djg

I found out 4 days ago that my 25-yr-old son has been using heroin for the past 2 years. Last week he and his girlfriend (who is 3 1/2 months pregnant with my first grandchild and also using) were arrested on serious charges and are now in prison awaiting a preliminary hearing. My ex-husband had been giving them alot of money for what he thought was out-patient rehab for oxycontin use.We now know they have been using this money to but heroin. Even that word is hard for me to write. My son has been calling me multiple times each day and is tearful telling me that prison is the best place for him right now and that he has signed up for GED classes and will be attending NA meetings. He says he wants to use this experience to change his life. My ex and I are devastated. He feels the best thing for our son is to cut him off and refuses to take his calls or hire an attorney. I don't know what to do.I plan to start nar-anon meetings this week but in the meantime I need advice. I don't know if I should hire the lawyer (I have already spoken to one but not yet retained him) or provide him with a small account at the prison commissary as he has requested. This is the hardest time in my life. I am ashamed to tell my family and friends. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

STLMama

I, too, am a heartbroken Mom. I am new to all of this too. I also found out that my son was smoking heroin for at least 2 years and has been abusing prescription drugs. He started out-patient rehab this week.

I have spent a lot of time reading posts here, and I've found for me that it has helped me quite a bit.

I am also ashamed, and have not yet told my Dad about his first grandson. Not sure when and if I will. I haven't come to grips with that yet.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting this week. I went to a parents group, which I think will be best for me. I haven't found Nar-Anon meeting yet.

I've shed tears just thinking about all the other mothers out there that are going through similar situations as I am. I've come to learn a lot about drugs, recovery, addicts in the past few weeks, a world I never even imagined I'd ever be a part of.

Read the other posts, hopefully they will also help you too!

Hugs.

Abundance

You both sound like such wonderful moms.

Going to al-anon is the best thing ever. There are not many nar-anon meetings around, so people use al-anon instead. It's quite common, actually. "Letting go" and leaving it to them is literally the remedy for BOTH. The way I look at it, would be remembering what kind of discipline/parenting you would give your Kindergartner. I know with my youngin's time out ... time on their own.... that is what worked. Then we'd talk about it, I'd make my boundaries with what is or isn't okay.... and if they get crossed... BOOM - timeout!!! I also think of big letters and talking slowly and being calm. Definitely saying what I mean and not saying it mean. There is this type of detachment that goes on when you discipline your kindergartner... but as they get older - they are the ones that start detaching and then the parent wants to attach and not lose that sort of control, if you will. Al-anon will help give you the tools to get back to that place of loving detachment.


I am so sorry that you are both going through this. Opiate addiction is absolutely horrible, I mean all addictions are, but those opiates FEED the opiate receptors in the brain and then MORE receptors grow and begin craving MORE opiates. It's so horrible. It can happen very quickly too.... where the person takes the drug and then the drug takes the person. It takes awhile for the receptors to cool their jets with the cravings. The suboxone/subutex treatment has been good for opiate addicts, because it enables them to get on their feet while keeping those opiate receptors from going insane. It only will work as prescribed if the patient/client is truly working a program of recovery.

I'm glad you have found SR... the people on here understand what you are going through. I hope you keep coming back.

Peace and Love,

xoxoxo

Spiritual Seeker

yOUR SON ADMITS THAT HE NEEDS JAIL FOR A LESSON...AND SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LET THEM LEARN THE LESSON. This may be the very bottom he needed to get to.
glad to hear you plan to get busy with nar-anon. Al-anon is good too as it is about drugs and alcohol. They have parents groups in my county maybe yours too.

Ann

Bailing my son out of jail and getting him a lawyer was a huge mistake, for me. All it did was give him freedom to keep using and prolonged his journey.

Going to meetings is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Meetings literally saved my life and gave me the courage to do what I needed to do to regain my balance and learn to live a healthy life for me. I learned that I was powerless over my son's addiction and to accept that which I could not change.

Welcome to SR, there are lots of mamas here who share your pain and understand.

Hugs

Seren

My future (in just over 2 weeks) addict step son is currently in jail in a neighboring county. We are not bailing him out nor are we hiring an attorney for him. In fact, he never contacted us, so we don't officially "know".

He will be given a public defender and face the consequences of his own decisions.

Is this really, really hard. Yes.....my fiance grieves for his son....but it is time for the young man to learn that he will not be enabled and rescued every time he gets into trouble. Maybe, just maybe, he will reach his own bottom with his addiction and decide to turn around if we let him fall.....

