To All the Parents.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Jason,
How's it going? I hope things are getting better every day!
Well, I can't say that my fiance and I have turned his adult addict son away in digust, more like fear. Having someone threaten to kill you will do that.....
We still tell him we love him. We just do it at a distance. Still, he probably doesn't hear it
Hugs, HG
How's it going? I hope things are getting better every day!
Well, I can't say that my fiance and I have turned his adult addict son away in digust, more like fear. Having someone threaten to kill you will do that.....
We still tell him we love him. We just do it at a distance. Still, he probably doesn't hear it
Hugs, HG
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
We still tell him we love him. We just do it at a distance. Still, he probably doesn't hear it
I think you'd be surprised when you say he doesn't hear it... I bet he does.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 26
That is beautiful. I read something the other day where a parent referred to his/her child using the term 'hate' and it broke my heart.
When your child is obviously not well, there are so many emotions that go with that. I just never got how a person can feel hate for their child. Anger, frustration, etc yes... but hate?
'detaching with love' and setting boundaries might be necessary to keep your own sanity, but I could never imagine giving up on a loved one or stop loving them, despite feeling hurt and angry.
Um I'm sure I was going somewhere with this..... but really just wanted to say I liked your post and good luck with your continued recovery.
When your child is obviously not well, there are so many emotions that go with that. I just never got how a person can feel hate for their child. Anger, frustration, etc yes... but hate?
'detaching with love' and setting boundaries might be necessary to keep your own sanity, but I could never imagine giving up on a loved one or stop loving them, despite feeling hurt and angry.
Um I'm sure I was going somewhere with this..... but really just wanted to say I liked your post and good luck with your continued recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
This is an important message, Jason, very important, although in the fear, in the anger, in all that had hopes and dreams for, in all the albeit twisted if they could only just listen…
Addiction walks in and within minutes chaos ensues and makes itself nice and comfortable.
When one actually looks on this watching side at themselves they can finally see the truth, finally understand why they reacted as they did to begin with…we really show our hand when we react, it is always because of something so much deeper, it even almost guides us where we might need to focus on us, and what we need to learn for us. And every reaction we have teaches our children to be smarter, to be more manipulative. I was always struck by parents who talk of how manipulative their children are, that isn’t something really innate within them, that is taught…Our every reaction not only teaches, but send mixed signals as well…
There is so much I can’t love you unless, see you unless…you are clean, get clean then you can, can what…
You don’t have to approve of this to love your child unconditionally and you can not enable and love free and with no strings attached. It might be more important than anything. You can talk to your child while they are out of their mind and making no sense, but then that means one can not use their child’s addiction to fill any voids within them, to complete them and now give them purpose.
I was very blessed to have been on the receiving end of that look of shame, anger and disgust as a teen, it sure as hell came in handy in dealing with my son. And I can see the pain in parents eyes, the shame, the disgust they project when they talk about their children. I don’t know if parents are acutely aware of how their words of love can be just wiped away by the truth of what they are feeling in the moment showing in their eyes.
But then Jason, even the sickest of parents can not be used as to perpetuate our insanity, as an excuse to continue to use, even if it does make sense, even if it was the only way one could find to survive the world around them…We don’t get to use anyone else as an excuse for our own madness, we jump right in two feet in our own right…while it can be fuel and parents make the most perfect of fuel, we all no matter what side we sit on cheat ourselves when we look in any other mirror but our own to gauge where we are sitting in the insanity….
Addiction walks in and within minutes chaos ensues and makes itself nice and comfortable.
When one actually looks on this watching side at themselves they can finally see the truth, finally understand why they reacted as they did to begin with…we really show our hand when we react, it is always because of something so much deeper, it even almost guides us where we might need to focus on us, and what we need to learn for us. And every reaction we have teaches our children to be smarter, to be more manipulative. I was always struck by parents who talk of how manipulative their children are, that isn’t something really innate within them, that is taught…Our every reaction not only teaches, but send mixed signals as well…
There is so much I can’t love you unless, see you unless…you are clean, get clean then you can, can what…
You don’t have to approve of this to love your child unconditionally and you can not enable and love free and with no strings attached. It might be more important than anything. You can talk to your child while they are out of their mind and making no sense, but then that means one can not use their child’s addiction to fill any voids within them, to complete them and now give them purpose.
