What's normall? Such Mixed Feelings..
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
What's normall? Such Mixed Feelings.. Ive been debating this post for a while but now I feel I really need advice. I honestly DONT know what's NORMALL anymore 
I am so used to the way my EX Cocaine/Alcohol addict bf treated me that even though I see friends, family, people in HEALTHY relationships I cant picture myself being in one! I know now that I have issues of my own to stay with an addict and be treated with no respect over and over again and STILL TRY to please them.
Ive been on a few dates since my ex left me for another girl in July, yet its as if nothing compares to him? I remember the numerous times id be with my ex while he was getting high and all messed up, and Id say to myself "WHY am I even here? and actually question leaving.." I remember trying to sleep while he stayed up pacing around.. doing lines, playing loud music.. and thinking "OMG just come to bed babe.. at 6:30/7am in the morning"
Meeting normall guys, or having them show interest in me feels WEIRD! When I think about being happy or having a guy care about me I almost get anixety and think of all the things I "liked" about my ex that made him different, which leads me to miss him and throw away oppertunities to meet someone great.
Some people can just move on so easily I am really not that type.. I almost wish I could be put back into the situation when I last seen my ex.. because ill never forget sitting in the room with him and his friend and actually saying "k, this is NOT where I want to be right now & I ALMOST left".. Its almost as if being apart from the chaos makes you FORGET how bad it really was, what you went through and their lifestyle..
I am doing well though.. I havnt called/texted or tried to make contact with him for a long time now, I just sometimes get these feelings I need to let out, and latley it seems alot of guys are asking me out or showing interest and even if I feel interested too its SO HARD for me.. being treated well almost feels like its too much for me to handle..
I am so used to the way my EX Cocaine/Alcohol addict bf treated me that even though I see friends, family, people in HEALTHY relationships I cant picture myself being in one! I know now that I have issues of my own to stay with an addict and be treated with no respect over and over again and STILL TRY to please them.
Ive been on a few dates since my ex left me for another girl in July, yet its as if nothing compares to him? I remember the numerous times id be with my ex while he was getting high and all messed up, and Id say to myself "WHY am I even here? and actually question leaving.." I remember trying to sleep while he stayed up pacing around.. doing lines, playing loud music.. and thinking "OMG just come to bed babe.. at 6:30/7am in the morning"
Meeting normall guys, or having them show interest in me feels WEIRD! When I think about being happy or having a guy care about me I almost get anixety and think of all the things I "liked" about my ex that made him different, which leads me to miss him and throw away oppertunities to meet someone great.
Some people can just move on so easily I am really not that type.. I almost wish I could be put back into the situation when I last seen my ex.. because ill never forget sitting in the room with him and his friend and actually saying "k, this is NOT where I want to be right now & I ALMOST left".. Its almost as if being apart from the chaos makes you FORGET how bad it really was, what you went through and their lifestyle..
I am doing well though.. I havnt called/texted or tried to make contact with him for a long time now, I just sometimes get these feelings I need to let out, and latley it seems alot of guys are asking me out or showing interest and even if I feel interested too its SO HARD for me.. being treated well almost feels like its too much for me to handle..
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i maybe wrong but i think maybe it time to take a little more time out to heal from your last relationship. maybe take a little more time to get in back in touch with you.
i'm sort of going through the same thing only right now i'm not interested in dating at all. for me, its taken me a long time to get here and i think it will take me a little longer than it would have, to be able to trust myself or a new relationship. i will keep checking back to see what responses you get, i think this post is one that will help me too.
i'm sort of going through the same thing only right now i'm not interested in dating at all. for me, its taken me a long time to get here and i think it will take me a little longer than it would have, to be able to trust myself or a new relationship. i will keep checking back to see what responses you get, i think this post is one that will help me too.
Last edited by teke; 09-21-2009 at 01:20 PM.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
I have taken alot of ME time cinderella, but your right rushing into things may not be best right now.
Teke- Im glad my post may help you as well.
I used to have to HIDE my wallet each sleepover I had with my ex.. who DOES that? I just cant believe I can actually miss him at times..
Teke- Im glad my post may help you as well.
I used to have to HIDE my wallet each sleepover I had with my ex.. who DOES that? I just cant believe I can actually miss him at times..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
((((LOST))))
It's like a 3D version of accepting a compliment!
Do you prefer to not be in the spot light..... to be thinking about someone else other than yourself?
IMO- if you are unable to handle it - it's because you aren't willing to accept that you are deserving - or you don't want that kind of attention - or - you are unfamiliar with these types of relationships -and it's foreign; therefor you would feel overwhelmed.
