IPT

So I am trying to get away from this whole dealing with addiction thing but after being involved with it so long it will always be a part of my life. Doesn’t even matter how healthy my next partner is. I was thinking about relationships in general, our expectations and appropriate conduct within them. Then I was thinking about so many of the tools and actions we are taught when having a relationship with an addict. It sort of struck me as strange since we consider addiction a disease why we go so hands off and live our own life trying not to get involved in their life? Isn’t part of being in a relationship sharing and working with your partner toward mutual as well as exclusive goals?

If my sig other had cancer, and was too sick to do something my doing it would be the right thing to do. If she was depressed, she may not ever find the strength to get help without someone pushing. Even with addiction, you see shows like intervention. I guess after dealing with this for a while I am just trying to reform my ideas in my head of just what a healthy relationship is. Are we really not supposed to have any expectations of the other person in an adult relationship?

In re-reading my post I realize of course we are supossed to be able to do that. MAybe the point is simply that when you are living with active addiction that is not possible. Not sure what the point was of this post...just "thinking" out loud I guess.

truthhurts

I thought this summed it up nicely:

Healthy Relationships -- What Do They Look Like?
Traits of a Healthy Relationship
© Nancy Wesson, Ph.D.

-Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
-Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example). (My addendum - or addicted to ANYTHING, period!)
-Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
-Both partners feel "special" to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
-Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
-There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
-The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
-Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
-The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
-Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
-Both partners are honest.
-There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (ignoring).
-Both partners have boundaries:
Each person can say "no" to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a "great sacrifice" to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
-Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
-There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.

Source: Relationship advice by Psychologist Nancy Wesson, Ph.D. Healthy Relationships -- What Do They Look Like? 15 Traits of a Healthy Relationship. Help for commitment issues, intimacy, dating, and relationship issues.

ETA: After reading this list, can any of us who have been in a relationship with an active addict actually say that most, or even any, of these traits were present? I know that I can't!

Ann

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let go. Doing for them what they can and should do for themselves, sparing them consequences for their actions, and doing what appears to be "helping" can in fact lead them to deeper addiction and possible death. And it could take us with them.

The founder of SR, a wonderful recovering addict named Jon, once reminded me that I just might love my son right into his grave.

We can love our addicts, we can pray for our addicts, but we cannot save our addicts if they do not want to save themselves.

Hugs

URMYEVERYTHING

With an active addict...... NO WAY

With a recovering addict..... MOST DEFINITELY

truthhurts

Shoot, I've been in relationships with guys who didn't have any addictions at all, and those relationships STILL didn't meet the above criteria! Sometimes, a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, ya know?

URMYEVERYTHING

I hear ya truthhurts... been there.. done that too.