Puggrinz

Yesterday I was speaking with a recovering addict about my partner of 8 years and he said that because my husband is a functioning addict and is always "on" his drug, that he will never hit bottom. My husband has moved out of the house and away from his family and into a home with a crippled invalid in order to pursue his habit without any crap from me, and has recently taken out cash advances on credit cards to do what I can only imagine what with. I have no hope if I think he will never hit bottom! I certainly feel that I have hit bottom! Is this true? Do functioning addicts never hit bottom? He has been an addict/alcoholic for at least 40 years. He told me point blank today: "don't you get it? Isn't it obvious? I am NEVER going to quit!" I don't know what to think, what to do? I am so crazed by all this that since I don't believe anything else that he says, I think I shouldn't believe that either! I feel like if I believe that he never wants to quit, it is like giving up on him. And in case you haven't figured it out yet, I am very new to this recovery thing. I grew up in an alcoholic home and have been with my addicted/alcoholic partner eight years and was in an alcoholic abusive marriage before this relationship. I feel like such a complete loser, lower than dog crap. Today has been a really really bad day.

teke

hi, puggrinz, welcome. glad you joined us, lots of exp,strength and hope here. i'm a recoverying addict married but separated from my active addicted hubby of 23 yrs. it took me 21 of those yrs to figure out that there was nothing i could do to help him, he had to want to help himself.

its good that you are on the outside right now. try to keep the focus on you. he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

first, i believe that there is no such thing as a functioning addict. addiction is so progressive, left alone, he WILL get worse, just my exp. you said it yourself, he's already started in on the credit card. hope you are not attached to that card, a little now, lot later.

sorry but all i've ever heard is that addiction leads to jail, institutions or death. sounds like for now, he had free reign to use, just give it time and he'll wish he could quit.
his bottom may or may not be what you think it might be but left alone and untreated, i don't know how he can not one day reach his bottom, whatever that may be,

as long as he have a warm place to land and people bailing him out, it could seem like he is functioning just fine. trust me, he won't be able to last forever, the question is, how long are you willing to wait? i started out a young woman and now i'm 20+yrs older, is this how you want to life your life for the long haul.as he begans to be allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions, he may or may not have a change of heart about quitting, thats usually what it takes. have you tried alanon or naranon support group for your support? i'll keep you and him in my prayers.

Impurrfect

((Puggrinz))

Welcome to SR! I'm in a similar boat to ((Teke)) - I'm a recovering addict (RA) but I also have loved ones who are addicts.

It's true that as long as he finds someone to make his life easy (enable him), he may not hit bottom. Had someone made sure I had a nicce comfy place to lay my head every night, food to eat, and money to spend on my drugs, I doubt I would have every wanted to quit.

The thing is, MOST people get tired of enabling at some point. Addicts usually run out of people to use - and that IS what they are doing...using people.

The best thing anyone who loves/cares for an addict can do is let the addict do what they're going to do ..because that's exactly what they're going to do anyway. All we can do is take care of us. No more enabling. If they're hungry, they can find a food bank; need a place to sleep? find a shelter. Heck, I did the homeless thing for quite a while and it STILL took time for me to hit bottom.

I hope you continue to read and post here. It's hard to detach from someone you care about, but it's the best thing for both of you. I've often said, the very best thing my family ever did for me was allow me to fall on my face then figure out a way to get back up, on my own. Not only did I learn a lot about what I was really made of (I'm not as weak as I thought I was), but it gave ma a little bit of pride in myself and when you're used to beating yourself up as so many of us do, that helps us to move forward.

The same goes for us loved ones of addicts. We may think we're weaklings and can't turn them away. We do it when we're ready; when we're tired of the same thing happening over and over and over again. That's when WE learn we're not so weak and the world doesn't fall apart when we stand up for ourselves.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Hi I want to welcome you! I hope you will continue to read everything you can at this site. You will find many people who have walked a similar path as you or who are in the midst of dealing with an addict.

How heartwrenching to hear someone say that. But we must allow others the opportunity to make bad choices and live with them. And then we must decide for ourselves how we want to live our lives and get about the business of doing it.

It's too bad we can't force someone to change -to live their life the way we want them too. But we can't. All we can do is protect ourselves and try to live a healthy whole lifestyle that doesn't support their addiction.