Don't rush into anything... listen to some empowering songs ... and empower yourself!
I have been single for 3 months now...... and I will not date, yet. I am fearful of meeting someone who will just want to "fix" me.... like what happened when I left my AH years ago. Or that I will meet another closet addict.
Spend more time with yourself on your own...... find out what it is that you enjoy!
These men you are dating...... what feels weird about them? Is it because they are lacking drama? There is no challenge/chase? It's too easy?
being treated well almost feels like its too much for me to handle.
It's like a 3D version of accepting a compliment!
Do you prefer to not be in the spot light..... to be thinking about someone else other than yourself?
IMO- if you are unable to handle it - it's because you aren't willing to accept that you are deserving - or you don't want that kind of attention - or - you are unfamiliar with these types of relationships -and it's foreign; therefor you would feel overwhelmed.
Don't rush into anything... listen to some empowering songs ... and empower yourself!
I have been single for 3 months now...... and I will not date, yet. I am fearful of meeting someone who will just want to "fix" me.... like what happened when I left my AH years ago. Or that I will meet another closet addict.
Spend more time with yourself on your own...... find out what it is that you enjoy!
These men you are dating...... what feels weird about them? Is it because they are lacking drama? There is no challenge/chase? It's too easy?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
lost84... I don't know if you have read my posts, but I think this will be an obstacle for me as well. I have known chaos for a long time now and don't know what it is going to be like to be in a real relationship. I do know that I won't be ready anytime soon. It's funny because I do know what a loving ang true relationship looks like. My parents have been married for 40 years and everything about there marriage is GREAT!!!
Best of luck and remember you deserve more!!
Best of luck and remember you deserve more!!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by lost84 
I used to have to HIDE my wallet each sleepover I had with my ex.. who DOES that? I just cant believe I can actually miss him at times..
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by lost84
I used to have to HIDE my wallet each sleepover I had with my ex.. who DOES that? I just cant believe I can actually miss him at times..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I don't remember if you said you read "getting past your breakup" or not but this is EXACTLY what a lot of the book is about. About us discovering why we were in that dysfunctional relationhsip in the first place, about what in our past makes us tick and choose what we did/do, and about how to analyze and recognoze all of that so that you are comfotable with different (dare I say "normal"). How to make the breakup the best thing that ever happend to us and our personal wellness!
Someone once told me on here not to date too soon because if the "chemistry" isn't right it will just make you miss your ex more. They were right. That being said, since time has passed (it's been 6 months since I eneded it and 3 since we've spoken at all) I have dated a few "normal" girls and it has been such a breath of fresh air. I also went on a date or two with some bad apples...know what, I saw the red flags this time! There was a part of me attracted to that I recognized it...and put on the brakes. It was a cool experience.
PS: she also has a website getting past your past. Reading it is not enough, you need to do the self exploration exercises if you really are ready to learn and change. You owe it to yourself.
(the author came fom a dysfuncational upbringing and relationships. She also now specializes in dealing with grief...a bug part of what we deal with once we leave an addict or even in dealing with one).
Someone once told me on here not to date too soon because if the "chemistry" isn't right it will just make you miss your ex more. They were right. That being said, since time has passed (it's been 6 months since I eneded it and 3 since we've spoken at all) I have dated a few "normal" girls and it has been such a breath of fresh air. I also went on a date or two with some bad apples...know what, I saw the red flags this time! There was a part of me attracted to that I recognized it...and put on the brakes. It was a cool experience.
PS: she also has a website getting past your past. Reading it is not enough, you need to do the self exploration exercises if you really are ready to learn and change. You owe it to yourself.
(the author came fom a dysfuncational upbringing and relationships. She also now specializes in dealing with grief...a bug part of what we deal with once we leave an addict or even in dealing with one).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
From Go Ask Alice (an advice columnist):
In a healthy relationship, you:
Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
FWIW, I totally agree that you should take a step off the dating merry-go-round and just learn more about YOU. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone unless you have a healthy relationship with yourself, and understand what patterns and choices have caused you pain in previous relationships.
Good luck!
In a healthy relationship, you:
Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
FWIW, I totally agree that you should take a step off the dating merry-go-round and just learn more about YOU. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone unless you have a healthy relationship with yourself, and understand what patterns and choices have caused you pain in previous relationships.
Good luck!
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Normal is wondering what is for dinner and do I have a recipe..normal is trusting someone's word and that they will follow through. Normal is eating popcorn and watching an old movie that brings tears to your eyes. It is also giving thanks for the wonderful things that your eyes see and your ears hear to bring closure for the day that makes you feel content and peaceful.