Hugs and prayers, HG

outonalimb

djg and STLmama,

Welcome to SR. I'm very sorry to hear about your sons. I remember feeling very isolated when I found this site. I was ashamed to tell anyone about our dirty family secret and I felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going thru. This site was a real life-line for me. I learned alot about addiction and made some wonderful friends who really understood what I was saying and going thru because they had 'been there'.

I hope you find as much help and support here as I did.

You're in my prayers...:praying

marle

Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict. She is currently clean of heroin, which was her drug of choice, for 16 months. Although she always knew that I loved her, she also knew that I would not bail her out of the consequences that were hers and hers alone. Your son is telling you that he needs to be there. Listen to that mom. Let him figure it out. I always found that when I did anything to help my daughter and she did not do what I thought that she should do it created a huge resentment in me. When I was able to let go and give her to God and trust in Him to take care of her, a huge weight was lifted from me and I was able to find serenity even if she was still out there using. Don't blame yourself for not knowing. Addicts are very skilled at getting what they want. But now that you are aware try to learn as much as you can, get to meetings and practice, practice, practice letting go. Sending hugs and prayers, Marle

cherrie1

djg
I know how you feel my son too is in jail. I made the mistake of bailing him out and he just kept using and got worse, in fact he ended up getting arrested for a 2nd time. So I would not bail him out however, I have been putting money on the commissary account. I have made it very clear that I will fully support him in his recovery but no longer will I support his habit. We did hire a lawyer because his charges are felonies and while he needs to pay the consequences for stealing to support his habit we did not want him to end up in prison. We were hoping for local jail time and rehab. We live across the country from him so we could not be there for anything. In the end I was glad we paid a lawyer because we asked the lawyer to have the judge put him back in custody because we felt he was a danger to himself. Right now he sounds great because he has been clean. Nothing like this had ever happened to us so we are learning as we go along.

BBD

Hi djg~~My son is also an addict and is doing his second try at rehab. He came out the first time and didn't follow through with group meetings, medication and just thought he could do it by himself.....and couldn't. Within two years he's back in and doing sober living this time after rehab. Its so heartbreaking and I feel your pain but your hubby is right on so have faith in him and his tough love right now. I wish you tons of serenity through this cause its an awful place to be. I'm not even talking about it with family and some friends this time.......I hate this disease and just pray that all our addicts can find their way.... Smiles, Bonnie

teke

hi, welcome sorry to hear about your son. the addict in my life is my hubby, but i do understand your pain. you and your family are in my prayers.

Serenity Bound

djg & STLMama, Welcome to SR! You will find amazing strength & courage on this site. I believe you are both doing the best possible thing for yourselves....that's going to meetings.

My daughter is the addict in my life, her DOC crack. Bailing her out of any consequences only helped her to progress in her addiction.

The day b/4 my youngest grand-daughter was born, my AD & her husband used crack...........fully knowing that she was having induced labor the next day. Thank God that little one was born healthly.

The best gift I can give ME, is to leave my AD's recovery up to her and her hp.

Hugs to both of you,
Chris

Maggiemac

I am sorry you have to go through this and wellcome to SR. My son was a herion addict he died 10 months ago today of a overdose. I did all the wrong things getting him out of jail, giving him money and all the rest. Thinking I was helping him to get better. I was wrong let him stay in jail at least you know he is still alive, getting fed, and has a bed to sleep in. Herion is the devil and will jump right on your son's back as soon as you get him out. He needs to want to stop and they all say (when they are in jail) they want to stop but as soon as they get out King Herion calls their name. So leave him in as long as you can it does help. God Bless you.
Your friend
Maggiemac:ghug2

gotahavfaith

Welcome to SR. This site has been a lifesaver for me, and I hope it will be for you too. My daughter is my addict. Her drug of choice is oxycotin. Two weeks ago, I kicked her out of the house for good. I changed the locks and now have her 2 children, and she is not liking the consequences of her actions. I have never been able to detach myself from her and her addiction, until now. It has not been easy, and God does it hurt, but I think she has learned more in the last two weeks, than I been trying to do for the last 5 years. It is hard to see her this way, but it was harder having a front row seat. I am sending up prayers for all the families dealing with addiction.

Gotahavfaith

djg

Thank you all so much for your support. It is so hard to know what to do. I am coming to terms with the fact of my son's addiction althouth it is still always on my mind, difficult to think about anything else. I am going to see him today in prison and am scared about what to expect and afraid of saying the wrong things. Thank you again