The three Cs:
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

Puggrinz

I just wanted to thank you guys for responding. I have felt absolutely so alone and crazy through all of this. For the first few seconds every morning when I wake up I actually forget what is going on and then it hits me and ugh! It's like black clouds press me down. Well I am going to go to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow night. I have GOT to learn how not to enable or save him any more. I think after reading your posts that I have made it so easy for him to keep using by making sure the bills were paid, that there was good food waiting for him, that he had a warm soft bed and comfy home. I made up excuses for him when he would berate himself. Jeez I just thought I was being a good friend and wife! I thought if I didn't do these things then I would suffer, I wouldn't have peace, because I am a really responsible person. I can't stand not having my bills paid on time, you know my word is my word kind of thing. Well even though he is the one who instigated the seperation, I think it is a blessing for me. Really and truly this past week of not talking to him except once, I have at least had physical and pretty much emotional peace in my home because I have not had to sit there while someone looks me in the eye and lies to me and sneaks around and just BS's!! I am sad, this isn't how I pictured my marriage turning out. But it is what it is. I don't know if he ever will hit bottom, but I really think I have. I am going to go to Alanon, I am going to get better for me and learn how to let him make his own mistakes and maybe he will and maybe he won't get better, but I will. And no wonder for the last eight years he has told me NOT to go to ALANON because our town was too small and everyone would know our business. Well no wonder he didn't want me to go, he didn't want me to learn how to quit enabling him! He wanted to control me through his addiction, and it has worked! I have been so terrified of not having money for the bills and just even being left by him that I have put up with so much! Ugh! I have got to get well. I can't wait for that meeting tomorrow. Thank you all so much for your support and for this site. I can't tell you what it meant to find it late at night when I felt at the end of my rope and just so deep in despair. Thank you God for the peace I am finding. Now I am off with my teenage daughter for a weekend in the city going to a broadway play and having dinner and I will be back tomorrow evening. (A mini holiday!) We have looked forward to this for so long and there is no way his junk is going to ruin it for us. Thank you Thank you Thank you again!

Envelope

Please dont think of yourself as that!!! You are not dog crap!! You are are feeling like you have no idea what to do. Well it starts with YOU!! Get back to the basics and elimate all the sh*t you have gone through with this man and the previous relationship.

What makes you tick? What have you been meaning to do for yourself but has never made time to do it? By starting there you are going tp feel some sort of accomplishment. You have been abused and its time to stop the cycle!!!!!

About the functioning addict - I went to my Nar Alon meeting yesterday and that word was brought up (read my post) To me a functioning addict is just that. Functioning to the outside world. My partner was just that (and now and then dropped the ball) His rock bottom was a few things: being caught for drinking and driving and has to appear in court soon (and face jail sentence - here is South Africa you dont want to end up there), shame when he called for prostitutes while high and I think the time of the death of his mother he was wired while holding her...

Some people are different and you cant predict their rock bottom. You have hit yours now so climb out that dark hole and think about yourself!!

Stay in touch!!
PS) Oh, and listen to what HelloKitty said: the 3 C's - I also got that from her, and it makes complete sense!!

sojourner

Don't know if this was said earlier, but i'll mention it anyway.

Protect yourself financially. Don't know what state you live in, but it could be that if you are only separated (not through legal means) then the debts he builds up are your debts. And your signature is not needed on the paperwork. You'll find out about them when he does not pay the bills!! I know this from personal experience.

So i know you are in emotional pain right now. But you really need to get it together enough so that you can get to a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself ASAP. Today might just be the day he racks up $1000s on that credit card....

Hang in there. You will survive this. You're on a site here where literally thousands of us have survived this.

kristyk1

For my brother R, I thought for sure he was at rock bottom when our brother J died of a drug overdose. I couldn't understand why he was STILL using the same exact drugs that killed our brother. It's been 15 months since J's death and after a stint in rehab, R is back to using. He said he's trying to find a way to handle all his responsibilities AND be able to unwind the way he wants (which is using drugs). I guess rock bottom varies from person to person. Your H will hit it eventually, but it might not be when you expect.

