Introduction / plea for advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
Introduction / plea for advice
might as well cut to it... (novel ahead, to those that read and reply THANK YOU)
We have been dealing with my gf's little brother's (21 y/o) addiction as a family now for just over a year, last weekend 1 year ago I watched him detox from opiates for the first time. I have been with my gf since i was 16 (about 10 years now...), so the kid is like a brother to me as well. He has been using for 2+ years now and in the last few months he has started using needles instead of snorting.
When we first found out I did my best to be supportive, I stayed with him while he detoxed at home, decided he wanted to got the hospital on day 3 and managed to get him enrolled in his first IOP sessions and get him on suboxone in 1 day. I guess he stayed clean for about 2 weeks or so and managed to hide it for another couple months before we found out again. We detoxed at the hospital agiain, and tried IOP agian. again clean for a couple of weeks, seems more promising this time, we are now in late january 09. Around this time he is laid off from his job as a electrician. About two thousand dollars came up missing...back to the hospital for detox, then off too his uncles house for 2 weeks before he could be placed in a state run rehab. He lasted 15 days there before he was kicked out for fighting and trying to get drugs into the facility...
At this point I didnt think he should come home, I had laid this out to him as a make it or break it type deal. He lived with friends for a few days and eventually wore his mother down and he was back in the house. Week or 2 go by and he finds another job with a different electrical company, by this time he is back into his habit pretty good. couple weeks into it he totals his car at 5 am (flipped a honda upside down...that takes some doin....). Couple of weeks go by he eventually gets back in with his old company and is being picked up every morning. He is using during all this but manages to keep it to himself (I mean he looked terrible and we all knew but we didnt know what to do...)
One day he is out mowing the lawn 1 minute, comes inside quickly and dissappears for about 6 hours. Apparently looted his mothers purse and cut out...he came home that night to bags on the porch and locked doors. Lives with friends for a couple days and eventually finds his way to his grandmothers house. She and the rest of the family are more or less clueless as to whats going on at this point. He starts detoxing after a few days there and she calls 911. This time at the hospital a ton of family show up, aunts, uncles, older cousins...We managed to actually get him admitted for a few days as he had started burning himself. Spends a couple of days in the phsyc unit and being as he has insurance this time around we managed to get him into a private rehab straight from the hospital. Insurance / the facility decide that 18 days was enough, and without listening to me urging him to goto a sober living facility he comes home.
The family home at this point has lots of hurt feelings, trust issues, resentment, and anger...not the environment to recover in but he hasnt listened to me for the last year so why start now... We do our best to be supportive, managed to get him to 20 meetings in 25 days (he has no car & no job). From what I can tell he has been using again for about 2 weeks, we havent spoke for a couple of days because he lied to a doctor to get meds to sell and I wouldnt give them to him.
Today I found out he stole his sisters car yesterday while we were out, busted it up a bit and returned it with no gas (literally couldnt even start it). Friend of mine saw him at a gas station and he was totally incoherent and drove down the wrong side of the road for about 2 blocks.... This morning he left and I told his mother to lock the doors...
I really dont know what to do at this point. He never comes to us for help, only cries for it when he is caught. Other then never "really" kicking him out we try our best not to enable but maybe not kicking him out and letting him find rock bottom is keeping this cycle going. Today I talked to a local sober living facility and they have room but he has to be clean so thats not a option for a couple of days/weeks (days for opiates but I know he has been smoking weed so that will take longer...) any insight or advice for a family trying to help a loved one is appreciated...
We have been dealing with my gf's little brother's (21 y/o) addiction as a family now for just over a year, last weekend 1 year ago I watched him detox from opiates for the first time. I have been with my gf since i was 16 (about 10 years now...), so the kid is like a brother to me as well. He has been using for 2+ years now and in the last few months he has started using needles instead of snorting.
When we first found out I did my best to be supportive, I stayed with him while he detoxed at home, decided he wanted to got the hospital on day 3 and managed to get him enrolled in his first IOP sessions and get him on suboxone in 1 day. I guess he stayed clean for about 2 weeks or so and managed to hide it for another couple months before we found out again. We detoxed at the hospital agiain, and tried IOP agian. again clean for a couple of weeks, seems more promising this time, we are now in late january 09. Around this time he is laid off from his job as a electrician. About two thousand dollars came up missing...back to the hospital for detox, then off too his uncles house for 2 weeks before he could be placed in a state run rehab. He lasted 15 days there before he was kicked out for fighting and trying to get drugs into the facility...