I was very blessed to have been on the receiving end of that look of shame, anger and disgust as a teen, it sure as hell came in handy in dealing with my son. And I can see the pain in parents eyes, the shame, the disgust they project when they talk about their children. I don’t know if parents are acutely aware of how their words of love can be just wiped away by the truth of what they are feeling in the moment showing in their eyes.
But then Jason, even the sickest of parents can not be used as to perpetuate our insanity, as an excuse to continue to use, even if it does make sense, even if it was the only way one could find to survive the world around them…We don’t get to use anyone else as an excuse for our own madness, we jump right in two feet in our own right…while it can be fuel and parents make the most perfect of fuel, we all no matter what side we sit on cheat ourselves when we look in any other mirror but our own to gauge where we are sitting in the insanity….
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Lucille Ball said: "Love yourself first and everything falls into line"
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
I understand you may not being hearing I love you's, but please don't forgot to
love yourself!
Jay, Thanks for sharing here... you are an inspiration, you help us learn and you are wise beyond your years. Keep working on YOU! You are so worth it. One day, you're going to do great things!
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
I understand you may not being hearing I love you's, but please don't forgot to
love yourself!
Jay, Thanks for sharing here... you are an inspiration, you help us learn and you are wise beyond your years. Keep working on YOU! You are so worth it. One day, you're going to do great things!
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
This is an important message, Jason, very important, although in the fear, in the anger, in all that had hopes and dreams for, in all the albeit twisted if they could only just listen…
Addiction walks in and within minutes chaos ensues and makes itself nice and comfortable.
When one actually looks on this watching side at themselves they can finally see the truth, finally understand why they reacted as they did to begin with…we really show our hand when we react, it is always because of something so much deeper, it even almost guides us where we might need to focus on us, and what we need to learn for us. And every reaction we have teaches our children to be smarter, to be more manipulative. I was always struck by parents who talk of how manipulative their children are, that isn’t something really innate within them, that is taught…Our every reaction not only teaches, but send mixed signals as well…
There is so much I can’t love you unless, see you unless…you are clean, get clean then you can, can what…
You don’t have to approve of this to love your child unconditionally and you can not enable and love free and with no strings attached. It might be more important than anything. You can talk to your child while they are out of their mind and making no sense, but then that means one can not use their child’s addiction to fill any voids within them, to complete them and now give them purpose.
I was very blessed to have been on the receiving end of that look of shame, anger and disgust as a teen, it sure as hell came in handy in dealing with my son. And I can see the pain in parents eyes, the shame, the disgust they project when they talk about their children. I don’t know if parents are acutely aware of how their words of love can be just wiped away by the truth of what they are feeling in the moment showing in their eyes.
But then Jason, even the sickest of parents can not be used as to perpetuate our insanity, as an excuse to continue to use, even if it does make sense, even if it was the only way one could find to survive the world around them…We don’t get to use anyone else as an excuse for our own madness, we jump right in two feet in our own right…while it can be fuel and parents make the most perfect of fuel, we all no matter what side we sit on cheat ourselves when we look in any other mirror but our own to gauge where we are sitting in the insanity….
Addiction walks in and within minutes chaos ensues and makes itself nice and comfortable.
When one actually looks on this watching side at themselves they can finally see the truth, finally understand why they reacted as they did to begin with…we really show our hand when we react, it is always because of something so much deeper, it even almost guides us where we might need to focus on us, and what we need to learn for us. And every reaction we have teaches our children to be smarter, to be more manipulative. I was always struck by parents who talk of how manipulative their children are, that isn’t something really innate within them, that is taught…Our every reaction not only teaches, but send mixed signals as well…
There is so much I can’t love you unless, see you unless…you are clean, get clean then you can, can what…
You don’t have to approve of this to love your child unconditionally and you can not enable and love free and with no strings attached. It might be more important than anything. You can talk to your child while they are out of their mind and making no sense, but then that means one can not use their child’s addiction to fill any voids within them, to complete them and now give them purpose.
I was very blessed to have been on the receiving end of that look of shame, anger and disgust as a teen, it sure as hell came in handy in dealing with my son. And I can see the pain in parents eyes, the shame, the disgust they project when they talk about their children. I don’t know if parents are acutely aware of how their words of love can be just wiped away by the truth of what they are feeling in the moment showing in their eyes.