Normal is also sleeping through the night and waking up with a wonder what the day will bring..
One of the first normals that came back to me was to laugh and mean it, it was a long time coming and most importantly it was acceptance or sometimes I use the word surrender to what is..is..
lauren
Normal is also sleeping through the night and waking up with a wonder what the day will bring..
One of the first normals that came back to me was to laugh and mean it, it was a long time coming and most importantly it was acceptance or sometimes I use the word surrender to what is..is..
lauren
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by lost84
Ive been debating this post for a while but now I feel I really need advice. I honestly DONT know what's NORMALL anymore
I am so used to the way my EX Cocaine/Alcohol addict bf treated me that even though I see friends, family, people in HEALTHY relationships I cant picture myself being in one! I know now that I have issues of my own to stay with an addict and be treated with no respect over and over again and STILL TRY to please them.
I am so used to the way my EX Cocaine/Alcohol addict bf treated me that even though I see friends, family, people in HEALTHY relationships I cant picture myself being in one! I know now that I have issues of my own to stay with an addict and be treated with no respect over and over again and STILL TRY to please them.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hi Lost,
One thing you mentioned that popped out at me and something that hits me at times is kind of forgetting how bad it was. It is true, time heals, lessens the pain sometimes to much in some situations. When I think about my Dad, he was so sick (cancer) and that thought and memory of him being sick was left in my mind. But after time, my thoughts of him now are of him in his healthy days. That is a healthy way and the way it should be. But this is what happens to me at times with my exah, think of him now in his healthy way, not his sick days and then I start to miss him and it kind of brings me down. Then I have to put myself back in the thoughts and memories of the days of Chaos and there was sure enough of it to swing me back around again and I know that I don't even want to spend one day again living it, the thoughts are enough.
I went through so much of what you are going through in thoughts and thinking that we need someone, meeting knew people (men) but I just didn't get that feeling of attraction, it would lead me back to thoughts and times with my husband. But again another in time or when it is ment to be it will be. It was a big change for me, my boys still around but they were doing their own thing and coming home for dinner at 5 was a thing of the past. Now I plan Sundays for a big dinner and look forward to it. Without knowing it, this time has given me...me. I bet you it has been 25 years since I could really do for me and not even think twice about it. Never Never in 47 years have I had finger nails, a bad habit, I bit them. I don't know why but in the last 2 months I stopped without even trying or thinking about it. My sisters both noticed my hands, I can't help but looking at them...for the 1st time in my life, I have nail polish!
This coming weekend I am having a crab fest in my backyard, we all pitched in money and have ordered 60 crab, clams and prawns. I have a fire pit and teaky torches, a tarp if it rains.
I have become so content in the last year and I am so ever thankful for the time my HP has given me to learn about me. It was a true blessing. HP didn't want me living my life with this chaos, it took time before it came to life for me to see it and I put up one heck of a fight, but my HP took over took me.
You don't need the chaos either Lost, let the chips fall where they may. Your HP doesn't want this for you either or that is where you would be. He has bigger plans for you!
Rose
One thing you mentioned that popped out at me and something that hits me at times is kind of forgetting how bad it was. It is true, time heals, lessens the pain sometimes to much in some situations. When I think about my Dad, he was so sick (cancer) and that thought and memory of him being sick was left in my mind. But after time, my thoughts of him now are of him in his healthy days. That is a healthy way and the way it should be. But this is what happens to me at times with my exah, think of him now in his healthy way, not his sick days and then I start to miss him and it kind of brings me down. Then I have to put myself back in the thoughts and memories of the days of Chaos and there was sure enough of it to swing me back around again and I know that I don't even want to spend one day again living it, the thoughts are enough.
I went through so much of what you are going through in thoughts and thinking that we need someone, meeting knew people (men) but I just didn't get that feeling of attraction, it would lead me back to thoughts and times with my husband. But again another in time or when it is ment to be it will be. It was a big change for me, my boys still around but they were doing their own thing and coming home for dinner at 5 was a thing of the past. Now I plan Sundays for a big dinner and look forward to it. Without knowing it, this time has given me...me. I bet you it has been 25 years since I could really do for me and not even think twice about it. Never Never in 47 years have I had finger nails, a bad habit, I bit them. I don't know why but in the last 2 months I stopped without even trying or thinking about it. My sisters both noticed my hands, I can't help but looking at them...for the 1st time in my life, I have nail polish!
This coming weekend I am having a crab fest in my backyard, we all pitched in money and have ordered 60 crab, clams and prawns. I have a fire pit and teaky torches, a tarp if it rains.
