My AH wants to run away....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
My AH wants to run away....
So I'm in my own apt. now with the kids trying hard to live each day.
My AH when from 0 to 100 in just a few weeks. He's been arrested 3 times in the last month. (robbery).
He is a mess, he's lost his new puppy, his new truck (when he got arrested, and he has no money to get them back and no one will lend him money anymore), he lost his jobs (therefore zero potencial for child support), he's been very sick etc....
He called from a payphone last night to speak to the kids (I can't even call him, he has no phone anymore!)
He told me he is so bad now, he has no control at all anymore. He's terrified.
He's still on a waiting list for rehab. (before this got bad he begged his wealthy mother to pay for a private rehab so he could go before he did too much damage to himself and his family...she said no...BUT MEANWHILE GIVES HIM MONEY EVERY NOW AND THEN-SHE KNOWS HE USES IT FOR HEROIN!)
He said he is barely hanging on to life. He realy only does it for the kids, because he knows that would devaste the boys. He now thinks all he can do is run away somewhere so he can be away from everyone (bad people) and hole out till he can get into rehab.
What about the kids? will he ever come back?
How can he just leave his kids and ex destitute? So he can go off in the woods to find himself?!!!! give me a break!
I WOULD LOVE TO GO OFF BY MYSELF TOO SOMETIMES....But HELLo! real life!
Is this a good thing? Maybe it's just bullsh*T to leave his responsabilities.
Should I encourage this? Maybe is he just disappeared from our lives we would be better off.
I'm freaking out, I dont have any rent for the 1st of October. And it seems like he could give a crap. (He 'says' he'll give me the rent...YA RIGHT!)
*(sidenote he's been buying street methadone!)
My AH when from 0 to 100 in just a few weeks. He's been arrested 3 times in the last month. (robbery).
He is a mess, he's lost his new puppy, his new truck (when he got arrested, and he has no money to get them back and no one will lend him money anymore), he lost his jobs (therefore zero potencial for child support), he's been very sick etc....
He called from a payphone last night to speak to the kids (I can't even call him, he has no phone anymore!)
He told me he is so bad now, he has no control at all anymore. He's terrified.
He's still on a waiting list for rehab. (before this got bad he begged his wealthy mother to pay for a private rehab so he could go before he did too much damage to himself and his family...she said no...BUT MEANWHILE GIVES HIM MONEY EVERY NOW AND THEN-SHE KNOWS HE USES IT FOR HEROIN!)
He said he is barely hanging on to life. He realy only does it for the kids, because he knows that would devaste the boys. He now thinks all he can do is run away somewhere so he can be away from everyone (bad people) and hole out till he can get into rehab.
What about the kids? will he ever come back?
How can he just leave his kids and ex destitute? So he can go off in the woods to find himself?!!!! give me a break!
I WOULD LOVE TO GO OFF BY MYSELF TOO SOMETIMES....But HELLo! real life!
Is this a good thing? Maybe it's just bullsh*T to leave his responsabilities.
Should I encourage this? Maybe is he just disappeared from our lives we would be better off.
I'm freaking out, I dont have any rent for the 1st of October. And it seems like he could give a crap. (He 'says' he'll give me the rent...YA RIGHT!)
*(sidenote he's been buying street methadone!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Hi Crazytrain!
Breathe... you have an opportunity here amungst all of this chaos (your AH) is leaving. Don't reel him back him. Let him go if that is what he chooses. He could be distancing himself because he wants to continue to use and he knows that his life is out of control and he doesn't want to come around because of the extreme embarassment and guilt associated with his addiction.
Unfortunately, an addict will leave you feeling alone. He will desert/abandon the kids and put drugs first. That is how addiction works. It sucks, I know. Even when and if he wants sobriety, you are still alone while he sits in a rehab for however long it takes for him to get clean and you will still feel alone well after his recovery. There is no excuse as to why he isn't in a rehab. He could go to an ER as a last resort and request detox and then be transferred to a rehab after his detox (if that's available in your state). Some states have gov't funding to help. Salvation Army (free rehab) always has their doors open. He is quacking and using his waiting list into rehab as an excuse to keep using. The next phone call will be that he has no other options and feels he might loose it on the streets and wants to know if he can come stay with you a few days until he gets into a rehab. I have learned those phone calls were sets ups for the next phone call that usually involves him making some statement that he needs help but not directly asking for it. Don't fall for it. Remember, whatever happens to him in his addiction you cannot control, cure or cause. This is his battle. We all know where the rent money is going so no need to rely on him for it.
