cessy68

Insanity.

That is my life right now. The abf managed to suck me in 2 wks ago, and as you all know, everything is back to the normal.... (for him).

I'm left frustrated and exhasperated.

Here's the thing. I sit here and read everyones questions/stories, and it's all the same. Different, but the same.

I have a cold, (which is makeing me a bit down in the dumps), but otherwise --- I'm slowly starting to sink into a well of depression. VERY UNUSUAL for me. I have a tendency to get anxious, but never depressed.

Today I told my abf, (while laying on the bed staring into space), and he asked what was wrong????, I said, "I don't do anything FUN anymore. I am a mom, an employee, I cook, clean, do dishes, go to school,..... and do It all over again, day in and day out. I'm sad, and I'm exhausted."

He said , " I don't have fun either".

WTF????

I pointed out to him that he spent 8 hours playing golf this morning with his buddies, and dining out tonight... and he decided to tell me, "I'm entitled to golf, I work HARD all week."

again, WTF?????

How did a friggin conversation about ME turn into him?

It always does. Poor friggin him. I felt like saying..."your on a pill vacation every frigging day of your life, while I sit here and keep life moving along."

I'm filled with anger/rage/saddness.

I Know he is not responsible for ME, yet, in healthy relationships, one picks up the OTHER when they are feeling low, and sad. NOT here, when I point out that I'm low or sad, he tells me how much WORSE he has it.

I'm sick of it/ him/ and the life that addiction causes me to have.

SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???

Who the heck knows. AND NO I'm not a victim, but YES addiction leaves me feeling victimized.

It's not easy to figure this all out. Its confuseing and irritating.

I was thinking of going out by myself tonight, but I don't even have the energy to do my makeup.....

Perhaps I should force myself..... I just don't know anymore.

Thank you all for letting me rant and rave.... I feel like I'm gonna either 'blow', or wallow in a depressive state that I don't want to be in.

teke

sorry you are feeling low today, it does sound like a good idea for you to treat yourself to a night out. i do know how you feel though. i can count the many outtings i've had with my ah in 23yrs on one hand. sad but true, addicts tend to think only of themselves. i remember having the same kind of conversations with my ah with the same results as you got.

i had to just except that it was what it was and make plans to do something about my life even if it had to be without him. hope you feel better soon.

sailorjohn

You're gonna walk away from it. This stuff will just beat you down. You can do it.

cessy68

Hey SJ, thanx 4 that.

Haven't heard from you in a while, hope all is well with you. I think the last post of yours was about the time you saw your agf in a parking lot.....

Anyhow. How do I just walk away? How do I figure it all out/ not wanting to believe it can be the way it 'used' to be. Or that he will 'get well'.....

How do I handle my finances---- I quit my career and went back to school fulltime, (because we have both our incomes)--- it was the only way I could do it.

I'm also feeling disgusted with myself. I just figure out how to look at all of my written threads since I joined SR. How pathetic. Still beating a dead horse. Funny though, the 'good times' aren't written here......and thats what I hang on to......

Feedback?

Love,
Cess

sailorjohn

Don't be hard on yourself, I have to confess that up until last Thursday I was involved with her. I guess I finally just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I tried every codie trick in the book, of course none of them worked. And after a while, just ignoring stuff will cause the pressure to build and you blow up.

I calmed down for a bit, don't recall if I ever said this to her before, so I simply told her my truth, as a recovering alcoholic, I don't want to be involved with someone that drinks, period. And we could just ignore the past/present? crack addiction and her alcoholism-and just go with that one thing.

Not saying I'm brave or need to be applauded, I waited for her to drop me as a "friend" on Facebook, but giving myself a little credit, she had posted some inflammatory statements directed at me on her wall, along with her crack/alcoholic best friend-also not in recovery-acting as the peanut gallery.

