IPT

Seems like there has been a lot of loss on SR lately. Either from people passing on or us finally stepping away from the dysfunction and trying to keep NC. Oh the changes that occur. The overwhelming feelings of loss, sadness and pain. It is overwhelming sometimes and as one can see by the many regular posts here those feelings are tough to cope with and move past. They do not just go away like we would like them to. At least not as quickly as we would like them too.

I spoke to a gal today who I had dated right before I meet my ex over 4 years ago. She apparently got married about a year ago. The last time I saw my ex was at her friend’s wedding…she had meet her now husband months after my ex and I meet.

You know, in the last 2 weeks I have grown quite a bit and I keep seeing fleeting glimpses of myself I haven’t seen in a while. That glass is half full person I always used to be. The life is good person. Then this information (that other in my life have seemingly moved ahead to where I thought I would be) snaps me back to that ugly place…I get mad. Mad at myself and her for it not working out. Her that she lied about her intentions..or maybe just that she was unable to actually get to them. Me, that I stuck around for so long and didn’t accept reality and move on, but instead choose to believe her words despite her actions.

Then I get in my car this AM contemplating this and what song is on? The Fergie song “big girls don’t cry” (I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It’s personal, myself and I got some straightening out to do”), it yanks my heart.

So profound, and on many levels true, but it doesn’t seem to make it any easier though. For better or worse we allow these people into our lives. Keep them there, build hopes, feelings for them, and dreams that involve them. They often tell us that is what they want too. Maybe it is true, maybe it is not, either way that life WE were working to never comes to fruition. At least not at the moment we hoped it would. I guess it is just sad (all the loss) and I felt like acknowledging everyone else’s loss as I cope with mine and “think” out loud. I also discovered something with the insight of a coworker.

A coworker of mine pointed out how our business has changed lately. How coincidently since the parting of me and my ex (which I had concerns about that it would hurt my business because of associations made) the business has grown even more. It’s grown all on its own and the previous powerhouse that I was afraid of losing has turned into the minority of the business. She pointed out that as attentions shifted the universe provided. How when we hold onto things it stops changes from occurring. I smiled, and realized how this last relationship with her had pulled me so far away from who and what I used to be! It’s nice to be feeling more times like myself. I still struggle, feel sad right now, but it is getting better all the time.

Not really sure what the point of this post was...but here’s hoping to you all a speedy journey back to whom you used to be or who you want to be.

BBD

IPT~~I'm so glad that your beginning to feel like your old self again. I don't know if that will ever happen here. Its my son thats the addict and I know I have no control over his life at this point~~but it sure does leave a burning feeling in my heart. Right now he's in rehab so maybe theres a chance of reality coming back to this family. I'm happy that you saw what you needed to do and went ahead and faced it....all kinds of luck, Bonnie

CDawg5591

Let go or be dragged. Acceptance is wonderful thing. My prayers are with you as you begin to accept yourself just as God made you. :praying

IPT

hi Bonnie - I hope that you can find your old self. I am only on the roadvto it, not there yet. I generally feel good but I am a caring person and because of that it hurts to know that she may still be hurting or making bad decsions. I guess it really just hurts not knowing anything about what she is doing.

I wish him luck in his rehab. It must be much harder when it's a child. As much as I hate it for me, at this point at least having her out of my life was the only way. Still, there are many here who have found there way to peace with a chils or spouse still struggling.

IPT

it may be wonderful, but it sure is not easy, or without pain and difficulty.


This made me think of our "Destiny", our lives as they are...do we make it for ourselves or is it created by God or our higher power? I don't know that I have the answer but it makes me think of that "joke".

A women is in her house as flood come in. The police arrive in a car and they knock on her door to evacuate her. She say “no thanks, God will take care of me”. They leave her and rescue others. The water rises, they come to her house again this time in a boat – she says that same thing. Finally she is on the roof of her house and they come in a helicopter. She declines rescue , “God will take care of me when he is ready”. She drowns and dies… in heaven she asks God why he didn’t help her. He replies, “Mam, I sent help in a car, in a boat, and in a helicopter. You didn’t take any of it”.

God, a HP, nature, whatever you want to call it may provide us opportunity or a foundation, but is when it comes down to it, it is entirely up to us to take the chances, do the work, or make the changes that make us who we are. Certainly we can find strength within in our HP to do that though!

teke

ipt, i know you say you are still struggling but your post speaks so much growth. i'm glad to her you are feeling more like yourself these days. keep going and going. youre in my prayers.

