orchid

hi everyone...

firstly, i just want to say how grateful i am to have found this forum.

here's my story:

i'm 22. i met my abf about 2 1/2 years ago. completely fell in love with him (my first love, in fact). we had a beautiful relationship... now i understand that this was the "honeymoon" stage.

in october of 2008, i found an empty wax bag of heroin in his car. i had never seen heroin. he lied to me (surprise, surprise), and told me that it wasn't his.

i knew that he had been in rehab in his early teens for heroin. i was intrigued by this, in a way. how someone could kick the addiction. he wasn't completely sober in the beginning of our relationship, though. he would smoke pot sometimes, drink and take pills occasionally... we're young, and i didn't think it was a big deal. now i realize that this drug use should have been a red flag.

i began to find more of these empty wax bags... i was so confused about what was going on, and the extent of his addiction. i found a needle in december 2008. i flipped out. we broke up for a few days.. he promised that he was completely done with the drugs, (yeah, right) so we got back together.

we moved from ny to california together in january 2009. i'm under the impression that he's not using. he tells me that heroin in california is very different from the stuff in ny.. it's black tar, it's dirty, and he would never use it. hah.

i begin to find empty balloons in our apartment. i find the top of a coca cola can that's covered in black, ashy residue.

i was beginning to get so broken down. i wanted to believe his lies. how could i accept that my first love was a junkie?

i don't know if he got lazy, or too messed up, but he left all of his "supplies" laying out in our bathroom one day. needles, a belt, dope spoon, heroin. i freaked out. here i was, had just moved across the country with this guy, and i know absolutely no one in california (other than him).

i'll save you the embarrassing and gorey details. essentially my codependency, depression, loneliness, and loss of self-worth had gotten the best of me. his addiction was now just a part of our lives. i was cleaning up drops of blood and vomit on a daily basis. he manipulated me into thinking that he "had it under control," and "it wasn't a big deal." i was the only person (other than his dealers) in the world who knew. i kept his secret. out of what i thought was love, but now realize it was serious codependency.

this went on for 7 months.

in late july, we went to visit his family in new york. after a series of horrible events, i finally found the courage to tell his sister about his addiction. his family planned an intervention for the next day, and booked him a bed at a rehab. he went to rehab, and stayed for the entire month. he called me everyday, crying and apologizing. after his month in detox, they moved him to an aftercare program about an hour away from our apartment in california. it seemed that he was taking his sobriety and treatment seriously, and that we could potentially work things out with us.

he relapsed last friday. he knew that his mom and stepdad were coming in town, and that his program was going to allow him to have his first overnight weekend. opiates take about 3 days to leave your system... so he (somehow) bought heroin and used the day before his parents came in town. but he failed his drug test.

i'm so distraught. i don't know what to do. it would be much easier to leave this situation, but we have this apartment together. i can't afford to lose our security deposit. i've been on an emotional rollercoaster.. one minute i'm so angry, the next i'm crying in bed. i'm so depressed. i have always been a very confident, outgoing girl.. now i'm constantly nervous and anxious. he has ripped my innocence and good spirit away from me. i'm an absolute mess.

just so you know, my first f2f nar-anon meeting is tomorrow night. i'm so nervous about going, but i know i have to.

please help me! i need some advice.

xoxo-
orchid

hello-kitty

Hi Orchid. I just read your story and I am so sorry that you are going thru this but so glad that you came here to share. You are going to find lots of support on this website and I am so glad you are going to get some f2f support with a naranon meeting. Getting up the courage to go to a meeting was so hard for me. But once I went I felt much better. I felt relief. I felt home. And if you don't like it, you can leave.

As far as this:

There's a great post floating around on here called:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...vestments.html

I think you will find it very enlightening.

I encourage you to read all you can on this website and post as often as you want. You can survive this and come out on top. It's all about setting boundaries about what you are willing to accept in your life. It's about your values.