I was furious, started to respond, and then thought of something I read, not quite sure where, I copied it and posted it on my wall Thursday night after reading some of the **ap she posted directed at me. Mind you, not claiming I'm better or healthier than her, but I'm trying to be healthier. I think it's a pretty good philosophy to live by, and I was determined to follow the good doctors' advice.

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. Wayne Dyer

In the future, gonna start trying to be more accountable, here and out there in my face to face support. We can do it.

ItsmeAlice

Cessy
I had a similar feeling back when I decided to go back to school. XABF and I were on a good run and I was between jobs. He got a better job that could support us both for a time so I thought it was a good time to try a new career. Three years later our relationship was back to the old addict/codie whirlwind. The bright side of those three years, though, were that I did finish school, got a career going that I really enjoy that pays the bills and I started recovery on my own.

You can seek true recovery for yourself while still living with him if that is the financial bind you are in. If you just can't get there any other way but staying, then do what you need to keep yourself healthy and happy. I planned small weekly outings for myself. Even if it was driving around looking for yard sales and buying nicknacks or nonsensical items for a dollar. I would get completely lost sometimes and just drive around looking at houses and listening to the radio. I love movies so I started going alone and then I would chat online with others on movie review sites about it when I got home. It just got me out of my usual routine and made me feel less isolated.

Sometimes you just have to go through the motions to feel better before you actually do. Ever tried the smile technique? No matter how blue you are, if you say 'cheese' and hold a big grin for 30 seconds it will have a brightening affect on your mood. Not a grimace, an actual smile. At the very least after 30 seconds the pain in your face will surpass the pain in your heart for a moment.

Best to you,
Alice

cessy68

Ah, I see.... well good for you for not stooping to her level. It's funny when people are doing something destructive in their life-- and you verbalize that you do not wish to have that in YOUR life, how defensive they become, and typically will lash out at you.

I suppose that is a self-preservation mode they go into, to try and aliveate the criticizm they feel is on them (usually by their own guilt) that they fail to aknowledge.

It's difficult to walk away from those we love, sick or not. I suppose all people are 'sick' in their own way, regardless if it is addicition, or whatever-- it's just about US and how much WE can take or not take.

As for me, I feel much like you, where it builds, and builds, and builds, and I 'think' I'm copeing well, and then I blow.

I like the saying that you posted on your wall.... I just read it 3xs. I believe in Karma... in every sense of the word. People don't believe it. Or choose not to believe it. It's weird, the laws of 'energy' in our lives.... that we choose to see/or fail to see.

The abf came home from golf today, and told me one of his good friends (ehm. another drug user), was in critical condition in the hospital this a.m. -- from a 3:00 am motorcycle accident. His brain is swollen, and they don't know if he is going to make it. Well, last night, I was getting out of work, (about 3 a.m., I'm bartending nights now, cause I have school during the day).... and I went to get a cup of decaf coffee. As I was driving, I had random thoughts going through my head, about addiction, the abf, etc. One of my thoughts was "live hard - die hard". I pondered what that thought was about while winding down drinking my coffee. It kept persisting in my head. I couldn't figure out what it meant....

Well this morning when I found out about his friend, I knew. I am 'aquaintences' with this guy as well, (outside of the fact that he parties) (and I don't agree with it), he is a very sweet man, who cares and provides for his family... he is an awesome dad.

I felt really bad........ and then I though..... "live hard, die hard." What a shame if he dosen't make it. Why people choose to spit in the face of their life, blows my mind. Sooner or later, that karma creeps up and says... "hey, you've tempted fate way too much...lets go."

I don't know, just what I think. Not that I wish Ill on ANYONE.... especially people we love, but you just can't keep messing with 'life' and think that karma isn't going to get ya.
Ya know?

Anyhoo.... didn't mean to get ot, but it's all the same.

The concequences that come, by the way WE live our lives, and the decisions WE make drastically affect our being.

I hope WE can get through this..................