At this point I didnt think he should come home, I had laid this out to him as a make it or break it type deal. He lived with friends for a few days and eventually wore his mother down and he was back in the house. Week or 2 go by and he finds another job with a different electrical company, by this time he is back into his habit pretty good. couple weeks into it he totals his car at 5 am (flipped a honda upside down...that takes some doin....). Couple of weeks go by he eventually gets back in with his old company and is being picked up every morning. He is using during all this but manages to keep it to himself (I mean he looked terrible and we all knew but we didnt know what to do...)
One day he is out mowing the lawn 1 minute, comes inside quickly and dissappears for about 6 hours. Apparently looted his mothers purse and cut out...he came home that night to bags on the porch and locked doors. Lives with friends for a couple days and eventually finds his way to his grandmothers house. She and the rest of the family are more or less clueless as to whats going on at this point. He starts detoxing after a few days there and she calls 911. This time at the hospital a ton of family show up, aunts, uncles, older cousins...We managed to actually get him admitted for a few days as he had started burning himself. Spends a couple of days in the phsyc unit and being as he has insurance this time around we managed to get him into a private rehab straight from the hospital. Insurance / the facility decide that 18 days was enough, and without listening to me urging him to goto a sober living facility he comes home.
The family home at this point has lots of hurt feelings, trust issues, resentment, and anger...not the environment to recover in but he hasnt listened to me for the last year so why start now... We do our best to be supportive, managed to get him to 20 meetings in 25 days (he has no car & no job). From what I can tell he has been using again for about 2 weeks, we havent spoke for a couple of days because he lied to a doctor to get meds to sell and I wouldnt give them to him.
Today I found out he stole his sisters car yesterday while we were out, busted it up a bit and returned it with no gas (literally couldnt even start it). Friend of mine saw him at a gas station and he was totally incoherent and drove down the wrong side of the road for about 2 blocks.... This morning he left and I told his mother to lock the doors...
I really dont know what to do at this point. He never comes to us for help, only cries for it when he is caught. Other then never "really" kicking him out we try our best not to enable but maybe not kicking him out and letting him find rock bottom is keeping this cycle going. Today I talked to a local sober living facility and they have room but he has to be clean so thats not a option for a couple of days/weeks (days for opiates but I know he has been smoking weed so that will take longer...) any insight or advice for a family trying to help a loved one is appreciated...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome to SR. It sounds like all of YOU have tried your hardest to get him to change. The problem with addiction is that in order for it to really be dealt with, the ADDICT has to do all the work, and he has to really want to do it. This kid doesn't want it at all, sounds like, or maybe he does for about a DAY. Meanwhile, a whole slew of people are suffering in his wake. Would you let this guy drive you all somewhere, and just trust that he knew where he was going? He doesn't know a thing, only that whenever he gets into a bind someone who loves him comes along and helps it all go away.
YOU have to decide when enough is enough - for YOU. Not for him, cause there is really nothing you can do for him other than to let him start facing his own consequences. This is a really tough realization for family and loved ones to face, but if you can tell yourself that by helping him you are actually enabling him towards an early grave, then stopping the help will be easier. I actually felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders when I first came to SR (as a mother of an addict) and realized that his healing was NOT IN MY CONTROL, and that it was okay, heck, a great idea, to turn him over to HIS OWN higher power and let go of what little control I thought I had at the time. It was harsh, and sudden, and my son soon put himself into treatment and on suboxone, a program he learned about from his addicted friends.
Please read the stickies at the top of this page, and maybe talk with other family members about this site. Some will not believe it that it is in your future BIL's best interest to just let him go and be on his own, even if it does mean homelessness. You might be the only one at first, but you will provide a good example of the true way to help an addict -- by not helping him at all anymore. No calls unless it's to take him to treatment that second. No financial support (it will only go to drugs, that's apparent). Also, start taking better care of you. And your girlfriend
You guys aren't the ones taking the drugs; you don't have to be suffering the consequences of someone else's actions or addictions.
I found a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie to be very helpful in allowing myself to 'let go' of the addicts in my life, and to start putting all that energy where it could make a difference, into myself. Good luck. Sorry you have to be here, but it's a great place to start a new way of living while loving an addict in your family.
YOU have to decide when enough is enough - for YOU. Not for him, cause there is really nothing you can do for him other than to let him start facing his own consequences. This is a really tough realization for family and loved ones to face, but if you can tell yourself that by helping him you are actually enabling him towards an early grave, then stopping the help will be easier. I actually felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders when I first came to SR (as a mother of an addict) and realized that his healing was NOT IN MY CONTROL, and that it was okay, heck, a great idea, to turn him over to HIS OWN higher power and let go of what little control I thought I had at the time. It was harsh, and sudden, and my son soon put himself into treatment and on suboxone, a program he learned about from his addicted friends.
