To All the Parents.
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi Jason...
First of all: ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) )))))) I know you're having a tough time lately, and I've been thinking of you.
Now that that's taken care of...(and I think you already know how I feel about this, but I'll tell you anyway, just in case you don't
)
No one deserves to be treated with hate and disgust, not by anyone. I have a very strongly held belief in the inherent worth and dignity of ALL human beings, whether they be struggling with addiction or not. You deserve love Jason, as does your sister, as does everyone.
I do not believe that there are different loves: self-love, romantic love, sibling love, they're all the same. There is only love. Unfortunately your Mother's not in a mental or emotional place right now that allows her to love, not herself or others. Maybe someday she will be, but the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for her inabilty to love right now, and you are not responsible for getting her back to a place where she can. Love yourself, love Kirby, love everyone who has been supportive of you through all your many struggles.
Your Mom produced two beautiful, loving children. Try and remember times when she could love, Jason. Think back on those times when you were little, and you felt her love. And if you can remember those time, Jay, try to remember loving your Mom. It's there inside both of you Jason, and as improbable as it seems right now, maybe someday it will return. In the meantime, take care of yourself, love yourself, and keep in mind the three "C"s that are talked about so often here: you didn't cause her pain, you can't control her feelings, and you can't cure her issues.
All my love as always,
Daisy
First of all: ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) )))))) I know you're having a tough time lately, and I've been thinking of you.
Now that that's taken care of...(and I think you already know how I feel about this, but I'll tell you anyway, just in case you don't
)No one deserves to be treated with hate and disgust, not by anyone. I have a very strongly held belief in the inherent worth and dignity of ALL human beings, whether they be struggling with addiction or not. You deserve love Jason, as does your sister, as does everyone.
I do not believe that there are different loves: self-love, romantic love, sibling love, they're all the same. There is only love. Unfortunately your Mother's not in a mental or emotional place right now that allows her to love, not herself or others. Maybe someday she will be, but the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for her inabilty to love right now, and you are not responsible for getting her back to a place where she can. Love yourself, love Kirby, love everyone who has been supportive of you through all your many struggles.
Your Mom produced two beautiful, loving children. Try and remember times when she could love, Jason. Think back on those times when you were little, and you felt her love. And if you can remember those time, Jay, try to remember loving your Mom. It's there inside both of you Jason, and as improbable as it seems right now, maybe someday it will return. In the meantime, take care of yourself, love yourself, and keep in mind the three "C"s that are talked about so often here: you didn't cause her pain, you can't control her feelings, and you can't cure her issues.
All my love as always,
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Jason, I know I've told you about my relationship with my mom. I think I mentioned I decided to focus on grief therapy over her earlier this year. It's a damn good thing I did because when my mom did the next morally wrong thing (this time not to me), I was able to shake my head and chalk it up to nature and nurture. What I ended up feeling was pity for her and compassion for her latest victims.
My mom is a product of her genetics and environment. There are some things she simply cannot change, nor those before her or after. She has a really nasty mean streak and so do I, so do my children. It's been hard wired in us for at least the last 10,000 years and it's all about survival. Thankfully my dad's genes and influence gave me a counterbalance, just as my husband's genes and influence do the same for our children.
I know this is going to sound weird, but it's my mom's nasty mean gene that has helped me survive things that statistically I shouldn't. Kind of like all those stats for addicts, you know?
I've learned to take the 'bad' things about my genes and societal nurturing, turn them to my advantage, into positives. I said that to my mom last month and she was stumped at first. Then she came back acknowledging her worst traits, but reveling in them. She said sometimes she just needs to fight and she'll stir something up if she has to. Not what I meant! but at least she was finally honest with me and it was out in the open. All along, it's been all about her and it was never personal, never is.
Jason, I know I get really long winded with you, but I'm just hoping you'll find something of use in my experience with a battle axe.
I've had to tenaciously pursue: recovery from the damage; mourning the loss of a mother I never really had; accepting she is what she is, just as I am what I am. I am at peace now and it definitely helps that I'm hundreds of miles away from her.
My mom is a product of her genetics and environment. There are some things she simply cannot change, nor those before her or after. She has a really nasty mean streak and so do I, so do my children. It's been hard wired in us for at least the last 10,000 years and it's all about survival. Thankfully my dad's genes and influence gave me a counterbalance, just as my husband's genes and influence do the same for our children.
I know this is going to sound weird, but it's my mom's nasty mean gene that has helped me survive things that statistically I shouldn't. Kind of like all those stats for addicts, you know?