Love,
Cess

kj3880

Yeah, Cessy, I'm right there with you. I think you are feeling exactly as I am. Nothing to really look forward to....totally burned the he!! out. I think we should start some type of Codie Sleep-away Camp. It could be in Barbados or San Martin or something. We could all rest up, read, swim, get a tan, shop, then return, rested up and relaxed, to our stressful and demanding lives. Are you with me? We could call it Camp Codie.
Although there wouldn't be any actual "camping." Too much like work. We would have it at a Hilton.
Love,
KJ

cessy68

call it camp codie.... or whatever u please kj........... just COUNT ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As soon as my dang cold goes away, I'm outta here. Gotta go do something, somehow, some way for ME!

cessy68

Alice, great advice, only problem I have w/ that theory is how much stuff builds up for me, because that is kinda how i've been living.

I told my friends this was me getting a 'financial return' on my years invested with him........

any more suggestions?

Callie

Cess, the only thing that I can think of is to figure out what you need to do to make it work financially on your own. He's obviously not ready to stop. You're obviously not content with living with an addict, which is what he is. For many years (YEARS cessy) my RAH tried to stop. This cycle can go on for a LONG time and for sure can wear you down.

If you're going to keep him there for now get your bills paid up, credit cards paid off, get $ put aside etc. Start detaching and living as though you were single even if he's still there. Stop doing things with him, for him or around him and live as though he's not there. When you have things in place then make your move.

I too know how disgusted you can get with yourself by going back and reading past posts. How humiliated you feel coming back here asking for advice, perspective on SR YET AGAIN only to be told the same thing over and over and over. Please remember though that their are many who do benefit from your posting, your thoughts and where you are at.

I think it's apparant to you now that he's not going to stop. He's not ready to stop. He's trying to make you believe he's stopped. He's still going, are you going to follow him? tough questions....

Freedom1990

So exactly how much is that 'financial' return costing you in the end?

cessy68

Hey Callie, na, he's not trying to make me believe he stopped. He finally admitted it the other day.

Whatever.

It's useless.

two things.

1.) I try to do what you suggest, and when I act like he's not even there, he notices --- and gets frightened that he's loosing me, and sucks me back in. This is how the "i'm gonna stop" talks come into play...... and somehow/someway, I buy into it.

2.) For years you say.......... I don't know how much more I can take. There is more than just addiction issues here with him. He has SO much unfinished business in his life, that impacts our lives...... that it isn't just addiction 4 me. I don't know if his unfinished business is a result of the addiction, of if part of his addiction is the not wanting to 'deal' with his unfinished business. I guess it's kinda like a "what came first the chicken or the egg" kind of question. Unfortunately, it dosen't really matter-- all I know is both issues impact my life, and I'm exhausted.

How do you do it callie........ years? I hope it's working for you.

Love,
cessy

cessy68

I wonder this myself.....

I also wonder if the negativity he brings into my world, blocks me from getting 'out from under' so to speak-- financially and otherwise.

Then I look at the bills pileing high--- and the mortgage due....... and I think, "well I've put up for it this long......"

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Love,
Cess

helpformyson

Cessy,
I know that you have figured out that addicts can and will suck the life out of you, are maniupulative and will tell you what you want and need to hear to keep you sucked in.
It is a financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, draining roller coaster ride. You loose your identity through the intentional and unintentional efforts made to keep it together.

You owe yourself and your kids more. I live by the creed "actions speak louder than words". He can say all he wants. What us he doing? Of course he is frightened he is loosing you. Your making his life easier and threatening to take that away from him. But your words without actions are also meaningless. It is so much easier just to talk about it. Actions take work.

I agree with the advice above. Get help from your friends/family & move out. You can still have a relationship with him if you truly love him, but do it on your terms. He will either straigten out or just keep telling you what you want to hear.

Abundance

Cessy....