Please read the stickies at the top of this page, and maybe talk with other family members about this site. Some will not believe it that it is in your future BIL's best interest to just let him go and be on his own, even if it does mean homelessness. You might be the only one at first, but you will provide a good example of the true way to help an addict -- by not helping him at all anymore. No calls unless it's to take him to treatment that second. No financial support (it will only go to drugs, that's apparent). Also, start taking better care of you. And your girlfriend
You guys aren't the ones taking the drugs; you don't have to be suffering the consequences of someone else's actions or addictions. I found a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie to be very helpful in allowing myself to 'let go' of the addicts in my life, and to start putting all that energy where it could make a difference, into myself. Good luck. Sorry you have to be here, but it's a great place to start a new way of living while loving an addict in your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi there and welcome.
OK. Sorry if this message seems tough but drug addiction IS tough. And when you deal with drug addicts you need to be tough.
I am dealing with a family member who is a heroin addict as well. She is my brothers ex-wife. She deserted her daughter. Can't hold down a job. Steals and does who knows what else to support her habit. She is a wreck and blames all her problems on everything (usually her childhood or my brother) EXCEPT her drug addiction. She wants to move in with my mother, who's 65 and has a big empty 6 bedroom house. Do we let her?
Umm. No.
Do we feel bad for her? YES! But living with my mom would not help her get better. It would only give her a soft place to land in between binges. The best way we can help her is to let her know that until she seeks out help for her addiction she can not be a part of our lives or her daughters life. Is she interested in doing that? Unfortunately no. Because recovery takes hard work and commitment. And she doesn't want to do it.
Addicts don't quit using until the PAIN caused by using is worse than the PAIN caused by quitting.
And yes. The whole point of a sober living facility is that the person living there wants to be sober. That's kind of the point.
When dealing with an addict the best and only advice I have for you is to draw firm boundaries about the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in your life. If a person violates those boundaries, there must be consequenses. Otherwise it was never really a boundary in the first place. Actions speak louder than words.
Right now, your boundaries are telling him that you will support him and that it is:
OK to use drugs.
OK to break the law.
OK to risk the lives of others by driving while totally out of it.
OK to want to kill himself by using dope.
OK to steal.
Is that the message you mean to send him?
OK. Sorry if this message seems tough but drug addiction IS tough. And when you deal with drug addicts you need to be tough.
I am dealing with a family member who is a heroin addict as well. She is my brothers ex-wife. She deserted her daughter. Can't hold down a job. Steals and does who knows what else to support her habit. She is a wreck and blames all her problems on everything (usually her childhood or my brother) EXCEPT her drug addiction. She wants to move in with my mother, who's 65 and has a big empty 6 bedroom house. Do we let her?
Umm. No.
Do we feel bad for her? YES! But living with my mom would not help her get better. It would only give her a soft place to land in between binges. The best way we can help her is to let her know that until she seeks out help for her addiction she can not be a part of our lives or her daughters life. Is she interested in doing that? Unfortunately no. Because recovery takes hard work and commitment. And she doesn't want to do it.
Addicts don't quit using until the PAIN caused by using is worse than the PAIN caused by quitting.
And yes. The whole point of a sober living facility is that the person living there wants to be sober. That's kind of the point.
When dealing with an addict the best and only advice I have for you is to draw firm boundaries about the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in your life. If a person violates those boundaries, there must be consequenses. Otherwise it was never really a boundary in the first place. Actions speak louder than words.
Right now, your boundaries are telling him that you will support him and that it is:
OK to use drugs.
OK to break the law.
OK to risk the lives of others by driving while totally out of it.
OK to want to kill himself by using dope.
OK to steal.
Is that the message you mean to send him?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by estetic 
I really dont know what to do at this point. He never comes to us for help, only cries for it when he is caught. Other then never "really" kicking him out we try our best not to enable but maybe not kicking him out and letting him find rock bottom is keeping this cycle going.
i'm a recovering addict and it took for my family to totally cut me off before i got serious about getting better. they took a step back and allowed me to suffer the consequences of my own actions. eventually i was very grateful for the decisions they made to let me fall on my own. today i have a few yrs of sobriety and know that if i decide to relapse, they won't hesitate to do it again. the thought of how my life would end, helps to keep me focused.
keep reading and posting, alanon and naranon are very helpful face to face groups for family members. maybe you can look for some in your area. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
wow, thanks for the quick replies I really appreciate it.
He hasnt shown up yet tonight...I picked up a urine test giving him basically 3 options:
1. dont take it, find somewhere else to stay
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
really dont think we have any other options at this point.
Again thank you for the replies!
He hasnt shown up yet tonight...I picked up a urine test giving him basically 3 options:
1. dont take it, find somewhere else to stay
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
really dont think we have any other options at this point.
Again thank you for the replies!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by estetic
wow, thanks for the quick replies I really appreciate it.