CDawg5591

IPT I hope I didn't offend you, that was not my intention. I do understand that acceptance can be difficult and painful because it was for me. Consider for a moment however the alternative. For me denial became a full time job and eventually became much harder then acceptance. I would rather see life as it is then go on struggling with trying to see it the way I want it to be. Acceptance has taken me out of struggling for control and has put me in harmony with life.
I have heard this story many times too. All she had to do was receive what was being offered. It wasn't God, Hp or natures fault she refused the help.

I'm really talking about myself and hoping it is somehow useful to you. Take care man.

IPT

CDawg – no offense taken at all my friend. I was merely acknowledging how painful real acceptance of reality can be. Acceptance has also taken me out of the struggle…but sadly it also forced the removal of someone from my life I cared about too.

I hope I didn’t offend you with the quote/story .

lost84

Morning ITP great post! I love all your posts! Id like to say I am in the same boat and I totally agree and can relate with everything you just wrote! It has been 2 months of NC for me and my ex and our second breakup.. I recently realized too how much he was holding me back and my life revolved around HIM. Things CANT change or get better when we hold on to them. It is the hardest thing to just get out their, work, mall, parks anything really but just getting out their and going on with normall daily activities makes all the difference in the world I as well still think I miss my ex and am sad at times but my emotions are nothing to what their were a while back, if I tear up now I can stop myself and it doesnt last very long.. The only thing I need to work on that your lucky you dont have is finding out why I am so jelouse of my ex's new girlfriend... and their relationship. (that i picture them having).
Keep posting you help alot of people out when you do!

IPT

Hey lost - I am glad you relate to my posts and that you feel like you are making progress. I feel like I may have ruffled a few feathers or gave the perception that I am just an ego-manic lately. Anyway, yeah, I am pretty sure my ex is seeing someone but I have no confirmation of that, nor do I want any. In the grand scheme of things my guess is you are having a hard time with it because you envision it as what you wanted, most likely not what it is or will turn into.

Still, I can understand how hard that would be to deal with. The best would be to just push the thought out of your mind as soon as it enters. When I start going down that road I need to go back to my "it doesn't matter" x3 mantra. Have you ever done any meditation? There was while back when I used to do it pretty regularly. It was pretty cool, but it was not easy at all. Pretty dang hard to keep thoughts from entering your mind. In fact it usually only took seconds for something to pop into my mind. What they tell you when you are learning is that is normal. To just recognize the thought came and then gently push it away. Don’t dwell on it, focus on it, or get upset it occurred. The same would apply here. Acknowledge it and then move it away and put focus back where it belongs…based somewhere in reality not “ideas” you have in your head of what may or may not even be happening in reality . Grieve the loss and focus on what new doors it may have opened for your future.

I can write that, but as I do my own heart sinks for a moment. Loss is hard no matter how you look at it. Especially if you start to dwell and think that someone else is getting what you feel you lost. Another thing is to realize that maybe what you lost was not really as great as you remember it being anyway. We have knck for remembering the good and forgetting why were so upset and ready to leave so many of the times between those fleeting good times.

lost84

you are having a hard time with it because you envision it as what you wanted, most likely not what it is or will turn into - I agree with you here and work at NOT thinking like that.
"it doesn't matter" x3 mantra. Have you ever done any meditation? - this works for me quite well actually especially when feeling the crying coming on! I havnt tried meditation, but working out while listening to ipod clears my mind

Im really glad you dont want to know anything regarding your ex and what she may or may not be doing, that really does seem to be the best. I wish I never kept searching for information it only led to more hurt and pain.

Another thing is to realize that maybe what you lost was not really as great as you remember it being anyway. We have knck for remembering the good and forgetting why were so upset and ready to leave so many of the times between those fleeting good times. - this is SO true, do you feel absence makes the heart grow fonder??? I swear the first time we broke up i thought i was missing out on so much but when we got back together NOTHING had changed. and like i posted if i could be in the situations where i wanted to WALK AWAY was discusted at the surroundings... (if only.. lol)
As time keeps going on and HE left me and REPLASED me. i went back to thinking im the one missing out and forgetting WHAT that relationship was really like. Constant pain, aniexty.. never knowing what would happen next. I just have really thought about that quote absence makes the heart grow fonder and wanted to see what you thought regarding it

IPT

for me abcense is not making the heart grow fonder. When I can get my head wrapped around it I do not miss the cancelled plans, the being late everytime, the lookign forward to things that never come to fruition.

The thing I think I miss at this point is companionship. She just happened to be the last person I had that with so I miss her. I guess I do miss seeing her little idiosynchracies like how she moved and stupid little things you remember about someone you've spent a lot of time with.

The thing that makes me SAD is about everything about it. How hurting she is, how she treated me, and that I allowed it to go on so long, that I know deep inside she is a good person that is just hurting and cannot find her way. That I am not in life where I thought I would be because I made bad decsions about who to invest time and energy in. That's the stuff that tears me up..