . I don't blame him a bit I wouldnt want him on mine either so to make long story longer he of course couldnt pay him back and the homeowner pressed charges which is what I told him to do so of course my grandmother passed away this week and her funeral was this morning AH didnt want to go because he was ashamed of what he has done so as I am getting ready to leave this morning there was a knock on door yep troopers here to arrest him so they felt lousy about me on my way to grams funeral and they have to arrest my husband. So it is bad enough having to go to my grandmothers funeral and try to console my mom and aunts and uncle but I have to not think about my Ah going to court. So anyway got through funeral and family get together get home and he is on phone they set bail for him which I don't understand my daughter who already has two felonies got ror until her sentencing he has no record which I have been telling him for last 6 years to stop while he was ahead well as we all know they don't listen to us only the drug . So anyway he knew I got my paycheck this morning so he was expecting me to bail him out , well the codie in me tried to do that well I am telling myself that higher power stepped in or fate because his bail was set at 500.00 I get paid by debit card and I had already taken a two hundred dollar withdrawal to pay bills with and didnt know but my card has a daily limit of 500.00 so I honestly couldnt get the money. I am ashamed of myself for actually trying. I keep going over in my head how much money he went through in 3 weeks time plus the money he got for stolen checks it makes me sick and yet I was going to go bail him out . He went for his evaluation on thursday to get into an inpatient rehab just waiting for bed so hat do I do if they call and say a bed is available do I get him out so he can go he has never been in any rehab program and they aactually wanted to admit him thursday but the bed that was available got filled right before his eval came back . I know I have a very heavy workload coming up starting tomorrow morning and not ending until my birthday net weekend which I had requested off so I could have some downtime with friends at a weekend fleamarket garage sale up in lake george Ny I havent done this since my ah became an addict 6 years actually 7 .sorry rambling again please guys more insights advice a few slaps upside my head for being so dumb etc etc etc
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Sorry Shelly for all of this going on at once. You are surely in my prayers tonight.
Moving on to bailing him out when a rehab bed opens..... NO NO NO!
In my opinion, I think he should stay in jail. He will detox just fine there.
You have other things to worry about, your family who is grieving and lost a family member. You need time as well.
Your Higher Power didn't intervene just to say hi.
Take this as an opportunity to let him face the consequences of his addiction and let it take it's course.
When the next check comes, you'll need to save it for even more rainier days.
((HUGS))
Moving on to bailing him out when a rehab bed opens..... NO NO NO!
In my opinion, I think he should stay in jail. He will detox just fine there.
You have other things to worry about, your family who is grieving and lost a family member. You need time as well.
Your Higher Power didn't intervene just to say hi.
Take this as an opportunity to let him face the consequences of his addiction and let it take it's course.
When the next check comes, you'll need to save it for even more rainier days.
((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
I also say leave him there... he's needs to have consequences for his actions. If you
bail him out, he'll be out using. No reason for him to change if he doesn't have to suffer
any. Give him that chance... leave him there.
bail him out, he'll be out using. No reason for him to change if he doesn't have to suffer
any. Give him that chance... leave him there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: northville ny
Posts: 20
Thanks everybody
My brain always tells me to do the right thing my heart always betrays me I have to keep reminding myself of all the times I needed him to be the man he once was and he was never here . he knew that my grandmother was under hospice care and it was only a matter of weeks and he went and did all of these things that he is now sitting in jail for during that time period. Does it seem like whenever you need them the most is when they let you down the worst? he had been clean for 3 months which for him is the best he has done in over a year. What I haven't figured out is why it seemed to hurt me more that he stole from these people than it did when he stole from me and he knew I had to pay for heat . Is that the codependency again feeling more pain and sorrow for others I get confused with codependency and compassion . I am a manager at a store and we had a new woman start who is going through real rough time and because I have been there and done that I have bought her lunch because I knew she hadn't gotten first check and had long shift and have left her cigarettes for her break because I leave before she does but then I wonder is it because of the caretaker mindset and is it wrong for me to try to help her out . I am not the only one that does either my other manager does to . Where does compassion end and caretaking codependency start. questions questions questions how do you shut them off so you can rest? Why do I feel guilty sitting here on puter with the tv on eating pizza with my son and getting ready to climb into my bed knowing that ah is lying on cold cot probablly in isolation because they have to pass tb test and stuff before they can go into main jail then on top of guilt I worry that he will just make more drug connections because they just had big drug bust a week ago and most of the dealers are sitting in same jail. ughh I really need calgon to take me away LOL I am praying that God ill please make my mind turn off for a while. sorry guys rambling again to many questions and to many answers I really ish life was more black and white instead of all grey
i
i
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Enabling is doing something for another that they should be doing themself. The things you were doing for a new co-worker are acts of kindness. If she spent all her money on drugs/gambling etc., and you did these things for her it would be enabling. Just an example. JMO.
Pray/talk to God about your H, and trust him to work out a solution
that is most helpful to your H, whatever that may be. Then try to trust God and let it go.
(((HUGS)))) Been there, done that... I know how hard this is!
Pray/talk to God about your H, and trust him to work out a solution
that is most helpful to your H, whatever that may be. Then try to trust God and let it go.
(((HUGS)))) Been there, done that... I know how hard this is!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by SHELLY1 
My brain always tells me to do the right thing my heart always betrays me I have to keep reminding myself of all the times I needed him to be the man he once was and he was never here . he knew that my grandmother was under hospice care and it was only a matter of weeks and he went and did all of these things that he is now sitting in jail for during that time period.
He's an addict. He cares only about himself.
Does it seem like whenever you need them the most is when they let you down the worst?
No, they let you down regardless of the external circumstances. Everything could be going just peachy, and they will let you down. People in active addiction are not reliable people. PERIOD.
he had been clean for 3 months which for him is the best he has done in over a year. What I haven't figured out is why it seemed to hurt me more that he stole from these people than it did when he stole from me and he knew I had to pay for heat .
It's hurting you because he continues to drag you along with his addiction and you allow it by bringing him back. You feel embarrassed by his actions because of the small town you live in. You feel sorry for the other people because it's something you would never do... steal from someone. You are a person with feelings. Remember, he numbs his feelings by using, thus, the inability to feel anything for anyone.
Is that the codependency again feeling more pain and sorrow for others I get confused with codependency and compassion .
No, you are human. You are suppose to feel. If you aren't feeling, I would be concerned. Codependecy isn't about you feeling sorrow for others who are innocent victims (like your neighbors). One component of Codependency is allowing others to victimize you over and over again without you setting up clear boundaries.
I am a manager at a store and we had a new woman start who is going through real rough time and because I have been there and done that I have bought her lunch because I knew she hadn't gotten first check and had long shift and have left her cigarettes for her break because I leave before she does but then I wonder is it because of the caretaker mindset and is it wrong for me to try to help her out . I am not the only one that does either my other manager does to . Where does compassion end and caretaking codependency start.
There is nothing wrong with helping others out who are in need but that too can go overboard if you aren't careful. Helping a co-worker by buying them lunch isn't considered a codependency moment unless you were expecting something in return for this gesture that will benefit you in some way.
questions questions questions how do you shut them off so you can rest?
Occupy yourself with things to do that will distract you from these thoughts.
Why do I feel guilty sitting here on puter with the tv on eating pizza with my son and getting ready to climb into my bed knowing that ah is lying on cold cot probablly in isolation because they have to pass tb test and stuff before they can go into main jail then on top of guilt I worry that he will just make more drug connections because they just had big drug bust a week ago and most of the dealers are sitting in same jail.
Shelly, trust me when I say this... he's not laying on a cold cot with rats crawling all over him. He is in a comfortable spot. Where he should be. You are feeling guilty because... ? Of HIS actions from HIS own addiction? HE WILL BE OKAY! And, if he meets new drug connections in jail, 1, can you control that? and 2, doesn't that confirm what you already need to know about him?
ughh I really need calgon to take me away LOL I am praying that God ill please make my mind turn off for a while. sorry guys rambling again to many questions and to many answers I really ish life was more black and white instead of all grey
i
He's an addict. He cares only about himself.
Does it seem like whenever you need them the most is when they let you down the worst?
No, they let you down regardless of the external circumstances. Everything could be going just peachy, and they will let you down. People in active addiction are not reliable people. PERIOD.
he had been clean for 3 months which for him is the best he has done in over a year. What I haven't figured out is why it seemed to hurt me more that he stole from these people than it did when he stole from me and he knew I had to pay for heat .
It's hurting you because he continues to drag you along with his addiction and you allow it by bringing him back. You feel embarrassed by his actions because of the small town you live in. You feel sorry for the other people because it's something you would never do... steal from someone. You are a person with feelings. Remember, he numbs his feelings by using, thus, the inability to feel anything for anyone.
Is that the codependency again feeling more pain and sorrow for others I get confused with codependency and compassion .
No, you are human. You are suppose to feel. If you aren't feeling, I would be concerned.
Codependecy isn't about you feeling sorrow for others who are innocent victims (like your neighbors). One component of Codependency is allowing others to victimize you over and over again without you setting up clear boundaries. I am a manager at a store and we had a new woman start who is going through real rough time and because I have been there and done that I have bought her lunch because I knew she hadn't gotten first check and had long shift and have left her cigarettes for her break because I leave before she does but then I wonder is it because of the caretaker mindset and is it wrong for me to try to help her out . I am not the only one that does either my other manager does to . Where does compassion end and caretaking codependency start.
There is nothing wrong with helping others out who are in need but that too can go overboard if you aren't careful. Helping a co-worker by buying them lunch isn't considered a codependency moment unless you were expecting something in return for this gesture that will benefit you in some way.
questions questions questions how do you shut them off so you can rest?
Occupy yourself with things to do that will distract you from these thoughts.
Why do I feel guilty sitting here on puter with the tv on eating pizza with my son and getting ready to climb into my bed knowing that ah is lying on cold cot probablly in isolation because they have to pass tb test and stuff before they can go into main jail then on top of guilt I worry that he will just make more drug connections because they just had big drug bust a week ago and most of the dealers are sitting in same jail.
Shelly, trust me when I say this... he's not laying on a cold cot with rats crawling all over him. He is in a comfortable spot. Where he should be. You are feeling guilty because... ? Of HIS actions from HIS own addiction? HE WILL BE OKAY! And, if he meets new drug connections in jail, 1, can you control that? and 2, doesn't that confirm what you already need to know about him?
ughh I really need calgon to take me away LOL I am praying that God ill please make my mind turn off for a while. sorry guys rambling again to many questions and to many answers I really ish life was more black and white instead of all grey
i
((HUGS)) I hope you can find a way to let your mind rest and enjoy this quiet time you have with AH in jail. Please take care of yourself. Your children need you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: northville ny
Posts: 20
Thanks again
Thanks for clarifying things for me I think with everything that I have gone through this week I just couldn't think straight and I really needed to cry I wouldn't let myself do that at funeral because I was terrified that I would lose complete control so I have kept everything bottled up ,then reading your guys replies let me let go and the lump in my throat that has been choking me since police took him has disappeared. Made me realize how much I needed release and not feel like I always have to be in control and afraid of my feelings and second guessing myself and that is alright to cry . maybe I will be able to sleep 330 am comes way to early .
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