And your boyfriend is doing what he wants to do right now. He's a big boy. The only way to help him is to help yourself.

orchid

YES.

thank you so much for responding... i really appreciate your support. the link you posted for me was perfect. i have to be able to accept the fact that i will have to struggle financially in order to get out of this nightmare... i'm just terrified.

leelee5675

It IS terrifying...but you can do it. You may have to swallow your pride and take some help you might not normally take, but it's better than allowing not only your pride but your dignity and sense of self-worth go down the tubes, too.

I'm so glad you came here to tell your story. I don't really have advice about your specific situation, as I've never been in that exact one, but I am the grown child of an alcoholic and the mother of a recovering meth addict. So...I have had some experience in dealing with addiction.

The one thing I can tell you is that no matter how much you love someone, living with an addict is a painful and chaotic existence (not to mention lonely...we tend to get very isolated). It sounds to me like your BF is not finished, but that's just my opinion...miracles do happen. I just believe that when someone wants to change, they do it themselves, not because they felt they had to because they have been "caught" or "coerced". If you do decide to stay, for your sake, I hope he is finished.

Please do make that nar-anon meeting tomorrow. I think it will do you worlds of good. You can go in there and unload your pain and troubles, or you can just sit and listen. No one will force you to talk if you don't want to, or if you do I think you will find at least a few people who have been exactly where you are (if the group's big enough), and a lot of people who can at least relate and understand. The first three times I went to a meeting I just sat and cried. I literally could not believe that I wasn't the only one going through these emotions. It was incredibly comforting to know that others had been there, too. I think it will help you sort some things out.

Please know that the people here really do care and will be here for you anytime. Keep us posted on your situation.

Maggiemac

Wellcome to SR My son died of a overdose of herion 10 months ago. Herion no only takes your body but your mind so cleaning or detox cleans the body but it has a strong hold of the brain and the addicted needs to want to stop, you can't do it, mom and dad can't do it. HE has to want it. It is a terrible life . Maybe you should go back home and get your life back.
Your friend,
Maggiemac

Lonewolf515

You've come a long way it sounds like. Relapse is still in the process unfortunatley. Don't let yourself out there too much more. Make the meetings and keep up with support here in the mean time.

Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

LW

teke

hi orchid, welcome to sr. glad you found us but i'm sorry about what you are going through.

the addict in my life is my hubby of 23yrs, we are not together now but it took me 21 of those yrs to figure out that he was not gonna stop until he got sick and tired of using. no matter what i did or said would cause him want to change so i had to do the changing, if i wanted to live. when i first came here i was literally losing my sanity.

we all are either where you are or have been there, it can get better for you even if he's not quite ready yet. until he's ready, his addiction WILL progressively get so much worse. its up to you whether or not this is the life you want for yourself.

i agree with maggie, i know its hard and i understand you dont want to lose your deposit but as long as he's active and you choose to stay with him, you will lose so much more than your deposit. maybe you could give going home a second thought. you are so young and i hate to see you suffer for as long as i have by trying to stand by your man, the addict. i really do care. you and yours are in my prayers..

URMYEVERYTHING

I couldn't agree more with the other posters...

Your bf sounds like he is way into deep with his addiction and he will pull you down with him. Please read all the stickies on here and read other posts as well to learn that you cannot do ANYTHING to get him help at this point. He has to want it as much as he wants the drug.

I understand your dilemma, that if you leave, where will he go? He will go where his addiction will take him and that isn't a pretty sight for you to get wrapped up in. He will have to make the choice to get clean and stay clean. Possibly by you leaving, he will seek help. Sometimes, when an addict has their backs up against the wall and options aren't open to them anymore, they get forced into treatment without you verbally or physically doing it yourself. It's called painfully detaching.

If your family is an option to return to... I would make the move sooner rather than later. Like Teke said, the loss will be far greater if you stay. If he's already bringing paraphernalia into the house, then he's bringing illegal activity into the house. If your cleaning up puke and so forth, he could potentially overdose in the house while you are there and you have to be witness to this. Then, the stealing will come to support his habit and he will leave you in a bigger financial mess than you are not.

Cut your losses for now. If he's meant to be, he will clean up and come back to you and be a responsible man but for now as long as he's in active addiction he cannot offer you anything. Heck, he can't even offer himself anything at this time.

Prayers are going out to you and BIG HUGS as well.
You will make it through this.