He hasnt shown up yet tonight...I picked up a urine test giving him basically 3 options:
1. dont take it, find somewhere else to stay
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
really dont think we have any other options at this point.Again thank !
He hasnt shown up yet tonight...I picked up a urine test giving him basically 3 options:
1. dont take it, find somewhere else to stay
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
really dont think we have any other options at this point.Again thank !
4) Calling the Police and pressing charges for stealing the car. Think of it this way- the next person he steals from may blow his head off.
You cannot force someone sober.
You cannot support someone sober.
You cannot love someone sober.
He's not done yet. Can you respect this and give him the dignity to realize the consequences of his choices?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by estetic
The family home at this point has lots of hurt feelings, trust issues, resentment, and anger...not the environment to recover in but he hasnt listened to me for the last year so why start now... We do our best to be supportive, managed to get him to 20 meetings in 25 days (he has no car & no job). From what I can tell he has been using again for about 2 weeks, we havent spoke for a couple of days because he lied to a doctor to get meds to sell and I wouldnt give them to him.
I really dont know what to do at this point. He never comes to us for help, only cries for it when he is caught.
I really dont know what to do at this point. He never comes to us for help, only cries for it when he is caught.
He's not asking for your help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
wow...just got a call, he isnt coming home tonight...
he got jumped downtown and is in the hospital, apparently it was the kids he was with, left him in a alley, luckly someone called a ambulance...he got admitted so hopefully he can dry out and this can be a wake up call.
so many crazy twists and turns these last few months, its exhausting, stuff like this makes it seem surreal then you remember its real life...
again thanks for the replies.
he got jumped downtown and is in the hospital, apparently it was the kids he was with, left him in a alley, luckly someone called a ambulance...he got admitted so hopefully he can dry out and this can be a wake up call.
so many crazy twists and turns these last few months, its exhausting, stuff like this makes it seem surreal then you remember its real life...
again thanks for the replies.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My boundaries are for me. I do not try to change someone elses behavior. Only my own
So instead of creating a complicated set of rules around whether or not someone passes a drug test
It would be a very simple boundary for me:
I value respect and honesty in my life. You have been neither respectful or honest. Therefore I do not want you around me anymore. If you do not leave peacefully and immediately, I will call the police and have you removed. If you would like help for your addiction, I'll be happy to drop you off at the nearest rehab facility. You have 5 minutes to get out of here.
End of discussion.
So instead of creating a complicated set of rules around whether or not someone passes a drug test
1. dont take it, find somewhere else to stay
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
2. take it, come up clean, goto sober living ASAP (best case, but i think the least probable)
3. take it, come up dirty, find somewhere else to stay or I will drop him off at the hospital...
I value respect and honesty in my life. You have been neither respectful or honest. Therefore I do not want you around me anymore. If you do not leave peacefully and immediately, I will call the police and have you removed. If you would like help for your addiction, I'll be happy to drop you off at the nearest rehab facility. You have 5 minutes to get out of here.
End of discussion.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
IMO
Just because he "got jumped" and ended up in the local hospital is not a reason to run to him. Let him suffer the consequences of being where he shouldn't have been, with people he shouldn't have been with, doing things he shouldn't have been doing. The hospital staff can take care of him just fine. It can't be a "wake up call" if his family is there to answer - let him answer on his own.
Good luck.
Just because he "got jumped" and ended up in the local hospital is not a reason to run to him. Let him suffer the consequences of being where he shouldn't have been, with people he shouldn't have been with, doing things he shouldn't have been doing. The hospital staff can take care of him just fine. It can't be a "wake up call" if his family is there to answer - let him answer on his own.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by estetic
wow...just got a call, he isnt coming home tonight...
he got jumped downtown and is in the hospital, apparently it was the kids he was with, left him in a alley, luckly someone called a ambulance...he got admitted so hopefully he can dry out and this can be a wake up call.
so many crazy twists and turns these last few months, its exhausting, stuff like this makes it seem surreal then you remember its real life...
again thanks for the replies.
he got jumped downtown and is in the hospital, apparently it was the kids he was with, left him in a alley, luckly someone called a ambulance...he got admitted so hopefully he can dry out and this can be a wake up call.
so many crazy twists and turns these last few months, its exhausting, stuff like this makes it seem surreal then you remember its real life...
again thanks for the replies.
It's likely the circumstances that put him in the hospital ( assuming he really is in the hospital) are not what he conveyed. Sounds like he could have owed a dealer some money and took a beating or perhaps he tried to steal from someone who was not going to let that happen. This is routine stuff in the life of many addicts. And sadly, it barely registers for many addicts. Challenging for us normies to comprehend, eh?
Have you considered Al-anon, for yourself?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
