LostWife

It's been quite a while since I have been on here and am not sure where to turn. My husband was an addict who took his life back in March of this year. I have found that I stopped loving him long before his death as he was not the person I once loved.

With that being said, I have moved on and am now seeing someone new. We have been casually seeing each other for 6 weeks and are now talking about taking it to a new level. My one obstacle that I seem to be having has been the unexpected feelings of distrust and anxiety - very much the same feelings I felt with my husband. I know I have to look at them as two different people but I don't know how to do that. I find myself over analyzing everything that happens and wondering when the proverbial shoe is going to drop.

I know time will help build trust but my issue is that I don't know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions during this healing process. I honestly did not expect to feel this. Is there anyone who has experienced anything similar and can help me in talking myself out of the cycle of negative thinking and just start enjoying the here and now?

catlovermi

This is definitely not my area of experience, but just the bare facts of your year make you a candidate for both grief and post traumatic stress.

From an outsider's view, it's still a short amount of time from these events. I do have experience in dealing with folks in the grieving process, and my experience is that folks who were longtime married (several decades or more) took a minimum of two years to go through their grieving process in general.

You have experienced both loss and a traumatic way of loss, even though he wasn't the same person you initially fell in love with. It may take a year to a few years for the dust to settle.

With encouragement,

CLMI

Ann

I haven`t experienced what you have, but my thoughts are that maybe some counseling will help you sort out the emotions that still haunt you. This kind of trauma isn`t something that anyone just `gets over` without help.

Taking time to find a peaceful end to all that has happened before, will leave you in a much safer and happier place for new beginnings.

I`m glad you posted, I have thought of you often.

Hugs

LostWife

Thank you both. I am seeing a counselor regularly and she is also trying to help me work through this. I just wish I could stop the negative thinking cycle that starts when things do not go my way. I am so used to the worst happening that it is hard to believe that something good can happen without something bad following. (Which was the pattern with my husband)

I will say that aside from this issue that has come up, my life has been peaceful for the first time in a very long time. I was married for 14 years and 10 of those years he was an addict. It is nice to have control over my life again.

catlovermi

Well, you know what they say in pregnancy: "Nine months up (the weight gain), nine months down (losing the baby weight)."

You were subjected to the damaging environment of addiction for a decade. You can't expect that damage to disappear in a matter of months. It will take some time to build a new track record of non-damaging ways. You are building a new normal, from nearly the ground up.

When someone's in a car wreck and gets mangled, the event is short, but the damage severe and the healing process much longer than the event.

See?

Try not to put pressure on yourself about what you may consciously or subconsciously believe you "should" be like at this point in the storyline. Just allow your healing to unfold, as long as there is forward progress happening.

CLMI

teke

sorry but i don't have any esp. either. i'm keeping an eye on the responses you are getting. i'm sure that if given the opportunity, i would be asking the same questions. i have a real issue with trust. this could be part of the cause for my lack of interest in being in a relationship. thank you for bring this to the table.

rose

Hi Lostwife,

My husband was the addict in my life for the last 6 years of our 17 year marriage. I can relate to some of your feelings of trust and anxiety and I think it is probably pretty normal to have this happen. We have become so acustom to chaos that it became our natural way to live...always on the edge just waiting for what is next, I think just lodged into our brains.

There are alot of steps for us to overcome to get to a healthy place again within ourselves. I think we really don't fully understand just how many issues we have until we are face to face with it. We try to move on, do what makes us happy...like starting a brand knew relationship, then out comes these feeling from deep inside that we didn't know exsisted...trust. I think many of us have a hardtime with trust again and rightfully so, living so long with an active addict sort of has a way zapping trust out of us.

I am glad that you reconized your issues with it and reached out for some help, because I am sure that we could damaged a relationship with this fear. Somehow we have to learn to swallow our thoughts and not react until we get to the bottom of it. I am sure that with some outside help with it and just allowing ourselved to see that the other person is sincere, we will overcome it.

Another issue that I have found within myself is how much self-confidence I have lost. Why I don't know, you would think after surviving and coming out the other end of that nightmare you would have all the confidence in the world.

I just think it is so important to reconize these feelings, no that it isn't right and dealing with it....just as you are!

Rose

rayofsunshine

Hi Lostwife, I think we've spent way too much time living in the painful chaos of addiction, when faced with a good relationship, we just don't know what to do.

Ann posted a good thread about this today... read "Language of Letting Go- Sept.18".

(((HUGS)))

LostWife

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am doing my best to try not to react for fear of ruining this relationship. Last night was really hard as I started to have all these doubts but I feel soooo much better this morning. Hearing from all of you brought a sense of calm over me and I was able to sleep. I woke up this morning with that same sense of calm. If felt so good.

It's amazing how much damage is done to us that we don't know about. I wish I had seen this while I was in my marriage but I am glad to be able to see more clearly now and seek the help I need to move forward and heal.

Each day is now a blessing - good or bad - as I know better days lie ahead!

God bless and give us the strength to move forward!

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi LostWife,
From my perspective and considering on when you lost your husband, it appears to be to soon for you to get involved with another person. It sounds like you are still grieving, maybe not his loss as you stated you have emotionally disconnected a long time ago, but just the whole experience of what you had to deal with for such a long time. The fact that you have emotionally detached could be that you have repressed the feelings for so long to even feel them. Sometimes we confuse the two. Emotionally detaching is completely different from repressing the emotions so we can no longer feel. Now that your husband is gone, the chaos is gone with him and you are now having all of these emotions you once repressed (not dealt with) resurfacing.

I say take a moment and do some self work. Reading books and literature on self care/healing would be highly recommended. Possibly seeing a therapist would help as well. Two awesome books by Melody Beattie are CoDependant No More and The Language of Letting Go. This is a great start in the rebuilding process. Also, coming here will help lots as well.