But then Jason, even the sickest of parents can not be used as to perpetuate our insanity, as an excuse to continue to use, even if it does make sense, even if it was the only way one could find to survive the world around them…We don’t get to use anyone else as an excuse for our own madness, we jump right in two feet in our own right…while it can be fuel and parents make the most perfect of fuel, we all no matter what side we sit on cheat ourselves when we look in any other mirror but our own to gauge where we are sitting in the insanity….
. I'm not using my parent as an excuse to using (I'm not using right now either), I'm just venting in the simplest way possible.My mom utterly confuses me. She hates my guts, whether clean or not. It's all just very discouraging...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Jason,
I'm sorry your mom confuses you. but i can tell you, that your post is "Profound".
As i learned about addiction on this site, I sought to understand this demon that possesses. My son was 19 at the time. The family and friends were very helpful, but i needed to hear from the addicts themselves. As a mom, i needed to understand to be able to help my son thru this. And thru all of you that have battled this demon of addiction, I learned that it destroys you mentally and physically. No one hates you, or loves you less, than you. The way you look at life on Drugs, is thru anger and pain, and self loathing.
So, how as a Mom, could I add to this?
It is truly hard Jason, as you do not realize what comes out of your mouth when you are using. The anger and manipulation is enough to drive any parent into a defensive position. You remember what they say to u, but you don't remember your behavior. In saying this, I realized i had not touched my son in over a year. Really touched him. Of course he was mean, abusive, and angry all of time, but i made myself lose my anger, once i understood the demon of addiction and i touched him. Just his face for a short while. Eventually, i would sit with him and just talk, nothing deep, just light. And i would touch him and really feel his soul.
Now 6 months later, my son is still clean. Working, happy, and looking forward to his future. We have been thru so much in his young life, but i am not bitter about anything that has transpired, only grateful for each day i see his beautiful smile.
As i went thru this with him Jason, i did get alot of negative responses from here, saying he would never do this and he would be using again in weeks.
I do not take one day for granted, but he has done this on his own, and I am so proud of him for his strength and courage.
I just want to "Thank you" for your post and insight in this. As parents, we need to be reminded of this. And i think, I hope, that your mom doesn't hate you in the least. You would be surprised if you would hear some of the things that you have said and done to your mom. Remember, Parents are human also, We are prepared to Nurture our children. No one comes prepared to battle the demon of addiction with our children.
Susan
I'm sorry your mom confuses you. but i can tell you, that your post is "Profound".
As i learned about addiction on this site, I sought to understand this demon that possesses. My son was 19 at the time. The family and friends were very helpful, but i needed to hear from the addicts themselves. As a mom, i needed to understand to be able to help my son thru this. And thru all of you that have battled this demon of addiction, I learned that it destroys you mentally and physically. No one hates you, or loves you less, than you. The way you look at life on Drugs, is thru anger and pain, and self loathing.
So, how as a Mom, could I add to this?
It is truly hard Jason, as you do not realize what comes out of your mouth when you are using. The anger and manipulation is enough to drive any parent into a defensive position. You remember what they say to u, but you don't remember your behavior. In saying this, I realized i had not touched my son in over a year. Really touched him. Of course he was mean, abusive, and angry all of time, but i made myself lose my anger, once i understood the demon of addiction and i touched him. Just his face for a short while. Eventually, i would sit with him and just talk, nothing deep, just light. And i would touch him and really feel his soul.
Now 6 months later, my son is still clean. Working, happy, and looking forward to his future. We have been thru so much in his young life, but i am not bitter about anything that has transpired, only grateful for each day i see his beautiful smile.
As i went thru this with him Jason, i did get alot of negative responses from here, saying he would never do this and he would be using again in weeks.
I do not take one day for granted, but he has done this on his own, and I am so proud of him for his strength and courage.
I just want to "Thank you" for your post and insight in this. As parents, we need to be reminded of this. And i think, I hope, that your mom doesn't hate you in the least. You would be surprised if you would hear some of the things that you have said and done to your mom. Remember, Parents are human also, We are prepared to Nurture our children. No one comes prepared to battle the demon of addiction with our children.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
At first I had to use anger to detach from my daughter. Later I was able to feel the love and I always tried to let her know that I would always love her, it was the addiction I hated. I used to be so afraid of the addiction. Now I am more understanding. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
Jason I know nothing of your mother so I have no way of knowing if she really hates you or not. But I do know that just because someone gives birth it doesn't make them a good mother or even a good person. I pray you are wrong about how she feels about you but if that is how she feels you can't control that any more than she could control your addiction. If she is making your recovery harder maybe you need to do the same thing we as parents have to and detach with love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Thank you for that post Jason. I love my daughter, but I hate the addiction. It takes away all her wonderful qualities. I have followed your posts Jason and I just want to send you some big hugs from this mama.
