Should I give an anonymous tip for police regarding drug use?
 

My sister is a mess and falling apart. A couple of weeks ago we got a frantic call from her saying how she needed help right away because she'd been beaten up really bad (kicked/punched, etc.). Her 'boyfriend' apparently was drunk, got angry that my sister wouldn't drive him home (she refused since she was drunk as well) and took his anger out on the family car as well as her. I got the phone call and was an hour away, so of course I just called the police. I wasn't going to wait around for her to get hurt even more.

So the police came, took my sister to the station, but when they started questioning her she ran away. We picked her up from a nearby bar. The girl didn't even have any shoes on! We convinced her to go to the hospital to get checked out. She refused a urine test because she confided in me that she had snorted cocaine that night. That was the first time I had ever heard straight from her mouth she was doing something that serious. We persuaded her to file a police report the next morning.

The next day when she was supposed to get an order of protection, she ran away from home and cancelled the police report. Since then she has been back home on and off. My parents finally had enough and kicked her out. Currently she is with the same 'boyfriend'.

She has told me before that he does drugs. I got more info that he has a gun, deals cocaine as well as prescription drugs. She got freaked out when we called the police because she didn't want him to get into trouble. I know where he lives. I so want to give an anonymous tip so the cops can catch him and they can go to jail. I thought the domestic violence incident would be her rock bottom, but apparently it isn't. Maybe getting arrested would be.

I've gotten mixed opinions. Some say to do it, others say I should be afraid the drug dealer would trace it back to our family and seek revenge (whether on my sister or us). What do you think?

I just feel so helpless right now. I don't know what the hell she is thinking staying with him. She said she wasn't addicted to the cocaine and it was the first time in 2 months, but what other reason would she have to be with him? He's her supplier.

tandum, welcome. sorry about your sister, i agree with cynical, there is nothing you can do to help her. she have to want to help herself. its common for addicts sometimes lie about when and how much they use. i'm a recovering cocaine/crack addict and i can tell you that no matter what you do or say, until she is ready, she will continue down that path.

i think you did what you could by calling the police,now maybe its time to step back and allow her to suffer the consequences of her own actions. focus on taking care of you. read all you can and post as much as you like. check out the stickies at the top of forum page. alanon and naranon meetings are very helpful in learning how to cope with addiction.

i pray that she finds her way soon.

If he is dealing she could get caught up the mess and be charged will dealing too, and get sentenced to 15 years. The cops and the DAs do not give a damn who is guilty or innocent in these cases. She may well get arrested anyway, but I would have a hard time potentially setting her up. JMHO.

DR,
We can't determine what someone elses "bottom" is. I know many things my son has gone through would have been enough to make me seek a better way to live but . . . that is his decision, not mine.

Calling the police to handle a potentially violent situation was the smartest thing you could have done, continue to do that if you get anymore franctic phone calls from your sister.

You and your sister are in my thoughts.

Back when I was consumed with fixing my daughter, I went to the Police with all sorts of names, addresses and license plate numbers of all the other addicts she associated with. I expected the Police to drop everything and go out and arrest the bad guys.

Needless to say, this did not happen. It's not against the law (who knew?) to be an addict. That's different than possession or dealing. There are not enough Police anywhere to act upon tips, anonymous or otherwise, unless it validates a huge dealer operation. And even then....

Many who use drugs also sell drugs. Most who use drugs with deny doing so and or are less than honest about the frequency. Two months often means 2 hours ago.

It certainly sounds as though your sister is nowhere near done with drugs or this man. That's her choice.

Addiction needs enablers. That she has been tossed out of your parent's home means she will likely be looking to you to help her financially and/ or intervene in the drama of her life. Doing so or not, is your choice.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

Many times I debated whether I should call the police with the same type of information.

Really, it was just another way I was trying to control the outcome of the situation. If I were you, I would let the universe unfold as it is intended, and keep the focus on me.

I resembled that remark.

The only time I reported to anyone was when I called Children's Aid to check the situation with the children of my son and his girlfriend. They WERE in danger and taken to a safe place until several months later when their mother got back into recovery and showed some decent clean time.

Two things require intervention, I think, physical abuse and endangerment to children. More than that is interfering and perhaps getting in God's way.

Keeping your sister in my prayers.

Hugs

I agree - not only is it not your problem that she is addicted and with an addict but also, by phoning in an 'anonymous' tip you could be putting yourself at risk. What would happen if the police really did turn up at his door? Chances are they wouldn't do nearly enough to put/keep the bf in jail and there's a good chance he would put two and two together and realize it was you who'd called. Even if he didn't have any proof, as a woman-beater he'd definitely have no compunction about 'taking out' his suspicions on you, and your sister.

If you're going to contact the police, it's best you do it because of the domestic violence. Not only is that a bigger problem, but the police are trained to deal with it differently - i.e. restraint orders, victim counselling, drug counselling where necessary. They're trained to do these things because they tend to help the victim a bit more than a jail sentence would.

I work in that area. So I may have a different view of domestic cases. The way the law and policy is in my state, MD, a third party who knows what happened can report Domestic Violence and police are obligated to go and check on the victim. They would go to the home, take a report, photograph her injuries, if any, and get her off by herself to ask her privately if she is being abused.

If they believe that she is being abused (a third party report and some type of injury would be enough, even if she denies. Her report or an eye witness even with no visible injuries is also enough.) they are obligated to make an arrest. Even for minor cases. With or without the cooperation of your sister. I don't think that there is anything wrong with reporting domestic violence, because if she is being abused she may be afraid to call for herself.

That happens. So I'd probably call at least once, for any woman I thought was being abused, even if she did abuse drugs. But I wouldn't get involved in trying to figure out what/how much/where they used drugs. And I wouldn't take her in if she was in active addiction. To a domestic violence shelter is where she would have to go. I hope it works out for you.

Love,
KJ

You've received some excellent advice, above, from folks who have been to hell on this rollercoaster and decided to come back here and watch from the sidelines. I know... I am one of them.

And even now, years after I first discovered my kid's addiction, I have these conversations in my head...should I turn her in? Will it get her help? Is this God's will?

But I've learned the hard way (and even after being told by others what NOT to do..grin) that my "softer, easier way" was keeping my child from getting enough PAIN and AGONY from her disease of addiction to be able to make a strong decision to walk away.

Today, she is sitting in jail for six months (oh THANK YOU, God!) and I am already fearful of her release because so many go back out and use at their former level and overdose. This is sign that I NEED and MUST get myself to some Alanon meetings.

When I leave those meetings, I walk out with a stronger sense of purpose in the universe. That there are no coincidences. That even the tough stuff...even the bad things... have lessons attached. And that I really am powerless to change this path for her.


I wish you the best. ((hugs))