DRJMW

Well today I made the hardest decision of my life. I asked my AH to leave. He came to the house today to get something and I would not let him in and he pushed his way in through me and covered my mouth when I began to scream for help. He took all the papers I found - he pawned any and all jewelry (including his wedding band which hurt the most). So he took the pawn slips/unemployment stubs that he said he wasn't getting.

I went to the police to file a restraining order against him and they had me go to the court house right away. I almost didn't get it the judge was not going to give it to me cause he has no violent history. I think maybe cause she saw me start to cry she granted it for 10days. I thought he showed up at my house while I was at my son's football game so the police should up here to serve him. He was not.

He won't talk to anyone - he texted his brother to get his laptop for work and I said as long as he goes to the police station to get served. He did go cause I confirmed it with them this evening. My brother in law is staying with me tonight so I am not alone with my two little ones.

I am so sick to my stomach - I have no idea where he is staying tonight. When I saw him this after noon he had just shot up and the needle was in plain sight. He said he would rather die.

I have so much support from my family and his but why do I feel so alone. I keep reminding myself I did the right thing but I feel like a horrible person. I am scared out of my mind. My kids think at this point daddy had to go back to NY for work. I just don't know how I can keep this up.

On top of everything I tried to reach my councilor today and was told she no longer works there.

I just can't catch my breath. I am sorry for rambleing all over the place but my head is going in 500 different directions. Please I need help - I need to be strong for my kids but I feel so weak.

IPT

Wow - breath deeply. It seems like you did the right thing. I'm sure there was a build up that led to this as well. Doing the right thing is not always easy. In fact I venture to guess that doing the right thing is usually harder than just going with the flow or ignoring things that shouldn't be ignored. Then down the road when it is even harder you have to do the right hing anyway. My applauds for you taking care of yourself and being strong in a difficult time. It will get better ******{hug}}}

rose

You are not rambling, not a bit. It is very upsetting when it comes down to this. My husband pawned and pawned as well. I hope you don't leave anything of value around, I gave all my jewelry to my friend, we took the boys bikes and motor bike out as well.

I am glad that your brother-in-law is staying with you, for your own safey and support.
I so recall my husband behaving this way, the look in his eyes so cold, he was on such a mission, there was just nothing right about him. I am glad you got a restraining order. I would not be to concerned where he is going to stay tonight, they manage. Your only concern is you and the babies.

Rose

Ann

Of course this shakes you up, maybe take a few days to just rest up and regain your balance.

So many of us have experienced PTSD long after the drama has ended. I think it is because we're so busy surviving and doing what we need to do to keep working and taking care of children or just plain surviving, that we don't address the trauma as it happens. Maybe we just can't handle it until it's over and we're in a safer place. I know that I experienced a major meltdown long after my son left. I think it was the stuffed emotions coming out and the fear of what was to come all surfacing at once.

My point here is that although it is said often, we really do need to take gentle care of ourselves. This is no "bad day" we are going through, it's a long process that takes time and work to recovery from.

Hugs

teke

hi, i agree, time to step back and breathe. i think maybe you did a good thing for the both of you. try not to worry about where he may stay tonight. this could or could not be just what it will take to drive him to seeking help for himself. you've done all you could and its time, you did what you needed to do to help yourself. now, maybe he will be able to suffer the consequences of his actions without thinking you might bail him out. its ok.

my family basically did the same thing when i was active and i've done the same thing to my ah. it was sad and painful but it drove both of us into rehab for help. you may have helped to save his life by not allowing him to continue to destroy yours alone with him. he may even appreciate your actions one day, and may or may not tell you himself that you did the right thing. i know i was eventually grateful that my family cut me off. they helped in saving me from myself.

focus on you now and know that you may be helping him more than you know right now. i pray that he finds his way soon and i pray for your strength.

MsPINKAcres

((DRJMW))

saying prayers for peace and comfort for you today!

I know you have a long road ahead of you - but try to take it only one day at a time!!

Remember you were strong and wise enough to do the right thing last nite - you can find that inner strength and courage to continue to do what is best for you and your children!