Gotahavfaith
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
Jason,
Thank you for this post, for those of us who have lost our addicted loved one, we cant change anything, but those who still have them, they can do things differently.
I always told my brother I loved him, but I wish I could go back and change some things.
Tell them you love them, you never know when you might not get another chance!!
hugs,
sisofD
Thank you for this post, for those of us who have lost our addicted loved one, we cant change anything, but those who still have them, they can do things differently.
I always told my brother I loved him, but I wish I could go back and change some things.
Tell them you love them, you never know when you might not get another chance!!
hugs,
sisofD
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by dslalonde
It is truly hard Jason, as you do not realize what comes out of your mouth when you are using. The anger and manipulation is enough to drive any parent into a defensive position. You remember what they say to u, but you don't remember your behavior.
You would be surprised if you would hear some of the things that you have said and done to your mom. Remember, Parents are human also, We are prepared to Nurture our children.
You would be surprised if you would hear some of the things that you have said and done to your mom. Remember, Parents are human also, We are prepared to Nurture our children.
Sorry if that's harsh, but I'm only telling the truth.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Jason~~I hope you know you have a whole bunch of moms on here you can talk to anytime hon...hang in there. Are you getting any therapy sessions at all?? You do need some 1 on 1 talking with someone. I feel for you and want you to know that. Hugs from a mom, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I know you are not a parent Jason…and I know your mother hasn’t been what you wish her to be, what you need her to be, just your mom above and beyond all.
I also have followed along with your father as well…so very sad.
I might be a bit to passionate with how I view addiction and the power given away in the form of insanity it tends to bring on in parents when their child walks in….
You have to know Jason that this isn’t about you….this is about her, the way she acts toward you, the love she can not give you is about her…You can not let yourself or her past with your dad for that matter be her excuse. Just because addiction walked in the door that does not mean one is undeserving of love….
Although I wonder was she able to love before is capable of loving at at, if she even knows what the simple act of loving another means.
Love yourself, just love yourself…know that you are loveable, and are worth this wonderful life. Love her, she seems to need it, accept her for what she is, just as you would love her to accept you…. and know that right now she can’t be there for you and sadly she might never be able to. But that doesn’t mean you are unlovable and it won‘t be a reflection of who you truly are unless you allow it to be.
Free yourself, as sometimes the confusion and the questions of why will not make any sense, no matter how much you might think you need them too.
Simply put, an addict in active addiction is an addict is active addiction…
How those around act, react or what they choose to become, what they take as personal that is on them, totally on them…
I also have followed along with your father as well…so very sad.
I might be a bit to passionate with how I view addiction and the power given away in the form of insanity it tends to bring on in parents when their child walks in….
You have to know Jason that this isn’t about you….this is about her, the way she acts toward you, the love she can not give you is about her…You can not let yourself or her past with your dad for that matter be her excuse. Just because addiction walked in the door that does not mean one is undeserving of love….
Although I wonder was she able to love before is capable of loving at at, if she even knows what the simple act of loving another means.
Love yourself, just love yourself…know that you are loveable, and are worth this wonderful life. Love her, she seems to need it, accept her for what she is, just as you would love her to accept you…. and know that right now she can’t be there for you and sadly she might never be able to. But that doesn’t mean you are unlovable and it won‘t be a reflection of who you truly are unless you allow it to be.
Free yourself, as sometimes the confusion and the questions of why will not make any sense, no matter how much you might think you need them too.
It is truly hard Jason, as you do not realize what comes out of your mouth when you are using. The anger and manipulation is enough to drive any parent into a defensive position. You remember what they say to u, but you don't remember your behavior.
How those around act, react or what they choose to become, what they take as personal that is on them, totally on them…
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Hugs to you Jason -- Just because someone gives birth does not mean they know how to be a mother. We all want and need to be loved, yet we cannot change the way people act. We can only change ouselves. Many people learn through negative reinforcement. They learn not to make the same mistakes as their parents - however, they make different mistakes - that is how all of us learn, through our mistakes and stumbles through life... Be the Best You Can Be -- You are Worth It ..
Best Wishes
Best Wishes
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