Moving on to how will you deal with this?? It's how we deal and cope with that loneliness is what gets us. You can succumb to it and let it guide you into this deep dark depression or you can embrace it and look at it as another chance for you and your kids to experience peace, a new life without HIS chaos.
I wish you the best during this difficult time. Keep us posted.
(((HUGS)))
Breathe... you have an opportunity here amungst all of this chaos (your AH) is leaving. Don't reel him back him. Let him go if that is what he chooses. He could be distancing himself because he wants to continue to use and he knows that his life is out of control and he doesn't want to come around because of the extreme embarassment and guilt associated with his addiction.
Unfortunately, an addict will leave you feeling alone. He will desert/abandon the kids and put drugs first. That is how addiction works. It sucks, I know. Even when and if he wants sobriety, you are still alone while he sits in a rehab for however long it takes for him to get clean and you will still feel alone well after his recovery. There is no excuse as to why he isn't in a rehab. He could go to an ER as a last resort and request detox and then be transferred to a rehab after his detox (if that's available in your state). Some states have gov't funding to help. Salvation Army (free rehab) always has their doors open. He is quacking and using his waiting list into rehab as an excuse to keep using. The next phone call will be that he has no other options and feels he might loose it on the streets and wants to know if he can come stay with you a few days until he gets into a rehab. I have learned those phone calls were sets ups for the next phone call that usually involves him making some statement that he needs help but not directly asking for it. Don't fall for it. Remember, whatever happens to him in his addiction you cannot control, cure or cause. This is his battle. We all know where the rent money is going so no need to rely on him for it.
Moving on to how will you deal with this?? It's how we deal and cope with that loneliness is what gets us. You can succumb to it and let it guide you into this deep dark depression or you can embrace it and look at it as another chance for you and your kids to experience peace, a new life without HIS chaos.
I wish you the best during this difficult time. Keep us posted.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
I'm doing those things.....I've spent all morning getting an up to date CV ready. I''ve put the youngest on daycare wait lists (NOTHING in my area is free right now NOTHING)....and I have to PAY to be on the wait list!!! ahhhhh!
I'm doing what needs to get done...It's just not overnight. I want to at least TRY to get a job before I go on assistance. I've got 2 University Deg. So I want to at least try. I KNOW i need to be self supporting, I want that.
It's just that I just moved out ( a few weeks) and there is so much to pay right off. I wanted to buy some time.
Guess not.
I will see him at our son school parents and teachers assembly. I hope (if he makes it, he does not look like crap and or be high)!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm doing what needs to get done...It's just not overnight. I want to at least TRY to get a job before I go on assistance. I've got 2 University Deg. So I want to at least try. I KNOW i need to be self supporting, I want that.
It's just that I just moved out ( a few weeks) and there is so much to pay right off. I wanted to buy some time.
Guess not.
I will see him at our son school parents and teachers assembly. I hope (if he makes it, he does not look like crap and or be high)!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Crazytrain...I don't post much about others but, I want to tell you that you have to stop and breathe. Just know that you are in a better place now. Do YOU really want him to show up for the awards??? Would that be good for your kids? Or would it please you to see him and know he's safe........You are going at full speed right now. Stop for a moment and realize that you are spending to much time worrying about what he is doing and why he isn't helping. I have done this for the last 1.5 years it is just not worth it. I actually use to say why r the people on SR telling me I'm wasting my time because nothing changes if nothing changed. But, now I know that I could have been spending my time being more productive for me and my children. Please start to focus more on how to resolve your issues and not his. Unfortunately he has to resolve his own issues.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi CrazyTrain, 
My brother did it. He moved to Florida and lived in my cousin's house. The whole family here was so relieved when he left!!! We just couldn't take anymore; we had spent YEARS trying to help him ... Good Lord I hate to even remember those days! ... How much time, energy and money I spent trying to help that boy...
He was there about two years I think and was worse than EVER. He was shooting up anything and everything, getting arrested, getting beat up by the low-lifes he was hanging with, in the hospital, etc. I think it did help that he got away from everyone here though because even though he found the same type of people down there, there really were less people in his life who were emotionally invested in supporting him. But then he met some Jehovahs Witnesses at his door one day when he was all coked out, and somehow they helped him for months to get clean. Am I allowed to mention a church on this site?