Good luck to you!!!!!! Take care of YOURSELF.

hello-kitty

I just want you to know that to a non-addict, functioning addict may mean functioning to the outside world. But to an addict, it means having enough drugs so that you can comfortably supply your habit everyday.

I didn't consider myself a functioning addict when I had a job and a place to live. I considered myself a recreational user. By your definition, I would have been a functioning addict.

My ex considered himself a functioning addict because he was a drug dealer supporting his habit. He had an endless supply of dope and he needed it to physically function. The outside world certainly wouldn't have considered him functioning. But he was perfectly happy living with his life. And I had a good "friend" who considered herself a functioning addict because she was an "escort" supporting her habit. She too had an endless supply of dope and couldn't physically function without it.

To my "friends", the non-functioning addicts were the ones who were homeless, incoherent, toothless and living on the streets - the ones who were out of drugs and had no stable supply.

Anyway, functioning means different things to different people. It's nearly impossible to understand what it means to an addict unless you've been one.

EvilBunny

I think the very idea of bottom is stupid because it can only be known in hindsight. "Bottom" is just what was going on in someone's life when they finally quit. The concept of "hitting bottom" also implies that addicts are so stupid that they can't learn from terrible consequences, but must be hit with something truly catastrophic in order to recognize the harmful nature of their habits. Addiction is characterized by continued use despite knowing full well the terrible consequences. I have had situations that I've heard others call hitting bottom many times (e.g. arrests, accidents, job loss, etc.) and each time I knew I couldn't continue to drink and use and still function. Each time I did it again.

kj3880

Not really, EB. There is a bottom for every addict, IMO, though it may be death for some. It doesn't have to be a single catastrophic event. An addict might just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That's all it was for me. Nothing special happened. I just got tired of spending good money on it. Tired of disappointing my teen child when I was ill or unable to afford the trips and extras we used to have. I still had a nice home, plenty of food, and a good job. But I woke and realized I would lose it all if I didn't stop. So I went to NA and stopped. I was 43 years old when I realized I was an addict and needed help.

Puggrinz, I think you made the absolute right decision to leave him. I had to leave my using ABF when I cleaned up. But just to let you know, it is possible for us functional types to wake up and smell the loss and recover. We do recover, some of us.
:praying
Love,
KJ

Puggrinz

Hello Kitty, I really think you've hit the nail on the head with this statement, actually with everything you've said. I guess I have been in denial because I didn't see him as sick as he is because he has a job and we have a nice home and we have things, i.e. property, cars, money to do things. I know I never considered him like the people he associates with, his "druggie friends" as I call them. How prejudiced of me! Other than the material comforts we have, he is exactly like them! Maybe worse!
I think my husband thinks of himself as a recreational user. He often makes the statement that he is not as bad as so and so, and he can quit when he wants to, and then he relate some terrible story about how bad someone elses addiction is and then say "aren't you glad that I'm not like that?" He's real good about pointing out other's faults. Earlier in the day that he left we had what I thought was a heart to heart and I told him how sorry I was that I had hit and screamed at him two weeks ago and how no matter what, he didn't deserve to treated that way, that no one did. Then after he went out and scored several hours later and came home and of course I screamed and yelled and hit him, he told me "You said you've changed! I can't believe you are doing this again, You said you changed! I was just trying to have a quiet evening at home and you have went off on me for nothing and I just want you to tell me you love me!" Which was the LAST thing I could do!!!!! OMG this sounds so stupid and ridiculous when I recount it!!!
Anyways, you guys are really helping me already. I now know that what I think should be his bottom is probably not his bottom. He has been using and drinking for more than 40 years, so his bottom is probably really deep. But he has to get there on his own and I need to stay out of his way and just let it happen.
To those of you worried about my financial situation--thanks! for your advice. I have been down this particular part of the road several times with him, so do know what to do to protect myself. Unfortunately in my state if the seperation is not legal we are both still liable for any debts. No I am not ready to take that step yet, but I do have precautions in place to protect my home and car. Now our investment properties, well I have explained to him many times the legallity of putting all that at risk, and if he loses it through his actions so be it. Maybe that's his bottom, maybe not. But I will have my home and vehicle and my daughter and I will have food on the table and all that.
He has had felony DUI's, lost his license for life, spent a lot of time in jail. That kind of stuff doesn't faze him. I'm not sure anything fazes him right now. I have seen him laying on the couch and his auntie call to tell him his mother has been admitted to a hospital for an emergency and he takes the blanket and covers up his head and turns over. He tells me he loses this job, he'll find another. Umm, like I said, there doesn't seem to be anything in my mind that I can think of that fazes him. He's been with countless "friends" who've OD'd. Investigated by the police for more than one od incident. I have been down this road many many times. The difference this time is I have changed. I have grown sick of being sick and tired and exhausted by his actions and choices. I have grown sick of being lied to and snuck around on. My feeling right now is hey you want it, go get it. Go get it until it runs out your ears and nose, just leave me completely alone. So while I did not make him leave, HE is the one who left me, it has been for the best. I haven't talked to him for the last two days, which for me is a lifetime. But it is a start. Right now I am working on breaking my addiction to him! So far I have my two days down and I'm taking it hour by hour. Every hour that I don't talk to him, is every hour I have peace and am not getting sucked in to his junk! I am thankful for that and for the loving thoughts and words that everyone is giving me right now. Thank you so much!!