Does he know that you know that he is back to using? I might have missed the post about it, but if not, and you haven't let him know in some shape or form..... then your strength absolutely amazes me! If I knew he was high and I was holding it in - I felt like a ticking time bomb and my insides were eating my insides and I would lose all concept of reality.
(just read your reply to callie - so he confessed w/out you confronting him?)

How old are your children Cessy? My boys are 9 and 11. I remember a post you typed about the photo montage/wall picture frame! It gave me inspiration to do something similar.

When I think about my children and the cast that is settling within them that I am able to think the most clear. I think about what my children are going to remember from their childhood. What lessons will they draw from their childhood when they encounter adult/life problems? This put things into much perspective. Growing up, I had a couple of friends who lived with their mother/boy friend. The bf's were hopeless... you could just see the stress in the mother's face- the inability of making decisions........ and my friends grew up overly compensating for their mother. Making excuses... feeling worried about their mother. SO SAD. Last year, I wound up at an ACOA meeting by accident. When I would hear these adult children talk about their childhoods... I would think of my boys - and what I was subjecting them to. I think when it comes to addiction - the children have more compassion for the addict than the codie because in their mind- they think... "mom doesn't have the drug problem - but why does she act just as crazy?" or "How can my mom care more about HIM and what he is doing instead of ME/US?"

Cessy - I'm not saying AT ALL - that is what your children are saying - I'm just letting you know what I have observed from my own experiences/thoughts in regards to my family and me.

I will think of different scenarios. I.E. the financial scenario: 4 months ago- my x had more money in his account than I had made in 4 months! I could have used his money, heck I still could, but there is NO price on my sanity!

I am rearing little men..... I am teaching them what is acceptable and not acceptable in treating other people, especially your S/O. Do I want them growing up knowing that there is actually a financial return with my "peace and sanity" at stake? Or my childrens? HELL NO! I am teaching my children that I have self worth - that I will not choose to be with a man who continually makes me cry, lies to me, says one thing and does another, is a closet drug user......
My boys know that no matter what age - we all are learning and growing as well as making mistakes- but what they also get to see is their mom learning from her mistakes. I turn it into a lesson. I have turned this relationship into a lesson... we can talk about it openly and they know that I'm in so much of a better place than I was. Financially - ummm not so much - but again - the last lesson I would want the boys to learn is that their mother stayed in something so toxic because of money!

Cessy - there is so much help out there for single mothers..... check it out.

How old are your children? Do you have full custody?

Cess - you appear to be a goal oriented person... you also seem like someone who likes to win and will do all in your power to win. Trouble is.... you can try and try and try so damn hard, but you will NEVER EVER be able to win against addiction when it's someone else's addiction! However, if you look at your abf as being your addiction...... how do you feel about that? Are you going to let THAT addiction win over you?

Suspicious

A month or so ago I was in AH's work van. I took the 'opportunity' to poke around a bit. In his glove box was a skoal can that was wiped out clean. Of course my inner alarm went off. The very next day I had another chance to check out the glove box. Rattle, Rattle, Rattle. I confronted him. I asked 'how long you had these?' --- 'Ive had those for a long time' 'You are a liar. I looked in that skoal can yesterday and it was spic & span and empty!'
On & on it went. He tried to say that he feels like he has to hide them from me cuz I get so freaked out when he has to take something. I tell him I get freaked out when I catch him trying to hide things from me and lying to me.

Of course, in just a few days I was fighting with myself trying to decide if I believed his story or not.

4 days ago AH said something that set off my alarms. Once again I had the opportunity to check his van. Skoal can--- nothing. Nothing in the glove box but the manual, door tags and a new faucet handle..... wait a minute, let's look at that handle again. He popped the temp insert out and had 5 pills hidden underneath.