Anyway, I don't know how they did it (but I really don't care HOW; I'm just glad they did). Anyway, I think it worked for him because they didn't have the emotional attachments and personal motivations that our family had
in trying to help him. I don't know if that makes any sense. Anyway, he found his Higher Power who apparently spells all the rules out for him so he's much better with boundaries and no longer turns to other people to help him. What a relief! Because he was the youngest child and I think he was ALWAYS like that (looking for other people to help him or do things for him). And you know, now that I am telling this story, I realize that for the FIRST time in my ENTIRE life of him being "my little brother," HE has actually helped ME work my Program (Steps 2 and 3).
Anyway, he hasn't seen his children in YEARS. The crackhead ex-wife had plenty of money from the sale of the house in the divorce so that is different from your situation but:
YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you can! Because I did it; I worked my way up and out of it and am now able to support myself. And if I can do it, so can you!
My brother did it. He moved to Florida and lived in my cousin's house. The whole family here was so relieved when he left!!! We just couldn't take anymore; we had spent YEARS trying to help him ... Good Lord I hate to even remember those days! ... How much time, energy and money I spent trying to help that boy...He was there about two years I think and was worse than EVER. He was shooting up anything and everything, getting arrested, getting beat up by the low-lifes he was hanging with, in the hospital, etc. I think it did help that he got away from everyone here though because even though he found the same type of people down there, there really were less people in his life who were emotionally invested in supporting him. But then he met some Jehovahs Witnesses at his door one day when he was all coked out, and somehow they helped him for months to get clean. Am I allowed to mention a church on this site?
Anyway, I don't know how they did it (but I really don't care HOW; I'm just glad they did). Anyway, I think it worked for him because they didn't have the emotional attachments and personal motivations that our family had
in trying to help him. I don't know if that makes any sense. Anyway, he found his Higher Power who apparently spells all the rules out for him so he's much better with boundaries and no longer turns to other people to help him. What a relief! Because he was the youngest child and I think he was ALWAYS like that (looking for other people to help him or do things for him). And you know, now that I am telling this story, I realize that for the FIRST time in my ENTIRE life of him being "my little brother," HE has actually helped ME work my Program (Steps 2 and 3).Anyway, he hasn't seen his children in YEARS. The crackhead ex-wife had plenty of money from the sale of the house in the divorce so that is different from your situation but:
YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you can! Because I did it; I worked my way up and out of it and am now able to support myself. And if I can do it, so can you!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
its good that you are looking for work but maybe still if you needed help until you do, you might concider checking social services. in my area there are churches and other organizations that may be able to give some assistance with rent/utilities, maybe you could check that out too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The only thing that saved me from worry and finding my world upside down was to stop living in the problem (his addiction) and begin living in the solution (my recovery and my life). I did this by attending meetings and learning a better way to keep myself safe and happy.
I had already learned that no matter what I did or did not do, it didn't make a whit of difference in his choices and his addiction. My choices were to live with it or live without it and choosing to live without it has made all the difference.
You are stronger than you know and you can survive on your own...because you see, today you are no longer a victim but a survivor and you can use your time, money and energy on putting your life back together again.
Hugs
I had already learned that no matter what I did or did not do, it didn't make a whit of difference in his choices and his addiction. My choices were to live with it or live without it and choosing to live without it has made all the difference.
You are stronger than you know and you can survive on your own...because you see, today you are no longer a victim but a survivor and you can use your time, money and energy on putting your life back together again.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by crazytrain 
I'm doing those things.....I've spent all morning getting an up to date CV ready. I''ve put the youngest on daycare wait lists (NOTHING in my area is free right now NOTHING)....and I have to PAY to be on the wait list!!! ahhhhh!
I'm doing what needs to get done...It's just not overnight. I want to at least TRY to get a job before I go on assistance. I've got 2 University Deg. So I want to at least try. I KNOW i need to be self supporting, I want that.
It's just that I just moved out ( a few weeks) and there is so much to pay right off. I wanted to buy some time.
Guess not.
I will see him at our son school parents and teachers assembly. I hope (if he makes it, he does not look like crap and or be high)!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm doing what needs to get done...It's just not overnight. I want to at least TRY to get a job before I go on assistance. I've got 2 University Deg. So I want to at least try. I KNOW i need to be self supporting, I want that.
It's just that I just moved out ( a few weeks) and there is so much to pay right off. I wanted to buy some time.
Guess not.
I will see him at our son school parents and teachers assembly. I hope (if he makes it, he does not look like crap and or be high)!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Food
Rent
Utilities
Transportation
Everything else can wait.
Have you checked with local churches that might be able to help with daycare while you look for a job?
Food banks?
Call your utility company to see if they have an assistance program?
Call your local women's center (if there is one) and see how they might be able to help.
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