help me understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
help me understand
My AS uses because....... he has too much money, or when he is broke, his roommate moved out now he has to deal with the rent/utilities, has no transportation or license, etc., etc., etc..
When I point out to him that these are all excuses for using, he corrects me and says that they are reasons, not excuses.
Please tell me what the difference is.
When I point out to him that these are all excuses for using, he corrects me and says that they are reasons, not excuses.
Please tell me what the difference is.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The difference is denial, he has yet to accept that he is an addict but it won't take long before he knows.
My son used when he was on the street and had nothing, and my son used when he had 3 years clean, a great business, wonderful girlfriend and a life worth staying clean for. They just use when they use and there is nothing we can do about it except pray a lot and leave it between them and their Higher Power.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I truly understand because I have been where you are. All I can promise you is that it can get better, it DOES get better, for us...regardless of how our addicts are doing.
What saved my life (literally) was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 steps that have changed my entire life and made it worth living again.
Hugs
My son used when he was on the street and had nothing, and my son used when he had 3 years clean, a great business, wonderful girlfriend and a life worth staying clean for. They just use when they use and there is nothing we can do about it except pray a lot and leave it between them and their Higher Power.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I truly understand because I have been where you are. All I can promise you is that it can get better, it DOES get better, for us...regardless of how our addicts are doing.
What saved my life (literally) was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 steps that have changed my entire life and made it worth living again.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Personally one of things that has helped me to understand addiction with my son was he simply did drugs because he wanted to.
We try to find a rationale reason to the whys of it since we are not involved we feel we need a clear understanding as this is how we process life and life's problems. Again this is our take on life.
We each process differently.
I will never understand the why of it, the need of it, or the want of it since I am only empowered to control myself and what I need to fulfill my daily path.
These are our children and our role is to help support them only when they want and need support. Like I have done it is best to distance yourself from the problem of it and support the want of change not the want of the comfort to keep them in addiction.
I have drawn an invisible line regarding my sons addiction, his side, my side,
I am only responsible for that which falls on my side, he is responsible for his own decisions and what falls on his path.
When you think of this with your logical side and not your mother side, is this not what you do with those that aren't your children. Let go of those old thoughts that a mother is there for all things regardless of their actions, when addiction comes into play the rules change, this wasn't part of the bargain in having children.
We must learn to let it play out for them just as we do for ourselves.
Said with concern for your well being, also said for the ones we love as addicts that they also come to a conclusion and then we can support their efforts of wanting to quit.
lauren
We try to find a rationale reason to the whys of it since we are not involved we feel we need a clear understanding as this is how we process life and life's problems. Again this is our take on life.
We each process differently.
I will never understand the why of it, the need of it, or the want of it since I am only empowered to control myself and what I need to fulfill my daily path.
These are our children and our role is to help support them only when they want and need support. Like I have done it is best to distance yourself from the problem of it and support the want of change not the want of the comfort to keep them in addiction.
I have drawn an invisible line regarding my sons addiction, his side, my side,
I am only responsible for that which falls on my side, he is responsible for his own decisions and what falls on his path.
When you think of this with your logical side and not your mother side, is this not what you do with those that aren't your children. Let go of those old thoughts that a mother is there for all things regardless of their actions, when addiction comes into play the rules change, this wasn't part of the bargain in having children.
We must learn to let it play out for them just as we do for ourselves.
Said with concern for your well being, also said for the ones we love as addicts that they also come to a conclusion and then we can support their efforts of wanting to quit.
lauren
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
helpformyson:
May i suggest some more reading to help you understand this -
"Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers (probably on Hazelden's web site)
This book explains what is going on in the addict's brain as a result of drug use. It also explains the behaviors and logic (including the logic in your post) that the addicted brain engages in as the brain tries to find equilibrium. And the author helps us to then formulate responses to our loved ones that truly help them. Of course, truly helping them is painful for us at first, but it is something we have to do for ourselves, for the rest of our family, and for our addicted loved one.
Hang in there and keep coming back. I admire your being at a point where you are asking questions - it is a sign that you are humble enough to know you cannot do this alone...
May i suggest some more reading to help you understand this -
"Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers (probably on Hazelden's web site)
This book explains what is going on in the addict's brain as a result of drug use. It also explains the behaviors and logic (including the logic in your post) that the addicted brain engages in as the brain tries to find equilibrium. And the author helps us to then formulate responses to our loved ones that truly help them. Of course, truly helping them is painful for us at first, but it is something we have to do for ourselves, for the rest of our family, and for our addicted loved one.
Hang in there and keep coming back. I admire your being at a point where you are asking questions - it is a sign that you are humble enough to know you cannot do this alone...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 26
To help me decide what the difference was between "reason" and "excuse", I looked up the online definitions of both words.
Excuse: An explanation designed to avoid or alleviate guilt or negative judgement
Reason: a rational motive for a belief or action/a justification for something existing or happening
A rational response to the problems your son is facing would include finding a new roommate; taking driving lessons; learning to invest/working extra hours... Drug use doesn't solve any of those problems, so there's no justification for it. Plus, if he's using his other problems to alleviate his guilt about using drugs then he must realize that drugs are a problem for him, too...