HUGS,
Rita

kj3880

Don't worry about the fact that the restraining order is only for 10 days. That's always the way with the first order. But didn't you get a notice for a court appearance at the end of next week so they can reevaluate the situation? If you did, ensure you go to court and get the order extended. In my state, the second one is usually a month, then they have a formal hearing at the end of a month and give you a permanent (2 years) order. If you are afraid at 2 years, you just go get another one. It is routine for the judge to grant these just based on what you say (he held his hand over your mouth and you saw a needle, and you are frightened). Ever since OJ Simpson, it's much easier to get these orders.

You can also ask your local police to please give your home special attention. Then about once an hour, they will cruise over and shine lights all around your house at odd times. I think it helps.

Love,
KJ

URMYEVERYTHING

BREATHE, RELAX, RELATE, RELEASE... It's good you have a supportive family during this time. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Keep coming here.... we'll help you through this.

DRJMW

Well I made it through today. But I feel so much heart ache and emptyness. I have lost my soulmate. He's out there somewhere and I just can't stop worrying that he is not making the right decsions. He won't reach out to anyone. He is responding to his sister in law through text but very brief and short answers.

My boys (5 & 7) keep asking me when daddy is coming home. It crushes me. I am so tired but I can't sleep, I can't eat without throwing up so I stopped eating at this point. I am a complete mess. Any ounce of my energy I save for my kids to be strong for them. I am going back to work tomorrow to hope to refocus and keep busy and hopefully just get a little mental break on my life.

This is just to hard - I just need to know he is safe then I can take care of myself. I fear this is the end of my marriage. I hope he does not hate me for what I have done.

crazytrain

It's just so hard and confusing! Esp. when you have little ones. Be thankful you have support. I'm going through a similar situation. I dont know what to tell my boys. It makes me cry. I just look and them when they sleep I wonder how the heck I got us into this mess. But the point is your going to try to do your best, get better and make whatever is best for you and your kids.
ps. mine stole and sold EVERYTHING! my wedding band, diamond engagement ring, HIS wedding band...my treadmill, my new bike, all his tools for his job...AND MY SONS GAME SYSTEM THAT I HAD JUST GOT HIM, a wheelbarrel for God's sake!......there is no shame.
I hope this is the storm before the calm....

teke

i think if he's responding to his sil, then he's probably safe, don't you think? sorry to say but i'm willing to bet that if he were making the right choices then he wouldn't be out there somewhere. addicts are very resourceful, i believe if he can find a way to use, he'll find a way to make it through the night. try to focus on you.

i know its hard but you can get through all of this. when my parent cut me out because of my active drug use, i hit my bottom and went begging for help and like your addict, reaching out was not something that i would normally do. think about it though, this is not a normal circumstance.

today i'm so grateful for my parent's actions, yes at the time, i thought how cruel of them, but it was exactly what i needed.

you say you may have lost your soul mate, but maybe not. it don't have to be forever unless you decide it to be. one day at a time, you've decided you've had enough of his behavior. you never know, your actions may be what it takes for him to develop that do or die determination to get clean and stay clean. its possible.

what helped me was to pray for his protection and guidance. i prayed that my hp would help me to trust that he(god) was in control and he had my best interest at heart. in my mind, i would visualize myself placing my ah in god's hand and trusting him to keep him save and to lead him to the place where he wants my ah to be. hope this makes some kind of sense.

Puggrinz

I have been where you are, except I was always too scared to actually follow through with the threat I would make that he had to stop using or go. He has always left, once a year, usually the same time of year, for the last eight years. He has left once again. I know what you are going through, it's the not knowing WHAT they are doing that is the worst. It is so hard to let that part go.
I came hoome once and he was shooting up in the kitchen and I had to shove my daughter back out the front door and grab up his paraphenalia while he was in a nod and cover up the drugs and things he had spread out all over the cabinet.
I highly highly recommend Alanon or Naranon. It will help you. I also really recommend the book series "Getting Them Sober". There is a lot of great advice.
He may get mad at you. Addicts do. They get mad whenever anything affects their being able to use. They also blame you for everything. That way they don't ever have to be responsible for anything. Don't take on that blanket. That's why Alanon is so important. It helps us help ourselves. And when we stop reacting to our addicts and get proactive in doing what's right for us and our families it can't do anything but make our lives better.
It is hard at times. But there is help and support. Take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Take time to learn as much as you can about his disease. It will help you see and understand why he does a lot of the things he does.
We have all been where you are. There is hope.