cessy68

Yes, I have my kids, and they do have their dad who is awesome. 20, (off at college) 18 - (graduating this yr) and 13--- (he's in a world of his own).

The 18 and 20 yr olds know about his issue.... he has talked openly to them about his injury and subsuquent drug dependancy....

(he's managed to minimize it to them quite well.)

All is ok.... see the thing is , (like anvil, outto, and freedom,and amy, etc.) already know is that he is a highly functional addict.

Our problems, like I said before is addiction... Plus other issues... (rather irrelevent to this site-- yet coinciding with addiction). If it were JUST pain pills from an injury... perhaps I could 'cope'. HOwever, his issues with these pills..... filter into other things.......

I don't know abs...

(and everyone else.)

I sit here and tell you how terrible i feel..... the rest of the world (including my kids don't see it.) to everyone else... he's so flippin 'normal'.

Must be nice to be addicted to drugs... and still have good credit, and a business, and a great home.... etc.

sucks for me.

Just wanted to respond to your questions.

P.s. the house and kids are mine... (none tied to him.)

Love,
cess

cessy68

Aw, SJ.....this is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo what i feel.

Love,
Cess

Seren

(((Cessy)))

So....This is the same guy who begged you for your help during his little at-home detox during which he held you hostage to his self-induced discomfort?

The detox that lasted about, oh, 4 days if I recall correctly.

Seems as though you have a lot of "thinkin' on to it" as my Aunt would say....would it be better for you to return to work and get out from under this toxic relationship and then go back to school once you get on your feet again financially?

I'm sorry that you seem to believe that you deserve to not be held in any kind of esteem by this man. You do deserve it, and only you can make a change for the better!

I hope and pray for bright and beautiful days ahead just for you!

Hugs, HG

Callie

Cessy,

Can you pay for the house by yourself? What is it about this situation that's tying you financially? If that's too private I understand. For me, I had to get this, that or the other in or out of my name. Had to consult with lawyers etc. to get myself financially where I wanted to be. Are you afraid that you can't make it financially without him and maintain your current lifestyle?

damnedone

one thing Ive learnt lately, addiction of the loved ones can drag you down and destroy you more than it destroys the addict him/herself. Actually, to the point when they do realise they need help, they don't feel like something is wrong with them and don't care what they do to the people who love them. It's just an observation and I think it's most likely correct.

Best thing to do, try to dettach emotionally as much as you can, and you will feel so much better. I know, it's easy to just say but so hard to make it true.. very hard, yet possible.

I wish you goodluck, and I hope you take some good decisions for yourself and make your life happy

~D.

neecey1224

The answer to your dilemma is right in the subject of your post....expecting

It is your expectation of different results that is making you miserable....not the circumstances of your situation.

change your expectation, and your misery will decrease, if not vanish. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's not going to change. The circumstances of your situation cannot immediately change. Your expectation can immediately change. Your pain/misery can immediately change.

Just my humble opinion from personal experience (a hard lesson to learn, and still trying to master), and the experience of other shared on these forums.

neecey1224

Another super big roadblock to my own serenity and happiness was entitlement.

I invested my time, energy and resources into my A, and I felt entitled to a return on that investment. My A made no attempt whatsoever to return any fraction whatsoever of my investment. I was deeply hurt, angry, sad, depressed and all around miserable.

Until I read a post that said (not verbatim):

Get past the expectation that choosing to sacrifice yourself entitles you to a return on your investment.

Wow. Big red truck right there.

Then I started thinking about the word "investment", which is typically a financial term. Financially, investments are categorized as low-risk, mid-risk, and high-risk. Notice all three categories are labeled "risk". That's just life. There's no such thing as no-risk. When you allow an A into your life, and choose to invest in that A, it is a high-risk investment. We all know that - we may not want to admit it, but we know it.

If your financial investment tanked, would you be deeply hurt, angry, sad, depressed and all around miserable? Would you blame the investment itself? Sure, it would suck that you lost your money, but you would chalk it up to experience and move on. You know the blame rests with you, not the stock/property/whatever, because you chose to roll the dice on a high-risk investment. You wouldn't declare that the stock/property/whatever set out to intentionally hurt you or steal your money.

That's what we do when we invest in an A. We roll the dice. We gamble. But when we don't win, we put it all on them, and that's not right. It was our choice. It was MY choice. I have to learn to own that. An A might intentionally steal my money and/or hurt me, but I PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE.

While the A is not innocent by any stretch of the imagination, by owning my part, and by changing my own perspectives and expectations of what I'm entitled to, I am now in control my own serenity and happiness.

As with everything else, its easier said than done and I am still working on it. But realizing the whole concept is the first step.

URMYEVERYTHING

This is so true and to add on to this observation is that by the time the addict wants help, there is absoultely nothing they can do to repay you for the money they have stolen from you, and/or repair the emotional damage (if severe and you let it continue) to be healed.

Couples can bounce back from addiction, however, the non-addict needs to detach ASAP to avoid all the drama that comes with the addiction and before irrepairable (sp?) damage is done.

Cessy, I believe the longer you stay, the more he will drag you down into the depths of hell with him. Your 13y/o may be in his own world, but he still remains in the home with you and your abf. He is affected by it because he sees how you are affected by it. He could probably care less about abf but he loves you unconditionally. His true love and dedication is to you, not the abf. He will learn how you accept this behavior and later in his life possibly will subject or give the same treatment to someone else. You are his role model more now than ever. He is at the age now where he learns independance. Let's give him a good start.

I agree with the other posters, detach, and let him go. If he is meant to be, he will come back and come back clean and stay that way for a long time. He owes this to himself and if he truly loves you, he will owe it to himself to be that responsibile man you deserve in your life.

I know it's hard. Build your strategy on how you will be okay with your children and be okay being alone for awhile. You already have won half the battle by acknowledging it as an issue you need to work on.

Much HUGS to ya at this time. I know detaching can be tough but each day after the detachment it gets better and better.

URMYEVERYTHING

Good point and to add you would move on and invest in something less riskier after taking that hit and/or switch up your strategy to make sure you get back what you invested.

Same with the addicts in our lives.... move on to less riskier people... healthy people... and our switch up in strategy is to change what we have been doing... which isn't working... and .... detach... let them go and find their own way... and if they return clean... then hey, we can say that was a mild to moderate investment. LOL.

cessy68

Thank you for all of your responses.

It's unimaginable to me, that a smart, normal, outgoing person such as myself, managed to convince myself that this will all be ok.

I said some really rotten things to the abf last night........ I was so flippin angry--- it all boiled over. Perhaps I needed to get it out.

The most rotten thing I said was, "don't you feel ashamed? Aren't you disgusted with yourself, after not taking pills for 5 days--- to get in your car in the morning, open up your briefcase and put that pill in your mouth? Don't YOU feel like a piece of crap? Don't YOU see?? Dosen't it make you sick inside chaseing that feeling.... like a powerless man??"

Pretty rotten. I know.

I sat here this morning and did a lot of thinking.

I have understood for a long time now, that I cant control any of this... and I can't make him see.

I took a back seat --- and really detatched, and then the point came where he truely felt it. I caused him to want to 'try'.... but it didn't work. I'm sad for him. I'm angry at myself for looseing my grip on detatching. I shouldn't of tried to 'help' him when he asked.... and I'm left starting all over again.

I am going to go back to that stance-- he can do what he wishes with his pills. I will detatch again, and make the plans necessary to fix my own life.

Love,
Cessy

URMYEVERYTHING

Cessy,