I'm sorry you're both in such a tough spot and I hope you find the help you need to deal with it
Excuse: An explanation designed to avoid or alleviate guilt or negative judgement
Reason: a rational motive for a belief or action/a justification for something existing or happening
A rational response to the problems your son is facing would include finding a new roommate; taking driving lessons; learning to invest/working extra hours... Drug use doesn't solve any of those problems, so there's no justification for it. Plus, if he's using his other problems to alleviate his guilt about using drugs then he must realize that drugs are a problem for him, too...
I'm sorry you're both in such a tough spot and I hope you find the help you need to deal with it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Besides going to Al-Anon, I found that attending open NA and AA meetings helped me to understand this disease better than any book I had read. I'm not saying that the books aren't helpful....they are; but by hearing over&over&over what was shared in those meetings, and being up close and personal about it....the scales fell off my eyes and I became aware that it was God's job to work with and understand my son-not mine.
My son used for over ten years...off & on for various periods of time. There were times he lived with us and times he was out of contact with our family. We gradually learned to step away from the chaos he was creating for himself and others.
Once he had nowhere else to go...with no other resource except a loving God and a program of recovery; he was forced to seek help for himself and step up & face the consequences of his actions. None of it was easy for him; or for us, but finally he became ready to stop. He's been clean for over three years now.
After attending a few of 'their' meeetings I was forever changed and thereafter used those gatherings to help me in my own recovery as a mom who was perpetually trying to help a son who didn't want it, wasn't ready to yet, nor otherwise able to stop using drugs. It took a serious brush with the law and some jail time to change his mind.
My favorite part of the suggested Al-Anon opening reading: "The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."
There are loads of good NA, AA and Al-Anon meetings in your area, I hope you will give it try and see what they have to offer you.
My son used for over ten years...off & on for various periods of time. There were times he lived with us and times he was out of contact with our family. We gradually learned to step away from the chaos he was creating for himself and others.
Once he had nowhere else to go...with no other resource except a loving God and a program of recovery; he was forced to seek help for himself and step up & face the consequences of his actions. None of it was easy for him; or for us, but finally he became ready to stop. He's been clean for over three years now.
After attending a few of 'their' meeetings I was forever changed and thereafter used those gatherings to help me in my own recovery as a mom who was perpetually trying to help a son who didn't want it, wasn't ready to yet, nor otherwise able to stop using drugs. It took a serious brush with the law and some jail time to change his mind.
My favorite part of the suggested Al-Anon opening reading: "The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."
There are loads of good NA, AA and Al-Anon meetings in your area, I hope you will give it try and see what they have to offer you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Denial: Excuses, Rationalizations, Projection
A note to persons who are parents of an addicted person, and persons whose siblings are addicted:
You may think of them as your "child" but how long are you going to do so? If he or she is old enough to choose to drink, drug, or whatever, he is old enough that you may want to consider letting him be his own grown up person, and not look at him as a child anymore. It does them no good if we continue to see them, especially the men, as helpless and unable to take care of themselves. I did this to my brother until he was 37 years old. I'm not saying I had anything to do with his recovery from EVERY drug known to man, but as soon as I stopped looking at him and treating him as MY LITTLE BROTHER, he got clean and has been for a couple years now.
Even having conversations with them about managing their lives, or their quality of life, is not "good" for them. The healthiest thing to do is Let Go and Let God. I know it hurts a lot but a lot of the time we have to let go of them COMPLETELY so that they sink or swim. If you just can't do that, adjust yourself to not advise him and get involved with his life and decisions and excuses and scapegoating, etc etc by not becoming more intimately involved with them than you would become intimately involved with a person at the grocery store.
I know it sounds weird to us, but it really helps you to detach. Ask yourself in every involvement and every conversation with the addicted person, "Would I do this for or tell this to a person I met at the grocery store?" If the answer is Yes, you can feel reasonably safe that you are not enabling. If the answer is No, excuse yourself and walk away for a while.
A note to persons who are parents of an addicted person, and persons whose siblings are addicted:
You may think of them as your "child" but how long are you going to do so? If he or she is old enough to choose to drink, drug, or whatever, he is old enough that you may want to consider letting him be his own grown up person, and not look at him as a child anymore. It does them no good if we continue to see them, especially the men, as helpless and unable to take care of themselves. I did this to my brother until he was 37 years old. I'm not saying I had anything to do with his recovery from EVERY drug known to man, but as soon as I stopped looking at him and treating him as MY LITTLE BROTHER, he got clean and has been for a couple years now.
Even having conversations with them about managing their lives, or their quality of life, is not "good" for them. The healthiest thing to do is Let Go and Let God. I know it hurts a lot but a lot of the time we have to let go of them COMPLETELY so that they sink or swim. If you just can't do that, adjust yourself to not advise him and get involved with his life and decisions and excuses and scapegoating, etc etc by not becoming more intimately involved with them than you would become intimately involved with a person at the grocery store.
I know it sounds weird to us, but it really helps you to detach. Ask yourself in every involvement and every conversation with the addicted person, "Would I do this for or tell this to a person I met at the grocery store?" If the answer is Yes, you can feel reasonably safe that you are not enabling. If the answer is No, excuse yourself and walk away for a while.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Addicts use because they are addicted. Anything is a "reason" to use. That's just what they do. They use. If they didn't use, then they probably wouldn't be addicts.
There's no point in arguing with them. It's like hanging around in an insane asylum for too long. Eventually you go crazy too.
There's no point in arguing with them. It's like hanging around in an insane asylum for too long. Eventually you go crazy too.
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