I've learned to take the 'bad' things about my genes and societal nurturing, turn them to my advantage, into positives. I said that to my mom last month and she was stumped at first. Then she came back acknowledging her worst traits, but reveling in them. She said sometimes she just needs to fight and she'll stir something up if she has to. Not what I meant! but at least she was finally honest with me and it was out in the open. All along, it's been all about her and it was never personal, never is.
Jason, I know I get really long winded with you, but I'm just hoping you'll find something of use in my experience with a battle axe.
I've had to tenaciously pursue: recovery from the damage; mourning the loss of a mother I never really had; accepting she is what she is, just as I am what I am. I am at peace now and it definitely helps that I'm hundreds of miles away from her.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Jay, IMO it all comes down to Acceptance and Expectations.
Accepting people for who they are. (there are many in my life I've had to do that with, beginning with my Mom and including my AD)
Expectations.......this is where I have NONE in others, because in doing so, I only set myself up for disappointment.
The Serenity Prayer says it all:
My condensed version........
Accept the things I cannot change (my mom, my AD)
Courage to change the things I can(me)
Wisdom to know that.
Your point is a good one, my AD knows that even if I am angry, disappointed, and/or frustrated with her addiction, I still love HER.
Chris
Accepting people for who they are. (there are many in my life I've had to do that with, beginning with my Mom and including my AD)
Expectations.......this is where I have NONE in others, because in doing so, I only set myself up for disappointment.
The Serenity Prayer says it all:
My condensed version........
Accept the things I cannot change (my mom, my AD)
Courage to change the things I can(me)
Wisdom to know that.
Your point is a good one, my AD knows that even if I am angry, disappointed, and/or frustrated with her addiction, I still love HER.
Chris
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Detachment works two ways as evidenced by you having to detach with love from your own mother Jason.
Hopefully, when she knows better she'll do better.
You are doing all that any of us can do and that is to clean up our own side of the street.
Jason I can tell that you are changing what you can and that you have the wisdom to accept the rest. We can seek the light no matter what. We are capable of living differently than we learned in our family of origin.
Addiction is a family disease. I figured out that I couldn't just expect and then wait for my son to seek recovery.
In the meantime I got busy doing the work for myself.
I began a wonderful transformation.
Until my son wanted recovery I showed him compassion, love, support, along with boundaries. For several yrs. I mentally detached while he physically detached with long stretches of time between contacts.
Love is patient.
Today I am happy to say that I know better and so does he.
My son has been sober for about 18 mos. We have a delightful relationship
because we both speak the same language and we are both healthier.
Thanks for the insightful post.
Hopefully, when she knows better she'll do better.
You are doing all that any of us can do and that is to clean up our own side of the street.
Jason I can tell that you are changing what you can and that you have the wisdom to accept the rest. We can seek the light no matter what. We are capable of living differently than we learned in our family of origin.
Addiction is a family disease. I figured out that I couldn't just expect and then wait for my son to seek recovery.
In the meantime I got busy doing the work for myself.
I began a wonderful transformation.
Until my son wanted recovery I showed him compassion, love, support, along with boundaries. For several yrs. I mentally detached while he physically detached with long stretches of time between contacts.
Love is patient.
Today I am happy to say that I know better and so does he.
My son has been sober for about 18 mos. We have a delightful relationship
because we both speak the same language and we are both healthier.
Thanks for the insightful post.
Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 09-23-2009 at 12:06 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Jason,
I have had the experience of a mean and merciless mother. I left home at 17 and never looked back. Still haven't. She is a distant part of my life, and to this day, i hate to say it, but i do not care whether i see her or not. She is miserable, mean, and has hurt me more than anyone in my life. I told her one day, that a dog would treat their pups better than she ever treated me. I vowed when i walked out of her home, I would leave her in her miserable life. Unfortunately, over the years, when my guard was down, she was able to get her digs in again and again.
I guess what i am trying to tell you,
I was hoping your mom wasn't like this, but as i read this, i understand.
We all wish to be loved, especially by our parents, but if that is not possible, you cannot let her make or break who you are in life. I agree with Chino.
I have lived my life without and away from my mother. I have 3 wonderful sons, and have loved and am loved by many. My life is complete and my relationship with my sons are cherished. We speak almost everyday, although we are on opposite sides of the country.
At this point in my life, I only feel sorrow for my mom at what she has missed in my life. Any part of our lives i have let her into, she has ruined and been rejected by my friends and family.
So, Jason, do not judge whether you are loved by your mother determine what the outcome of your life will be. You are totally responsible for the love you give and recieve in your lifetime. At this point, always respect that she is your mother, put her ina place in your heart that is guarded, in her little box, and live and love like there is no tomorrow!
I have had the experience of a mean and merciless mother. I left home at 17 and never looked back. Still haven't. She is a distant part of my life, and to this day, i hate to say it, but i do not care whether i see her or not. She is miserable, mean, and has hurt me more than anyone in my life. I told her one day, that a dog would treat their pups better than she ever treated me. I vowed when i walked out of her home, I would leave her in her miserable life. Unfortunately, over the years, when my guard was down, she was able to get her digs in again and again.
I guess what i am trying to tell you,
I was hoping your mom wasn't like this, but as i read this, i understand.
We all wish to be loved, especially by our parents, but if that is not possible, you cannot let her make or break who you are in life. I agree with Chino.
I have lived my life without and away from my mother. I have 3 wonderful sons, and have loved and am loved by many. My life is complete and my relationship with my sons are cherished. We speak almost everyday, although we are on opposite sides of the country.
At this point in my life, I only feel sorrow for my mom at what she has missed in my life. Any part of our lives i have let her into, she has ruined and been rejected by my friends and family.
So, Jason, do not judge whether you are loved by your mother determine what the outcome of your life will be. You are totally responsible for the love you give and recieve in your lifetime. At this point, always respect that she is your mother, put her ina place in your heart that is guarded, in her little box, and live and love like there is no tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Jason!!
there have been literally millions of us humans through history who have had to look to others for the nurturing we need that our parents could not give. Me being one of them.
I call them surrogate parents. Sometimes i find them in short stories (Reader's Digest has been a great source for me), sometimes i find them in movies, sometimes i just watch other parents with their children and am blessed. I know you have not experienced this one yet, but i have found that being a "there" mom has also helped me heal things missing from my own mom.
I watched Nova on PBS the other night where they talked about high-licking mice as opposed to low-licking mice. Turns out the high-licking mice mothers somehow changed their babies to be better able to handle stress, fight illnesses, etc. I want to be a high-licking mouse today!! I want somebody to high-lick me!!
Hang in there, Jason. Remember your Higher Power is pure love, and love changes everything.
there have been literally millions of us humans through history who have had to look to others for the nurturing we need that our parents could not give. Me being one of them.
I call them surrogate parents. Sometimes i find them in short stories (Reader's Digest has been a great source for me), sometimes i find them in movies, sometimes i just watch other parents with their children and am blessed. I know you have not experienced this one yet, but i have found that being a "there" mom has also helped me heal things missing from my own mom.
I watched Nova on PBS the other night where they talked about high-licking mice as opposed to low-licking mice. Turns out the high-licking mice mothers somehow changed their babies to be better able to handle stress, fight illnesses, etc. I want to be a high-licking mouse today!! I want somebody to high-lick me!!
Hang in there, Jason. Remember your Higher Power is pure love, and love changes everything.
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by BBD 
Jason~~I hope you know you have a whole bunch of moms on here you can talk to anytime hon...hang in there. Are you getting any therapy sessions at all?? You do need some 1 on 1 talking with someone. I feel for you and want you to know that. Hugs from a mom, Bonnie
I am in therapy for both myself and family therapy. The family therapy is a huge joke, nothing helpful is coming from it at all and me and my sister are at wit's end with her, in fact today I called the child advocate (we were moved to a foster home a few months ago, I'm out of the foster home now because I'm 18 and in college, my sister is still there) and told her to remove us from it because it's so damn useless, a waste of time, and very hurtful. She said she doesn't know if it's allowed, but she'd see what she can do...that's not a very hopeful answer. I don't expect much, but I would kill to at least have her lessen the amount of sessions we have to go.
As for the therapy for myself, it's going okay..can't say I love it though, it leaves me fairly sad afterwards.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My friend in recovery tells me not to go to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread.
In other words, if someone cannot give me what I need... it is my responsibility to get that need filled elsewhere. There are many broken children who come into 12-step recovery...some of them in the bodies of 60 year old women and men, but broken by not having the unconditional love of a parent.
The one place I've always found unconditional love is in my 12-step recovery programs. Not from every member, but from those with long-term recovery, who are working the steps and have a sponsor themselves.
I hope you can feel fulfilled by finding what you need.
((hugs))
And so far, I have been able to separate the addiction from my addicts. That helps me not project my anger on them (I hope), but on the behaviors caused by using.
I wish you well, Jason.
In other words, if someone cannot give me what I need... it is my responsibility to get that need filled elsewhere. There are many broken children who come into 12-step recovery...some of them in the bodies of 60 year old women and men, but broken by not having the unconditional love of a parent.
The one place I've always found unconditional love is in my 12-step recovery programs. Not from every member, but from those with long-term recovery, who are working the steps and have a sponsor themselves.
I hope you can feel fulfilled by finding what you need.
((hugs))
And so far, I have been able to separate the addiction from my addicts. That helps me not project my anger on them (I hope), but on the behaviors caused by using.
I wish you well, Jason.
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