I have become so content in the last year and I am so ever thankful for the time my HP has given me to learn about me. It was a true blessing. HP didn't want me living my life with this chaos, it took time before it came to life for me to see it and I put up one heck of a fight, but my HP took over took me.
You don't need the chaos either Lost, let the chips fall where they may. Your HP doesn't want this for you either or that is where you would be. He has bigger plans for you!
Rose
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Abundance- I am NOT sure WHY I push men away when they seem interested and healthy.. I even pushed my ex away for 3 weeks before I finally made time to go out for a drink with him... I dont even know if I actually miss him or if im JELOUSE he has a new gf even though the new gf has an eating disorder and does blow with him.. I know these feelings will go away in time I just want them to vanish NOW, I no longer want to care about him, yet I do.
Unhappy- I am going to go through and read all your post's today
IPT- yes i bought that book read it, looked at the exersises yet didnt do them on paper more in my head.. i have browsed the website once.. maybe i will do it again as i dont find it helped me as much as it could have?
Mel- I am enrolled for January!! Not going to work, just focus 100% on SCHOOL, I missed you too! I have been doing well, just alot of thinking over the past week and thoughts of missing IT. really dont like the ups and downs of this. (althought my downs arent NEAR what they used to be so i know that means something!!!
All in all I know alot of people have gone through simular things and SR is amazing! I have learnt alot about myself just from reading, listening and the posts on this site. I think my missing my old relationship may just be jelousy of my ex happy with a new Girl.. I know thats unfair, because I DO want him to be happy and suceed in life. I guess the fact that I am not with him or by his side hurts.
This is also the First real relationship ive had where i was HIS gf.. ive never had that with a guy before... and as messed up as our toxic relationship was i loved him and loved having a boyfriend...
Unhappy- I am going to go through and read all your post's today
IPT- yes i bought that book read it, looked at the exersises yet didnt do them on paper more in my head.. i have browsed the website once.. maybe i will do it again as i dont find it helped me as much as it could have?
Mel- I am enrolled for January!! Not going to work, just focus 100% on SCHOOL, I missed you too! I have been doing well, just alot of thinking over the past week and thoughts of missing IT. really dont like the ups and downs of this. (althought my downs arent NEAR what they used to be so i know that means something
!!!All in all I know alot of people have gone through simular things and SR is amazing! I have learnt alot about myself just from reading, listening and the posts on this site. I think my missing my old relationship may just be jelousy of my ex happy with a new Girl.. I know thats unfair, because I DO want him to be happy and suceed in life. I guess the fact that I am not with him or by his side hurts.
This is also the First real relationship ive had where i was HIS gf.. ive never had that with a guy before... and as messed up as our toxic relationship was i loved him and loved having a boyfriend...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
WAY TO GO P! That makes me VERY happy! How about you? You sound excited too. I bet you meet some really nice guys there.
I'm glad you're thinking through this thing about IT. I'm glad too that you're downs aren't as down as they were before.
I'm glad you're thinking through this thing about IT. I'm glad too that you're downs aren't as down as they were before.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Normall is a mall in Norway. Just kidding... Couldn't resist! Normal is something that I stuggle with on a day to day basis, but is getting better as I continue to work my program in week 8 of not drinking. Your doing great!! Keep at it and normal will feel normal. Your old normal was screwed up and it will take time to heal/ adjust. Keep posting. By others sharing stories I draw much inspiration. Lot of great people who will relate and help here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by lost84
Mel- I am SO excited i am SO ready to keep doing things for ME, i actually have racked up the visa a bit LOL totally treating MYSELF spening money on ME! I totally see how my focus was buying IT
buying IT things, trying to make IT happy, and please him.. Now i am doing so much for myself
And elegently wasted.. thank you so much, hearing you say my normall was "screwed UP" realllly just made me feel better!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Originally Posted by lost84
I remember trying to sleep while he stayed up pacing around.. doing lines, playing loud music.. and thinking "OMG just come to bed babe.. at 6:30/7am in the morning"
I have lost count the ammount of times i went to bed, tried to sleep while i could hear my abf in the other room, playing loud music, doing lines and calling up loads of people on his phone. I'd wake up again at 8am and he's still sitting in the same place, doing the same thing.
So i totally relate.
Trust me, it's never nice when you're tired and you just want peace and quiet and they are as hyper active as a chipmunk.
You're best out of it. Keep remembering this memory and reminding yourself what it was like. It will help.
Imagine how most guys don't do this and have time to be considerate towards their girlfriends.
Best of luck.
~Limiya~
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