ladyhawk69

Welcome ((Puggrinz))!!

This is a wonderful place to vent and get exceptional advice from people who have been there. I've only posted a few times here and feel so uplifted when I read all the replies, advice and prayers. I am in love with an addict who voluntarily admitted himself into rehab 1 week ago today. I saw the signs (so i thought) but believed his stories because I didn't know about "active addiction". There's a sticky at the top of the posts that's labled "what addicts do". It was written by a guy who was in active addiction and it made a lot of sense to me. Good luck to you in your journey of life and know that there are angels everywhere. (Especially here!!)
Love to you :praying

Puggrinz

Hello Everybody! Thank you for all your warm welcomes to the site. I really do feel very uplifted and just hopeful.
I went to my first Alanon meeting tonight. Trust me it took a lot of effort to get there as I was really nervous and did some emotional eating and waivering back and forth all day as to whether I really would go or not. But I decided what did I have to lose? I could sit around all day and wait for him to call, which I have already decided is no good for me or I could get up and be proactive. So I grabbed the dogs, put them in the car and went to town. Then I sat in the parking lot and watched with the rear view mirror to see who went in and thought about leaving. But in I went and I am so glad I did! I received a very warm welcome and was reassured that even though it is an Al-anon meeting it will work for me and my situation as it was for all addictions. We went over the traditions and twelve steps and read some other things and discussed anonymity and I just feel really really good! I think that I can really learn a lot and I especially really appreciated the reading of July 1st in the One Day At a Time Book. I highly recommend it for anyone and that's the only advice I will give because I am so new but it really did help me see how to be pro active instead of re active! Here's to the road to recovery! Bless you all! And those of you who are like me and just beginning this journey, Don't Give Up! How do you eat an elephant? one little bite at a time! We can do this, we can get better! We can have peace and a little bit of happiness, maybe a big bit of happiness!

Dee74

Welcome to ya Puggrinz
I'm so glad you enjoyed the meeting!

D

cmc

Hello Puggrinz. I'm a mom of a recovering addict. When I first came here to SR I had been attending Al-Anon for quite awhile. Coming here in addition to my meetings made all the difference in the world.
Like you, I found my first meeting to be a most welcome relief from living with the insanity of addiction. I'm glad you have found us here @ SR.

Jody Hepler

Give yourself a hug - I was terrified at my first Alanon meeting also. It takes a lot of courage to walk into Alanon - knowing no one and really not knowing what to expect.

The July 1 page in the ODAT is my very favorite page in the whole book. It is tattered and dog earred and covered with coffee stains (and maybe some tears). But even today, it reminds me what I can control - and what I can't.

I wanted the addicts in my life to get sober and clean more than they did - and it didn't work. One AS found recovery at a very young age and his bottom was "hating himself". The other AS lasted for 15 more years and almost died numerous times - why he finally "hit his bottom" on that particular day, because it wasn't as bad as many other overdoses and alcoholic poisonings - who knows?

But I am an example (and there are many more on SR) of someone that has had a good life - whether or not the addicts that I love ever found recovery.

Keep coming back and reading - and asking questions - and venting - and going to face-to-face Alanon meetings. You will come to love the hugs and the support there.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler