tandem545

My mom deposits money into my sister's debit account. My mom paid my sister's hospital bills from when her boyfriend beat her up. My sister was kicked out of the house a couple of weeks ago. She's 25, doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school. And now even though she is staying with her abusive/addicted boyfriend my mother is still paying her way because she can't "let go".

It's so frustrating. I've seen this kind of enabling behavior from her for a couple years now with my sister. My mom wants to buy her time so she can come to her senses. She hasn't come to her senses and it's been years. She'll hide the things she does for her from my father too. I think enough is enough and my sister should finally take responsibility for her actions.

My question is, my sister gets all her mail (bills) sent to my parents. She is now with her boyfriend but not officially living there (or at my parents' house). She doesn't answer her phone whenever anyone calls or text messages. If my mother stopped paying her bills, how would the creditors find her? Should we give them the address of the person she is staying with?

truthhurts

I don't think it will matter whether or not creditors find her....if she stops paying/having her bills paid, her credit will tank. That means that when she goes to apply for a loan, credit card, rent application, job application, etc., her poor credit history will speak for her.

outtolunch

Your mom is using her money to make herself feel like a devoted mother. That's her choice.

Last time you were contemplating an anynomous tip to the Police and now here you are contemplating giving her current address to your sister's creditors.... It's not clear what you expect to achieve with either action.
There is nothing illegal about being an addict or not paying your bills.

Would you consider taking your mother with you to 7 consecutive Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Meetings to learn some new strategies of coping with addiction, in the family. Could it hurt?

Seren

Well, in one way I disagree with OTL. We have given the creditors the forwarding information for my fiance's AS because they were beginning to hound us. I would not stand for having to live through that sort of harrassment because of the future A step son's actions.

But I do agree, there is really nothing you can do to control the actions of your mother and you will bring more pain and grief to yourself if you try. I'm sorry that this is all so maddening and painful for you and hope that you find some peace with it all soon.

Hugs and prayers,
HG

suki44883

Your mom is going to do whatever she wants to do. Why are you stressing yourself out over this? This is between you mom and your sister. You are only involved if you insert yourself into the issue. Sounds like you are taking on problems that aren't yours. That will do nothing but cause you misery.

tandem545

I am stressing myself out over this because both my mother and I want my sister to get better, but disagree with how to do it. I believe that she needs to be fully on her own and face the consequences of her decision to live with her boyfriend. My mother believes that she can convince my sister to change by telling her she loves her, paying her bills and sending her money. IMO, that is just prolonging the consequences of her actions.

suki44883

Okay, but you can't change either of them. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to. You are entitled to your opinion, but are either of them listening to you? Is anything changing? At some point, you will have to just back away and let the two of them decide what they are going to do. You have your own life to live and your own goals to reach. It's called detachment. You can't control them, you can only control yourself. I am not saying any of this to be mean, I'm saying it hoping that you will understand that this is not your battle to fight.

teke

your mother sounds a lot like my mil,my ah is now living with her and she foots all the bills, she don't understand that she is helping him to continue in his addiction. i had to step out of the way and allow her to reach her own bottom with this.

you may have to allow your mother to reach her own bottom allowing her time to decides for herself when enough is enough. i agree, you can't change either of them.

as for the mail, you can always stop it from being delivered to your house and it would be up to your mom to do the same if she chooses to.

i agree, focus on you. your mom will stop when she is ready. seems like your sis is not concerned about her mail so how long are you gonna worry about it. your mom is doing what she feel is best for her right now.

Ago

My mother has been actively murdering my sister with enabling behavior for twenty years. My sister has returned the favor by "squatting" on her property and being enough of a burden my mother "had" to work 80-100 hours a week to support her and her daughter (my niece)

Every time I get involved not only do I get "burned" I get mentally ill, I catch codependency like gum on the bottom of my shoe, the more involved I get, the sicker I get.

Are you sure you want to get involved in this dynamic?
Are you the one to make sure she gets those consequences?

Good luck with that, been there done that got the Tshirt, for me all getting involved with a group of sick people gets me is sick.

Three C's

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

This is just me but trying to ensure an addict/alcoholic "takes responsibility" for their actions when the truth of the matter is those actions are none of my business is the fast track to hell and insanity, it's one thing to set boundaries to protect oneself, it's quite another to become the "Addict Police" in your family dynamic, and try to get between an addict and an enabler, especially when it's a mother and daughter, trust me on this, I have twenty years of playing this role, god what a nightmare that was, the truly awesome and funny thing is I was like how can it affect ME you know? all these sick people, well, hmmm, it cost me my relationship, my company, my house, 4 years of my life, and on and on and on.

I keep from sticking my head in inexorable things like Tigers jaws, Great White Sharks Mouth, Codie mothers grips, and I don't tug on Supermans Cape, and I don't get in between mother/daughter enabler/addict relationships any more, but like I said, that's just me.

You talk quite a bit about getting your mother and your sister better, you thought about you working on you for awhile?

Good luck

rose

Tandem,
I understand you feeling so frustrated with it all. My mom was always there handing out to my nephew, her grandson. This is your mom of course you are worried, I don't feel that you are taking on anything but your moms best interests. Addiction is so overwhelming for parents and grandparent to take on. Also addicts find them as great pray. I understood my moms reasoning, not that I agreed with it and no matter how manytimes myself and my sisters and brother talked to her about it, she seemed to get it but when he would come begging for a place to sleep or $20.00 she would alway cave. He was smart enough to...never to show up when we were at mom's place, but would watch when the coast was clear and hit her up. He stole from her, took checks oh the list could go on, she would be so upset. It concerned us, because it was effecting her health and I don't care what anybody says, I was getting involved, I wasn't taking on a problem that I had no business in. Even my sister my nephews mom, he could not get away with anything from her, then some would say she is passing her problems onto her mom. Was so untrue, she like me and my other siblings if not more tried and tried to tell her to stop, stop letting him and giving him money. What more could she do, she even had here husband wait on the corner for when he showed up.

I don't know how manytimes we had it out with him to stay away from grandma's place, he never even tried it when my dad was alive, but as soon dad passed away he was like a snake.

I am sorry Suki, I really disagree that she is taking on a problem that she has no business in, what if your mom hired a painter, builder ect and they were charging them 5 times the amount that is should be and you mom was going with it...would you not step in or would you say not your problem?

Unfortunatly Tandem, your mom is probably not going to change her ways and it is more than likely causing her more stress trying to hide it from you. I myself would be at my sister and then again they just get more sneeky.

I agree with you letting her creditors know her address and phone number, no questions in my mind why you did that...looking after mom. I know how bad those creditors can be, non stop calling and some not so nice people, they had me some upset when they were calling for my husband, jerks to me as well and they don't give up.

You are a great daughter, just looking out for mom!

Rose

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Ago;2378915]

I catch codependency like gum on the bottom of my shoe, the more involved I get, the sicker I get. /QUOTE]


This is a keeper.

Symptoms include doing the you/he/she:

Should.........

URMYEVERYTHING

The creditors will find her eventually. I would just simply put on the envelope no longer resides here and send it back to them. I wouldn't get involved in the drama of calling the creditors, etc. Her credit will suffer if they find her or not due to her not paying them.

Question though.... how do you feel about your mother still supporting your sister? Have you put up boundaries with your mother and your sister that you don't want to be involved in this chaos? Have you suggested to your mother to read up on addiction and how the family is affected by this disease?

The more you and your mother are informed about addiction the better. This way sis cannot manipulate either one of you.

gotahavfaith

Tandem

I am a codie mom. I have done everything your mother has done and probably more. I have done the same things addicts do for the most part. I have lied, covered up, tried to love her clean, tried to buy her way out of the messes she gets into, enabled her addiction to continue, you name it I have done it.

Your mother will only quit doing these things when she is ready to. Not when you want her to, not when her husband wants her to, only when she is ready. Just tell your mother that you love her, invite her to go to meetings with you, and please try and let it go. For your mother, enough will be enough when she decides it is enough. Take it from somebody who knows.

I have been spiritually, emotionally, financially drained. I have caused myself alot of problems both mentally and physically. My marriage has suffered. My career has suffered. But the time came that I did have to let her go. And I am still dealing with all the fallout. BUT I FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE IN A LONG, LONG TIME. Your sister is sick and your mother is sick. And until they decide for themselves to get well.......the only thing you are doing is making yourself sick. You are trying to be a good daughter, just like your mom is trying to be a good mother. Sometimes we just go about it the wrong way.

Good Luck Tandem

Gotahavfaith

ventuhome

Tandem, start asking your mom for money. If she asks "What for?" tell her you are trying to get as much of your half of any inheritance now before it all gets p*ssed away going to feed sis' drug habit. (If this actually works, stick the $$ in a savings acct or IRA for your future.)