I still havent said anything to him. As twisted as I know I am for even feeling the need to search plumbing supplies I do kinda think it is progress that I havent felt the need to confront him. Like I have said each time before I confronted him... I know what I know... problem was each time I confronted him he made me doubt myself. Maybe it isnt progress at all... maybe I just want to spare him from having to stoop so low as to come up with an excuse for this. He always hotly insists "I'm not a d@m# drug addict!" I think he has this picture in his mind of some drug addicts that he knows and he isnt like them. They are the drug addicts while he just takes pain pills 'every now & then'. As much as I know he needs to admit to himself that, for all the differences in him and them, where it matters he is JUST like them- I dont think I am strong enough to rub his face in it. I want him to realize it himself. Or maybe I just want to believe that he doesnt realize it. Maybe by not confronting him on this I am avoiding the what I am afraid of. If I did confront him and he denied this... this isnt just 'I put them in there cuz I didnt have any place else like with the skoal can... then I would have to admit that he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and the only one bs'ing themself is me.

Wow... that ended up being way longer and a lot deeper than I ever thought it would be. Sorry for the long post but not really cuz I gave myself a lot to think about.

sailorjohn

Suspicious, supposed you confront him about it, then what?

Do you have any boundaries in place?

The terrible things about the snooping, it robs us of our self esteem, and it teaches us to ignore what out gut instincts are telling us.

I can't give credit to the poster, but someone else asked this question of another poster and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

When did any of this become okay?

Is this really the life you want?

Abundance

Suspicious..... I don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is.... because I have done some crazy arse snooping and yeah at the end of my R... I was maybe mentioning half of the stuff I found. I would have to decide in the end if that was a battle I wanted to fight, or not. For him to tell me that I was totally crazy and wasn't really seeing what I was seeing. The incongruent world I was living was so totally toxic. I would feel like jelly on my insides and like gumby on my outside.

What I would *try* to do - was not snoop UNLESS I knew what I was going to do with the evidence once I found it. Thinking about how I was going to handle it... what boundary I had in place... do I have a boundary in place? ... if i do have one - am I really going to follow through??? - well all that *thinking* would just throw me into a deep depression because I had no flipping answers. I felt so out of control. Anywho - so - I would then think... what if I was in his shoes? I was trying to hide my dirty little secret, but he just kept on finding out, but I knew I could master manipulate him into thinking he was totally wrong.... and he would get over it - cause that is what he always did anyway. YES... I'd literally have these crazy conversations with myself (in my head). MAN - that would take so much energy that I'd just loose it and I would explode. I wish I would have known earlier about treating my head like a bad neighborhood and not going there alone!

The thing that ticked me off the most, in the end, about finding his stash or catching him in a lie...... was that it was putting me in the position of having to make a decision! Do I stay or do I leave? gulp. I would cry out in the shower in so much pain because I just felt so fricking crazy. This isn't rocket science....... NONE OF THIS IS OKAY.... !!!!!!!

So what is the answer? If you have children - then the answer is THEM. If you can't think of yourself right now- think of your children. That was my answer... it made it all so much simpler then. However, - it wasn't until I found out he cheated on me that I finally had the strength to say... I'm DONE.

Suspicious..... thank you for posting what you have. Earlier tonight I was mourning the loss of my relationship - wanting to text him that I love him, but despise the addiction and what it's done.... but that I miss him. I'm glad to have read your post because it is a good reminder of what my life was like just 2 weeks or less before he moved out.

Keep in mind..... addiction is progressive. My x was also hooked on pills and on his last opiate relapse - he was smoking heroin. For all I know - he could have been shooting up.

(((hugs))) to you suspicious. I know how you are feeling. I wish that I could tell you that your not saying anything is a good thing or a bad thing. i don't know the answer. The only one that comes to mind is to form some boundaries.... STICK TO THEM...... and mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

xoxo

cessy68

Thank you , I know..... how emotionally draining??? I think it's sucking the dang life out of me.

I'm still at a total loss....

I especially like what you said about loosing your identity through the intentional and unitentional efforts to keep it together.... so dang true... the truest thing I have heard in a long long time.